Becoming

By spheeris1

Pairing: perhaps a light A/U & A/A

Warnings/notes: Anthy POV, angstropection, wee bit of surrealism and prose

**

'What are you becoming?' He asked me as I lay in his lap.

And if I had really answered him, if I had said the words that forever live

Inside my heart…well, I could have killed him

With the millions of letters my lips could form.

Watch his body fall

To the floor and watch his black

Blood fill up the grooves of the

Marble tiles…and I thought multi-colored roses were beautiful.

But no, nothing is more gorgeous than seeing his face wrapped up in death.

Nothing is more perfect than his tan flesh freezing…

…frozen…

Handsome for the rest of time.

He would like it better this way I think.

I think he would like to die.

And I think I would like to be alive….alive and free and able to love and able to cry…

'Nothing, dear brother…nothing at all.' I answer.

*

I rise with the dawn.

I slip outside and let the sun wash over me. For a moment, I am feeling something other

Than pain or anger…I am feeling a tiny bit of warmth.

Heat is taken for granted by most people.

It has the ability to give life or to take it. It can make you feel comfortable or uncomfortable.

I love heat.

Like fire spreading up my arms and coating my face, I absorb it into me…I am the fire.

I am becoming…

I am transforming.

I am alive….I feel so alive.

But the shades drop by my own hand. The dawn shuttered away by my own actions.

Her hand grasps my shoulder but I am feeling his fingers instead,

Feeling his cold and sure fingers in my disheveled hair, feeling them all over my body.

Pulling away from her as if she is the plague, pulling away from her inferno…

Now she is the fire and I am only too easily burned.

*

I hate the night.

'What is wrong with you?' He asks me…but I cannot answer. I cannot tell him this.

I hate that his voice follows me like a shadow.

Under his stars and under his planets, I am running. Trying to escape his hold over me…

And where is my fire tonight?

Is she dissolving like so many others before her? Embers simmering slow and turning to

Ashes, nothing more than black coals--soot on her pale ivory cheeks.

'We will always be together, you will always be my princess…' He tells me…but I cannot believe him.

I hate the hours between afternoon and morning.

People lose sense of their own convictions. Darkness plays the alibi for their devious actions…

Not for me though. I play my games at all hours.

And I am running, eager to find light again…desperate for my moment of release…

'Don't dream of anything…except for your Prince.' He orders me…but he is so wrong, as always…

Seconds before murky daylight fills the room, I creep up and slide my eyes over her body.

Peaceful. Unaware. Silent.

And I picture her asking me his question--those pink lips caressing the words and trying so hard

To sound earnest…I laugh an inaudible laugh.

'What are you becoming?' She would ask.

And for her, I think I could muster up the right words. For her, I think I could answer

Correctly and not kill her afterwards.

For her, I find that I would do the unthinkable.

For her, I would leave him.

'I am becoming me, Utena.'

**

END