These are the solutions to some commonly encountered problems with EOWYN units.

Q: My EOWYN unit is demanding a horse. She is threatening to start (or stop) using her riding crop if I do not comply with her demands.

A: We recommend complying with her request at the earliest possible opportunity. Proceeds from racing income will soon cover the initial outlay and ongoing running costs. Failure to procure a horse within a reasonable timeframe is likely to result in your EOWYN unit taking steps to acquire a suitable subsitute, such as a motorbike, with unpredictable consequences.

Q: Why do Riddermark Enterprises not supply a horse as standard with EOWYN units ?

A: Attempting to export horses from Rohan results in a vengeful visit from an EOMER unit and accompanying cavalry troop, who will ride down and behead both our shipping department and you the customer before tossing all of your bodies onto a burning pile of Uruk-Hai. This has caused an excessive workload on our customer service department and, regretfully, has had to be discontinued.

Q: My EOWYN unit is refusing to pay any attention to me, and refuses to even consider my proposed exercise programme.

A: Try to become more dark and brooding, aiming in particular to seem foul yet feel fair. If this does not work then try not shaving for several days and stop washing your hair. If all else fails try performing some act of self sacrificing bravery within her view, ideally almost (but not quite) dying in the process.

You may wish to invest in a GANDALF unit before attempting the latter option.

Q: My EOWYN unit and I are getting on fine, but one of my male friends has taken to hanging around constantly, trying to persuade me to invest in 'dot com' shares, sell me double glazing or convince me to buy 'Magic – The Gathering' cards.

A: Sadly your friend has been corrupted by evil Wizards™. On no account take any of his advice, leave him alone with your EOWYN unit or turn your back on him. He may be cured (or at least removed) by a GANDALF unit (WHITE model only). Alternatively set your EOWYN to DERNHELM mode and turn her loose on him.

Q: Someone has shattered my EOWYN unit's sword, shivered her shield into a thousand pieces, broken her arm and left her pale and near death. What should I do ?

A: Did you accidentally leave a hideous creature of unspeakably powerful evil lying around the house, or go to an air show featuring an RAF display team ? If so then you simply need to acquire some Kingsfoil (we recommend mail order rather than personal delivery) to treat the wound and then perform a near suicidal act of self sacrifice in front of her to speed her on the road to recovery.

Q: My EOWYN unit is moping and depressed, and has even taken to wearing that ridiculous white dress again.

A: Your EOWYN unit may have been accidentally exposed to an ARAGORN unit, triggering this reaction. Only performing a near suicidal act of self sacrifice in front of her is likely to bring her out of it (or possibly buying her a really large motorbike).

Q: I have accidentally exposed my EOWYN unit to a FARAMIR unit, and now she pays no attention to anything else. Is there anything that I can do ?

A: Probably not. All that we can suggest is inviting some of your female friends around to meet the FARAMIR unit. Anecdotal evidence suggests that one of them will make off with the FARAMIR unit within a period of time so miniscule that there is no S.I. unit sufficiently small to measure it, leaving you to try and console your EOWYN unit as best you may.

Q: My EOWYN unit seems to be stuck permanently in DERNHELM mode, but doesn't respond to either EOWYN or DERNHELM commands. Even exposing her to an ARAGORN or FARAMIR unit has no effect.

A: Please double check the shipping documentation – you have probably been accidentally issued with a BOB (aka KATE) unit from a completely different genre.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER UNITS :

Your EOWYN unit is a complex and delicate piece of Rohirrim technology and care must be taken in exposing her to certain other units to avoid undesired results :

EOMER and THEODEN units : These units will inevitably attempt to repackage your EOWYN unit in her original packing material and box her up 'for her own good'. Excessive exposure to either or both units could result in distress, which is to be avoided***

ARAGORN units : Exposure to an ARAGORN unit will bring on a state of depression and voluntary repackaging as noted in the 'troubleshooting' section above. Acts of near suicidal self sacrificing bravery and / or creatures of unspeakably powerful evil may be needed to restore your Lady of Rohan to her natural state.

FARAMIR units : Exposure to FARAMIR units must be avoided at all costs, as there is no remedy.

Married male owners may find that their partners, in a fit of misunderstanding, acquire a FARAMIR unit with the express intention of exposing your EOWYN unit to it. It is however remarkably unlikely that they will be able to tear themselves away from their FARAMIR unit for long enough to make good on this threat.

BOROMIR units : In theory these are perfectly safe to interact with your EOWYN unit, however your EOWYN unit may decide that a family resemblance to a FARAMIR unit is close enough for her tastes and we therefore recommend that you avoid any chance of this unfortunate outcome.

ARWEN units : Results may be unpredictable if your EOWYN unit has been previously exposed to an ARAGORN unit and not treated. Our experiments have indicated a high likelihood of one or both units being destroyed in a violent confrontation, and a lower probability that they will start discussing  his unreliability, poor hair care, broken sword and inability to use a simple Palantir to keep in touch, bond and decide to hunt down and destroy the offending heir of Isildur.