JUDGING FANFIC

Who better to critique an HP fanfic

author than his own characters?

Original story material is the property of the fanfic author; other material of Rowling et al. falls under the usual disclaimer. So there.

The First Annual Fanfic Wizengamot and Beta-Reading was called to order.

"First off," said moderator Dumbledore, "a word of caution to those newbies present -- please control your language. If you try to use very graphic or abusive words in this hearing room, they will be ineffective, since the Lingus charm will replace them with more temperate words -- such as tangle, misdeed, deflower, diety-condemned and so forth -- or totally meaningless terms. As well, an electrical shock will be delivered to your chair. Is that clear?"

From the back row, a mutter was heard: "Thot'll tickle 'em awlright, bet yer posterior... OWWW!"

"Thank you for testing the system, Argus. I assume you are satisfied it works? Now to proceed. The first docket item is in the matter of Nimbus 1944, for alleged Misuse of a Muggle Artifact, namely the fanfic. How does the accused plead?"

"Innocent, Professor," said Nimbus, the handsome, debonair fanfic author, exchanging suggestive glances with an adorable young witch on the panel, and imagining himself and her behind the hedges, with a jug of wine and a can of Cool-Whip, engaged in a warp-7... OWWW!

"Excuse me, Mr. 1944?"

"Sorry, Professor," said Nimbus, an aging, average-looking fanfic scribbler. "I plead innocent."

"Thank you. And let's have no more dodgy side remarks to your readers during the hearing, eh?"

"Yes, sir."

"Very well. Mr. Malfoy, would you start the questioning?"

The young Slytherin sneered (what else) at the author. "The charge should be terminal lameness. You've published a bunch of fanfics with no Death Eaters, no Dementors, no wars, no Dark Lord, no graveyards, no murders, no nightmares. You call yourself an HP fanfic writer?"

Nimbus shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "Um... well, I thought there were plenty of good plots about that already in the 96,000 other Potter fanfics. I was trying to be different."

"DIFFERENT?" replied Malfoy. "You sniveling excuse for a writer! And how come no romance yet in your stories? I get the top hotties in all the other fanfics!"

There was some snickering and nudging at that remark, and Malfoy retreated a tad. "Well... okay, so sometimes I just get paired with Harry." More nudging. "Okay, okay, so most of the time I get Harry, and once in a while I get a babe. What can I tell you, everybody's shipping, but nobody even asks me what I might want. Oh, let's never write a Draco/Sprout, oh no... nobody ever puts me in the greenhouse at midnight with a well-rounded mature woman who knows her biology and...."

"Ahem. Please focus, Mr. Malfoy," suggested Dumbledore.

"Sorry, sir. Where was I? Oh, yeah. You sniveling excuse! The honourable name of Malfoy comes up only only once in your stories, and it's just Weasley wishing he could go back in time and shove my ancestors in front of a horse cart! Is that the best you can do?"

"Well," said Nimbus defensively, "this is just a pastime for me, a little writing exercise. I was going to let the more avid fans do the sword-and-sorcery and bully plots, and the Mary Sues, and I'd just do some clean, light-weight HP stories with humor and emotion, maybe a little touch of mystery..."

"Wimpy!" opined Draco.

"If you insist, I suppose I could feature you in a fanfic where I'm accused of lousy fanfics, and you're an inquisitor on the Fanfic Wizengamot -- and I could make it a bit sleazier just this once."

"Sounds pretty weak and uninspired, Ninnybus, but I suppose it'll do. And work on that romance scripting, huh? Even if it's just me and Hermione behind the hedges with a jug of wine and a can of Cool-Whip, and... well, anyway, work on it. And let's get a little Cruciatus action going around the campus, too, huh?"

"I'll see."

"If that's all the questions for this gentleman, Mr. Malfoy," said Dumbledore, "then perhaps Miss Granger is next?"

"Cool!" said Draco. "Hey, you and me, when and where, she-puppy?...OWWW!"

"No no no, Mr. Malfoy, I was merely turning the questioning over to her."

"Oh."

"Dear me," mumbled Dumbledore,"this is going much worse than I expected. Miss Granger?"

Hermione looked up from her copy of Wordless Witches: Mimes in the Magical World and smirked. "Typical of you, Malfoy, always thinking with your wand....OWWW!"

"Careful, Miss Granger," said Dumbledore.

"Sorry, Professor," she said, putting down her copy of The Yoga Side of Miranda Goshawk. "I would like to ask the author if he might employ women and house-elves in more meaningful roles. Why, in The Owl's Tale, my big action scene is handing a safety pin to Harry! That seems rather male-oriented and stereotypical, don't you think?"

"True," answered Nimbus. "But in Owl's Tale, the lead actress happened to be Hedwig. That was a big-scale fanfic on a tight budget, and Hedwig works without the expense of costumes -- I didn't think you would. Sorry. I'll put you in a lead role more often, I promise."

"And how about the house-elves?" she asked, while flipping through a copy of Tunneling for Boarding School Students. "You've portrayed them as cleaning the Great Hall, or cowering in fear. Can't you do better than that?"

"Not really. It's in their union contract. They don't have to do any heavy plot-carrying in HP fanfics -- just perform subservient roles."

"There is one other VERY annoying thing," she said, earmarking a page in Heating and Air Conditioning of Medieval Castles. "Do you suppose you could stop changing the name of the book I'm reading with every quote?"

"Ummm....no. That's become a fanfic parody standard, and it's out of my hands."

"Humph," she concluded, and buried herself in her copy of the Wand Flashes And Their Effect On The Ozone Hole.

"Thank you, Miss Granger," said Dumbledore transitionally. "Mr. Weasley?"

"Mr. 1944," began Ron, " how come it always sounds like I'm a dim bulb, impulsive and immature, and have to think about things three times longer than Harry or Hermione?"

"That's the Generic Ron," Nimbus replied. "As for me, I give you a lot of cool lines, I let you tell a lot of 'short' jokes about Harry, I always have you beat him at wizard chess -- and I got you snogged by two girls at once in Feints, didn't I? You didn't get that in the books! Accept your goofiness, Ron; we do."

"Uh...yeah. And tell me, am I gonna get killed off in your stories?"

"No way, mate. You're the Plucky and Sympathetic Comic Relief! Remember in The Owl's Tale how I had the Sorting Hat point out all those anagrams? Well, here's one I didn't use: an anagram of 'Ollivanders' is Ronald lives. It's an author's clue! As long as 'Ollivanders' keeps appearing in her books, she isn't going to kill you off, and neither am I. You heard it here first."

"Wicked! In that case, no more questions."

"Very well," said Dumbledore. "Perhaps just one more round -- we must hurry it, as this is only one chapter long. Mr. Potter, your questions?"

"Yeah, Harry, keep it short," chuckled Ron.

"Oh, thanks, Ron," said Harry. "Sir, I was wondering -- why did you write all those songs to music by John Williams, of all people? Isn't that against fanfic rules? Why not set them to Eminem, or Britney, like everyone else does?"

"I see your point," answered the author. "But, I thought they pepped up the stories, and lyrics might help others to enjoy tunes like Hedwig's Theme instead of hating them. Then, you could sing Prestidigitation in the shower, or do a passionate rendition of Alohomora in a snoggy moment, or put the kids to bed with If There Were No Magicians, or..."

"But after all that effort, hardly anyone will ever read your silly stories, let alone sing your dopey songs," interrupted Harry.

"Uh....yes. I noticed. But with fanfics, it's the pride of knowing you've.."

"And tell me, has anything bad happened in your life since you wrote those songs?"

"Bad? Well, my owl left me and took a job at Fedex, but I don't see what that has to do with..."

"I don't say there's a connection, sir, but if you ask me, it'd be desperately self-defeating to do any more Williams. Why fight the system? Slip a little Christina Aguilera into the mix, why not, or perhaps some Rage Against the Machine. We can supply you with a proper play list."

"Suggestion noted, but..."

"And how come you haven't shown me battling my adversary, the evil Voldemort?"

"I'm not sure he is your adversary," argued Nimbus.

"I'm sorry?"

"I know, everyone says you got that scar from Voldemort. But after looking at it in the movies, I'd say it was quite possibly the Mark of Zorro."

"ZORRO?! That's ridiculous. I'm a famous teenager, living in England; how could my life and career ever be affected by some git from Mexico? That is such cow pies... OWWW!"

"Oh, and you were doing so well, Mr. Potter!" interjected Dumbledore. "At any rate -- in conclusion, we find that no serious offence has been committed here, and the accused is released to continue writing fanfics and songs, no matter how pitiful, and accepting his usual one or two R&Rs before his stories sink, as all must, behind the veil of fanfic obscurity, where nothing can save them -- not even shamelessly flogging them in concocted follow-up stories like this one. Next case?"