Does my bum look big in this?

DISCLAIMER I own nothing interesting apart from my overly clean dog, although I doubt that's interesting.

Added Author Note: From the 19th October 2004, I shall begin to edit this fanfiction – 'Does my bum look big in this?' As with my other edited pieces of fanfiction, I shall not be re-writing this fanfic, but merely adding in some words that have been missed out, deleting some paragraphs that I do not want, or maybe adding some paragraphs that I do want. Grammar will also be improved (hopefully), and maybe even the choice of words. However, I am not promising anything, for every promise I make, I break.

Chapter one: Buttercup.

Hello reader. Before I begin this 'wonderful' story, I would just like to say, this first chapter is something between 'Narrator' and . . . me. I came up with this idea when I was in the car with my mum, and I was thinking about all those fanfics out there where Draco and Hermione suddenly become beauties of the world. I don't have anything against those – mind. In fact, some of my favourites are those which they do look different, but I just think of how . . . vain that actually is. All of us have some beauty in us, whether it be only a teensy bit, or a hell of a lot, we are all beautiful in our own natural way.

Anyway, I was thinking in the car, and I thought, "how could I write a story that was obvious that Hermione and Draco (well, Hermione) were not beauties, but were . . . just, well . . . ordinary? What plot could I possibly write that would make people see that it's what's inside that counts?" And then it hit me - as though the car had crashed or something.

So, that's my ranting done for today, and I hope you do enjoy this story. And for those who have actually WRITTEN a Draco/Hermione, and have them changed into wondrous beauties, I wish you good luck in all your writings, and Hermione will always be a bushy, buck-toothed muggle-born witch to me! Okay, maybe not buck-toothed, but I'm afraid to say that the movies have rotted my brain into thinking that Draco Malfoy is Tom Felton, so I simply CANNOT say that Draco is ugly. But, he is definitely NOT the most beautiful being on earth, and does not have any bulging muscles that make him look like a WWF person - understood?

(For future references, I apologise for OOC characters – they are only OOC to exaggerate my point that beauty is only skin-deep).

Vanity - one of the many sins of the world. Everyone is vain in someway, in both worlds, muggle and magical. For example, our young Mr Malfoy. This is his tale of how he learnt that looks aren't everything . . .

Draco gave a yawn and stretched in his extra large four-poster bed. It had feather stuffing and was extremely comfortable and warm. The duvet was white, but the curtains of the four-poster were green, each post with a wooden snake twirling around it, its tongue slithering out violently. The sun shone through his only window, and gave an eerie morning light to it. Half his summer was gone already, and he knew that before long, it would be time to go back to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry once again.

Today, he was going to visit his Uncle and Aunt - Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange. His father and mother apparently had some 'business' to attend to. Draco didn't know why they bothered to lie to him, he knew that they were going to visit the great Lord Voldemort, and when he graduated from school, he should follow them too. He didn't mind being a deatheater - frankly, he didn't care. He didn't care whether Lord Voldemort died or not, whether Potter died or not, whether Lucius or Narcissa Malfoy died - he didn't feel the need to care for anybody. He had never liked any of the Slytherin people anyway, for they always seemed to be scared of him, and Pansy was getting increasingly annoying, not to mention increasingly ugly as well.

He sighed and clambered out of bed. It said that it was 8:30 in the morning on his grandfather clock, pretty late for Draco - he normally got up at the crack of dawn. He yawned and saw two big blue eyes gazing at him from the corner.

"Master Malfoy, Sir, your clothes are ready. Sissy has packed your suitcase for you, and your breakfast is already downstairs, waiting for you, Sir."

"You may leave now, Sissy."

Draco couldn't be bothered to kick her out today. He wasn't in the mood to, he wasn't in the mood to do anything right now but sit and think. He dreaded going to his Aunt and Uncle's house. They were awfully strict, and if you ever did anything wrong you would get a punishment that was a hundred times worse. He knew this from when he was little.

He had made fun of one of the talking trees in the garden, and the punishment he got was to be turned into a tree himself for a fortnight. By the time his mother and father returned to collect him, he was extremely cold and stiff from the horrible experience. He didn't want anything like that to happen again this time.

He dressed himself in some new clothes that he had gotten for his seventeenth birthday (from Pansy), and climbed down one of the many stairs that led onto the ground floor. There were hardly any windows in the entire house - in fact, Draco's room was one of the few that had a window. The long corridor contained just two windows and sunlight streamed in through the tiny gaps. Draco personally liked the warmth of the sun, but he would never let Lucius know that - no. He'd get punished for that.

He stopped on the landing and decided it would be better to wash before he ate. He went into the nearest bathroom and washed before putting a big wad of 'Advanced Wizarding hair gel' onto his palms and expertly sweeping his hair back in one go. He checked his hair for any loose strands, and checked his clothes for any specks of dirt that he may have missed.

'Looking good Draco my boy,' He thought and grinned at himself in the magic mirror. The mirror giggled back at him.

"I have to admit, you're the most handsome owner I've had in years, young master."

Draco smirked and nodded appreciatively at the mirror, which seemed to glow slightly red round the edges. He thought of all those unlucky people who weren't blessed with his good looks.

'Like Granger,' He thought. Her looks hadn't improved one bit (the last time he saw her anyway) - she was still flat chested, although a small hump was visible now, she was pretty short, and her hair was still bushy and uncontrollable. To him, she was pretty much the ugliest person he knew - but then again, he didn't know many ugly girls. 'She's even uglier than the little Weasley, and she's got all them freckles,' He thought.

He stepped out of the bathroom and walked swiftly into the giant dining room - Aunt Bellatrix and Uncle Rodolphus would be expecting him soon, and he didn't want to be late.

Draco flew out of the fireplace and came face to face with an old house-elf. He coughed and looked around curiously, frowning as he did so. The room he had floo-ed into was small, dark and gloomy - not to mention uncontrollably dusty. He suspected some poor soul had pee-ed in there as well - it smelt absolutely foul, and he felt the urgent need to vomit.

"Let Diddy take your things for you, Master Malfoy, Sir."

The small house elf (appropriately named Diddy) hurriedly picked up his things and scuttled away. Draco was surprised at the strength of this tiny house elf, and thought that he must know the name of his trainer.

"Follow Diddy, Master Malfoy." Draco didn't see why he had to, but he did anyway. He was led to an enormous room, which he assumed was going to be his bedroom for the next few weeks.

There was a desk (filled with parchment and some candles, not to mention an assortment of different coloured quills) and an enormous bookcase that looked as though it needed a good dusting. To his left was another door that led to a purple bathroom filled with little candles that smelt of lavender. A giant mirror was to his left - another magic mirror - and in the bathroom; he could see a rather large pot of gel in a fancy purple pot that read:

'Draco's; leave well alone.'

He smirked at the generosity of his Aunt and Uncle. Speaking of his which - where were they?

"Diddy!" He called, his eyes still fixed on the pot of gel now in front of him, "Where is my Aunt Bellatrix?"

"Master, Sir, they left the house early this morning, and told Diddy to look after you until they got back, Sir."

Draco frowned and looked indignant. The house-elf appeared to be scared to death as Draco was tall and he was only approximately a fifth of his total height.

"I don't need looking after! I am SEVENTEEN. A wizard of age - might I remind you! Do punish yourself – some heavy books are over there. I'm taking a walk and don't you even DARE follow me, you dirty piece of scum."

Draco left the room in a huff - hearing whimpers as Diddy hit himself with a large, hard-backed book that was nearly as large as him. He hated how everyone still treated him as though he was some 12-year-old fool. He was of age now, he could do what he wanted, and he didn't have to listen to some old house-elf for goodness sake, even if it was on his Aunt and Uncle's command. Why did he have to listen to them anyway?

He ran down the stairs and out of the front door, slamming the door behind him.

Draco combed his hair again as the wind blew against it. He had walked to some fields he knew were near his Aunt and Uncle's quiet home in the country. It was peaceful and lonely; it was everything that his life wasn't. He liked it there - a big river ran through the entire field, reflecting all the wonderful plants surrounding it. He wasn't sure if anything actually lived in it, but it looked rather beautiful as he stared, the sunlight shining on it and reflecting its beauty onto everything around it.

The flowers swayed in the wind, as did the grass. Draco sat on the soft grass by the river and looked at a nearby buttercup. It was closed and seemed to be shaking. Draco wondered what was happening. He watched it closely as it shook more and more . . .

"HOWDY!!!"

A tiny fairy burst out of the buttercup and giggled at Draco's horrified expression. Her wings were multi-coloured but slightly tattered, her miniature human figure was rather skinny and her hair was clipped up with a tiny clip. The dress she wore was green and had flowery patterns on it. She wore little boots on her feet, and had a tiny pair of glasses perched on her little nose.

"What you so surprised about, Mister?"

Draco gulped and gathered his 'cool' once again. He straightened himself up, and took a deep breath - he couldn't believe he was TALKING to a fairy, a being much less important than himself.

"Well, for one thing, you're a fairy - fairies can't talk. They make high pitched noises that only other fairies can understand."

The fairy giggled, and looked back up at Draco with her large emerald eyes. "I'm a fairy alright, it's just that I'm a reeeally strange fairy! I'm the exact opposite of most fairies! That's why they all stay away from me."

Draco raised an eyebrow. "What exactly do you mean by the opposite of most fairies?"

"Most fairies are excessively vain, while I am not! I wake up like this, and go to sleep like this! I do wash often though, because I'd smell if I didn't, and no one likes a smelly fairy! That's just foul. Also, our breed can't talk, but I was born with the ability - strange, I know! And we're supposed to have weak magic, but I have as strong a magic as any standard witch or wizard of this age!"

Draco stepped back from the little fairy and took a proper look at her. He felt slightly freaked out by all this - the fairy was very pretty, but she didn't seem to care a bit: he found that the most strange thing of all. The fairy laughed and waved her wand heartily, producing red sparks all around the buttercup she was standing by.

"Don't look so freaked out! Hey, I won't bite your head off! You're too big to eat! Anyway, what's your name? My name's Buttercup!"

"Draco."

"Age?"

"Seventeen."

"Right. Well, you don't talk much for a human do you? Most of them are REALLY talkative, can't shut up most of the time!"

Draco didn't reply as the fairy laughed more and more. She flew around in circles, leaving a trace of red sparks still flying from her wand before landing on Draco's shoulder - much to his annoyance. He didn't want a little fairy shouting into his ear, thank you very much. He tried to swat her off. She flew off just as his hand was about to hit her. She pouted and frowned.

"You don't seem very nice either! If you don't want to talk to me then just say so! No need to swat for god's sake . . . I could have gotten hurt! You're not a normal human at all."

Buttercup sighed and flew back onto her buttercup. She frowned as she watched Draco comb his hair back once more and check himself in the water's reflection. He was still looking when something sprung out of the water, making him jump back in surprise. Buttercup couldn't help but laugh uncontrollably at him, as did the 'thing' that had appeared from beneath the water's surface.

"What on earth, is THAT?" Draco pointed rudely at the 'thing'.

"That, Draco my boy, is a mermaid, ever seen one? If you're in seventh year at Wizarding School, then you should have by now!"

"Yes, of course I have! Not one as ugly as her though. I can hardly see that she's a mermaid, and most of the one's I've seen are really ugly."

Draco continued to stare disgustedly at the now near-to-tears mermaid. This mermaid was very thin and flat chested, her face seemed to be punched in, and her tail was just . . . rather unpleasant to look at. All in all, she looked awful, and Draco didn't want to be seen dead near this particular mermaid . . . ever. The mermaid squealed and dived back into the water, causing the water to splash everywhere - even onto Draco's robes. Draco made a face and tried to dry himself off. Buttercup scowled at him and twirled her still sparkling wand.

"YOU, MR DRACO, ARE A DISGRACE TO THE WIZARDING WORLD! YOU ARE A STUPID, DISGRACEFUL POMPOUS FACE!!! HOW CAN YOU BE SO VAIN AND HEARTLESS? IS LOOKS ALL THAT YOU CARE ABOUT?"

"Yes, and it's actually quite easy to be vain and heartless - give it a go sometime, I'm sure you'll love it."

Buttercup seethed with anger at this, and she felt as though she was going to burst if she didn't do something, namely, teach him a lesson. She took a deep breath and tightened the grip on her wand.

"Okay, if you want it that way, you'll get it that way."

Draco frowned. "What do you mean by that, exactly?"

"I'm going to teach you a valuable lesson, Draco dear."

"A lesson? What kind of lesson?"

"I'm going to use a curse that a lovely witch taught me a while ago - a curse that will only wear off once you've learnt your lesson, in this case, I don't think that'll EVER happen, but I suppose it's worth a try . . ."

"What curse is this? And what's the lesson I'm supposed to be learning anyway?"

"You have to figure that out by yourself, my dear boy. Now, where was I? Oh yes -

"Wait, I haven't done anything wrong! I don't want to be turned into a tree again!"

"Shut up, and did I say I'd turn you into a tree? No! Now -

"NO! Go away! I just came here for some peace and quiet! Nothing more!"

"I said -

"And I said -

"Oh, Merlin's beard, CURVAINSILLIANO!"

And with a jumble of red light, sparks and dust, Draco was gone from the lakeside.

Note: Any humour spotted in this fanfiction is not intended, otherwise this fanfiction would be put into the 'humour' category, as well as 'romance'.

In the future, the thanks shall be kept for my own entertainment.