EPILOGUE

Sandy comes into the kitchen and drops his briefcase on the floor as he kisses his wife on the cheek. "How was your day, honey?"

"It was generally okay."

"Where're the boys?" Sandy asks, sensing something on her face.

"Seth's upstairs doing homework and Ryan's working an extra shift at the restaurant," Kirsten replies. She lays a letter on the counter.

"What's this?"

"It's a letter from his brother," Kirsten says.

Sandy sighs. "You don't think we should give it to him?"

"What do you think? I mean…he seems better…" Kirsten starts.

"He's been working a lot of extra shifts down at the Crab Shack. I haven't seen him opening up anymore since he got back." Sandy sighs. "Did you have any idea that he was thinking of running away?"

"No, Sandy, but he barely talks to me at all," Kirsten sighs. "He's not my son, I don't know how to talk to him. I don't know what to say. 'Don't read your brother's letter because he's an asshole', I mean…what do we do?"

"I don't know. We can't withhold this from him. We have to trust that he won't take it to heart like he did the last letter…"

"What letter?" Seth asks, entering with a curious expression on his face.

"Nothing. It's for Ryan," Sandy responds.

Seth freezes with his back to his parents, searching the fridge. "Ryan got a letter? From his brother?"

"How do you know…Did Ryan say something to you?" Kirsten asks.

Seth shakes his head. "No. I heard you talking about it. I didn't bring it up and he hasn't mentioned it. But you guys think that the letter is what set him off, right?"

"We don't know, Seth. Did you know he was thinking of leaving?"

"No. I had no idea," Seth replies. "He's…hard to read. Sometimes, I can see what he's thinking but most of the time…you just have to wait for him to bless you with a complete sentence."

Sandy sighs. "Do you think he's working at the Crab Shack to avoid us?"

"Nah, his boss just had to fire 3 waiters and he's really short staffed," Seth replies. "He's…he's not thinking so much about leaving anymore." Seth is quiet.

"You've talked about it with him?" Kirsten asks, flushing as she realizes that Seth can talk to Ryan about these things easier than she can.

"Yeah," Seth replies. "I don't know what his family did to him to make him think that he's so worthless but…I think he's getting better."

"It's just going to take some time for him to adjust to life here, Seth," Kirsten says.

"I don't think you should give him that letter. It's just going to upset him more," Seth replies.

"Trey is his brother. We can't withhold this letter, Seth, it's not ours. It's Ryan's," Sandy says. Seth sighs, but nods.

"Icarus is not a tee shirt or a swan song, no
He is born again and it's not easy being me
But I can't promise I will mend or bend
When you believe that we are fixed now from our birth
And I've just fallen back to earth
Still you know I'll try again…"

à third eye blind

Ryan walks out of the Crab Shack, exhausted. He's glad for the extra money but he knows that he'll probably fall asleep in class tomorrow if he stays up tonight to do his homework.

"Thanks, kid! See you tomorrow!" His boss calls, as the restaurant goes dark.

"You need a ride?"

Ryan jumps when he hears Marissa's voice. "Hey. What are you doing here?" He turns to the street where she is talking to him from his open window.

"I…I was thinking about you and Seth said you were working."

Ryan smiles. "You were thinking about me?"

"Yeah. Hop in," Marissa says, popping the locks on her SUV. Ryan climbs inside, closing the door behind him.

"Thanks," Ryan says.

"No problem." She doesn't drive away. She leaves the truck in park and stares at the steering wheel.

"Marissa?" Ryan calls, frowning.

"I'm trying to think of the best way to put this…I don't want you to go…" Marissa says.

"I'm still here. I didn't go…"

"But you did, Ryan…you left again…your heart…it's not in this and I don't know…I don't know what I'd do if you left…I don't think I could handle it…" Marissa confesses. "So I started thinking…when you tried to leave before…you turned me away, you said…"

"Marissa, stop…"
"No, Ryan…you said that if I spent the night that you didn't think you could leave…"

Ryan reaches out and puts his hand against her cheek. "Marissa. I don't want anything from you. It's not your responsibility to make me happy…"

"I know you don't want us to date, Ryan, you say it's too soon but…I've been over Luke ever since you got here and…" She leans her face into his hand. "It just seems wrong that we can't help each other through this…"

"We can. As friends, Marissa…" Ryan starts.

"I've heard your explanations, Ryan. You don't think I should base my recovery on you…but I'm not." She turns to him and takes his hands in hers. "I'm not because you've shown me that you'll be my friend whether we're dating or not. I know that you would do anything within your power to help me…"

Ryan doesn't want her to cry. Seeing the tears in her eyes is too much for him to handle. He takes her face in his hands and kisses her deeply. When he finally finds the strength to pull away, both are breathless.

"I'm tired of waiting for you, Ryan…I want you…I don't want to miss my chance and you seem so…skittish lately…like you're afraid of me or something," Marissa says, quietly, recovering from their kiss.

"I'm not afraid of you, Marissa…I'm afraid of what's happening to me…" Ryan holds out his shaking hands, looking at them with wide blue eyes.

Marissa leans across the seat and kisses him gently on the cheek as she takes his hand. "Talk to me. Please, Ryan. Tell me what you're afraid of…"

"Do you really want to do this, Marissa? Do you really to have to take all this baggage that I have dragging me down into your life? Do you have any idea how fucked up I really am?"

Ryan's shaking voice startles Marissa.

"Because…I can be there for you, Marissa…but…I'm not ready to open myself up to anybody yet…there's a lot of shit that I haven't dealt with and I don't think that I'm ready for this…"

"Why not? I…I love you, Ryan…"

"No, don't say that," Ryan gasps.

"Why not? Why do we keep tiptoeing around our feelings. I love you, Ryan. I love you…" Marissa starts.

"I have to go…I can't do this…" Ryan fumbles with the door handle.

She grabs his arm. "Don't run away from this, Ryan…" She pleads, pulling him toward her.

All the color has left his skin and he is breathing shallowly.

"Please…" She kisses him and after struggling for a moment, he accepts her mouth. She pulls him against her, trying to stop his trembling.

Finally, he pulls away. "Marissa…you don't love me…listen to me…just forget about me…" He bolts from the SUV before she can stop him. She doesn't see which direction he leaves in. She feels a sense of foreboding in her stomach. She hopes she hasn't driven him away again. She just wants him to stay.

*****

Ryan doesn't get home until after midnight. He wandered around, lost in thought until he finally gathers himself enough to go home. He walks into the pool house and finds Seth waiting for him. Before Seth can start questioning him, Ryan sits down heavily on the couch.

"I have to be the biggest fuck up to ever walk these streets," Ryan mutters.

"What?" Seth asks, surprised.

"God, what's wrong with me?" Ryan continues. "I have the most beautiful girl in town all over me…begging me to go out with her…and I just walk away…"

"Chill, Ryan…come on…calm down…" Seth is shaken by Ryan's trembling hands. "Tell me what happened."

Ryan steadies himself. He takes a deep breath. "I didn't mean to get home so late…are your parents worried?"

"Mom's still up, she says she's not waiting for you, but she is. What happened with Marissa?"

Ryan shakes his head. "She wanted to drive me home. She wanted to talk to me. she says she doesn't want me to leave…she says she loves me and that we should be together…"

"And this is bad, why?" Seth asks after a beat.

"I can't do that to her. She deserves…" Ryan starts.

"You're not good enough for her? Is that it again?" Seth asks quietly.

"I just…if I…god, this is so hard…" Ryan sighs. He meets Seth's gaze steadily. "See, back home, I didn't have any friends. People couldn't just pop into my house to visit me because they might get damaged in the 'family discussions'. I could never take a girl home to meet my folks. I took care of myself and that's all that I could do. Now…now, I want to be with Marissa, Seth, more than anything but…I don't know how…I don't know how to be a boyfriend, I don't know how to…talk…"

"You can't tell me that you never had a girlfriend, Ryan…" Seth says, trying to lighten the mood.

Ryan relaxes a little. "I never had a girlfriend, Seth. I'm not a virgin by any means but I've never…I've never let myself get close to people."

"Ryan, you like Marissa don't you? I know you care about her, I've seen you stand by her these last few weeks when she's been recovering from her overdose. I've seen you take care of her, man, why are you freaking out?" Seth asks.

"I don't know…it feels right but…" Ryan shakes his head. "I'm just sprung right now…I don't know if I'm ready…"

"You've been stressed out for the past few days, Ryan, why don't you just relax…"

Ryan looks at Seth, curiously. "What's up?"

"What?"

"You were waiting for me out here. Why? What's going on?" Ryan asks.

"Um…you got a letter today," Seth says, quietly.

"From?" Ryan asks.

"Your brother."

Ryan doesn't react. "Really. Interesting."

Seth holds it out to him.

"Trash it," Ryan whispers.

"Really? You don't want to know…"

"Just trash it," Ryan repeats. "I live here now. I'm having enough personal issues right now without looking at that."

Seth's gaze drifts past him to the window. "You have some personal issues outside waiting for you, too," He says.

Marissa steps inside. "Hey."

"Hey," Ryan sighs.

"Oh, and Ryan? Wipe that lipstick off your face before you talk to Mom," Seth teases, leaving with the letter stuffed in his pocket.

"Can we talk?" Marissa asks quietly.

Ryan sighs. He stands up and meets her by the door. "No. I don't think we can."

He kisses her, taking her breath. "I don't think words work for us anymore," He breathes, pulling her against him. She returns his embrace, returning his kiss desperately.

Seth runs into his mother in the kitchen. "Ryan's home."

"Really? Why was he so late?" She asks, relieved.

"Marissa. She's making a play for him…I mean, she needed to talk," He answers, blushing at his slip.

Kirsten smiles. "Do I need to go interrupt?"

"Nah, I think he can handle it." Seth lays the letter on the counter in front of him mom. "He told me to trash it."

"Really?"

"Should we read it?" Seth asks.

"No, Seth. It's for Ryan. If he doesn't want it then it's not ours to read. Go on up to bed, you guys have school tomorrow," Kirsten says. As soon as he is gone with a kiss on the cheek, Kirsten picks up the letter. She opens it after a long pause.

"Ryan,

Sorry about the last letter, kid. Guess you could say I'm a little bitter that you're chillin

at the beach while I'm rotting away in here just like good old dad. I started thinking

about all the times you tried to talk me out of whatever scam I was planning. I

remember that you didn't even want to go out with me the night we got arrested and

the only reason you went was because AJ had beaten the hell out of you the night before

and you wanted to leave him and mom alone for the night. I'm sorry for screwing you up.

I'm glad that you have a chance to get out of this family. I wish I wasn't just like Mom, I

wish that I had the brains that you do and that I could have been a better brother to you. I

wish for a lot of things. I get a lot of time for wishes in here. Alls I know is that you're a

good kid and if you can make a life for yourself with this lawyer's family, then you deserve

it. Maybe you'll write me one day. Or not.

Trey