Title: The Shower Incident
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.
When Snape stepped into the shower that morning he felt grumpier than usual, if such a thing is humanly possible. Still half asleep, he blindly fumbled with the shower handles and hissed when ice cold water gushed onto his back. Snape hated mornings, just as he hated afternoons, evenings, and 3 a.m. for that matter. Don't ask. It's just one of Snape's quirks.
Anyhow, Snape was standing in his dark, dingy shower when a noise made his eyes pop open. It sounded like a mis-timed trumpet blast. Odd, thought Snape, shrugging and continuing to frown as he showered. For all he knew the house elves were practicing for an orchestra. He didn't much care either way for he was too tired.
With a heavy sigh, Snape reached out and grabbed the soap.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! I am pleased to announce that it is National Snape Takes a Shower Day!" boomed the voice of-was that Lee Jordan?
Furious beyond words, Snape yanked the shower curtain open partway, peered out, and -
"Jesus Christ!" yelped Snape, pulling the shower curtain shut. He stood there, blinked a time or two, and peered back out.
There was a large mob of people in his incredibly small bathroom. People holding colorful balloons. Wait. Was that Gilderoy Lockhart with a blue microphone that matched his robes, standing next to Lee Jordan?
"Ladies and Gentlemen! What an extraordinary moment this is! You are about to witness an event like no other: Severus Snape is actually taking a shower! Maybe, just maybe, he will wash his hair as well!"
Everyone oooooh'd and aaaaaaah'd.
Snape was too shocked to be angry. It was like a friggin carnival out there! Yes, even Lucius Malfoy was in attendance. He strolled by, regal cane in one gloved hand and a strawberry ice cream cone in the other. He nodded acknowledgement to Minerva McGonagall, who was accompanied by Headmaster Dumbledore. Dumbledore carried several large stuffed animals and many bunches of cotton candy.
"Hey, Longbottom! Check out this nude poster of Circe I won for hitting five balloons in a row!" Draco smirked as he held up an extral glossy poster of the seductive smiling siren who waved to all.
Neville uttered a gasp and dashed toward the balloon game. There was a friggin balloon game in the bathroom? This was insanity!
Just then, Harry Potter walked up leading a troop of second years. For some strange reason, Potter was wearing a safari hat.
"And to your right, boys and girls, is the majestic snarling Snape. This is a rare moment as the Snape is normally skulking about Hogwarts deducting points whilst his black robes billow most menacingly. Note the prominent hooked nose that is the trademark feature of the Snape."
"Potter! One hundred points from Gryffindor! Get out of my bathroom! All of you!"
The second years recoiled in terror.
"Calm yourselves. I can assure you that in his current surroundings, the Snape is quite harmless. Don't get too close, though. The Snape is very territorial. He might make a rude remark if you encroach upon his domain."
"Fascinating!" exclaimed Colin Creevey, running over from the duck races and snapping photos left and right. "Look how shockingly pale he is!"
"He's rather skinny, too," squeaked a brave second year Ravenclaw.
"Yeah, and his legs are really bony."
"Enough! Go away before I curse all of you into oblivion!"
"Careful, Colin!" exclaimed Harry. "Your camera may be provoking him! Naturally a unphotogenic creature, the Snape is rather shy of cameras and of people in general. This explains the dungeon dwelling behavior."
"What does he eat?"
"For that information, I'll turn you over to Miss Hermione Granger."
The children clapped as Hermione approached the shower.
"Miss Granger! How *dare* you-"
"A-ha! The Snape is cranky. He must be hungry. Fortunately, I brought these corn nuts, a favorite treat of the Snape. Here you are, Professor."
"I will not stand for this non-"
The scent of those extra salty corn nuts wafted across Snape's sensitive nostrils. Suddenly, he felt famished. He seized the corn nuts from Hermione and dumped a large amount into his small mouth.
"Corn nuts! Who would have thought," said tiny Professor Flitwick, showing his caricature to everyone.
"Come, Minerva, let us ride the ferris wheel!"
"Oh, Albus! I'd love to," giggled McGonagall, eating a funnel cake.
Merlin's shithouse! There was a ferris wheel, too? What's more, Snape swore he heard a calliope playing softly in the background.
"Look!" shouted Lucius Malfoy, pointing with his regal serpent-headed cane. "The clowns! The clowns approacheth!"
Snape shrieked and pulled the shower curtain tight.
"Ron, stop the clowns! They're upsetting Snape."
"I can't, Harry. There's too many. They-they're overtaking the carnival! Run!"
Screams of horror filled the tiny bathroom.
"Neville, you must help us stop the clowns!"
"Send in the Carrot Top impersonators!"
"Good lord, no! I'll take my chances with the clowns!"
Snape had had enough. He uttered an inhuman scream and jumped out of the shower, tearing down the shower curtain as he went. Landing flat on his face, Snape scrambled to his knees and looked around. There was nothing save his ordinary old bathroom just as it had always been. The sound of the shower was almost unnerving in the sudden silence.
There was no sign of a carnival or of clowns. No sign that a massive intrusion,which involved ferris wheels and funnel cakes, had occurred in that small, bleak bathroom. Nay, no sign at all...save for two small corn nuts stuck in the drain of the tub.
~FIN~
A/N: You know I love Snape, but he's so fun to pick on, dammit!
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.
When Snape stepped into the shower that morning he felt grumpier than usual, if such a thing is humanly possible. Still half asleep, he blindly fumbled with the shower handles and hissed when ice cold water gushed onto his back. Snape hated mornings, just as he hated afternoons, evenings, and 3 a.m. for that matter. Don't ask. It's just one of Snape's quirks.
Anyhow, Snape was standing in his dark, dingy shower when a noise made his eyes pop open. It sounded like a mis-timed trumpet blast. Odd, thought Snape, shrugging and continuing to frown as he showered. For all he knew the house elves were practicing for an orchestra. He didn't much care either way for he was too tired.
With a heavy sigh, Snape reached out and grabbed the soap.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! I am pleased to announce that it is National Snape Takes a Shower Day!" boomed the voice of-was that Lee Jordan?
Furious beyond words, Snape yanked the shower curtain open partway, peered out, and -
"Jesus Christ!" yelped Snape, pulling the shower curtain shut. He stood there, blinked a time or two, and peered back out.
There was a large mob of people in his incredibly small bathroom. People holding colorful balloons. Wait. Was that Gilderoy Lockhart with a blue microphone that matched his robes, standing next to Lee Jordan?
"Ladies and Gentlemen! What an extraordinary moment this is! You are about to witness an event like no other: Severus Snape is actually taking a shower! Maybe, just maybe, he will wash his hair as well!"
Everyone oooooh'd and aaaaaaah'd.
Snape was too shocked to be angry. It was like a friggin carnival out there! Yes, even Lucius Malfoy was in attendance. He strolled by, regal cane in one gloved hand and a strawberry ice cream cone in the other. He nodded acknowledgement to Minerva McGonagall, who was accompanied by Headmaster Dumbledore. Dumbledore carried several large stuffed animals and many bunches of cotton candy.
"Hey, Longbottom! Check out this nude poster of Circe I won for hitting five balloons in a row!" Draco smirked as he held up an extral glossy poster of the seductive smiling siren who waved to all.
Neville uttered a gasp and dashed toward the balloon game. There was a friggin balloon game in the bathroom? This was insanity!
Just then, Harry Potter walked up leading a troop of second years. For some strange reason, Potter was wearing a safari hat.
"And to your right, boys and girls, is the majestic snarling Snape. This is a rare moment as the Snape is normally skulking about Hogwarts deducting points whilst his black robes billow most menacingly. Note the prominent hooked nose that is the trademark feature of the Snape."
"Potter! One hundred points from Gryffindor! Get out of my bathroom! All of you!"
The second years recoiled in terror.
"Calm yourselves. I can assure you that in his current surroundings, the Snape is quite harmless. Don't get too close, though. The Snape is very territorial. He might make a rude remark if you encroach upon his domain."
"Fascinating!" exclaimed Colin Creevey, running over from the duck races and snapping photos left and right. "Look how shockingly pale he is!"
"He's rather skinny, too," squeaked a brave second year Ravenclaw.
"Yeah, and his legs are really bony."
"Enough! Go away before I curse all of you into oblivion!"
"Careful, Colin!" exclaimed Harry. "Your camera may be provoking him! Naturally a unphotogenic creature, the Snape is rather shy of cameras and of people in general. This explains the dungeon dwelling behavior."
"What does he eat?"
"For that information, I'll turn you over to Miss Hermione Granger."
The children clapped as Hermione approached the shower.
"Miss Granger! How *dare* you-"
"A-ha! The Snape is cranky. He must be hungry. Fortunately, I brought these corn nuts, a favorite treat of the Snape. Here you are, Professor."
"I will not stand for this non-"
The scent of those extra salty corn nuts wafted across Snape's sensitive nostrils. Suddenly, he felt famished. He seized the corn nuts from Hermione and dumped a large amount into his small mouth.
"Corn nuts! Who would have thought," said tiny Professor Flitwick, showing his caricature to everyone.
"Come, Minerva, let us ride the ferris wheel!"
"Oh, Albus! I'd love to," giggled McGonagall, eating a funnel cake.
Merlin's shithouse! There was a ferris wheel, too? What's more, Snape swore he heard a calliope playing softly in the background.
"Look!" shouted Lucius Malfoy, pointing with his regal serpent-headed cane. "The clowns! The clowns approacheth!"
Snape shrieked and pulled the shower curtain tight.
"Ron, stop the clowns! They're upsetting Snape."
"I can't, Harry. There's too many. They-they're overtaking the carnival! Run!"
Screams of horror filled the tiny bathroom.
"Neville, you must help us stop the clowns!"
"Send in the Carrot Top impersonators!"
"Good lord, no! I'll take my chances with the clowns!"
Snape had had enough. He uttered an inhuman scream and jumped out of the shower, tearing down the shower curtain as he went. Landing flat on his face, Snape scrambled to his knees and looked around. There was nothing save his ordinary old bathroom just as it had always been. The sound of the shower was almost unnerving in the sudden silence.
There was no sign of a carnival or of clowns. No sign that a massive intrusion,which involved ferris wheels and funnel cakes, had occurred in that small, bleak bathroom. Nay, no sign at all...save for two small corn nuts stuck in the drain of the tub.
~FIN~
A/N: You know I love Snape, but he's so fun to pick on, dammit!