Where I End and You Begin
By: DuJour
Disclaimer: I lay no claim to either of these beautiful characters – they belong to the Wachowski brothers, god bless 'em.
A/N: For Trinity.
We were in love. I'd said it. You'd said it. Love declared, prophecy fulfilled. There was no denying it anymore.
But what now?
I can't remember the exact moment that I knew. I'd suspected it from the first time I saw you. Watching you, watching me. As you pondered a grainy picture of me that you found on the internet. I always hated that picture, but it was the only picture of me that existed – the one from my FBI file. Someone had inadvertently snapped it seven years ago while I was on a mission. I was still pretty green then and had stupidly allowed myself to be photographed. You can only actually see half my face, and there's quite a glare from my sunglasses, but it is unmistakably me. I hated the caption below even more than the picture itself. Internationally wanted cyber-terrorist.
I watched as you gently slid a finger over your monitor, tracing the outline of my digitized face. I did the same here, softly touching a finger to your code displayed in the green rain on the screen in front of me.
Could you be? I remember thinking. You were certainly attractive. A bit pasty and thin, but even your waifishness couldn't mask how handsome you were. I noticed your eyes right away - big, beautiful, and brown. I saw a sadness in those eyes that seemed to come from knowing there was something else out there, something that you hadn't yet figured out how to reach. A sadness that I knew I had the answers to help you overcome.
I became even more convinced once we met. That night in the club. Even though it wasn't the real world, I felt a real connection to you then. A spark of invisible electricity between us as I leaned in closer to whisper in your ear. And your scent was enchanting. As I walked away from you, I realized I had goosebumps up and down my arms. I'd hoped you hadn't noticed. I'd hoped no one back here on the ship had noticed either. If so, no one ever mentioned it.
I dreamed of you that night. I dreamed that I followed you home from the club, back to your apartment. In my dream you were dressed all in black just as I was, instead of the normal white t-shirt and blue jeans that you often wore in the Matrix. We spent what seemed like hours peeling layers of clothing from each other, until finally it was just skin on skin. In my dream, I let you take control. I allowed you to throw me down on your bed and I allowed you to climb on top. You held my wrists tightly above my head and pried my legs apart with your knees. You lowered your lips to mine and pressed ferociously, allowing your tongue to mingle with mine in a seductive dance before your lips moved to my throat where they sucked and explored each delicate spot on my neck until I was sure I was deeply bruised. Once your soft lips had thoroughly explored every inch of my neck, you moved down and began to suckle my breasts. Left, then right, taking proper turns. The heat was swelling inside and I was soaked in my own juices. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, you entered me. You seemed so hard in my dream. So hard and so perfect. You were just the right fit. We joined together like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. My wetness, the ideal mate to your hardness. We moved together in perfect unison.
You called out my name and it sounded angelic. I tried to call out to you as well, but I couldn't find the words. Instead I moaned something incomprehensible and shut my eyes tight and allowed you to come inside of me. I was on the edge as well and knew that as soon as I opened my eyes and met yours, I'd fall over. I took a deep breath and tried to call out your name again. This time I succeeded. Neo. Your name slid deliciously off my tongue. Just as I was ready to give in to the wave of ecstasy and open my eyes to sink deep into yours, you morphed into an agent holding a gun to my head. Mercifully, I woke up at that moment, the sound of the gunshot resonating in the limbo between consciousness and the dream world.
That's the hazard of being a soldier in this war – you can't even get properly laid in your dreams.
When you were finally unplugged and we brought you aboard the ship, I tried to force myself to be objective. I was trying to prevent myself from creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. After all, I had been waiting for so long that it would have been easy to convince myself that you were the one that I was waiting for. The One that I was destined for.
I had to remember, too, that Morpheus had been wrong before. This wasn't the first time that he thought he had found the One. There had been what, five others? And where were they all now? Dead. But Morpheus seemed so sure this time. So confident. He took risks to get you out that he never took with anyone else. And, under his command, so did I. But maybe it had been too long for him as well. Maybe he had been searching for so long that he was starting to wear down. These were the things that I had to force myself to be cautious of.
I knew that I loved you before I knew that you were the One. Even before you knew. I never knew what love was before you. I know that's cliché but I can't express it any other way. I had never loved anyone before. Even in the Matrix. Love always seemed so complicated – and I just couldn't be bothered.
I guess I knew for sure when you went to rescue Morpheus. You were so convinced that you were going to save him yourself. Even as you were telling me that you weren't the One, I knew that you were. You thought I wouldn't let you go in alone because I didn't believe you could do it alone. The truth is, if I hadn't believed you could do it, I wouldn't have let you go in at all. There was no doubt in my mind that I could have stopped you that day if I'd wanted to. I insisted on going with you because I knew it was now my duty to help you. To protect you in the Matrix as I knew you were going to protect me here in the real world.
You see, the Oracle didn't simply tell me that I would fall in love with the One and that we'd live happily ever after. No, that would have been too easy. My duty, I was told, was to assist the One in his fight. To support and protect him in the Matrix and help him to end this war. To watch his back, so to speak. In return, he would do the same for me, here in the real world.
This is information that I haven't yet shared with you.
It's been a nearly a week since I told you how I felt. Since you finally realized that what the Oracle told you was true after all. You were the One. And now, as I look at you sleeping here beside me, I can't quite force myself to believe that you're real, let alone the savior that will end this war. You look so innocent. So naïve. And I have an even more difficult time believing that I will have a hand in it.
We've shared a cabin for five nights now, but we've not done anything but sleep fully clothed, holding on to each other for dear life. Between the time it took for you to recover from your confrontation with the agents and the exhausting hours spent repairing the Neb after the sentinel attack, there hasn't been time for much else. We haven't even had time to mourn the loss of our friends yet and I've felt that to do anything that would give me pleasure would be an insult to their memory. I don't even know how to properly mourn them. Have some sort of ceremony? Light a candle? None of that seems right. Not here, anyway.
It seemed there was just too much in the way for us to get closer; to explore our newfound love in any kind of physical manner. Anything beyond the knowing looks that we've been sharing over our morning gruel sitting across from each other in the mess hall. Or the glances we'd steal in the core as we worked busily on opposite sides of the room. Or how we'd linger a bit longer than we should when we accidentally brushed hands reaching for the same wrench. Or the nights that we've spent together in our bunk, huddled together for warmth and protection, afraid to let go, but terrified to do anything else.
But that all changed tonight.
After a particularly strenuous day of repairs to the Neb, I retired to our cabin, exhausted. You wanted to stay up and work through a few practice sims before bed. You kissed me goodnight on the forehead and I walked alone to our cabin. I must have fallen asleep as soon as I pulled off my boots and lay down on the cot. I never even heard you come in. When I woke up screaming a few hours later, you were there. The dreams were always the same and they were eerily similar to the dream I had the first night after we met. Only this time, when my eyes flew open just as the bullet was being fired into my skull, you were here - holding me tightly against your chest, trying to protect me from my demons.
I've never told you about my dreams. Not before tonight. You always acted as if you wanted me to share them with you, but were too polite to ask. Tonight, maybe you finally reached the point where you were comfortable enough with me to ask. Or maybe you were tired of my waking up the entire ship with my screaming in the middle of the night.
Whatever the reason, tonight you asked and tonight I decided to answer.
"What is it, Trin? What's upsetting you so much?" you ask as you hold me tightly against your chest and rock me back and forth in your strong arms.
"Nothing. It's okay, really," I answer as I close my eyes and try to catch my breath. I brace myself against your chest with my hands in an attempt to gently push you away. It's not that I don't want you to hold me, it's just instinct.
As if agreeing to some silent compromise, you stop the rocking and loosen your grip around me, but place your hands firmly on my shoulders and turn me to face you.
"The hell it's okay! Look at you – you're shaking, sweating, your heart's racing a mile a minute. You've got to tell me what's going on."
"They're just dreams, Neo. They're not real," I say choking back a tear. Damn it, I can't cry in front of you. I'm not crying so much from my dream as from the emotion that comes from having someone care so damn much. This is something that I'm just not used to. And I don't want you to see that I'm weak. I've got to be strong for you. It's my duty.
"Sometimes dreams can seem more real than the real world. Tell me, what are you dreaming about, Trin?"
You look at me with those beautiful, pleading eyes and I decide to tell you. I owe you that much. I tell you everything. From the dream I had the first night I met you until now. I don't elaborate on the details of our lovemaking in the dreams, but figure you can pretty much fill in the blanks as you see fit. When I'm done, I look away. I can't face you after I've bared my soul. You must think I'm a depraved lunatic by this point.
But you don't allow me to look away for long. You take my chin in your hand and pull my face towards yours. I open my eyes and for just a moment, I could swear that I see a tear well in your eyes too, but mine are still cloudy from my own tears so I can't be sure.
"What can I do?" you ask. Your voice sounds fragile, but desperate.
"Make love to me, Neo. Prove to me that it's not real. Show me that it's just a dream."
"Trinity, I promise you that it's not real. They're only nightmares." With that you release my chin and gently kiss me on the forehead. Then between my eyes. Then on the tip of my nose. Then…
"Prove it," I whisper in your mouth as you bring your lips to mine.
You answer with a soft moan which vibrates your intent against my lips while your cool hands wander beneath the hem of my shirt. They move up my back, fingers tracing a path up the hollow of my spine, weaving your way around the plugs, slightly lifting up my shirt in the process. I shiver - both from your electric touch and from the chill of bare skin exposed to cold night air.
My hands, in turn, find you and snake their way under your sweater, fingertips brushing the smooth, warm skin of your chest. You remove your hands from my back to allow me to pull your shirt up over your head and toss it to the floor beside the cot. I take a moment to admire you, bare-chested in front of me. You're still so thin, but so beautiful. I reach into you to reunite your lips with mine, but you pull back.
"Your turn," you say with a sly smile and I become suddenly aware of your intent.
I sit still as you prepare to pull off my shirt as I did with your sweater. I begin to get goosebumps, both in anticipation of the chill that I know I will soon be experiencing, but also because I realize that this is the first time you will see me topless. It's a frightening, but exhilarating feeling as you pull the ratty shirt up over my torso. It's been so long since a man has undressed me. I lift my arms in the air, to allow you to finish removing the garment. I hear you loudly sigh as my breasts come into view and I can't help but grin, which releases some of the tension, but none of the passion, of the moment.
You take a moment to look at me as I did you. I can almost feel you drinking me in. I become enchanted watching your eyes as your survey me. Watching you, watching me. You slowly bring your hand up and give me a pleading look as if asking permission. I smile my consent and you gently place your hands on my skin, but not where I expect you to. You press your right hand to the center of my abdomen, just below my rib cage and circle your left arm around the back of my neck, cradling my head in your strong hand. Your lips return to mine and I kiss you back feverishly. Your mouth is warm and your taste is exquisite. Your tongue finds mine and the two dance together, at first teasingly, then hungrily.
I'm reminded of how different this kiss is from the first one we shared. Not quite as desperate, but much more passionate. And emotional. Emotions I've never experienced before, reaching places I never imagined they could. Emotions that I know I must now surrender myself to completely. Without reservation. Without… fear.
I feel myself being gently tilted backwards until I'm lying down with my head toward the foot of our cot. You follow me down, your body shielding me from the chill. The feeling of your bare chest on mine is nearly indescribable. Two warm bodies melding into one sweltering entity. So much flesh touching so much flesh.
We continue to kiss and grope hungrily. I suck and bite at your bottom lip, tasting a bit of blood from an old cut, newly opened by my tongue. You cup my face in your hands, softly pressing your thumbs into my flushed cheeks. I knead my palms into the flesh of your shoulder blades, the back of your long, sinewy neck, then up to play in your hair. It's still quite short, and I feel you shiver when I brush the plug in the back of your head with my fingertips. You still haven't quite gotten used to your plugs yet. You've accepted mine, because you've never known me any other way.
Just as I begin to lose track of everything but the moment, and begin to forget about everything but the taste of your lips on mine, the smell of your skin, the heat of your chest firmly pressed against mine… Just as I'm forgetting where I end and you begin, you break away from my kiss. I open my eyes to see what's wrong, and I see you propped up on your arm, accentuating your lean triceps. You're staring down at me, studying me.
"What is it?" I ask you with both my voice and my eyes. You hold your stare intently and I realize how serious you are. I saw that look in your eyes once before. That day in the construct. Just before we went in to get Morpheus.
You answer in a hoarse whisper.
"I don't want you to be afraid, Trin. Ever. Because if you're afraid, I haven't done my job."
"Neo, you're doing just fine," I try to assure you. "I'll be okay… I told you, it's nothing…"
"No," you interrupt, silencing me by gently placing two fingers over my lips. "It's not "nothing". I don't want you to be scared anymore. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to make you comfortable tonight. Whatever you need, Trinity, just tell me."
I begin to answer before you completely remove your hand from my lips, murmuring my desire into your fingertips.
"Neo, I need you. That's all. Just you."
The tension you were holding between your eyes subsides and a sweet smile creeps onto your face.
"That… can be arranged."
With that, your eyes leave mine and you begin to slide your hands down my sides, as you inch closer to the foot of the cot. When they reach the waistband of my pants, you stop and look up at me one last time before placing gentle, wet, kisses on my stomach, which, in turn, begins to quiver with anticipation. I can't help but let out a small sigh as you begin to undo the first of the five buttons on my pants. Once you have them all undone, I lift my hips up off the mattress to allow you to slowly snake them off my legs, where they join the growing pile of clothing in the floor. You then place your hands on my hips and hook your thumbs into the elastic of my underpants. You look up at me like a mischievous five-year-old pleading to his mother for a new toy.
"Let's take these off, shall we?"
I return your impish grin and you proceed to pull the thin synthetic fabric over my hips and down my legs where I promptly kick them off, onto the floor. I'm now completely naked and exposed to you for the first time. I can feel the goosebumps multiplying, covering me from head to toe. I look into your eyes, trying to decipher the look on your face. Are you pleased? Excited? Disgusted? I don't need to wonder for long.
"God, you're beautiful," you say, breathlessly answering my silent question. "I swear sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am. I don't deserve you."
I blush at your compliment as you begin to crawl back up toward me, but stop you with a look of playful admonishment. You appear confused for a moment - before my unspoken reprimand sinks in - then quickly unbutton and kick off your own pants and underwear before finally returning to my embrace.
I'm shivering by this point and welcome the shelter from the chilly air that you create with the warmth of your body as it blankets mine. Your lips immediately find my neck and it is just what I need. Your suckling is gentle, not bruising like in my dream. Your tongue traces tiny circles down to the hollow dip of my clavicle, then skirting along my breastbone, finally pausing just before reaching the plug on the left side of my chest. Your mouth lingers over the plug for a moment, your warm breath enveloping the cold steel.
Your tongue dips down and slowly circles the tiny plug before finding its way toward my now engorged nipple. You suckle me hungrily as I grasp for the blanket between my clenched fingers and begin to squirm beneath you. Small pants of breath escape my lips and when I feel your teeth bite down ever so gently, I can't help but let out a small shriek.
"Shh," you whisper into my skin, your sweet breath sending even more shivers racing down my body. "These walls aren't soundproof, you know." I open my eyes and see you looking up at me grinning like a schoolboy.
"I know, Neo, it's just… I can't help it…I…" Words again escape me. I can't describe to you the urgent feeling that's growing inside me. The rush of heat, circling and swelling, finally settling between my legs. I realize just how much I need this release, and how much I need you to be the one to give it to me.
"Relax, Trin. Just relax. Let me make you forget all your troubles. Please."
I can only manage to nod.
Your mouth returns to my breast, this time concentrating on the one on the right. Your left hand clenches mine and our fingers intertwine. Your right hand reaches down to the now smoldering mound of flesh between my legs. You tease my soft hair with your fingertips before reaching down into the wetness. I involuntarily lift my hips to help you find just the right spot. You do and begin to gently stroke the hardened knob between the soft folds of flesh, making small circular motions with your fingertips.
My whole body begins to quiver and my breathing becomes short and shallow. It's been such a long time since I've felt like this. Felt anything close to this. I think you understand. I can't explain it, but somehow I sense that you understand how I'm feeling right now. Your touches increase in speed and intensity just as my body lets you know it's ready. With your fingers, hands, and tongue, you bring me to the edge and back down again in a torturous tease until I'm squirming beneath you, out of control, ready to explode. I bite my lip to keep from screaming out, instead making desperate, hollow sounds in the back of my throat.
"That's it, Trin," you whisper nearly as breathlessly as I am. "Just go with it."
I can think of nothing but that I just want you… now… inside…
"Neo… Please, god, please," I manage to mutter. And somehow you understand.
When you enter me, it's like everything I've ever waited for arriving all at once. And with every move, I know - this is what I've been waiting for. Each moan that escapes my lips answers every question I ever had; all the "whys" and "whats" and "whens" are answered in this one sacred moment. I feel a desperate need to do everything I can to remember this moment, to preserve it in time for ever. I take note of the feeling of your sweat-soaked skin pressing into mine. The unique scent created from the mingling of our juices. The sound of our soft moans and gasps and nothing else.
We are a perfect fit. At least this much of my dream was true. The feeling of you, hard and hot inside me is even better that I dreamed. You move inside me with just the right rhythm. Gentle rocking interrupted with intermittent thrusts. Just enough to keep me on the edge of sanity. As our rhythms reach crescendo, you open your eyes to look into mine, just like you did in my dream. That's all it takes for the simmering inside me to finally bubble over, and we come together, drowning in each other's eyes.
We sink back down into the mattress, breathless and depleted. As we lie clinging to each other, completely spent, I hear sobbing. It takes a moment to realize that it's coming from me. As you hold me tightly in your arms and caress me with both your hands and your eyes, I finally realize what I've been so afraid of - what has been fueling my nightmares. It was never the agents. Or the bullets. Not even the fear of my own death because, god knows, I would give my life for you if it came to that. No, what I realize I was afraid of was this. This closeness. This total reliance on another person to be complete. Being this much in love.
But now, lying here wrapped only in each other, we're as close as two people can possibly get. And I realize that I'm no longer afraid.
In your arms, I'm home.