Disclaimer: Okay, this is probably the most depressing thing I have ever written in my entire life. It's kinda short and I'm not sure if it is any good, but it is the first Rentfic that I've felt worthy enough to post on here for all you fine readers. So please, read, review, throw tomatos, throw cookies, tell me I should never even think of using a keyboard ever again for any reason. Uhhh.....I mean, pick one of the above. You don't have to do ALL of that. Anyway, I do not own any Rent characters (though I wouldn't mind if I did....).
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They Think
They think I don't hear what they say about me. But I do. Of course I do. I'm usually in the same room. They think I don't notice the looks they give to each other when I say something that comes off as ditzy or stupid. But I do. Even when what I said wasn't ditzy or stupid. If anyone else said it, it would be brillant. They think I don't have emotions. That they can say anything about me and it won't hurt me in the least. They don't know that every word feels like a stab in my heart. They think that I could care less about them. That I'll step on whoever I have to so I can get what I want. They think that I use them all. I don't know. Maybe they're right. But I do care. That's why I'm going to do them all this favor. After tonight, they won't have to worry about "Maureen the drama queen" ever again.
I don't know why I act the way I do. I really can't blame them for thinking I'm a cold hearted bitch. Did I ever prove myself as anything else? Did I even try? I never meant to hurt anyone. Not even Mark or Joanne, though I suppose that is contrary to popular belief. Especially not them. I love both of them more than I've ever loved anyone or anything. I've always felt like Mark is my soul mate. Not in a romantic way, but as my best friend. He is always there when I need him to be. He always knows just what to say. And how did I repay him? If I had ripped out his heart and stomped it into the ground with my stiletto heels, it would have been more humane. And Joanne......she completes me. She is everything that I can never be. She challanges me. She deserves better than me. She should have someone who appreciates her. Who isn't afraid of the commitment that comes along with the relationship. Someone who isn't me.
You know, I never cheated on either of them. I'm not sure if they will ever believe that, but it's the truth. Yeah, I flirt a lot. I'd be lying if I denied that. But I'm all talk. They'll be better off without me. They don't need me. I was always the one who couldn't survive without them. I guess I'm proving that now. Look at me, taking the coward's way out. I hate myself for it. God, Angel would be so disappointed in me. She fought so hard to live and here I am, forcing myself to.......I wonder if it's going to hurt. I don't have the guts to cut my wrists. Not like April. The image of her in that bathtub, the water scarlet from her blood, has haunted me since the day Mark and I found her there. I was the one who cleaned up the bathroom after it happened. Mark and Collins had their hands full with Roger and Benny was.......well wherever the hell he went back then. There was so much blood....afterwards I scrubbed my hands until they were raw, trying to get rid of the feeling of her blood on my hands. No....not only don't I have the guts to go like that, I couldn't put anyone else through it. I heard somewhere that taking a bottle of pills is the easiest way. You fall asleep and just never wake up. Well, it sounds good to me. Simple, easy, neat. And hopefully painless. But, everything seems painless when compared to living.
Almost time to go. The gang should be returning from The Life soon. I told them I was tired of life, to go on without me. They didn't realize that I wasn't talking about the cafe. I left a note at the loft for them, warning them so they wouldn't just walk in my apartment and find me dead. I threw in some comforting words too. Wouldn't want anyone to feel any extra remorse because of me. Am I really doing the right thing? Wait, where did that thought come from? No, no time for second thoughts. As the pills go down my throat, finally peace. I can feel myself growing drowsy, my life slipping away. Was that the front door? I must have imagined it. No....there's Mark's voice......why is he yelling? He wants me to open the door.....but I'm so tired.....I can't move.....As my eyes close, I see the door burst open.......
They think that they're in time to save me. But everything they think about me is wrong. The drama queen has left the building.
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They Think
They think I don't hear what they say about me. But I do. Of course I do. I'm usually in the same room. They think I don't notice the looks they give to each other when I say something that comes off as ditzy or stupid. But I do. Even when what I said wasn't ditzy or stupid. If anyone else said it, it would be brillant. They think I don't have emotions. That they can say anything about me and it won't hurt me in the least. They don't know that every word feels like a stab in my heart. They think that I could care less about them. That I'll step on whoever I have to so I can get what I want. They think that I use them all. I don't know. Maybe they're right. But I do care. That's why I'm going to do them all this favor. After tonight, they won't have to worry about "Maureen the drama queen" ever again.
I don't know why I act the way I do. I really can't blame them for thinking I'm a cold hearted bitch. Did I ever prove myself as anything else? Did I even try? I never meant to hurt anyone. Not even Mark or Joanne, though I suppose that is contrary to popular belief. Especially not them. I love both of them more than I've ever loved anyone or anything. I've always felt like Mark is my soul mate. Not in a romantic way, but as my best friend. He is always there when I need him to be. He always knows just what to say. And how did I repay him? If I had ripped out his heart and stomped it into the ground with my stiletto heels, it would have been more humane. And Joanne......she completes me. She is everything that I can never be. She challanges me. She deserves better than me. She should have someone who appreciates her. Who isn't afraid of the commitment that comes along with the relationship. Someone who isn't me.
You know, I never cheated on either of them. I'm not sure if they will ever believe that, but it's the truth. Yeah, I flirt a lot. I'd be lying if I denied that. But I'm all talk. They'll be better off without me. They don't need me. I was always the one who couldn't survive without them. I guess I'm proving that now. Look at me, taking the coward's way out. I hate myself for it. God, Angel would be so disappointed in me. She fought so hard to live and here I am, forcing myself to.......I wonder if it's going to hurt. I don't have the guts to cut my wrists. Not like April. The image of her in that bathtub, the water scarlet from her blood, has haunted me since the day Mark and I found her there. I was the one who cleaned up the bathroom after it happened. Mark and Collins had their hands full with Roger and Benny was.......well wherever the hell he went back then. There was so much blood....afterwards I scrubbed my hands until they were raw, trying to get rid of the feeling of her blood on my hands. No....not only don't I have the guts to go like that, I couldn't put anyone else through it. I heard somewhere that taking a bottle of pills is the easiest way. You fall asleep and just never wake up. Well, it sounds good to me. Simple, easy, neat. And hopefully painless. But, everything seems painless when compared to living.
Almost time to go. The gang should be returning from The Life soon. I told them I was tired of life, to go on without me. They didn't realize that I wasn't talking about the cafe. I left a note at the loft for them, warning them so they wouldn't just walk in my apartment and find me dead. I threw in some comforting words too. Wouldn't want anyone to feel any extra remorse because of me. Am I really doing the right thing? Wait, where did that thought come from? No, no time for second thoughts. As the pills go down my throat, finally peace. I can feel myself growing drowsy, my life slipping away. Was that the front door? I must have imagined it. No....there's Mark's voice......why is he yelling? He wants me to open the door.....but I'm so tired.....I can't move.....As my eyes close, I see the door burst open.......
They think that they're in time to save me. But everything they think about me is wrong. The drama queen has left the building.