Auron's Angst Spectacular (or The Case of the Missing Jug)

Disclaimer: We don't own the characters of Final Fantasy 10, which belong to Square Whatever-They-Are-Now.

Summary: Auron loses something very near and dear to his heart. The group embarks upon a grand journey to retrieve it, resulting in madness, mayhem, and a dramatic increase in Rikku's stats.

Chapter 1: Sounds Like a Side Quest!

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We are all taught right from childhood that loss is a natural part of life, and a hardship that everyone must deal with at some point or another. It is a simple concept in theory, but in practice, it becomes much harder. What is one to do when the loss is so great that they simply feel that they cannot go on, that life will be utterly impossible? Utterly meaningless?

Perhaps some inkling of these questions occurred to Auron as he gradually awoke on that blithe spring morning late in April, or at least the Spira equivalent, in a small, narrow bed in a random inn, in an equally random town. He climbed from his little next of blankets, pillows, and a teddy bear that he never would have admitted to, even under threat of death for more reasons than are obvious to those who are familiar with exactly who and what Auron is, and dressed for the day, all the while trying to fight off the niggling feeling that something was missing. Something important. Something that had been a part of him for as long as he could remember.

Still, being a busy curmudgeonly, badass ronin, Auron didn't have time to dwell on such issues. Affixing his shoulder guard and slinging his sword over his shoulder, he left the room, still unable to shake the feeling that he was forgetting something that would later come back to haunt him.

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   "Hey, Auron," Tidus greeted, far too happily for so early in the morning, jogging over as Auron left the inn.

   "Hey, kid," Auron returned.

   "Are we still going weapon-shopping?" Tidus asked, eyes wide and shiny.

   "Yeah, I need a new sharp, pokey thing. Let's go," Auron replied with a small smile that no one could have possibly seen beneath his neck-thingy, turning and starting toward the local Random Village Weapon Emporium.

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   "Hi!" Tidus called to the guy behind the counter with a friendly wave as the two entered the Emporium.

   "Hey there, sonny," the ancient fellow behind the counter smiled toothlessly at them. "In the market for some new sharp, hurty things, are ye?"

Auron didn't react at all, in a manner that suggested surprise. 

   "Uh…yeah. Sharp…hurty things. I would have said pokey, myself…"

   "Ooh, fresh out of pokey things," the clerk told them sadly. "Just have hurty."

   "Well, I guess hurty will have to do," Tidus agreed reluctantly.

   "No, it won't," Auron said firmly. "I need sharp, hurty, AND pokey, dammit! With piercing plus two! We're going to another weapon emporium! Come on."

   "You'll be back," the old man wheezed as Auron dragged a startled Tidus from the store.

Auron may have smiled slightly, but no one could be sure for reasons already covered.

   "We'll see, won't we?"

As they reached the door, Auron reached into that vague space of 'somewhere at his side' and withdrew a Dark Matter.

Ten seconds later, the weapon emporium had ceased to be, having taken more than the damage limit of an average weapon emporium.

Tidus blinked to remove dust from his eye.

   "You know that was the only weapon place in the town, right?"

   "So, we'll go to a different town. We've got time, you know. Turns out Sin will just wait for us, no matter how long we take to get to him. Remember when we got Anima? That took us days and days. But it was worth it," he concluded.

   "Yeah, but Auron, where did you get a piece of Dark Matter?"

   "Well," Auron began, stepping over a piece of well-charred wood near the road. "Remember when we were at the Omega Ruins, maxing out Rikku's sphere grid…for some reason-"

   "I don't think it's fair that Rikku can cast every black and white magic spell known to man, in addition to doing more damage than me, with her knuckles!"

   "Quit whining. I'm telling a story here."

   "I thought this was my story!"

   "This was your story; it began here. Unfortunately, some Rikku fanboy playing this game decided it's her story, so she's getting all the levelling up and sphere grid love."

   "That sucks," Tidus pouted.

   "Yeah, I can't say I like being out-muscled by Rikku either. I'd say take it up with her, but I don't think either of us stands a chance. Now, as I was saying…damn. What was I saying?"

   "We were at the Omega Ruins?"

   "Yeah, right. Remember when we ran into Omega Weapon?"

   "Boy, do I! That could have been horrible, if Rikku hadn't beat him in three hits!"

   "That was Ultima Weapon! We bribed Omega Weapon, remember? I gave him five million gil to go away, and he gave me ten Dark Matter, which I put into my jug here-" As he glanced down at his side to notice that something was undeniably missing, his expression may have changed. "Where's my jug?"

   "Gee, I don't know," Tidus replied, perplexed. "Maybe you left it in the inn."

   "I didn't leave it in the inn," Auron snapped.

   "Maybe you left it in the weapon emporium?"

   "Don't say that," Auron said almost hysterically.

   "Hey, you done shopping, ya?"

We shall leave it to the reader to decide who said this.

   "Hi, Wakka," Tidus greeted absently, deciding not to leave anything up to the intelligence of people in general. "Hey, Wakka, have you seen Auron's jug?"

   "Ya, I've seen it," Wakka replied. "It's about this big-" He held up his hands to indicate. "-kinda white, and has beads?"

   "So, you know where it is?" Auron asked almost hopefully.

   "Ya, it's hangin' from your belt, ya?"

Auron looked, despite the fact that he knew otherwise.

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When Rikku emerged from the inn five seconds later, it was to the curious sight of Tidus trying to restrain a lividly angry Auron from strangling Wakka. She was about to go over and inquire as to what was going on, when Omega Weapon sauntered past and looked at her funny. She absently power-flicked it into the stratosphere, where it assumed a low earth orbit, and presumably is waiting for the time when it will return to kill every young blonde girl it happens across, in hopes of living down that humiliation.

   "What's going on, guys? Oh, yaay, it's Beat On Wakka Day!" she chirped, tapping him gently on the shoulder.

   "Argh!" he howled as his shoulder broke in three places.

   "Oops! I forgot I have max strength attributes!"

   "Don't know how you could forget," Wakka whimpered. "You keep reminding us every five seconds!"

   "How's that shoulder, Wakka?" she asked cheerfully, leaning on it.

   "Arrrrrrrrgh, ya!"

   "Will you just heal him?" Lulu said, apparently having arrived within the last couple of seconds.

With a pout, Rikku cast an insanely powerful Curaga, at which everyone in the nearby vicinity found themselves feeling refreshed. Even Omega Weapon, from space, found that his headache was fading.

   "Hey, what do you think of this skimpy outfit?" Yuna asked, emerging from a nearby shop.

As one, Rikku, Auron, Wakka, Lulu, and Kimahri, who had also shown up, but said little, as was his wont, shook their heads.

   "No, ya?" Wakka commented.

   "So…which is it?" Yuna asked, confused.

   "No. Ya."

   "Um…anyway, what do you think, Rikku?"

   "I've seen skimpier," Rikku shrugged.

   "Ooh, of course, Rikku's seen skimpier," Tidus muttered. "Because she's seen everything, with her God-like stats! I feel better now. At least, I will if Yuna keeps wearing that outfit," he concluded hopefully.

   "I…don't know…if the….world is ready…for…this," Yuna said.

   "Looks good to me, honey!" Sin commented, flying past.

   "Your dad is a pervert!" Yuna told Tidus angrily. Or, at least the Yuna-equivalent of angry.

   "Yeah, and he's an alcoholic, and abusive, and a big meanie!" Tidus added.

   "What a whiner," Auron sighed. "Ooh, my dad is a big spiky end-boss! Poor me! I have to kill my dad! Angst, angst, angst! Can we please focus on the important issue? My jug is missing!"

   "Sounds like a side-quest!" Rikku commented excitedly.

   "Nooooooooooooo, ya?" Wakka howled in agony.

   "Well…let me…go…change, and…we'll be off," Yuna said.

   "That's how it's done," Auron said approvingly. After all, a daughter of Braska should not be going around dressed like that!

As they dispersed to run their various errands, no one noticed Lulu's slight smirk of satisfaction.

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   "Hey, Lulu, where are we going?" Tidus asked, scratching his head as the airship made yet another completely unexpected and seemingly random turn.

   "We're looking for my jug," Auron broke in from the corner, where he had been sulking very pointedly at everyone. "What more do you need?"

   "I'm the inquisitive type," Tidus replied cheerfully. "And anyway, I don't know anything about this world."

   "Just this world?" Auron muttered.

   "There is a jug dealership running out of the Thunder Plains," Lulu, who had apparently been biding her time through this entertaining bit of side-rhetoric. "Do you have any pictures or spheres of this jug? They could prove useful."

Auron was just about to reply incredulously that of course he had spheres – what kind of fool would leave home without them? – when it occurred to him in a sickening rush that he was.

   "I left them back in Zanarkand!"

   "Well, then, before we go to the Thunder Plains, I suppose we had better search the Zanarkand Ruins," Lulu said thoughtfully.

   "Do we really have time for all these side quests, ya?" Wakka asked impatiently. "Sin is probably gobbling up villages left and right!"

   "Hmph!" Auron hmphed. "All he'll have to do is find one village with a good extensive wine cellar, and he won't leave. I imagine he'll be quite incapacitated by the time we get to him."

   "Alright!" Rikku chirped. "I love side quests! Maybe we can find some items that can enhance my stats!"

   "Mutter-mutter-mutter," said everyone else rather resentfully.

   "Ahem," someone said delicately.

Everyone wheeled about to stare at Kimahri in astonishment.

   "It talked!" Tidus gasped.

   "Kimahri not understand why we go to such lengths to find stupid jug," Kimahri continued.

Auron's eyes narrowed. He grabbed Kimahri by the horn and dragged him closer.

   "Say that again," he suggested menacingly.

   "Kimahri not understand why we go to such lengths to find-"

   "Alright, alright, fine," Auron grumbled. "I can't intimidate this one. My bad-ass stat could use some boosting."

   "Well, then. If no one else has anything irrelevant to add-" Lulu began.

   "I just wanted to…say that I'm very…excited about…finally ridding Spira…of Sin and bringing…the…calm," Yuna said very slowly.

   "Very…good, Yuna. I see my…acting…lessons have paid………off," William Shatner called from off-stage in a blatant shattering of the fourth wall.

   "Wakka, go fix that," Lulu sighed.

   "Ya," Wakka agreed, pulling a carpenter's hat and a tub of Spackle from out of nowhere. "Some things you can't fix by summoning Aeons, or stealing, or blasting into tiny bits with black magic, or even throwing a Blitz Ball! So, it's a good thing ol' Wakka is here for some first-class carpentry! Ya."

   "I could have carried that Spackle with me, if I had my jug," Auron said to himself, getting slightly misty in the eyes. "Now, can we go, please?"

   "You can't rush genius, ya?" Wakka called, measuring a board of dry wall.

   "How about what you've got?" Auron asked.

   "Is it just me, or is Auron crustier and curmudgeonier than usual?" Tidus asked, scratching his head.

   "Curmudgeonier isn't…a…word…you," Yuna informed him fondly.

   "I have a name, you know," Tidus said, slightly offended.

   "I know," Yuna replied. "Isn't he great, Rikku?"

   "Yeah," Rikku agreed. "We all like him!"

   "Yes, there are times when he's almost tolerable," Lulu agreed. "Now, shall we go?"

   "Yes! We shall!" Auron replied, shoving Brother out of the way. "Move, buddy. I'm flying this thing now!"

   "I am not Buddy! I am Brother! HE is Buddy!" Brother exclaimed, pointing flamboyantly at the other man before flamboyantly retiring to the airship's all-night disco. It was a large airship…

   "Why…do I get the feeling…that we're all going to…die…a horrible death?" Yuna asked, holding tightly to Tidus' arm as the airship sped up abruptly and began to swerve crazily through the air.

Auron chuckled from the steering thingy.

   "Some of us don't have to worry about that…"

   "Yup!" Rikku agreed smugly, totally missing the point. "I equipped my armour with Death-Proof!"

   "Hey, the wall's fixed, ya!" Wakka informed everyone. "No more bad actors from the sixties getting in the way of our mission! By the way, that'll be fifty-thousand gil."

   "I hate unions," Lulu said darkly.

   "Kimahri hate unions, too. Get in way of capitalist bourgeois pigs' oppression of working class, of which Kimahri approve," the Ronso said, lighting a pipe carved from adamantine, and adjusting his monocle.

   "Hey, guys, did I mention that all my stats are all maxed out and yours aren't?" Rikku piped up. "Ow!" she shrieked as the ship turned a hard left and she flew into a wall.

   "She may be Level Too High to Count, but she's still light," Auron cackled.

   "I broke the wall!" Rikku said mournfully.

Lulu sighed.

   "Wakka? Wall?"

   "Alright! Now I can get next year's supply of hair gel," Wakka noted, pleased, as he pulled his hat and tub of Spackle back out of hammerspace.

   "Are we there yet?" Tidus asked.

   "Can't you find something else to whine about, kid?" Auron demanded.

   "I hate my dad!" Tidus informed everyone tearfully.

   "Had to ask," Auron muttered.

   "Where did that come from?" Rikku asked.

   "Years and years of pent-up bitterness! And my mouth," Tidus added cheerfully.

Lulu turned to Auron.

   "Are we there yet?"

Auron grunted in vague annoyance.

   "Damned kids."

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