Chapter 4 – Severe Paine

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   "Hit me, ya?"

   "Uh—"

   "How many?" Tidus asked, interrupting Auron, much to his disgust.

   "Guys?"

   "You remember, Wakka, you can only have up to five," Lulu warned.

   "Hey! Guys!" Auron said impatiently.

   "Man," Wakka sighed. "Poker's so complicated. We shoulda played Go Sin instead."

   "No, we should've stopped playing games two hours ago, and started looking for my jug!"

   "Gee, Auron, I think you're developing an obsession with that jug," Tidus said nervously.

   "Trust me, kid, the only thing I'm obsessed with right now is the idea of causing you severe pain," Auron growled.

   "Huh?" a girl several seats down the bar said, looking up abruptly.

Her brilliant ruby-hued eyes gazed piercingly at them, and the light reflected dazzlingly off her oddly-shaped silvered locks. She had the kind of hair that looked sculpted by some professional with too much time on his hands, and far too much creativity for his own good, and made hair-stylists the world round do a double take, and then weep in despair. Her skin was the colour of new milk, but not quite. A little darker, actually. And the immense sword propped up next to her at the bar led a person to believe that attempting to drink her would probably result in a sharp and pointy future.

Tidus shivered a little as he noticed the silver skull-shaped ornamentation at the handle leering oddly at him, and Auron began to feel a wee bit inadequate. Wakka sensed that she looked a lot like Lulu's little sister, ya? You know, if Lulu spent a lot more time with her hair. And wore leather straps and not much else. At this thought, Wakka's nose began to bleed slightly, and he wished she would, ya? Yuna wracked her brains for an apology for disturbing their new acquaintance. Kimahri reflected that the girl "look good, but need bigger horn. Or any horn, really." Lulu looked her up and down and concluded that in general, she approved of the girl's fashion sense. She didn't have as much to work with as Lulu, but she certainly made up for it in other ways.

   "Did you guys not call me?" the girl asked, staring quizzically back at all these odd people staring at her.

   "Nope," Tidus replied cheerfully.

   "Oh," she nodded. "Well, bye."

With that, she hopped off her stool, grabbed her sword, and left.

   "Anyway," Tidus said, not really going anywhere with this, but anxious to break the silence.

   "Can we go?" Auron demanded grumpily.

   "Yes, dear," Lulu replied, patting him condescendingly on the head as best she could reach.

   "I thought I was your dear, Lu," Wakka said, a little hurt.

   "Don't worry your pointed little head about it, Wakka," she said reassuringly, patting him on the head with her other hand.

   "Kimahri not pay bill. Kimahri sick of always paying bill," the Ronso said pettishly.

   "We didn't order anything, Kimahri," Tidus reminded him soothingly.

   "Just warning for next time," Kimahri explained before taking a surreptitious puff of his ivory-inlaid pipe.

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   "Ergh!" Seymour grunted in annoyance as the giant blue thingy on the top of his head drooped forward once again. "I think I'll need more hair gel."

   "What in the hell are you doing?" Sin demanded, something that might have been an eyebrow if Sin had been anyone but Sin lifting slightly.

Seymour sighed and rolled his eyes.

   "I swear, some people think this just happens by itself," he said, gesturing to his impossible hairstyle.

   "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait just a second here," Sin requested, holding up a flipper. "You do that on purpose?!"

   "To be the future leader of the world, one must be stylish," Seymour said with a cheesy grin.

   "Is that what they're callin' it nowadays?" Sin chuckled. "Back in my day – the distant past – they had some other names for it. Dorky was one of the kinder ones."

   "Well, there's simply no accounting for taste," Seymour said absently, scooping another handful of yellow Wakka-Brand Super-Hold hair gel from the little plastic tub and rubbing it into his hair.

   "You said it," Sin said emphatically. "I don't know how you expect to get a chick looking like that. Maybe your big beer gut?"

    "That's not my gut!" Seymour protested, whirling about and glaring at Sin. "That's the cut of my outfit!"

   "Get a new tailor," Sin suggested kindly.

   "This is very Guado!"

   "Get a new species."

   "You just don't understand fashion," Seymour sighed, shaking his head and then making a disgusted face as this caused his hair to droop forward again.

   "Maybe that's because it's so damn hard to find a shirt my size," Sin grunted. "I'd have to ask the guy, 'now, does this accommodate the wings that may sprout forth from my back periodically? Should I shop at Mr. Huge and Towering? Do these shoes make my flippers look fat?'"

   "I have the feeling you're not taking me seriously," Seymour said, rather hurt, readjusting the blue thingy sticking out of the back of his head and then preening for a few seconds before the full-length mirror he had moved in.

   "I can't imagine why," Sin said. "Although, it could have something to do with everything about you. You've got stupid hair, you've got stupid clothes – you're only a red nose away from being a clown. Aw, don't cry," he concluded as Seymour's lip began to quiver.

   "I'm trying to bring about the Spiral of Death in Spira, and all you can do is complain about my wardrobe!"

   "As long as I don't have to wear it, it's not complaining; it's mocking," Sin explained.

Seymour sighed, turning from the mirror, the masterpiece complete at last.

   "Anyway. Can I be the new Sin yet?"

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   "Yaay! We're finally at the Thunder Plains!" said Auron.

   "I've never seen Auron so excited," Tidus muttered to Wakka before dodging a lightning bolt. "Y'know, I remember why I never liked it here. How come all the lightning always goes after me, anyway?"

   "Must be your magnetic personality," Auron chuckled.

   "You got a magnetic personality?" Wakka asked, impressed. "Okay, I gotta try something. Auron! Gimme a sword!"

   "I would," Auron bit out, "but they're all in my jug!"

Wakka thought carefully.

   "Uh…Kimahri! Gimme one of your stick thingies!"

   "Only in interest of seeing boy hit by pole arm," Kimahri said, handing it over.

Wakka intently tapped the side of Tidus' arm with the metallic, sharp, hurty bit on the end.

   "It's not workin'," he reported. "Turn it on, ya?"

   "Uh…what're you doin', Wakka?" Tidus asked hesitantly.

   "I wanna see the magnet!" Wakka replied.

   "We're finally at the Thunder Plains," Auron sobbed, "and we're still doing nothing! I'm starting to think I'm the only one who cares about getting my jug back!"

   "But…Auron…you are…the…only one…who…cares," Yuna admitted eventually.

   "We could fight the Iron Giant," Lulu suggested.

   "We don't have time for that!" Auron barked.

   "I was merely pointing out that if we don't fight it, it may kill Kimahri," she shrugged, pointing.

Kimahri turned slowly, certain that he wasn't going to like this.

   "Give back stick!" he ordered, waving his hand frantically.

   "Now I'll never see the magnet, ya?" Wakka said disappointedly, handing it over. "It woulda come in really handy, with the Iron Giant."

   "Oh, great," the Iron Giant sighed, sitting down cross-legged and pouting. "Some bold adventurers finally show up, and they're all a bunch of morons! Where's the challenge, I ask you?"

   "You want a challenge?" Auron growled. "I've got your challenge, right here!"

He waved his sword menacingly for a moment before noticing that he wasn't, because it wasn't there.

   "Right," he sighed. "No sword."

   "And the moron count is complete," the Iron Giant grumbled.

   "We don't have time for this," Lulu decided. "Wakka, throw your ball at him."

   "Alright!" Wakka cheered. "Something I know how to do!"

He wound up and hurled the ball through the air.

   "Poing!" it said as it struck the thoroughly disgusted Iron Giant.

   "You're supposed to catch it!" Wakka said. "Man, Iron Giants are no good at Blitzball."

   "Why don't…I…help?" Yuna suggested. Once the Iron Giant had recovered from his laughing fit, she continued, affronted. "Hey! I can…do…stuff! Just wait until you see this!"

With that, she leapt into a little summoning-dance that did nothing to help the Iron Giant stop laughing.

   "Yojimbo!"

   "No!" everyone else howled as the sky grew…well, cloudier.

   "Heya, toots, whadda youse want?" a voice from behind her asked.

   "Go get him!" Yuna commanded.

Yojimbo looked at her curiously for a moment.

   "Youse want me to whack this guy?"

   "Yes! Whack him!" Yuna agreed heartily.

   "Well, I don't just do that for free."

   "Yeah! Go! Go—what?"

   "Youse heard me, dollface. In order to do the whackin', Yojimbo's gonna need a little incentive, capiche?. Youse think this puppy pays for itself?" he demanded, gesturing to his dog. 

   "Ooh! He's cute! I want one!" Yuna chirped.

   "May I just put in that I am absolutely mortified by the state of adventurers nowadays?" the Iron Giant interjected.

   "So, how 'bout it, cookie? We gonna do this thing or what?"

   "Well…we don't…exactly…have a lot of…money right now. We were wondering….if…you could…do a…freebie."

   "A freebie," Yojimbo repeated flatly. "Let me tell you a little somethin' about the family. The family is not big on comps. You understand what I'm sayin'?"

   "No…freebie?" Yuna guessed sadly. "I…suppose you…had…better…just go…then."

   "Oh! So, youse bring me all the way here, to the Thunder Plains, where I could get hit by lightning if Tidus weren't right over there, and then youse tells me that I'm not getting paid?"

   "Yes," Yuna confirmed.

   "Hey, Iron Giant; you got any money? Want these guys whacked? Nothin' personal," he added aside to Yuna, giving her a playful smack on the cheek. "Just business."

Yuna was silent for a moment. Then…

   "Anima!"

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   "Hey, Anima," Ixion called, raising his head from the beer trough, which had been known to make Bahamut very jealous. "You're up!"

   "Oh, woe is me! Sob, sad noises—what?"

   "I knew she was faking it," Ifrit muttered to Shiva. "Nobody can be that depressed all the time. At least, once they're past adolescence."

From the other end of the bar, another sniffle and sob drifted.

   "I remember when Yuna used to call on me," Valefor sighed, setting down her beer. "Then she got all these fancy city-Aeons, and now she's forgotten all the fun we used to have together. Beating up plant thingies, beating up Iron Giants, beating up Wakka, beating up Belgamine…oh, all the happy times! All gone!"

   "I refuse to get depressed…I refuse to get depressed…I refuse to get depressed," Shiva chanted.

   "Hey, Shiva; loan me fifty gil?" Ifrit asked, nudging her in the side.

She sighed, eyes beginning to tear up slightly.

   "I'm dating a leech. Sure, he's great in the bedroom, but I'm dating a leech!"

   "Hey, Anima? You're still up," Ixion prodded. "You know how testy Yuna gets when we don't come right away.

Anima chuckled, tears forgotten.

   "Yeah; she may talk haltingly at me."

   "And then apologize," Bahamut slurred, laughing loudly.

   "Hey, come on, you guys," Valefor protested. "Yuna may not be the toughest girl out there, but she's still our summoner! And anyway, I think she could kick ass in a pair of short-shorts."

   "Yeah, right," Ixion snorted. "Like Little Miss Modest would ever wear those!"

   "Yeah! I can just see her wedding night now! 'But Yuna,'" Ifrit began, imitating Tidus, "'you'll probably have to take your clothes off at some point.'"

   "'I…don't know, you,'" Shiva replied in an exaggeratedly halting voice. "'It…doesn't…seem…right.'"

Valefor glared.

   "You guys all suck!"

   "Then how come we're the only ones who ever get summoned?" Bahamut asked, grinning.

Valefor's eyes filled with tears, and after one shocked moment, she turned and ran from the room, sobbing.

Bahamut shrugged.

   "What'd I say?"

   "So, Anima, you gonna go or not?" Ixion demanded, turning to her own special corner of the bar.

 But she was gone.

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End Notes: End notes?! We don't need no stinkin' end notes!