Declaimer: if you have read any other fics of mine you would know that I do not own anything

This is written as a challenge from one of my friends (Tyster) and was not suppose to actually come out this depressing

Warning: this fic contains suicidal themes, swearing and heavy snog sessions thus the rating, so please don't say I didn't warn you. Well except if you don't read this, but that is still your fault.

Summary: James asks Lily to talk to him one night at the astronomy tower, but when Lily shows up late, James thinks she wont come and so goes ahead with his plan to kill himself. (if you continue reading then you will see that it isn't only for Lily) what happens when Lily does show up as he is about to do so? Will sparks fly? Contains a confused Lily, a very pissed off and depressed James and an Astronomy Tower. Btw this is a one shot. I'll shut up now

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Lost Hope

Lily strode toward her favorite class. Charms. This was the only class in which she exceeded in. The rest of them were ok and was usually second best, James would be first and sometimes followed by Sirius and Remus in Defense Against the Dark Arts and Transfiguration

Oh well, James is good in a lot of classes, and in other stuff too. She giggled. Immediately she stopped in her tracks

"Wait!" she said quickly. "What the hell am I thinking?", she shook her head and began walking again

But he is. He'd changed since last year. She had to admit that much. Especially if all the rumors were true. But could they be? Her train of thoughts was interrupted by a cocky voice from behind

"Evans", she turned around and found none other than James Potter himself

Her heart dropped and her blood pounded in her veins, but she had convinced herself that it had nothing to do with happiness. Quite the contrary actually, she hated him. In reality the fact that she hated him, was to her the biggest understatement of the century. She rolled her eyes

"What, Potter?" she hissed, "what do you want from my life?" he looked slightly hurt for a moment and she realized for the first time that he was alone

"Lily, I know you hate me" he said sincerely, and she was surprised, "but I want to talk to you at least for ten minutes. Tonight at eight at the Astronomy Tower, please. I need to explain everything" he pleaded

"Everything?" she asked suspiciously, "what do you mean everything?"

"The way I've been acting towards you and the whole world lately" he replied quietly. He looked so serious that she couldn't refuse. But she still couldn't fully trust him

"I'll think about it" she answered a while after. "Now come on we're going to be late for Charms" she added as she grabbed his hand, causing him to blush as he smiled

"Why, Evans are you tying to distract yourself from my charms?" he shot back cockily, "but you are right, Lily Flower", he smiled at her and let her hand drop and began running, while shouting back at her "Last one there is a Blast-End-Screwt"

Lily was transfixed at the 17 year old person running in front of her and acting like a 10 year old. Transfixed at the sincerity of his voice while they talked. Transfixed at the fact that he called her Lily

She snapped out of it and tore after him

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She was walking through the corridors again, only this time she wasn't going to Charm's class. No. She was going to the Astronomy Tower

She decided to go and meet James- no Potter- She wasn't sure why she was going through this. She had a very bad feeling at the pit of her stomach, and it grew with every passing step. Ever since they had met up in the corridor

It was worry and dread

The look in his eye when he asked to explain, made her uneasy. He looked lost, alone and withdrawn. And further more his fellow marauders did not surround him, and that was a rare sight if ever there was one

She fastened her pace

^~^ Astronomy Tower ~^~^

A tall man was waiting in the shadows, looking at the moon. As the moon's light showered over the man's face, silent tears could be seen sliding down his cheeks. They sparkled as they fell to the floor and on his black robes. His eyes were tightly shut and his hands turned to fists, as he tried in vein to hold back the tears

She's late he thought, There's no other explanation

Oh grow up Potter! His other half thought, She hates you, always has and always will. Nothing you can say or do can change her mind

No. I need at least one person in this fucked up world

Do you really? Is that why you're here now? just get a grip of yourself and do what you came to do

James shook his head one last time before he glanced despairingly at the door and wondering for the hundredth time, why the hell did he ask Lily to come. Even if she had arrived, what would be the difference? She would never be able to help him

He took a step towards the edge. Would anyone miss me? He began to wonder. Sirius? His mind turned to his best friend, nah he's probably shagging some chic. He shook his head. That's what I should be doing, he thought depressed. He took another step

Remus? Would he miss me? His thoughts drifted to his other friend. Even if he did he would probably get over it within two days after getting absorbed in a book. He stepped closer

Peter? He wondered. Who cares what Peter would be doing. The brink of the tower came ever so close as he thought of the last person who meant so much to him

Lily. He smiled, but his smile was one of bitterness and sorrow. He wanted her so badly but he knew she would never want to do anything with him. She shook his head one last time. Cant blame her really. I really was a dickhead back then. I wonder what she's doing now? Probably sleeping

As he reached the ledge, he risked a last glance at the door, and felt a pang of disappointment as he saw that no one was there. He turned around and stared at the landscape in front of him.

His mind devoid of almost any thought, his heart empty of any emotion, he spread his arms like wings, raised his head to the heavens, his eyes shut as silent tears glistened down his cheeks and he muttered his last remaining thought, as he let gravity pull him down

"Goodnight Lily Flower" he whispered solemnly

"James?" he stopped dead at the call of his name. The voice was the one he longed for so much

She came?

His arms snapped to his sides, yet the tears still drifted down his cheeks

"James?" Lily asked softly. "Is that you? What are you doing?"

"Nothing" he stated simply though his voice trembled.

Lily walked up to him in a small pace, while his back was still at her. She raised a hand to his shoulder and willed him to face her. Her heart melted at the sight of his tear-stained face. He looked down; ashamed

"James what's wrong?" she asked tentatively

His eyes met hers for a moment before he walked past her and headed to the door. Lily grabbed his arm to stop him but he swung it away, as he turned to her, his face enraged

"WHAT?!?" he bellowed suddenly, making Lily stop in her tracks. "WHAT DO YOU WANT LILY? You want to know why I'm up here every night wishing I could just jump off that goddamn ledge but I'm too much of a fucking coward to do it? Why I don't bloody bother to sleep anymore? To eat? To care? Since when do you care Evans? Since when do you actually give a shit Evans? HUH??" he finished, panting for air, in large drawing gasps while never taking his eyes off hers. He ran a hand through his messy hair, trying to avert his gaze to anywhere but to her piercing eyes

Lily was stunned. She didn't expect James Potter to snap at anyone like that. She didn't expect to see a tear-stained and heartbroken James Potter in front of her. But then again, she hadn't expected to walk in on James Potter, as he was about to end his life

Her thoughts were interrupted by a sudden movement coming from the man that stood before her. Her eyes caught sight of something on his forearm. Her heart raced faster. As she reached out to take hold of his arm he shot back once again.

He tried to force himself to leave but his mind, body and heart would not cooperate and so he stayed where he was, as the conflict within him continued. He snapped out of his daze by a calm and soft voice. He looked up and his sad chocolate orbs met determined green ones and he knew exactly what was coming

"James" she began steadily, panic visible in her voice, "give me your arm". James continued to look at her and he knew he was fighting a losing battle, for he already acknowledged Lily's stubbornness in getting whatever she wanted and this was no different.

He sighed in defeat as he hesitantly raised his arm to her. As soon as she had a firm grasp of his arm, she pulled up his sleeve and gasped at what she saw. Her head shot up to face him, but he wasn't looking at her. His head was tilted to his side, away from her, with his eyes shut as more silent tears made their way down his cheeks

She looked back at his forearm. There were deep cuts, slicing his skin on the entire length of his forearm; some small, some big, but they were all deep. She ran a cold finger over the scars, and although he winced he didn't pull away.

She looked up to him again, her eyes full of worry, fear, dread and… there was something else; something that James didn't recognize an unrecognizable emotion. He felt his heart flutter and he wanted to be locked within her gaze for an eternity, but her next question brought him back to the harsh reality and stirred his anger once more

"Why?" her voice trembled, as if afraid of the answer. He drew back his arm in a flash and stared at her with an expression of utter most bewilderment

"WHY?!?!" he shrieked, "Why? Are you bloody kidding me, Lily?!?" he stared at her, as his eyes shot her cold glares, "You must be one of the few people that know fucking why!", Lily felt a pang of guilt as he saw more tears threatening to escape. James saw the feeling cross her eyes, which enraged him even more. "Don't be flattered Evans! It doesn't all revolve around you!" he spat viciously

As soon as the words left his mouth he regretted them as he saw the effect they had on her. Lily stood in front of him, unable to move, trying to comprehend why his words stung her so much emotionally

James turned to leave. He needed to. He walked swiftly to the door, and as he reached the doorknob he felt someone yanked him around. Before he could register what was happening Lily had pressed her lips on his

James almost gave in to the feeling that surged through him. He admired the softness of Lily's lips, and loved the way they fitted perfectly with his.

Almost

As realization hit him he stiffened immediately. Lily, the love of his life just kissed him. Correction, is kissing him. And he couldn't help but wonder why. He pulled back

"Lily, wha-" he begun huskily, Lily placed a cold hand on his cheek, causing him to stop and look at her

"Shh, James. When I saw you there and then I saw your scars ad- and your shouting it- it-it woke.. Something, inside me. I-" she was cut off by James

"You felt sorry for me" he whispered slowly with bitterness, more to himself than to Lily

"No! James I-" she began but James placed a finger on her lips to silence her

"It's ok Lily. Really, it is. I understand" Lily felt her heart sink by the amount of hurt she saw in his eyes. "I just cant…." He trailed off as he stepped away

"Cant take what?" asked quietly, trying to ignore the burning sensation that James' lips had left on hers

"I-I-I can't take it anymore Lils" he said in a trembling whisper, still refusing to look at her

"Can't take what?" she asked slowly. James remained silent. "James look at me" she ordered him, pulling his face to be able to look into his eyes, but he looked away, eyes shut. "Cant take what?" she repeated, more tentatively

"Everything" he whimpered finally. Her touch was cold but the skin she touched was heated and he didn't know how long he would be able to last before he would break down again

Lily didn't move. She waited for him to elaborate on what he just said. James knew it. He could feel her eyes on him, willing him to answer. He couldn't think. Not like this. With her eyes piercing his skin, her touch making him shudder and her lips still burning his. He turned away

"Since my mum and dad.. my parents.. they died.. two months ago" he choked . "Sirius is.. he's.. he's just patronizing me.. with.. everything" he exhaled deeply and tried to move further away. Lily pulled him back to her

"Is that all James?" she asked him cautiously. He nodded hesitantly. "Are you sure?" In response he shut his eyes, as if it was pained him to consider it. "James?"

"And my grades are slipping.. badly" he added lamely. He didn't want her to know the other reason. He rubbed his eyes to clear up his mind. Lily looked at him thoughtfully

"Is that all James?" she asked again. He still avoided her gaze. "It isn't is it?" she continued

She placed her hand on his cheek once more only this time James' head snapped to her as he backed away. He turned his back to her and walked towards the ledge, and although Lily was afraid she knew he wouldn't do anything

A few moments later she began to wonder whether or not she should leave him alone. She made her way to the door in a slow pace, and as she reached it she heard James' whispered voice

"You", as she turned to face him a cold wisp of cold air hung near his reddened lips

A/N so I lied its not a one shot. I mean I tried to do it but it turned out to long, but please tell me what you think. I would like to hear (read) what you like and dislike about it along with what you think will happen or wish to happen. Its real easy actually, all you have to do is press that little button and write a review…Please! Thx xXx