Lost Hope

Chapter 5: One Last Time

He kept his other hand on her waist as he guided her inside, both with a content smile outlining their features while they were both lost in their thoughts.

They found Sirius waiting for them near the door and watching them from behind, he smiled at the way they acted with each other, happy to see his friend with the one he loves after all that he's been through

They made their way to the Gryffindor Common Room in a content silence as they all sank in to their own thoughts about the evening events as well as what was to come

As they reached the portrait hole of the Fat Lady, they came to a halt. Both Sirius and Lily waited for James to do the first move, and he knew that. The thing was, he didn't know if he wanted to go through with the whole thing

He had heard stories by other people who had turned to harming themselves for comfort that had lost some people they believed were close to them and found themselves alone.

He feared that his friends would leave him if he told them. He feared the fact that they might reject him for it. He feared being alone with no one in the world caring about him. He feared the questions that he would be asked. He feared others finding out. Most of all he feared the darkness that he had been subjected to and the prospect of no longer having that shelter to run to when he needed a way out

He looked up at Lily and Sirius and then his mind became clear

As he looked in both their eyes he had finally found a reason in going through with this. Even if Remus and Peter turn away from him, he knew that the people standing beside him would always be there for him

He let out a loud sigh as he whispered the password and entered, Sirius and Lily following behind him whilst exchanging a look of relief

Peter was sitting in one of the chairs staring into the roaring fire and Remus seemed to be pacing worriedly. As soon as they heard the portrait hole open, their heads snapped in their directions and Remus stopped pacing

"James!" he exclaimed, "Where the hell were you? Do you have any clue how fucking worried we've been?"

Silence followed after his speech. Everyone stared at him in surprise as no one could remember when Remus Lupin had last sworn

The only person that was making any kind of movement was James, who just glanced at him in mild surprise before turning his heel and making his way up the boys' staircases

Sirius was still staring at Remus before crying out

"Moony did you just swear?" in which he received a confused glare

"You got a problem Black?" the werewolf snapped indignantly. He didn't like the way James had so bluntly ignored him

Sirius raised his hands in surrender. He knew better than to push his friend's buttons. Remus Lupin was hardly ever angry and if ever he was, he rarely swore. He shook his head and made his way up the stairs to the boys dormitory, followed slowly by Remus, Peter and Lily

As they entered the dormitory they found no one there and the bathroom door closed. Sirius and Lily shared a scared look and made their way to the door quickly.

"James?" Lily called through the door as she knocked on it gently. Sirius shot her a look mixed with amusement and frustration. He shook his head and banged on the door, louder

"James! What the hell are you doing? You better not be doing anything stupid!" he yelled at the door

On the other side of the door a shaky James stared at his reflection not liking what he was seeing. His eyes were some sort bloodshot from the crying he had done a while ago, his lips were still a bit bruised by the fierce make out session he had with Lily, his cheeks that had yet to lose their flush due to the contrast of the weather and his body temperature whilst at the Astronomy Tower

A ghost of a smile appeared on his lips as he recalled what happened. Lily and him alone on the Tower. Him against her. Skin on skin. Her lips on his as she moaned his name. Her hands on his back as he traced his hands up her leg

Merlin he had it bad

He wanted to walk out that door and kiss her senseless but truth be told he was scared to death. He didn't know if she really had any feelings for him whatsoever and by doing so he would expose himself even more. Opening his heart for more pain and torment

One more time, he thought. One more, last time, just to give me strength. He took out a razor from his pocket; a razor that he took everywhere, just in case he needed some strength. He pulled up his sleeve, revealing once again the small indications of his pains and fears, and moved the blade up his forearm

"I honestly think that I'm falling for you"

Those words echoed in his mind as the blade came into close contact with his skin. His hand froze as he thought about the moment he heard them. The way Lily's eyes examined his with hidden affection, the small blush that appeared as she realized what she had said.

He shut his eyes as the words played constantly in his head. He dropped the razor on the floor and trembling, glanced at the mirror once again. Slowly he turned his back to it and slid little by little to the floor, breathing hard

"James, open the goddamn door!" Sirius' voice thundered through his thoughts.

James examined the door carefully as if realizing for the first time the commotion that was going on, on the other side of the door, and reaching subconsciously for his razor as the banging continued

"James, please open the door. Please!" Lily's voice floated through the door, pleading him, trying to reason with him

James felt an ache in his heart, a need to be near her, to kiss her again, to touch her. He rose from his place on the floor, pocketing his razor in his left pocket and reached an unstable hand to the doorknob, opening it slowly only to revealing four people

Remus and Peter stood in the background, looking alert yet apprehensive, as both Sirius and Lily had taken over the activity of breaking down the bathroom door. The moment James had opened the door, nothing moved. All five people stood immobile as they glanced at each other

James made to move through Lily and Sirius, and both parted in order for him to do so. He made his way to the middle of the room where he stood quite still, facing his bed

For the umpteenth time that night, Sirius and Lily, exchanged an anxious look, only this time so did Remus and Peter, but they all understood what he wanted to say nonetheless. Remus and Peter sat on the edge of the bed facing him, knowing that something big was to be revealed and talked about that night. Sirius merely leaned against the bedpost and folding his arms against his chest, his black hair falling over his observant eyes, which studied James

Lily was the only one that did not make a move to approach the bed. Instead, she walked to James and, with a reassuring smile; she stood beside him, ready to support him if he needed so

Silence filled the room, climaxing with anticipation, tension and worry, as James fought for what to say.

He couldn't find words to describe, to explain what he was going through. How could anyone describe their darkest fears? Their most hidden secrets? To explain the turmoil of emotions they felt? Their need to escape the harsh reality and take refuge in their own world?

He really couldn't

Defeated he looked up at Sirius, and then at Lily, both of which were looking at him with expectancy. Sirius' eyes penetrated his as he looked at him, while he could feel Lily's eyes burning holes through his temple

It sucked in a large gulp of air as he turned his attention to his hands, which he was fumbling nervously. Taking in another deep breath, he looked up at Remus and Peter, who by now were very worried

"Erm.. Pete, Rem, there's err something that I need to" he began but he stopped, trying to find a word that could express what he was trying to say, "confess" he finished

He could feel heat rising in side of him as his hands began to sweat and he found it a bit hard to breath. He took in his surroundings once more before he tried to continue.

As he watched Remus and Peter, hesitation crept within him, stopping him from continuing. Fear held on to him, refusing to let him go as he struggled to free himself of it. Finally surrendering to his feelings, he looked up to Sirius, defeated and took a step back

"I-I-I can't" he mumbled shaking his head as he ran a hand through his hair as he stepped further away from his friends

Sirius raised an eyebrow at his best friend. He walked to him and took him aside to talk to him. He cornered him and stared into his eyes.

"James what the hell are you doing?" he hissed urgently

"I can't do this Sirius. I can't" James muttered, lowering his eyes to his right hand that was placed on his left arm, which was slowly inching into his pocket

"Why?" Sirius asked

"Because.. because.. its not that easy Padfoot. I-I just can't" his voice came out desperate and broken and Sirius couldn't help but feel a bit sorry form him. His eyes soften as he searched him. He looked so alone, and so lost, his heart dropped at the sight. He never would have imagined that James Potter, his best friend, marauder, could crumble to such a state

"How were you able to tell me then, Prongs? And Lily?" he whispered softly

"That.. that was different. I mean.. Lily walked in on me, and then you.. you just caught me at a good time" he stuttered, his eyes falling on Lily. Sirius smiled slightly as he saw where he was looking at

"You mean to say that if Lily would snog you senseless right here on the spot, you would have no problem with telling Remus and Peter that you are a masochist?" he asked faintly amused at his friend's blush.

"I'm not a masochist Sirius" James began to argue. Sirius raised an eyebrow with a pointed stare. "Ok maybe I am but still.. it doesn't mean that its any easier" he grumbled. Sirius put a hand on his shoulder to show his support

"I know that mate, but you still have to try. For us. For Pete and Remus. They have a right to know. You have no idea how fucking worried they've been. We all want to help you. You even said it yourself; you need help, but in order for us to help you, you have to let us in to do so" he told him

James studied his friend carefully, wondering how he became so good at words, as he let his hand stroke the blade in his pocket. Slowly he applied a bit of pressure on his hand as he clutched the razor within his hand, feeling it cut lightly through his palm

He glanced at is friends and realized that Sirius was right; they were all looking at him anxiously and then he knew that they would be there for him. Releasing the razor, ignoring the feeling of blood running down his hand, he turned to Sirius and nodded solemnly.

"Padfoot, since when have you been good with words?" he asked jokingly, trying to lighten the mood and ignore the pain shooting through his palm

Sirius shrugged, deliberately neglecting to point out that it was since he found out that his best friend was suicidal

"So…?" he questioned instead

"Now's a good time as ever, right?" James concluded loudly as he took in another deep breath and shot his friends another look. Sirius gave a small nod in agreement, while his face lit up in his friend's decision

"Right!" he almost yelled

Sirius patted James' shoulder once again as he guided his friend back to his position, next to Lily. James gave her a weak smile whilst Sirius took her aside for a few seconds, whispering something to her as she kept glancing at James and a small blush appeared on her cheeks. She smiled in his direction and slowly nodded at something that Sirius had told her and before James knew what was happening he saw her make her way to him

She walked up to him and caught his right hand in hers and leaned over to whisper something in his ear

"I love you, James" she said as she kissed his ear softly

James stared at her in surprise. He couldn't explain the feeling that was building up in side of him as he gawked at her. He traced her eyes in order to find a trace of lying or doubt, but he found none. He fought the urge to kiss her there and then, as he knew she would disapprove, so he was content in just smiling at her

His head suddenly felt light and empty, as he became aware of the room spinning slightly, but he dismissed it as happiness. He turned to his friends with a newfound determination, which slowly began to edge away at his friends' anxious faces

He still didn't know whether or not he would be able to go ahead and tell them or how they would take it.

He felt a squeeze on his right hand and looked down to see Lily's hand still around his, encouraging him to go ahead and tell them. He stared back at his friends and too in a large gasp of breath before proceeding with what he wanted to say

"Well the thing is.. I'm- or actually I was, I think.. I mean I know I was I just don't know if I still am but I'm hoping that with your err help I could get passed it.. if it is at all possible" he mumbled

"What the hell are you trying to say Prongs?" Remus exclaimed exasperatedly. He couldn't stand to be in the dark much longer. Too many things were happening. Weird things; Sirius and Lily try to break down the bathroom door, begging James not to do anything stupid, James saying he cant do something, Lily talking to Sirius then whispering something to James to make him blush and then kiss his ear? Something was definitely happening

"I'm suicidal" he blurted all of a sudden, tightening his grip of Lily's hand and shutting his eyes to the explosion he was waiting for

Sure enough gasps from different directions along with a thump, could be heard at the same time. When James re-opened his eyes he wasn't surprised to see Peter gawking at him from the floor and Remus looked at him intently, comprehension and sadness dawning on his face

"What?!?" he breathed, praying he didn't hear right, despite the feeling he had telling him that he did hear right

"Erm I'm – or rather I was, I think, suicidal" James repeated in a loud whisper. He felt oddly relieved to have finally told them. He felt like he could now breath, somewhat

"You're kidding. Right Prongs?" Peter asked in disbelief from the floor, not bothering to get up, whilst Lily squeezed his hand for encouragement as he began to shake slightly

"Actually he's not" Sirius spoke up from the bedpost, his eyes glued on James'

All eyes in the room turned to him as he said those words. Remus and Peter stared at Sirius for a few seconds before simultaneously turning to James as if for conformation. James glanced at Lily, who gave him a reassuring smile, and taking in a deep breath he turned to his friends

"Well... Um – About four months ago.. something happened – something happened" he began hesitantly, his left hand stroking the blade in his pocket once again while his right hand clutched Lily's as a way of survival. Everyone had their eyes on him, in suspense, even Sirius, who only knew a part of it

"I found something out and I err didn't take it very well," he laughed bitterly at his own words, "understatement. I should actually rephrase. I didn't take it well at all." At his words, they all felt a cold chill go down their spine causing them to shudder, but they chose not to say anything.

"That was actually the first time that I erm – yea," he continued. He was glad to feel liberated with the thought that he was finally letting go, that he finally let people know him. But that didn't stop the pain of the memories. The pain of his past, of his life, of the truth.

His hand wrapped itself around the razor subconsciously as he allowed himself to become detached from the world, recalling the first time he had cut himself and what caused it.

"But dad!" his voice begged him. His father was evidently drunk

"Don't call me that! Don't you dare ever call me that again! I didn't want you in the first place." his father bellowed

"You don't mean that" James whimpered. His eyes were burning and he shook slightly

"Oh I don't do I?" he scowled menacingly as he moved closer to him

James stared at his father in fear and took a step away. He glanced at his mother for some kind of explanation or even help. There was none as his father began to speak again

"Don't look for answers from her. She won't give them. Let me tell you something about your beloved mother" he growled as he stepped even closer

"James?" Sirius asked his friend worriedly. James had begun shaking violently and had started to sweat horribly

James scrambled into his bedroom knocking everything over in order to find his prise possession; a long blade, given to him by his father when he was ten. When he considered him a son, an equal, a human being.

He drew it out of his sheath and did the only thing he could think of. The only way he knew would help him relieve some of the pain, the only method he had heard that was possible to escape reality

"James?!?" Lily called him.

They had moved him, and he was now seated on the bed, where they were all trying to bring him back. He was shaking even more fiercely and uncontrollably as his eyes were shut tightly. His left hand was in a fist by now, and the small blade he was holding had cut him deeper than ever before

They slowly moved him in order for him to be in a lying position, Lily never letting go of his right hand. Whilst they all appeared to share the same horror struck expression, Peter seemed the most effected, as he seemed to be on the verge of fainting

He laid the blade on the bare skin of his forearm. He held it steadily as he felt the cold metal on him. He clenched his jaw as he forced the dagger downwards to cut through his skin and he braced himself for the pain

It never came. What did come though, was a wave of relief as he took a deep breath, leaving the darkness surround him for the first time, allowing it to fill the emptiness he felt. He enjoyed the feeling cursing through him as he became more and more consumed by the gloom

He glanced down and smiled humourlessly at the sight before him. Blood glided down his arm. He suddenly felt devoid of anything as he pictured his problems and emotions glide away with the blood of his arm as well as with the tears that streak down his face

Suddenly, James sprang up form his laying position, surprising everyone around him, breathing loudly and heavily, still gripping Lily's hand, his heart racing

"James?" she asked tentatively. He tried to turn his head to her but thought better of it as he felt the room spin

Remus stepped up to him and placed his palm of his friend's burning forehead. He hastily moved his hand away, down to his wrist in order to check his pulse. He pulled James' left hand out from his pocket and gasped at the amount of blood on it, causing the others to look in his direction

Lily and Sirius breathed in sharply at the sight. Lily immediately shut her eyes as tears began to escape her, while Sirius on the other hand advanced to James as well and tried to pry his fist open with Remus

"Damn it James! I told you not to do anything stupid!" he cursed loudly, but more to himself than to anyone else. Neither Sirius nor Remus could release his grip around the blade and they were getting increasingly anxious

"James, please, let go. Please," Lily whispered pleadingly in James's ear.

This seemed to sooth him a bit as he relaxed ever so slightly, but it was enough for the two Marauders to search his palm. The small razor seemed to be stuck to his hand, as it had been driven into him due to the pressure applied to it. Without so much as a blink, Sirius ripped a large part of his light blue shirt and swiftly yet clumsily wrapped it around James' bleeding hand, whispering and muttering incoherently all the way

At the sight of the blood, Remus had frozen. He had never seen so much blood before, not even at his transformations. He shook his head slightly and pulled up his sleeve in search for a pulse. The sight of James' arm caused him to lose any colour that was left in his face as he glanced at Sirius urgently, who looked back at him with intense expectation. He hastily looked back and felt his bloody wrist

"His pulse is dropping" he whispered urgently, almost hissing

Lily shot him a glance and then turned her full attention to James who was now lying down again. Sirius moved closer to Remus

"What do you mean Moony?" he asked hoarsely, not wanting to believe what he knew it meant. Remus looked at him square in the eyes

"It means that if we don't get his temperature down, he might die" he replied grimly. He then turned his attention to Peter, who was paralysed against the wall due to the sight before him

"Pete, go get some blankets" he instructed him. Peter didn't move. Instead, he stayed looking transfixed at James, who now had his eyes shut tightly again, his temples soaked in sweat

"Peter, now!" Lily barked in fear of losing James. Peter ran to the bathroom to retrieve a towel and drench it with water

In the meantime Sirius moved to James and took of his glasses, slowly moving further down his body to undress him, to help him breath easier and for him to cool down. He undid his tie and unbuttoned his shirt. Lily couldn't help the heat of her body rise at the sight of James' chest, as she recalled what happened between them on the Tower

"Calm down buddy. Just relax," Sirius kept muttering in a soothing tone, but no one was sure whether he was talking to James or to himself

Remus watched his friend in agony and his heat fell as he came to realise the amount of pain that his friend was going through and he mentally hit himself for not noticing sooner or for stopping Sirius from getting to him. Perhaps he could have prevented this. Perhaps he could have helped his friend through this. Perhaps, just perhaps, he could have returned the favour of friendship

"Maybe we should take him to the Hospital Wing?" Lily's earnest voice broke through his thoughts. Lily was still holding his hand and feeling James' hand squeeze hers, she turned to him only to witness him shake horribly as he tried to speak

"No.. Not – not the hosp- hospital wi- ing" he stuttered through his shudders. He looked in so much pain that she didn't want to do anything to hurt him even more

"Shhh, its ok sweetie," she whispered back, stroking his hair affectionately and kissed him slightly on the lips

Remus saw the exchange and was dumbfound but he quickly shook his head. This was most definitely not the time

"Does anyone know what's happening to him?" Sirius voiced everyone's question. They all diverted their eyes in response, remaining silent. "Does anyone know what kind of symptoms these are?" he questioned hopefully again, his voice quivering

"Morte Coupe" a squeaky voice was heard from behind them, answering Sirius' question. Peter was back with the towels and now stood at the doorway with saddened eyes. Everyone's eyes was on him as he slowly took steps towards them

Thank yous

MelissaMarie I'm glad you liked it. I agree that Prongs has it bad, but as you see in this chappie, he has even worse, and thanks for liking my Sirius, this is how I actually picture him; crazy but can be serious. I actually like your talent in ending most things in -y. everybody needs a talent like that, it makes everything a bit more fun heh

Werepire bows Thank you

KissFormARose14 I'm glad when my stories promote full sentences through the reviews heh. I'm glad you liked it that much and I hope you will keep enjoying them just as much. I would love to read your story but its going to have to wait a bit. I've just finished my GCSE's and going on a three-day trip to Germany, no parents, in the wilderness, with 8 gasp 8 no computer! But then I'm back for five days, until I have to go to England fro two weeks, again with no computer! So I'm sorry if I don't manage to get around to it just yet and I'm glad something I did inspired someone to do something heh

Demon gal I know that's why I kinda decided to do one referring to James. Glad you liked it

She Devil I'm glad I managed to portray it that good, and I agree on the part were people going through these things need someone to be there for them. I hope the memories that are brought back to you aren't as bad as what James is really going through, because I'd be very sorry to hear anyone go through something that is even remotely similar. I'm pleased to hear you liked it

The all mighty and powerfulM Well here you go. Did they take it as you thought they would?

TearFromABlueRose I'm so happy that you asked me! I would love to help you but as I told KissFormARose14, that would have to wait a bit, if that's ok. And I have to admit that that was the first ever intimate scene I ever written and I thought I did such a bad job at it. Just ask my friends they were there as I wrote it. I couldn't stop laughing! Anyway, I'm glad you liked it and I'll try help as soon as I can

LisBleu Thanks, glad you liked it

Jess131346 Heh nope he didn't, but look what happened now heheh

GryffindorGoddess28 Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm so glad people actually enjoy this story! I was going to make her say that actually, but then I needed something to push James into telling Remus and Peter and that seemed so perfect. I hope you liked this chapter turned out though

Tyster Well… Tiaan I like torturing people as well, as you well know, and as I know you like long replies to your reviews, all I would like to say (or type) is you are a complete and utter thwart, despite the fact that I have missed you really, but well you already know that. See you when you get bak though, we need to get started on those stories

Lady of Masbolle THANK YOU! I've read your review whenever I feel like I'm writing crappy and I just get inspired to continue. Now if only my English teacher could read it heh

J.E.A.R.K.Potter Thanks I hope you like this chappy as well

SaMBraT Thanks I'm glad you like it heh

Iamaiceskater08 I'm hopping that the ending will remain unexpected (except the fact that James and Lily get together…or do they?) and don't worry at yelling at the screen and your family staring at you for doing it. I've done it plenty of times and believe me they gat used to it up to the part they ignore it completely heh

Living On A Nightmare You can try our puppy dog eyes trick again and I guaranty that it'll work this time go on try…you know you want to

P.S. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They were really good! But then again I guess, if you run out of ideas and inspiration… sorry to hear it all the same but glad you still sticking around for my stories :D

RPK Oh. My. God! I am sooooo sorry for not replying to your review. I wasn't on the Internet at the time and I completely passed it by! I'm sorry! Anyway, hoping you would forgive me, I'll answer now. You were wrong about who it was (as you have seen) and the story has progressed a bit since then and I hope further still that you enjoyed it until now. Another thing, Tyster and I, I assure you are not like Lily and James, as for a number of reasons we are incompatible and we are more like brother and sister (despite the fact that we hate hearing it, but it really is true)

A/N I'm so sorry for the delay! My exams finished a few weeks ago and I just wanted to focus on updating all my stories before I have to leave for three weeks. But after that I'll update them all again before I have to leave for another two weeks, but then I'm focusing on finishing the stories before I have to go to school. People I need your insight with this. I'm thinking of turning this fic or one of my others into an AU fic, as not to get Lily and James together. What you think? Tell me in a review. Anyway hope you enjoy! Mwa!!!