Unspoken Vows
I don't know why, but Fate always liked to play tricks on me.
She would hold out hope, and flaunt it right in front of my eyes, and just as I am getting ready to grasp it, she would take it away again. Then all I can do is watch helplessly as that something, which was once mine to own, slips further and further away, until I could see it no more.
Winning that final basketball game with a trademark three-pointer, so long ago in Junior High, earned me the label of "Mitsui Hisashi, MVP shooter", and people expected no less. To say that gave me no pressure would be a lie, but it also gave me hope, it allowed me to dream.
But Fate wouldn't have it so. Had it not been for my injury, had it not been for my own stubbornness and lack of will…who knows how far I could've gone?
Perhaps no one could tell how much that affected me, even my old team captain said "That two year blank did nothing to slow you down", but he was wrong. Two years is a long time to be away. Two years can take a lot out of you.
"Never give up."
Those were the words I lived by, when things got tough on the court, those words keep me going, they give me the courage and strength to reach new heights.
But as important as it is to me, basketball is not all there is to my life.
Once off the courts, those words can do nothing more. Because sometimes, letting go is the only choice. No, I don't mean the best choice; I mean the only one you have.
And as I stand here today, almost seven years since graduating from senior high, at my best friend's wedding, of which I can play no significant part of, I remember.
I had pictured it so differently, but so much has changed, do my dreams matter anymore?
His wedding, was supposed to be my wedding. He was supposed to be mine.
The groom stands by the chapel, hands crossed loosely in front of him, top to toe in the best of formalwear. He's smiling.
I love his smile. The first time I met Kogure Kiminobu, we were both still in first year senior high, signing up for the basketball team.
"Mitsui Hisashi?! You're at Shohoku too?!"
"Of course! I'm going to help this team conquer the entire country!"
And he smiled at me, a small, timid, almost nervous kind of smile.
We were so young. We had so many dreams.
During the many practice sessions we had since then, every time I made a shot, every time our team took the lead, he'd look at me and smile. Gratitude, encouragement and awe all mixed into that one expression. No one else could smile like that. I pushed myself hard for it, no one could steal my thunder, not even Akagi. I wanted to be the one who made him smile, who gave him all that hope.
But then I fell, and it took me two years to stand up again.
"Why do you make promises you can't fulfill? Why do you have to take my dreams away from me over and over again?"
He asked me that back then, and in answer, I rejoined the team and helped to take his dream further than he had dared to anticipate. And today, if I ask that of him, what would his answer be?
I shouldn't be asking for so much, he never made me any promises. He did everything a good friend could've possibly done, and more.
In one of our most glorious come-back games, against Ryonan in that final decider match back in senior high, the two year absence took its toll on me, and I couldn't finish the game with them. Later that night, as we were celebrating our biggest victory to date, Kogure came up to me, and asked with concern: "Are you all right?"
Various other people had passed the question by me that afternoon, but Kogure looked genuinely worried about me. When I told him yes, he didn't seem to be all that convinced.
"You scared the hell outta me back there" He had said "I totally blanked out"
I looked at him with a start "Really?"
He nodded, and reached out to touch me on the shoulder: "Promise you'll never push yourself that hard again? I know you have a strong will, but you have to know your limits when it comes to things like this"
I didn't even know what to say to that.
"Just be careful, alright?" He emphasized, and then, sighing, he murmured "Sometimes you break my heart…"
And I think it was at that moment, my feelings towards him took an unprecedented turn. I didn't know back then if it was for the better or the worse, but looking back now, I regret ever letting it happen.
I watch him now, taking in every single detail. This could be the last time I get to see him in a long while. After the wedding is over, he will leave on his honeymoon, and even when he gets back, he'd have a whole new family to build and take care of, friends like myself take a back seat from now on.
The music starts, and here comes the bride.
I've only met her a few times; I don't even remember her name. Some may find it strange I don't know the name of my best friend's future wife, but in truth, I just never wanted to know, denial and ignorance come hand-in-hand.
He met her in the final year of college, where she had been an interstate transfer student, they became friends quickly, but it was nothing more; in those regular reunions the Shohoku basketball team had over those years, he only mentioned her every now and then as an ordinary friend, and me, being the way I am, never noticed.
After college, I went overseas for a while, and traveled around, just trying to find myself I guess. Or maybe I was running away, I don't even know. The day I left those old friends of mine came to see me of, I was half-scared those ex-gangster pals of mine were gonna pull out that giant "Mi-chan" banner again, but when it came time to leave, that was hardly the first thing on my mind.
"I can't believe you're leaving" Kogure was the last to come say goodbye.
"Yeah, it feels pretty weird…"
"Well, we're still gonna keep in touch right?"
Something about the way he said it choked me up, and I quickly reassured "Of course! And anyway I'll be back before you know it!"
There was that smile, only this time there was a hint of sadness.
"Be careful out there okay? Take care of yourself…"
"I…I will…"And there, for the first time since I made the decision to leave, I felt like crying.
"I'm really going to miss you" He said, reaching out to me for a hug..
As I held him, I suddenly had the impulse to just drop everything and stay. So what if there's all that to see in the world? What else would I want to see? Kogure is right here at home!
But call for boarding of my flight sounded, and he pulled away. Adjusting his glasses, he smiled again: "Have a good trip"
Why oh why couldn't I have passed out or something right then? Why did Fate choose to let me leave?
As I turned away from him, I asked: "Will you wait for me?"
It was the closest thing to a confession I could get out.
For a moment I thought he didn't hear me, but then I heard his reply:
"Of course"
He didn't understand what I meant, I know that only now; but back then I thought we had an agreement, now I know vagueness can destroy.
Two years later, I returned; almost the same band of people who saw me off came to welcome me home…a lot about them have changed of course, but the important thing was they were still there for me. When I saw Kogure, he was practically in tears for excitement. And finally, I was able to hold him close to me again.
But the first thing he told me as we were leaving the airport was:
"Guess what Mitsui? I'm getting married!"
And even as I stand here on his wedding day, watching as the bride makes her way closer to the groom, I can still feel that shock I felt the second those words fell. Time cannot take away the shock and the pain that followed. My world was crushed, and yet I had no right to be angry, he owed me nothing, we never made any promises. I had no right to demand anything of him; I had no right to deprive him of what he saw as his happiness. I had no choice, the only thing I could do was let go.
And that was when I realized that, sometimes, no matter how hard you try, no matter how strong your will…sometimes, the only thing you can do is to give up.
"If you give up, it means that the game would have ended already"
That's what Anzai-Sensei said that day…it gave me all the determination I needed to win that game. But those words also state my point then, the game was over for me, I had no choice but to give up; Kogure could never be mine.
The bride is beautiful, breathtakingly stunning in fact, I can hear sighs of admiration coming from the guests. Though I don't know her very well, I've heard that she was very popular back in college, she was very outgoing and lively; a little like our old team manager Ayako, I was told. But the few times I've seen her with Kogure she seemed somewhat shy and allowed him to make any decisions or answer any questions we asked her.
She has dark blue hair, have I ever mentioned that?
"Hey, Mitsui…can I ask a favor of you?"
"Sure thing"
"Well, you know I'm getting married in a few months…"
Yes, I knew that, it hurt like hell to know that.
"…I would be honored if you'd be my best man, will you do that for me?"
I don't want to be your best man, you smiling fool, I want to your lover, would you do that for me?
"Of course I will"
I don't know why I agreed to it, just because he's my best friend? I wasn't even planning on coming. But I couldn't refuse him; really, I could never refuse him anything, even though, in an indirect way, he had refused me everything.
The music stopped, the bride was standing beside the groom, he smiled at her... I so wanted that look to be reserved for me, but I couldn't have it.
Did I ever have the chance? I've asked myself that question so many times over, but couldn't come to any conclusions. When I first started having those feelings for my spectacled friend, we were too busy concentrating on the inter-high basketball championships, and once those were over, so was high school. I stayed behind for the winter games, but you could only stay behind for so long, eventually I had to move on. Our colleges were far apart, but we kept in touch, and my feelings only grew; yet, I never said anything about it to him. Perhaps it was fear, fear of rejection…or maybe it was faith, faith that, if I gave him time, he'd be the one to make the first move; perhaps on some level I just assumed it'd be that way…
Then there was that once when I thought my chance had come back.
"Mitsui!"
I had stood in open-mouthed shock at the figure standing right outside my door, it was raining that night. Kogure was leaning one hand against the frame, drenched from head to toe.
He was smiling, but this was the first time I found a smile so frightening.
"What the…"
Before I could finish, he had fallen across the threshold into my arms, laughing as he did so.
"I'm not getting married anymore, Mitsui! The wedding's off! I'm not getting married!"
I couldn't believe what he was saying. I was surprised stiff, to be sure, but what immediately followed was a wild sense of excitement.
"You're not?"
He laughed again and shook his head "Nope! She left me, Mitsui, she dumped me!"
He was drunk, that part I could immediately tell, before I tried to ask him anything, I led him to the couch and found a clean towel for him.
"What happened?"
"She left me"
"Why?"
"I'm just not good enough! I was never good enough!" He laid his head on my chest and then I couldn't tell if he was laughing or crying.
"What are you talking about?!" How could anyone think he wasn't good enough?!
"I'm just me, remember? I'm no genius or superstar or MVP, I'm not a leader, I'm no good at anything. I'm just me!"
I felt anger rising. Who the hell did that woman think she was? How could she bring him down like that?!
"That's not true Kogure! You know how important you are to us! To me! To me you're everything I'd ever dream of asking for!"
He stopped moving for a second, and slowly raised his head to meet my eyes. Now that his glasses were off and out of the way, I rediscover just how much depth and beauty those eyes held.
"You know…" He whispered after a while "She reminds of you…"
"…?"
"She has blue hair as well, you know? Did you ever notice?" He reached up and ruffled my hair gently "I thought you were the only one"
My heart beats faster.
"Heh…" he drawled "…sorry you can't be my best man anymore…but you're still my best friend, you know that right? You know I've waited so long for you to come back…I wish you could be at my wedding…I…heh…why don't we get married Mitsui? Wouldn't you want to marry me?"
I knew he was intoxicated and raving, but for some reason it still made me hope. I was that desperate, I was that stupid.
I bent down to him, he didn't even seem to notice I'd moved. I touched his lips with the tip of my finger, and he didn't protest; I tilted his chin up as I leaned in to kiss him…
…and then he passed out.
That night, for that one night, I allowed myself to dream again, and thought that finally, Fate was tired of playing those old tricks on me. Kogure was in my arms, he had come to me in his depression, I thought this was the beginning, I thought I could hold on.
But it was like a fleeting vision. When I awoke the next morning he was already gone, leaving behind a note apologizing for intruding on me. He had no recollection of what he said, he rarely drinks, and his tolerance is hopeless, he couldn't remember anything. She came back to him, realizing not-too-late what she had given up, a realization I wished I had made many, many years ago.
Did he ever love me? That is something I'll never know. Often I wonder if it was my absence that changed everything, perhaps he once did, but because I wasn't there the feelings just faded…the way our friendship grew, it wasn't impossible…maybe I was too confident, maybe I made too many assumptions…
It doesn't matter; it's too late now…I never asked him, because I know neither answer would've made me feel any better.
"May we have the rings please?"
The minister's voice broke my trance, and hastily I fumbled my pocket for that golden band Kogure had given to me for safekeeping a few weeks back.
"Here it is!" He had said proudly as he opened the tiny box to show me "I know it's nothing fancy, but still, my heart is in it"
I stared at it, and momentarily allowed myself to imagine that he was proposing.
"Will you…"
Will you marry me?
"…mind it for me? After all it is your duty!"
I took it from him, and closed the lid.
"Yes, I will".
And now I'm handing it back to him, handing it back so he could give it to somebody else, and once he does, he'll be out of reach forever.
As I look at his outstretched left hand, with his palm open, waiting for me, I felt that dull pang go off again in my chest. If only this ring belonged to us, if only I was reaching out to place this ring on his finger instead of placing it in his palm…
If only…if only…if only…
He met my eyes for a second, and mouthed "Thank you".
I smiled, and he turned back to his bride. As he did so, I mouthed back:
"I love you".
The rings…the vows…
"I now pronounce you husband and wife…"
The dull aching in my heart intensified.
"You may now kiss the bride"
Everyone in the church watched them for this moment that they had been waiting, but I couldn't bring myself to look.
The music began again, the two of them walked back down the aisle hand in hand, he didn't look back.
Could that have been me?
Could things have been different?
I forced my lips to smile, but I couldn't stop the aching. As the one person I've truly loved and treasured walked further away from me, my vision became blurred by tears which had been held back for way too long.
I closed my eyes, but that didn't barricade them, and I felt my cheeks become wet.
It was over now. I hadn't completely accepted it until this very moment. They say that it's not over until it's over, and now, it was. Anzai-Sensei told me not to give up until the end, and the end had come.
Too many things to blame myself for, so much time that I had lost. So many questions that will never be answered, so many paths not chosen. All those feelings, forever hidden, all those words, never spoken.
I don't know why, but Fate always liked to play tricks on me.
Why did I ever have to meet him? If I never knew him, I would never have the chance to fall in love with him. Why bother to give me hope? Why did he have to be so wonderful?
I don't want to give up, I'm Mitsui Hisashi, remember? The man who never gives up!
But I've grown up, and I understand now. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, your choices are made for you, and the only thing you can do is to accept them, and let go.
That's what I'm doing now, I'm letting go. At least I'm letting go as well as I know how. I genuinely pray had he finds happiness, be it with me or not. I have no alternatives; this is where I say farewell.
I thought you felt the same way.
I thought you understood.
I thought we could be more than friends…
But now I realize, I'm only a sentimental fool.
Everything changes with time…who can predict what the future holds? Try as I do there's still that little part of me that wouldn't let go. The days will turn to weeks, and those weeks into seasons, maybe someday Fate will smile upon me again, and show me not all hope was in vain. Only now, what more could I do, but smile and whisper in my heart.
Goodbye…I will always love you.
A/N: Please don't ask me what the heck that was about…I rarely write wedding fics, but…*holds head in hands*…I don't know…
Even thought Rukawa will be forever my favorite character, everything about Mitsui breaks my heart. Hope someone understands.
As for the meaning of this title…well, you know, Mitsui and Kogure's wedding vows…something along that line, don't ask, I'm tired enough to kneel over right now…Goodnight.