I finally revised it. I had to fic the errors with the whole "…" things. So here's the revised chapter one. 

- - - - -

"Oh look…a coconut."

Joren of Stone Mountain looked at the apple. "Are you okay?"

"Why, yes, I am," said Keladry of Mindelan.

Perturbed, he glanced at her. "I knew this duel was a bad idea."

"Did you say something?" she asked.

Slowly he began to edge away. "I think I should go get Neal. Seriously, Mindelan, are you okay?"

Kel glanced at him crazily and he could feel his eye twitch. "No…I guess not. Mithros, I didn't hit you that hard!"

"My, you're a real cutie," she said brightly. "Want to come to my room tonight? We can have a lot of fun."

"Scratch that," Joren muttered. He turned around and began to amble toward the path. He hadn't gone a foot when Kel tackled him.

"What the…Mindelan! Get off me!"

"Don't leave me," she whimpered. "I'm scared of the dark!"

"Uh…Mindelan? We're in broad daylight."

Kel blinked. "Huh? Oh. We are, aren't we? Thank you for pointing that out for me."

"You're welcome. I think. Gods, what have I done?"

"Nothing to be ashamed of, I'm sure," she said reasonably.

"For Mithros' Sake, Mindelan, you don't even know what I'm talking about," he snapped irritably, unclamping her arms from around his waist and sitting up.

"I don't? Well, that explains a lot. Why do you keep calling me Mindelan?"

"Because that's your name, stupid," Joren shouted.

"Is Stupid my name also?" she wondered. "Is my name Mindelan of Stupid?"

"Yes, okay? You're name is Mindelan of Stupid."

"It can't be, though," she protested.

"Why the hell not?" Joren shrieked.

"Because my name is Nealan of Hollyrose."

"…Nealan…of…Hollyrose?"

"Yep," she said proudly. "My husband's name is Merric. Do you know him?"

"…Husband…Merric?"

"Uh-huh. I have a brother. His name is Joren of Runnerspring. Hey! You two have the same name. My brother's gay, though. That's why he married Owen of Runnerspring."

"I am not gay!"

"Well of course not silly. I never said you were. You're too cute to be gay."

"And, uh, Mindelan? Owen is of Jesslaw."

Kel shook her head. "No, Owen is of Runnerspring. Roald is of Jesslaw. And my name is Neal!"

"Then who's the prince?"

She looked at him, surprised. "Why, Raoul of Cavall. Where have you been?"

"Does he have a wife?"

"Yes, actually. Her name is Alanna. Alanna has a twin named Wyldon. Wyldon has a whole bunch of lovers, women and men alike. Did you know Jonathan of Goldenlake and Daine of Hollyrose-that's my husband Merric's little sister- have both been in his bed several times?"

Joren's ribs ached from suppressed laughter. Screw Neal, he thought. This is just too good.

"What fief did Alanna belong to?" he asked.

"Stone Mountain, I believe. She was Lord Burchard's sister up until Raoul wooed her away."

Oh...my gods.

"What fief do you belong to?" Kel asked him.

"Um." I'll just think of something. Whatever I say will probably make sense to her if not to anybody else. "I belong to Fief Conte. Joren of Conte. I am the king."

Kel's eyes widened and she bowed low. "Sire! And to think I've been thinking all these naughty thoughts about you."

Curiosity got the better of Joren. "What kind of thoughts?"

"Oh, you throwing me down on the grass over there and doing very un-kingly things to me."

Okay, he thought. Time to get her back to the palace.

"Come on, Min…Neal. We'll take you back to the palace."

"Goody."

"You do know you're a squire, right?"

"Of course."

"And a girl."

"I know."

"And that Alanna of Cavall is a knight also."

"Uh-huh."

"And she's a girl."

"Yes. Her twin Wyldon was a girl also. But then he got Lady Numair of Queenscove to change him."

"Lady who of what?!"

"Lady Numair of Queenscove. My cousin. She's very nice. She's Faleron's wife. She was of Jesslaw, but then she married."

"Um…okay."

This was getting scary, and incredibly ridiculous. It was still funny though. Joren shook his head, a smile gracing his lips as he glanced at Kel. She was brightly observing the woods, her hazel eyes taking in the scenery. She looked so innocent and cute like that.

Whoa Bessie. Where did that come from? He risked another glance at her. Though it was true…During her years as a page she had been a tall, heavy, boyish-looking girl. After a year of being a squire, she had come back at fifteen as a very mature girl. Not exactly pretty…but appealing and, at times, cute. Her hair was brown and had not been cut in a while, so it just barely reached her shoulders. Those hazel eyes had more green in them than he remembered, and her curling lashes were longer, impossibly so. She was still tall, but she had slimmed some, making her figure more…prominent. He had been shocked when she walked in with her knight-master that day.

"There's the palace," he murmured, more to himself than his lady companion.

"It's very nice," Kel said. "Do you have a wife, or a lover?"

Startled, Joren looked at her. "I don't have a wife. But I have a number of lovers."

She twisted a brown tendril around her finger coquettishly. "Can I be one of them?" she asked slyly.

He choked. "Pardon?" he gasped. "Did you just say you wanted to be my lover?"

"Yes."

If it had been any other woman, in any other condition he probably would have agreed. But this was Kel, his enemy, and there was still a bit of his mind that said it wouldn't be right to take advantage of her when she was like this.

"Well, uh…I'd have to think about it."

"Think away."

Joren shook his head and pulled on her arm to speed up her slow pace.

- - - - -

Kel followed him to the door that would take them to where the squires ate. He felt nervous, because this was basically his fault. If he hadn't been such a sore loser and hit the back of her head with the flat of the sword, she wouldn't have woken up in such a confused state of mind. Gathering his courage, Joren pushed the door open and stepped in, holding her hand tightly. He found that if he let her out of his sight she would run off after people she thought-in her estranged mind-were different people.

Silence reigned when they stepped through. Joren figured it had something to do with the fact that he was holding her hand.

"Look," Kel whispered in his ear, pointing at King Jonathan of Conte. "That's Jonathan of Goldenlake." She frowned. "Why aren't they bowing? Aren't they respectful of your status?"

"Um…just keep quiet. Please."

"Okay."

"Si-Jonathan," he began, uncomfortably aware of the grumble that went around the room. "I need to talk to you in private."

"Why," the king asked, "did you call me by my first name?"

"Because he's the king," Kel prompted.

"Shut up," Joren hissed, pinching her arm.

"Ow," she moaned. "That hurt."

"What's going on?" Queen Thayet asked.

"Why should she want to know?" Kel asked Joren in a whisper. "She's just a servant."

Hoo boy.

"It's a long story, and I'll tell it to you in private once I-"

"I think you better explain right here," Lord Wyldon of Cavall said coldly. Remembering what Kel had said earlier about him, Joren coughed to cover his snort of laughter.

"Mindelan and I were dueling in that wood over there. I, uh, hit her in the back of the head with the flat of my sword. She kind of…fainted, and when she woke up, her version of Tortall was very disoriented.

"For example?"

"Well…she seems to think her name is Nealan of Hollyrose. Her husband is Merric, or it was. She thinks I am King Joren of Conte. She thinks that Jonathan of Goldenlake and Daine of Runnerspring are Wyldon of Stone Mountain's lovers."

There were a couple of snickers.

"Lord Wyldon is Lady Alanna's twin-"

"Say what?!"

Baron George Cooper of Pirate's Swoop shushed his wife.

"Lord Wyldon was a woman but he asked Lady Numair of Queenscove, Squire Faleron's wife, to change him into a man."

This time the whole room broke into laughter.

"Lady Alanna is Raoul of Cavall's wife. She was of Stone Mountain. Her brother is Joren of Runnerspring and he is married to Owen of Runnerspring. Shut up. Stop laughing! I am not gay! Prince Roald is of Jesslaw."

Roald squeaked.

"Raoul of Cavall happens to be the prince of Tortall, and so Lady Alanna is princess."

Not a single word was spoken.

"How hard did you hit her?" Raoul of Goldenlake, Kel's knight-master, said sweetly.

"I didn't think I hit her that hard," Joren replied, annoyed.

"Bull," the real Nealan of the real Queenscove shouted. He was Kel's best friend. "You meant to."

"I did not," he yelled back.

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did too."

"Did not."

"I know I didn't."

"…"

"Guys, just shut up," Lady Alanna of Olau and Pirate's Swoop, otherwise known as the Lioness, said. "We'll straighten this out. Stone Mountain, take her to her rooms and then go to yours so we can-"

"Sadly, I can't do that," he said glumly.

"Dammit, why not?"

"At first she wanted us to be lovers. Then she got the idea from gods-know- what that we were already lovers. From there she just figured she was my betrothed, never mind the fact she was married to Hollyrose."

"What does that have to do with anything? Though it is an eerie turn-on."

"She pitches a fit if I leave her for more than five seconds."

"What do you mean?"

"She wandered off the path when we were coming out of the wood and started screaming her bloody head off when she couldn't find me. It took me ten minutes to assure her I was there. And then five more to convince her I was the real king and not an imposter."

"Are you suggesting you sleep in the same room?"

"Hell no," Cleon of Kennan snarled, jumping up. "You just want to paw her and-"

"Ew, Kennan, that's disgusting."

"What's wrong with Kel?" Owen of Jesslaw shouted.

"A lot of things, but I'll just say she's not my type."

Joren glanced behind him to see what she was doing. He hoped she wasn't listening. Apparently she wasn't. Actually, Kel was looking around in an interested manner. She caught his eye and smiled. He smiled back stiffly.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean, she's not your type?" Neal barked.

"Just shut up," Wyldon roared. Joren suspected he was a little irritated by what Kel thought he was. "Stone Mountain, share a room with Mindelan if it means that much to you! Everybody else, be silent!"

"Who lit the fuse on your tampon?" the Lioness muttered.

"Lioness, do us all a favor and shut up."

The air around Alanna crackled briefly as it turned purple. Then she regained control, relaxed, and instead glared at him fiercely with her famous violet eyes. Her husband stroked her red curls gratefully and then fixed his attention back on Joren and Kel.

"If I may-"

"You may not," Wyldon interrupted the Lioness.

"Fine then." She stood up. George followed suit when he saw her glare. "But when Jonathan and Daine find new lovers don't come crying to me."

Joren snickered, as did others when she left leaving a purple-faced training master in her wake. He turned to Kel and nudged her.

"Come on, wife. We need to get to bed."