ANGEL: I don't know. I'm not very familiar with royal protocol. We could just lay down our arms.

SPIKE: Okay then. Let's try that out.

Spike and Angel turn to face their respective forces. They pull out their swords and stab them into to the earth. Then they remove their crowns and hang them from the hilts. Angel also takes off his ceremonial armor. More mumbling from the tens of thousands of warriors. Angel and Spike walk to the north, between their lines, headed towards the hills beyond Spike's left and Angel's right wing. That's where they'll work everything out. As they walk, the soldiers on both sides realize there will be no fighting today. Slowly they start to break formation and prepare to return to camp.

ANGEL: Looks like it's working.

SPIKE: You know I would have beaten you.

ANGEL: Please. With your insta-phalanx? They've never even fought before.

SPIKE: Which means they have no fear. And they hate your guys. Who I'm sure are a little put off by my innovations. They'd never fought what I was throwing at them.

ANGEL: They'd be tentative at first. But they'd adjust, hold their ground and eventually break up your formation.

SPIKE: Your best case scenario. But even then, my line would hold yours back long enough for me to deploy my reserves.

ANGEL: My second line would have swallowed up your squares.

SPIKE: Not if they were hit in the flanks. You think your rookies could stand up to my Amazon-slaying girls? They'd break in a second. My girls would roll them up, then attack your hoplites in the rear.

ANGEL: Your best case scenario. But you're still forgetting about the cavalry.

SPIKE: My mercenaries would trample your spoiled brats.

ANGEL: Honestly, the fight on that wing could go either way. But those mercenaries are your best soldiers. Besides, it's the other wing where you'd have your problems.

SPIKE: My slingers can outdistance your Amazons and their arrows.

ANGEL: There would be casualties, but soon enough they'd ride them down.

SPIKE: My slingers would retreat to higher ground. You're forgetting about terrain. My left flank is a hill with hundreds of archers at the top. That's pretty bloody hard for those women to take. Especially with my cavalry assaulting THEIR left flank.

ANGEL: I have the allied heavy cavalry backing them up. The Amazons weaken your forces, then the heavy cavalry breaks their lines.

SPIKE: That means you didn't notice the cavalry I had hidden behind the hill.

ANGEL: The ones from Dorin? I knew they were somewhere on that wing.

SPIKE: Once you'd committed all your horse, and they were tired and wounded, my reserves would come out of nowhere and clobber them.

ANGEL: Why would I commit all my horse on that wing? I'd always hold one or two of the Amazon tribes in reserve.

SPIKE: But your allied cavalry has no faith in them. They've never fought together. Once your allies retreat, they're not coming back. Then you have a huge gap between your right wing and your center.

ANGEL: You're assuming my plan was to win the battle with my right wing.

SPIKE: That's where your greatest strength was.

ANGEL: I was going to win with my hoplites. The heavy cavalry would cover their flanks while the Amazons harassed your left wing. And if they were hurt bad enough and couldn't take it anymore, they'd attack and find my allies in front of them and the Amazons on their outer flank.

SPIKE: Once again, you forget that my cavalry was protected by slingers and archers. And that my phalanx was supported by fearsome, bloodthirsty warriors while yours was backed up by peasants who've never even used a spear.

ANGEL: You say that like you're proud of turning those girls into killers.

SPIKE: I taught those girls how to stand up for themselves. I empowered them.

ANGEL: chuckles I forgot. You're the champion of homicidal feminism.

SPIKE: This from the bloke who makes common cause with the Amazons.

ANGEL: I've been trying to convince them to turn away from violence.

SPIKE: And I'd be singing "What's So Funny Bout Peace, Love and Understanding?" too if my people's neighbors stopped attacking them. Except you probably don't even know that song.

Memnon throws aside his spear and sword and charges out from the lines, travelling diagonally to the east and north, towards Antiope. Angel and Spike turn around and see this. By now they are at the north end of the lines.

MEMNON: Antiope! Antiope!

ANGEL: What's his problem? Doesn't your guy know the fight is over?

SPIKE: "As I walk through, this wicked world, searching for light in the darkness of insanity. I ask myself, is all hope lost? Is there only pain, and hatred, and misery?"

Angel looks at Spike. He realizes the difference between Spike and Dru was that Dru made more sense.

MEMNON: Antiope!

CALLIOPE: Is that Memnon?

MARPE: What does he want?

ANTIOPE: Me.

Antiope gallops towards him, with all her weapons.

ASTERIA: She's gonna kill him!

EURYBIA: It's about time.

Everyone watches as the two of them race across the field of battle. When she is within 100 yards, Antiope puts an arrow on her bowstring and pulls it back. The vast majority of Amazons smile. They can't wait. Memnon holds his hands out to the side, showing that he carries no weapons. Antiope hesitates. When she is within fifty yards, she fires her arrow into the ground and tosses her bow aside. The Amazons look disappointed. Then she grabs her spear in her right hand. They breath a sigh a relief and look happy again. Memnon keeps riding towards her. He's putting Spike's advice to the test.

SPIKE: "And each time I feel like losing sight, there's one thing I wanna know"

Antiope tenses her arm and prepares to stab Memnon. Twenty yards away. Ten yards away. He shows no signs of letting up, or defending himself. Five yards away. Memnon holds his right hand out. Antiope stabs for him. He doesn't flinch. Her spear goes a few inches to the left of his neck. She drops it to the ground and puts her right arm around him. He caresses her face with his right hand and gazes at her, his eyes full of passion and desperation. Antiope pulls his head towards her and kisses him. The jaws of thousands of Amazons drop to the floor. Spike raises his fists into the air.

SPIKE: Yes! Memnon, you bloody fool. You did it. You really did it!

ANGEL: That's Memnon?

SPIKE: My mercenary commander. And that lucky lady must be Antiope.

ANGEL: Why is she kissing that vile, evil killer?

SPIKE: He's no more of a killer than she is.

ANGEL: He killed her friends.

SPIKE: And she killed his friends. I thought you believed in forgiveness.

ANGEL: Antiope likes me. She has a crush on me.

SPIKE: You're getting lot of practice at being jealous.

ANGEL: Oh no. It must have been something I said last night. I had no idea it was HIM.

SPIKE: You want to know why I went to war? This is why I went to war.

ANGEL: You put thousands of lives at risk, you plunged an entire dimension to the brink of disaster, so some guy could get some girl to kiss him?

SPIKE: What can I say? I'm a sucker for love.

ANGEL: Did it ever occur to you that there had to be an easier way?

SPIKE: No. Because unlike you I'm not fighting for the forces of dull.

MARPE: Why is she kissing him? Why didn't she kill him?

ASTERIA: Maybe she's stringing him along. I've heard it's fun to build men up before you dash their hopes.

PHOEBE: Maybe she likes him.

EURYBIA: She's always hated him.

SKYLEIA: That was before Angel.

MARPE: Memnon is Angel's enemy!

SKYLEIA: That's not what I meant. Angel taught us that men don't have to be our enemies. Some of them can be our pets.

PHOEBE: pouts I wanna get myself a pet.

Lovers Marpe and Asteria look at each other and roll their eyes at the comments of straight girls Phoebe and Skyleia.

MEMNON: I love you, Antiope.

She kisses him again.

MEMNON: Wait. You were supposed to say you loved me.

ANTIOPE: But I don't.

She goes to kiss him. He pulls back.

MEMNON: Then what are you doing?

ANTIOPE: I'm giving you a chance to make me love you. That's what you wanted, right?

MEMNON: smiles. his heart races More than anything.

They kiss some more. Memnon's men are positively giddy.

LYCON: Does this mean we can be with them? For more than just one night?

BASIAS: Spike really has changed everything.

Feelings are a lot more mixed on the other side. Some of the Amazons think Antiope is sinning against nature. Others just think she's just being unseemly.

ERINA: How can she kiss a guy like that in front of all these people?

GINGONA: Having a private moment in front of the whole world – it's just not natural.

SPIKE: Looks like my work is done. Time to head home.

ANGEL: Uh, Spike. We still have to make peace between these two nations.

SPIKE: Right. Let's do that. How hard could it be?

Angel walks out of his bedroom.

FRED: You're back!

Fred rushes up and hugs him. Lorne and Gunn rush up. Of course they don't hug him. A few minutes later, Willow hangs up the phone. Everyone looks at her.

WILLOW: Angel's back. He's fine. Spike's fine.

BUFFY: So he should be home soon.

Everyone rushes downstairs.

GILES: What about the world they irrevocably altered? Are those people fine?

ANDREW: Do we have a Prime Directive when it comes to other dimensions?

ANYA: Obviously not. Angel already messed up one dimension.

GILES: He liberated humanity from Pylean slavery.

ANYA: And what do you think happened after that? Vengeance. Massacres. Reprisals. That's what happened.

GILES: You don't know that.

ANYA: Bet you a thousand dollars I'm right.

XANDER: Where would he get a thousands dollars?

DAWN: And how would you found out who's right?

ANDREW: One of us could go there and see.

ANYA: It's too risky. Whoever went could get killed. Or enslaved by demons.

KENNEDY: Andrew could go. everyone gives her dirty looks Like you weren't all thinking the exact same thing.

They sit down and wait in the dining room. The Potentials are asleep in the living room. The light over the dining room table is on. A few minutes later, Spike walks through the front door. He sees them sitting there.

SPIKE: Went out for a drink. Did I miss anything? silence I'm going to bed.

ANYA: Where's your coat?

SPIKE: Don't think I wore it.

ANYA: You didn't leave it in an Amazon Dimension?

Spike bursts out laughing. Soon enough, he notices that everyone looks serious. They must know. He stops laughing, puts his hands on his hips and looks at the ceiling.

SPIKE: Bugger all.

He tries to look at Buffy, but can't. He's too embarrassed. Spike just marches into the kitchen and goes down into the basement. They follow him. He sits on his cot and lights up a cigarette.

SPIKE: I missed these.

They stand in front of him.

ANYA: Tell us how it ended.

In Los Angeles, Angel sits in his office with Gunn, Fred and Lorne.

ANGEL: It was a good thing I came when I did.

SPIKE: I'm glad Angel showed up.

ANGEL: Spike was just breeding war and chaos.

SPIKE: I made life better for my people. And most of their neighbors.

ANGEL: Everywhere he went, he made bitter enemies.

SPIKE: But some people have to be different just for the bloody hell of it. They won't be sheep, even if the shepherd's leading them to better pastures.

ANGEL: Spike enriched his people by preying on their neighbors.

SPIKE: For those people, there was Angel.

ANGEL: He was going to invade and dismember a country just because they wouldn't submit to his will.

SPIKE: He did for them what I had already done for everyone else. Freeing slaves, emancipating women, liberating serfs: basically making everyone free. In a way, Angel completed my work.

ANGEL: Spike gave his people license. I gave mine freedom. Eventually, Spike's people saw the difference, and chose my way.

SPIKE: The Thermadonians had always been the underdogs. The Amastrians had always been the bullies. I taught my people to stand up for themselves. Suddenly, they weren't letting their neighbors push them around. Angel's people couldn't stand it. They would never accept the Thermadonians as equals.

ANGEL: Spike turned them into maniacs. They lashed out in all directions. Subjugating, intimidating, stealing. Making their neighbors bow to their will. But the Amastrians wouldn't bow. Even when they were alone. They refused to be terrorized by Spike's mobs. So he invaded them in an act of naked aggression.

SPIKE: Angel began building an army. I had no choice but to do the same to defend my people. I knew that before I left, I had to show the Amastrians that they couldn't push around their humbler neighbors to the south. Cuz if I didn't, once I left, they would attack the Thermadonians. Try to "put them back in their place."

ANGEL: He was bold. And his army was enormous. But I outmaneuvered Spike. Soon he realized this wasn't going to be another one of his easy victories. For the first time, his enemies were standing up to him.

SPIKE: Angel had the larger army. Since his people were richer, they also had better weapons. But my people wouldn't be intimidated. They held their ground. The Amastrians would have to fight to get what they wanted.

ANGEL: They was no way I was going to send all those men and women into battle. Spike tried to use that against me. I could never be sure if he was serious about fighting. All I could do was make him see that it would not be easy.

SPIKE: The Amastrians had always beaten the Thermadonians. But now, for the first time, they were afraid. The tables had turned.

ANGEL: From the start, I wanted to negotiate. But Spike refused. He wanted nothing less than total victory. Finally, he realized that wasn't going to happen. Not as long as I was around.

SPIKE: Angel had no choice but to negotiate. He always wanted that. His people saw there was no other way. They would finally have to recognize the dignity of the Thermadonians and treat them as equals.

ANGEL: Negotiations weren't easy. Not after everything Spike had done to make these people hate each other.

SPIKE: Angel had made things personal. He put out vicious propaganda to turn the people against me, spreading The Gospel of Angel Superiority. This only fed Amastrian jingoism. I'm sure that wasn't Angel's intention. He had to pump himself up to establish authority. He didn't know how elitist his people were, and how they would twist his words to demonize the Thermadonians. With all the vitriol that was thrown around, it's amazing how easy the negotiations went.

ANGEL: The key was to create similar constitutions and similar legal codes. That seemed to me the best way to prevent conflict.

SPIKE: Like I said before, Angel more-or-less gave the Amastrians the same laws I had given the Thermadonians. So there was no reason these two peoples should have been fighting.

ANGEL: Hammering out all the details took time. Spike wasn't interested in that kind of thing. So I had to do all the dirty work. Which was what I expected.

SPIKE: It was simple. One side loved me. The other loved Angel and hated me. But they both loved Buffy. Once everyone realized that, fighting a war seemed bloody absurd. Angel wanted to set up some stupid League of Nations thing where different peoples could come together and, I don't know, have group hugs and all that other touchy-feely hippie crap. I said we didn't need to treat them like children. They just needed something to bind them together, so they would respect their neighbors and treat them as equals. Like I said. Bloody simple.

ANGEL: I hated letting them think I was a god. But Spike left me no choice.

GILES: Peace between bitter, longtime enemies is never simple. What makes you think they haven't already begun to resume hostilities?

SPIKE: You're right Rupert. It's impossible for one man to bring about peace and justice overnight. But not very hard for a god. That's why I went along with the pretense.

GILES: sarcastically It was only for their own good?

SPIKE: Of course. Why else would I do it? The pressure's unbearable. They expected perfection every second of every day.

XANDER: Twenty two days. And they never doubted you. The standards for perfection in that world must be pretty low.

ANGEL: I don't want to talk about the religious aspect. It was weird enough to go through.

LORNE: What do they think I look like?

ANGEL: They think you look like you look.

GUNN: Do they think I'm a sidekick?

ANGEL: No. I don't even think that word's in their vocabulary.

FRED: Are we worshipped? Willow and Anya said everyone in Sunnydale's worshipped.

ANGEL: You're honored. They think very highly of all of you.

LORNE: Anya said they characterized each of us by a particular trait.

GUNN: Perfect. I'm the muscle. In two – make that three – dimensions.

ANGEL: No you're not. My people –

FRED: You're people?

ANGEL: The people who lived in the country that chose me to be their ruler didn't generalize or oversimplify like that. To them, we're all complex, gifted, brave individuals.

LORNE: I'm brave? Boy, I love propaganda.

ANGEL: But they also see us as a unit. They believe that if any one person left, the rest of us would be helpless and doomed.

FRED: Really?

LORNE: Even me? Come to think of it, your life did suck royally while I was out of town.

ANGEL: To them, we're like a phalanx. If one of us steps out of line, the whole formation collapses. You have to understand, the analogies they can draw from are very limited.

SPIKE: You told your Amazons a lot about Angel, didn't you Willow?

WILLOW: Uh, um, I told them a lot about Buffy, so he mighta came up once or twice.

SPIKE: Bollocks, Red. They were worshipping Angel before they even met him. You made him out to be some sort of bloody saint. Though you don't seem to have said one kind word about me.

WILLOW: Well, see, the thing is, you've been good for a lot less longer, and, you know –

KENNEDY: What's the matter Spike? Jealous?

Spike laughs.

SPIKE: Of what? Not winning your girlfriend's affections? I only bring it up because Willow's words had consequences. The Amazons who heard your stories became Angel's most fanatical supporters, desperate to glorify him by vanquishing the Thermadonians and "putting me in my place." The Amastrians were willing to negotiate. The tribes who fell under your spell –

ANDREW: I thought one of the tribes was with you. What about the Queen who wanted you to sire her offspring?

Everyone else winces, including Spike. Andrew inadvertently makes it sound like Panthesilea wanted him to vamp her children. Also, Spike doesn't want to discuss Penny around Buffy.

SPIKE: Her tribe treated me fairly. The other two were hell-bent on war, convinced that Angel was destined to prevail cuz you convinced them he was better than me. Your Angel bias became a threat to world peace.

XANDER: How many times have I said that?

SPIKE: Good thing I was able to melt one their hearts. Actually, Memnon, my general, did the melting. A certain Princess he loved named Antiope.

KENNEDY: But he's evil! How could she?

WILLOW: There was no one she detested more in the entire world.

SPIKE: You knew this bird?

KENNEDY: We spent a week with her.

SPIKE: laughs Really. I hadn't a bloody clue.

GILES: Won't argue with that. Spike and Buffy glare at him

WILLOW: Memnon was a blood-thirsty, woman-hating misogynist.

DAWN: Aren't those last two redundant?

SPIKE: He was a warrior. Just like them.

WILLOW: I saw him kill Asteria in cold blood. I mean, mortally wound Asteria. Luckily I was there to save her.

SPIKE: She wasn't also trying to kill him?

WILLOW: Okay. Maybe. Yes. But only in self-defense.

ANYA: I've had it with your grossly hypocritical double standards. You're turning a brave female warrior into a victim. I think your Amazon would find that patronizing.

GILES: Fine. We'll assume they were equally bloodthirsty.

KENNEDY: They can't be. Asteria is good.

SPIKE: So's Memnon.

KENNEDY: That's impossible. They can't try to kill each other and both be good.

ANDREW: Can we please stop imposing our Hellmouth values onto non-Hellmouth cultures?

SPIKE: Mems wanted to work side-by-side with the Amazons. But they were stubborn and pigheaded. He was an open-minded bloke in a world filled with narrow-minded sexists. And when the sexists refused to talk to him, he killed them. I'm not saying the guy's perfect. He has a nasty habit of trying to solver every problem with violence. But he loved Antiope. And now she loves him.

Willow and Kennedy appear very disappointed in their Amazon friend.

WILLOW: You mean she's sleeping with him?

SPIKE: By now, probably. Last I saw they were kissing each other in the middle of the battlefield. Right in front of the two armies. Lovely scene, really.

GILES: Try callow. Make love, not war? Come on.

ANYA: Why can't they do both? They will do both. You raise a couple armies, and then convince them not to fight each other. So they'll fight someone else. What did you think they'd do, join hands and sing kum-bay-yah? They'll conquer until they hit the wall, then they'll implode and fight each other. It's the way of the world. Our world. Their world. Any world. Nothing real can end with "And they lived happily ever after." And where is your coat?

SPIKE: The locals wanted to keep it. Souvenir. By the way, anything happen while I was gone?

ANYA: Giles went on a date, and the Potentials had boys over.

Spike laughs. He notices no one else is.

SPIKE: You're serious. Rupert has a girlfriend? Did I return to the right dimension?

FRED: By the way, Angel, were you wearing those jeans before?

ANGEL: looks down. he had forgotten No.

LORNE: So after you returned, you took time to change before telling us you were back?

ANGEL: No. They wanted to keep my leather pants.

FRED: They wanted your pants? Why? appears queasy I wish ah hadn't asked that.

ANGEL: They didn't have smooth, shiny clothes like that in their world.

FRED: Oh. looks relieved. then looks confused But your coat's the same way? Why didn't they take that instead?

Along with everyone else – Fred included – Angel wants to change the subject.

ANGEL: Where's Connor?

LORNE: Out like a light.

ANGEL: Has he been asleep this whole time?

FRED: Sure has. He was tired after, you know.

ANGEL: So my son knows nothing about my little trip abroad. That's a relief.

FRED: Yeah. He'd probably be freaked out by the whole god-king thing. Is he also worshipped?

SPIKE: If you don't mind, you all can sod off now. I need to rest. You have no idea how exhausting it is to have millions of people depending on you to reorder their world, make their lives better. All that responsibility weighing down on my shoulders. What a relief it's over. I think I'm gonna sleep for the next week. Wake me if the First tries to destroy the world.

ANGEL: What time is it?

LORNE: Half-an-hour to closing time. One-thirty to the rest of you.

ANGEL: It's been a long day.