{Okaaaaay. It's been a reeeeeeeally long time since I last updated, yeah? As usual.... ::sigh:: Sorryyyyyy. Well, at least I AM updating, eh? :) This chapter is VERY strange, and I think I may have rushed it a little. --; However, I DO like the overall effect anyway. :D

Quick announcement. I had some problems with and the time setting, so I changed And you'll only know who they are if you've read Volume 9 or seen episode I-can't-quite-remember. In any case, if you don't know who I'm talking about when you start reading, go here for some info and find their name on the NOT MY SITE. It's a VERY VERY COOL ONE I found at some point, and it's been really helpful to me. :)

By the way: THE CHAPTER TITLE IS A METAPHOR. Yeah.

And TO AVOID SOME CONFUSION: Even when Ranma is a she, I refer to him as a he, as he is still a guy at heart. :p I know you might think this'll be extremely confusing, but believe me, you'll remember when Ranma is female the WHOLE TIME while you're reading my story...

And now, FINALLY, chapter 5...

...after the disclaimer, which is this: I DON'T OWN RANMA 1/2 AND I MAKE NO PROFIT WHATSOEVER OFF OF THIS STUPID FANFIC.}

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LAST ON IWRFOWWW:
At that moment, the door was shoved open. Ranma's eyes widened, and he sprawled to the side, shocked and feeling very muddled. A barrage of thoughts started pounding through his head again. Loudly. Nevertheless, he sat up slowly and peered around the door.

Aw, nuts.

It was -her-.

Chapter 5: In Which Ranma Is Attacked By A Rampaging Mushroom

....or, rather, HIM.

Tsubasa Kurenai hopped into the room dressed as a giant mushroom, his feminine face the very picture of anger.

Ranma gaped up at him, quite surprised and rather annoyed to find the boy who, for most of the time Ranma had known him, he had believed to be a girl--a girl in love with Ukyo, at that. And that fact--that he had thought Tsubasa a girl--is what made him have his immediate reaction of thinking of him as a her.

Cologne was standing there with one eyebrow raised, her thoughts consisting of two words: What the...? Which proved that even three-thousand-year-old ghouls get surprised once in awhile.

RANMA! WHERE ARE YOU!? Tsubasa roared, drowning out all of the thoughts and gasps of patrons of the Cat Cafe and hopping on top of Ranma. Cologne, shaking her head as if she really shouldn't be surprised, hobbled over and shut the door behind him. Can't have the door open now. It'll scare away all of the customers. My my...a mushroom...son-in-law makes enemies out of the strangest people...

DON'T TRY AND HIDE FROM ME, RANMA! I KNOW YOU'RE IN HERE!

I'm not, Ranma began flatly, kicking Tsubasa off so he fell flat on his back, He climbed to his feet again.

The mushroom wiggled, trying to get up. Hey, that's no fair! Lemme up!

What the heck do you want, Tsubasa!? I'm a little busy right now, Ranma snapped, shooting a look over at Cologne.

Tsubasa grunted from the ground as he struggled to stand. And I will AVENGE HER!

Ranma blinked, and he felt a pang of guilt again. He remembered her concern about how he was feeling, and her dismay at his abrupt exit. However, before he could stop the words from coming out of his mouth, he asked I did? How?

Tsubasa rolled his eyes. How do you think? She's worried--ouch--about you, you--ugh--jerk!

Ranma frowned. He was about to comment on this when he realized something. Hey...I thought you didn't like Ukyo anymore, he said blankly, as usual forgetting the more important things and asking about insignificant details. I thought you liked Akane or somethin'.

Well--mmf--I like Ukyo again! She's--GAH--really nice to me!

Ranma raised an eyebrow. The last time Tsubasa had been chasing after Ukyo she had been horrible to him.

But anyway, Tsubasa said, finally getting to his feet in his mushroom costume, you made her really upset! Running off like that, you outta be ashamed of yourself!

Ranma had heard that so many times that it had pretty much lost it's punch by now.

In the momentary silence left after Tsubasa's statement, Cologne's thoughts sliced through Ranma's mind again. What a strange young man.

Ranma looked over at her, distracted, and Tsubasa charged at him. Don't ignore me! I'M GONNA GET YOU! he yelled.

However, at that moment, the door burst open again, swinging around and smacking Tsubasa backwards into the wall. Thoughts poured through the door, but one young girl's voice cut through all of them.

OHOHOHO! RANMA DARLING, WHERE AAAAARE YOOOOU? Kodachi crowed, plowing into the small room and not bothering to close the door behind her.

Ranma stared at her, shocked and bewildered. Of all people, why did SHE have to show up now? More than anyone else (with the exception of Happosai), Ranma had never wanted to hear KODACHI'S thoughts.

But Kodachi had already seen him. And suddenly, Ranma was struck with the very odd sensation of hearing what sounded like two Kodachis saying, Ranma darling! THERE you are! I've cooked up just the most WONDERFUL dinner for you!

Cologne waddled over to Ranma, then turned and gave Kodachi a level gaze. I'm afraid my son-and-law won't be able to eat with you tonight. What a loon.

Kodachi gave the older woman a distracted, then smug, look, and once again, Ranma was hit with the strange sensation of hearing two Kodachis speaking at once. He will never be your son-in-law! Ranma is MINE! OHOHOHO!

And then it hit him. Ranma could still hear Cologne's thoughts and the thoughts of other girls coming from the other room (...that is so swee-- ...can't believe he's he-- ...why can't I figure this--), but he couldn't hear Kodachi's. Which meant that the second Kodachi he was hearing was really her thoughts. Which meant what Ranma had always suspected: Kodachi didn't often think before she spoke.

An irritated look took over Cologne's wrinkled face. I'm afraid Ranma will be Shampoo's groom. Not yours, Ukyo's, Akane's, or anyone else's, but Shampoo's.

Ranma suppressed a groan. Not THIS again.

Oh, but that is not true, dear decrepit woman! Ranma is MINE! I have known it since he first rescued me from the horrible fate of spiraling unconscious towards the ground! OHOHOHO!

At that moment, Shampoo poked her head through the doorway and into the room. Great Grandmother? Everything is all right? Shampoo thought she hear crazy girl laughing. She stared for a moment, blinked, and after the blink, the curiosity on her face was transformed into rage. Crazy girl IS here! What crazy girl doing in Shampoo restaurant? You no welcome here!

Ranma glanced around desperately for an escape route. He did NOT want to be here right now. In fact, he didn't want to be awake right now. He wanted this to be some weird, messed up dream he was having for no real reason. He wanted it to be a dream he was having while he was lying, still unconscious after being hit by a table, on the couch.

Kodachi spun around to face Shampoo. For your information, I'm looking for my Ranma Darling, because he is coming over to my house to eat dinner!

Shampoo thought something in Chinese that Ranma figured was probably some sort of curse. You no take Ranma to your house! Ranma eat Shampoo food tonight! She stepped into the room, shutting the door behind her (thank goodness for Ranma--his head was really starting to throb from the background chatter of thoughts and words) and revealing that she was carrying a tray full of drinks and wearing a usual waitress outfit--a white apron over a Chinese-style patterned shirt and matching pants. Shutting the door also revealed Tsubasa, who's eyes were swirling and who was apparently still knocked out. He fell forward and smacked face first onto the ground.

Ranma didn't want to be here right now. Dealing with Shampoo, Kodachi, Tsubasa, or Cologne separately was hard enough--dealing with all four of them at the same time would be horrible. Plus, he REALLY wanted to go see Dr. Tofu. He looked hastily around, searching for something, anything, that would provide a way out without having to use the door (where Shampoo, Kodachi, and Tsubasa all were).

Aha! A window! Now, if he could just slink over to it without being noticed... Slowly, he lowered himself to his knees, then put his hands down in front of him and started crawling behind Cologne and towards the window. At the moment, Cologne seemed too distracted to notice. Oh, my granddaughter...she really will do anything for that young man...

Kodachi laughed derisively. You think Ranma will prefer that SWILL you call food to my ambrosia?

Crazy girl's food not ambrosia! Shampoo food MUCH better! Ranma would never pick her food over Shampoo's!

At that moment, Cologne spotted Ranma edging purposefully on his hands and knees along the wall. Oho. Let's see if son-in-law is up for a little challenge. Why don't you just ask Ranma who's food he would prefer to eat? she said loudly, before Kodachi could reply to Shampoo.

Shampoo and Kodachi stared at her, then the both stared around the room until they spotted Ranma. RANMA! You is here! Shampoo cried happily. Now will show crazy girl who Ranma REALLY love!

RANMA DARLING! How I've MISSED you! what sounded like two Kodachis chorused, even though she had seen him only moments before.

Ranma flinched, then forced a grin onto his face. Slowly, he stood up and turned to face the two girls. Uhhh... Hi, guys.

Ranma eat Shampoo food, yes? Shampoo said, excitement sparkling in her large brown eyes. No eat crazy girl's. Ranma pick Shampoo for sure!

OHOHO! Ranma Darling, SURELY you will pick MY food instead of HERS! Which I, of course, laced with sleeping powder! But for your own good, Darling!

On one hand, it was relieving hearing Kodachi think something without speaking it. On the other hand, the problem of having to choose who's food to eat (one whom's cooking was covered in poison) was now looming over Ranma the way Mt. Everest might if it were in love with him. Especially considering the fact that at the moment, he really didn't feel like eating either one of their cooking.

Uh. Actually, I, uh... He continued to edge slowly towards the window, waving his hands in a thanks, but no thanks' way in front of himself. His eyebrows were furrowed and he was trying hard to keep smiling.

Darling? Don't you WANT to eat my cooking? Kodachi asked, and Ranma noticed a slight tremble in both of her voices.

Ranma, you eat Shampoo cooking, right? Shampoo half-pleaded. Ranma always making excuses... she thought dejectedly.

Ranma prayed that neither of them would start crying, and had to force himself to keep moving towards the window. Well. I would. I mean, you know, I really would. It's just that...that I have...something I really need to do... He was almost to the window now...

But, Ranma, Shampoo said, lip trembling. Shampoo work so hard to make food for y--

But at that moment, Tsubasa launched forward. While all of Ranma's attention was focused on the two girls, Tsubasa had apparently waken up and gotten to his feet. YOU'RE EVEN GOING TO ACCEPT FOOD FROM OTHER GIRLS!? WHY YOU-- But before he could reach Ranma, the wide part of his mushroom costume smacked into Shampoo's drink tray, sending the drinks flying in the air. Shampoo stared wide-eyed up at them, and then SPLASH! the drinks came down on her and the cups smashed on the floor.

A small, angry looking cat glared up at them all and started yowling indignantly.

This surprised Tsubasa and Kodachi so much that Tsubasa forgot about attacking Ranma and Kodachi blinked. Where did that wretched girl go? she asked blankly, looking around. Then a smile slithered onto her face. She must have been afraid of me! Ohohoho! Ranma darling! I have won! She looked over to where he had been standing. Ranma dar--! Ranma darling?

But as soon as the water had hit Shampoo and she had become a cat, Ranma had run for it. Tsubasa, Cologne, and Kodachi all looked to the window, which was now open.

Kodachi and Tsubasa looked at each other, fire in their eyes, then the ran for the window. Kodachi dived through first, Tsubasa tumbled out after her, then Shampoo scrambled out and followed the other two.

RANMA DARLING! COME BACK TO ME!

I'LL GET YOU, RANMA!

MEOW! MROW!

They all rushed past the lake, and once they were out of sight, a certain red-head popped his head out of the water. he muttered in his soft feminine voice, what nut cases. He climbed out of the water and sat down on the bank. He shivered. It was night now, and it was COLD--especially seeing as how he was soaking wet. He reached down and started to peel off his shirt, but then a voice made him freeze. A voice that sounded exactly like his voice when he became a she.

Oh NO you don't, buster! Not THIS time! it snarled.

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{Wahaha. Done. ::demented grin:: This might confuse some of you, but then, it might not. In any case, more will be explained in the next chapter.

And THANK YOU HOUOUZA. ::glomps again:: You get a thank you where everyone can see it for your awesome idea and all of the inspiration you've given me. :) :D

So, as always, constructive criticism (as well as praise :P) is much appreciated. I hope you're all having a lovely summer. Or winter. Or whatever it is where you are. :)}