Notes: Inuyasha's mother always seemed like sort of a tragic figure for me, so it wasn't too hard to put her in this position. While trying to decide what Inuyasha's father was like, I figured that he was a combination of Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha--a bit cold and calculating (since he is a youkai), but basically good, a little more "enlightened" than other youkai, and just a little bit stubborn (Inuyasha had to get it from somewhere). So here it goes...
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He walked to a favorite spot, wishing to forget about the long and annoying day by doing nothing more than watching the moon dance across the sky. Just a bit more out of the forest, and the cliff would be in view. He was almost through the underbrush when he noticed that there was already someone there. Standing on the cliff was a human girl. A girl wearing the clothes of a lady, even. He wondered what she was doing out so late and so far out. He stopped, standing in the last few trees that were present before the land cleared.
He wondered if she was going to go away soon. It was given that she wouldn't want to meet a youkai, and he didn't usually go out of his way to frighten humans. He settled on simply waiting until she left. He had all night; she probably did not. She would leave eventually, and he would be free to watch the rest of the night away.
But she didn't leave. And he began to suspect that she was out here for something besides the view. Even from this distance, he could tell that she had been crying. And she would stand at the very edge of the cliff and stare off, and then turn around and walk a short distance away. There she would stand or sometimes pace for a few minutes before she went back to the cliff. Each cycle of this seemed to take about five minutes, and she had done three of them now. He inwardly sighed. All he had wanted to do was sit there in peace for the rest of the night, but it didn't seem that she would be leaving anytime soon--the way she came, or the way that she wanted to go.
He wasn't sure how he felt about her jumping. (She didn't seem to know how she felt about it, either.) It really wasn't of any consequence to him if some girl killed herself, but it seemed like such a pointless waste. And while he certainly had no obligation to go out there and talk her out of it, he felt somewhat guilty at standing there and simply watching if she did eventually throw herself off. He could just leave now, but he knew that he wouldn't be able to stop wondering if she had done it or not, and all he had ever wanted to do tonight was sit out here in peace to begin with. Beginning to grow irritated at all parts of the situation, he finally decided that was tired of waiting for her to leave, and that he wasn't going to let her presence keep him from doing what he wanted. He would do what he came to do, whether she was there or not. Hopefully she would just leave when she saw him, and either forget her suicidal thoughts or save them for another night.
-----
Stabbing sounded too painful. Poison too nauseating. Hanging too lingering. The only other answer was jumping. It sounded logical, speedy, and relatively instant and painless if it was done from high enough. So now she stood in the moonlit night, overlooking the valley more than fifty feet below her. It would have been a breathtaking sight, if she could see anything besides death at the bottom. Her feet were inches from the cliff's edge, and she was trying to take the step. She had been trying to do so for the last hour.
Izayoi's family was wealthy--rich even--and she was a beautiful lady of the upper class. She had had no real life, and had been engaged to a stranger in order to make alliances. But that hadn't bothered her. It was expected, and the only idea that she had ever known. She had delighted in pleasing her family, and fulfilling her role. Until she had had her first taste of love. Another young noble had courted her, not knowing of the agreement already between her father and the chosen house. He had spoken sweet words, and showered her with flowers and poetry. She had felt alive for the first time, and felt that there was something outside of what she knew. Something to live for.
She had seen no difference in who she married, and thought that one noble was as good as another. But when Izayoi had brought up the subject of the young man to her father, he had refused, saying that there was already an agreement concerning her. She had wept and cried; and she and her would be lover had cursed their fate, both saying that they couldn't bear to live the rest of their lives without the other. However, when she had suggested committing double suicide, it became very clear that he could live without her. He had left her, even becoming quickly smitten with her younger sister. Which her father had had no problems with, as her sister had no marriage contracts. He saw it as good fortune, having two daughters ready to marry eligible nobles.
She had cried for days at the unfairness of it all, and had realized that she couldn't go back to how things used to be. While her suitor had betrayed her, the feelings that she had had beforehand were something that she couldn't live without. To have someone else to live for, to wake up each day knowing that she had something. It had made her alive. And though she could live without this feeling for a while, she knew that she couldn't live her whole life playing the part that she had played before. She felt nothing similar for the man she was to marry, and knew that if she married him, she would never be free to feel such things again. To go back to a life with no chance of ever feeling that way again--she didn't think that she could do. And if she had been willing to commit double suicide, why not single suicide?
Now Izayoi stood on the cliff, playing with the relieving yet terrifying idea of throwing herself off of it. She could leave everything behind, and be free from a joyless life. If she could only do it.
"Going to jump?" a voice from behind her suddenly asked.
She almost did jump then. She had thought that she was quite alone, and was startled at suddenly finding someone there with her. "Maybe," she answered without turning around, making an effort to keep her voice level. She heard nothing, but the man must have come closer, as she soon saw his figure standing next to her. She didn't look up at him, but she could see his clothing out of her peripheral vision.
"Maybe?"
"Yes, I am, then."
"You'd have done it by now," he stated simply.
How long had he been standing there behind her? "I have nobody to live for, so why not?" she said, trying to sound sure of herself.
"Live for yourself. It's what I do."
She was becoming irritated at this person. She tore her gaze away from the valley beneath her to see who rude enough to disturb her death. "You! What do you even kno--oh!"
The one standing beside her wasn't human. Panic washed over Izayoi and she took an automatic step away, forgetting that she was on the edge of a cliff. She felt her foot slip, and she suddenly gasped, but felt relieved at the same time. At least it was going to be over now.
But before she had fallen barely an inch, his hand snaked out and grabbed her by the shoulder, pushing her back up. Almost infuriated that he had done so, she glared up at him.
"Why did you do that?!" she cried angrily, forgetting her initial reaction to be scared.
"You really want to die?" he said.
"Yes, I do!" she yelled, swatting his hand off her shoulder.
"Then you're afraid to do it."
"Yes, I am!"
She realized what she had said, and was even more angered that he had made her admit it. She couldn't do it; she had known deep inside from the first instant that she had looked down that she wouldn't be able to; yet there was no other way out. She wanted everything to end, but she was afraid.
Acting on the impulsive idea the very second that it came to her, she drew back her arm and slapped him across the face as hard as she could. His head barely moved, and it felt like she very nearly broke her hand. Though she scarcely registered the pain, as she was readying herself for what she thought would inevitably come next.
But nothing did. He only looked at her for several agonizingly long seconds before he said, "I'm not going to do your dirty work for you."
Suddenly feeling as if she didn't have enough willpower left to stand, she sank down to the ground and stared dejectedly at the dirt. She suddenly realized that if he wasn't going to do anything, she could find no reason to be afraid of him, youkai or not. "Then. Go. Away." she commanded bitterly.
"No."
The outright refusal startled her. She looked up at him from where she sat. "I was here first," she said, realizing how childish it sounded the instant that it was out of her mouth.
"Tonight, maybe. But I found this spot long before you."
"This cliff isn't yours."
"It's not yours, either. But it's a lot closer to being mine than it is to being yours," he said, sitting down so that his side faced her and he overlooked the valley. He was going to stay there!
"Why don't you just go away?" she demanded.
"Why don't you just go away?" he responded coolly.
Unable to think of anything else to say or do, she moved over a bit and turned her back on him and the valley. She found herself absently massaging her hand while she thought. She couldn't even commit suicide right. Worse, she couldn't even get a youkai to kill her. And while some small part of her mind found it interesting that he hadn't, a greater part wished that he had. Why hadn't he? Izayoi had seen her uncle kill men for less disrespect. And youkai cared nothing for human lives. She halfway wondered why he was still here, or even out here to begin with, but she found that she didn't care.
She looked toward the woods that led to her home. She didn't want to go back, but she had nowhere else to go. And if she wasn't going to kill herself, she had to go somewhere. Maybe she would go back, just later. She couldn't stand to tonight. She turned her head around to look at the youkai, who had his back to her and was ignoring her completely. She had never really seen a youkai before. It never occurred to her that there was one that wouldn't want kill a human on sight, not to mention one that would be so disagreeable.
Suddenly she heard the crunch of underbrush and the saw the lights of small lanterns coming through the woods. They couldn't find her now, she wasn't sure that she wanted to go back. Even if she did, she didn't want to go now. She glanced around, but the cliff was completely bare. Soon they spotted her and came out of the woods, two of her father's guards. She stood up to face them. They stopped a dozen or so feet away and nodded their heads in a small bow to her before they spoke.
"My lady, we've finally found you," one greeted her.
"We're to bring you back to the house," the second one said.
"Thank you, but I do not wish to return yet."
"I'm sorry, but we have orders from--"
"I tell you I'm not going!"
"Lady, you must understand that--"
"No!"
The second man suddenly noticed the youkai sitting on the edge of the cliff. "Does this youkai keep you here?"
She glanced at the youkai, who looked up at the men out of the corner of his eye, but then turned back to the valley.
"No, I left and stayed out on my own! My sisters would tell you that! He just happens to be here, on his cliff." It was true, he did just happen to be there. She almost wished that he were keeping her there, though, as she couldn't help but notice the reluctance in the guard's voice when he thought that he might have to fight a youkai.
She suddenly moved, putting the youkai between herself and the two men. She didn't expect him to do anything, but hopefully he looked intimidating enough that the guards wouldn't approach her. If they had orders from her father, they would take her back by force if necessary, whether she was their lady or not. She saw the youkai glance at her, giving her much the same cool look that he had after she had slapped him. He knew what she was doing. Now if he would just sit there and not say anything.
Izayoi glared back at the guards. "I'm not going. Tell Father that I may or may not return. It shouldn't matter anyway, one of his other daughters can take my place."
The men looked back and forth between her and the youkai for several moments, and then they spoke lowly to each other. Finally, they left without a word or further glance in her direction, disappearing back into the woods.
She relaxed. At least the immediate problem was taken care of. But that had drained her of all her anger, leaving only the hopeless sadness.
She felt the hairs on the back of her neck suddenly prick up, and turned to look at the youkai, who was now staring at her. "Nicely done," he said. Then he turned back around.
Not particularly caring, she went over to the cliff and sat down next to him.
"What are you doing?" he asked, looking at her with slight surprise.
"Sitting," she said, not looking at him, but at the valley. "If you wish to be rid of my company, you'll have to kill me or leave. I can look at the view, too."
She sat with her legs dangling over the side, and she looked out at the moonlit lands below. Despair hit her again, and she felt herself leaning farther toward the edge. A part of her mind danced with the wonder of how far she could look before she fell. Maybe she could do it if she did it little by little, instead of taking that first and final horrifying step. She was afraid to do it, but she wanted it done. She just wanted peace and freedom, and that was the only way she saw to get it.
"Just because I didn't kill you, you're awfully trusting, you know," he said, jerking her out of her thoughts. She leaned back away from the edge without knowing it.
"I don't care," she said, her eyes still on the valley. Though she got the feeling that his eyes were on her.
"I could change my mind and still kill you."
"I don't care."
"I could use you."
"I don't care."
"I could just wound you, and leave you here bleeding."
"I don't care."
"What do you care about?"
"Nothing," she said quietly. She felt a tear slide down her cheek. She turned to look at him. "Are you sure I can't talk you into putting me out of my misery?"
He said nothing, and she broke the gaze. Emotionally exhausted, she let herself fall against the dirt behind her, her legs still dangling over the cliff's edge. She looked past the youkai and up to the stars. She wondered if the dead moved among the stars.
"You really do want to die," he said suddenly, turning toward her. He leaned a bit closer and almost seemed to be studying her. She held her breath. Was he going to do it, and end it for her? She waited for what seemed like hours while he stared down at her, frowning slightly. Then he sat back up straight and turned his head back to the valley. Another tear fell out of her eye. She would have to live, then.
-----
"Are you sure I can't talk you into putting me out of my misery?"
She looked at him with eyes so sad. Not sad at the prospect of dying, but sad at the prospect of living. Then sighing at his lack of response, she fell back into the dirt, and looked up at the sky. A small stream of tears ran down each side of her face.
"You really do want to die," he realized, turning halfway around to glance at her.
Perhaps he should just do as she asked. He had stopped her from falling before because he had startled her. He had known that he would startle her when he had walked up. If the girl wanted to throw herself off a cliff, that was her business, but he wasn't going to be the one that accidentally made her fall if she didn't really want it. But it seemed that she really wanted death. Perhaps he should just do as she asked. He halfway considered it. There wasn't anything wrong with killing someone who desired death so much, he supposed.
He looked at her where she lay, and absently leaned closer, as if the answer was just out of his reach. She stared back blankly with almost hopeful eyes, and the corners of her mouth twisted into a hollow, expectant smile.
The look on her face suddenly unnerved him. She was confused. She didn't know what she wanted. She was afraid of death, and even more afraid to do it herself, but she obviously saw it as her only release. A release that she desired so much that she would set her fears aside for, especially if she could simply die without having to be the one to inflict it. It was odd to see a human wish for death so completely; they usually did everything in their power to stay alive. And he had never seen someone so utterly unconcerned with what happened to them. He felt sorry for her in a way.
He should have known that he wouldn't have been able to walk out here without getting involved. For her to simply leave when she saw him would have been too simple. She hadn't gone, she had somehow gotten into an argument with him, and then she had used him to fend off her father's guards. Nothing was ever simple. Not only that, she also wanted him to end her problems for her. She had now basically asked him to kill her three times. The first time she had tried to provoke him, the second time she had flat out told him that if he wanted to be alone he would have to kill her, and now she was practically pleading. But something in his better nature still wouldn't allow it. She didn't deserve to die, she just wanted it, or so she thought. He suddenly turned and broke her eerie gaze, and once more looked back off of the cliff. He heard a sob escape her throat.
"No?" she asked.
"No."
-----
He wasn't going to do it.
"No?"
"No."
"Why not?" She sighed. "I thought youkai killed."
"I do kill. When called for."
"Would the death of one human woman try that heavily on your conscience?" She still didn't look at him, only staring straight above.
"Perhaps," he said, then pausing. "What happened to make you so desperate?"
When she didn't answer him, he pulled her chin to the side, forcing her to look up at him. She unexpectedly noticed how warm his hand was. "You're freezing," he said suddenly, affirming her realization.
"Then I'll just lie here and freeze to death," she said, jerking her head away and once more staring fixedly at the stars.
"It won't get that cold."
"It was worth a try."
The air almost seemed to get colder to her then. Izayoi had been so preoccupied with her thoughts before that she hadn't noticed it, but now the wind seemed to bite at her. She suddenly shivered.
"What happened to make you so desperate?" he repeated.
"You care?"
"You've dragged me into it. I am at least entitled to the full story."
"I have no life," she finally said, then meeting his gaze. "Life is only a ritual that benefits others. But that was all I knew, so I didn't care. Then to find something that lets you really be alive, and then have it ripped away--you see what you've missed. And then you're thrust back into the ritual of fake life again...I couldn't stand it."
"There is no way for you to get this thing back?"
"No."
"Nor find something similar to let you out again?"
"No."
"Still, why die?"
"If I can't really live, I would rather not live at all."
"Brave words."
She suddenly couldn't think of a reply, as he was right. They were only words.
"Start over somewhere else," he suggested.
"It's not that simple, youkai," she said, sitting up to face him. "Don't you think I've thought about that? I have no friends to shelter me. If I go to another noble house, I'll be found out and sent back soon enough! And I don't know how to do anything, other than be a lady. I wish I could go to some village and make a simple life for myself, but I don't know how! You know nothing! I have nothing!"
"You see nothing worth living for?"
"I...I don't know. If I were free, I suppose. Free to live and do as I wished."
"A heavy price. One not easily obtained."
"You talk. I bet you're free," she spat. "What do youkai do, anyway?"
"Many do exactly as you think--skulk in darkness and come out to destroy."
"Not you?"
"I find that a bit bleak and pointless."
"Lucky me."
"I sincerely doubt that you would want to die in the way that many youkai would kill you."
Morbid stories of youkai-related deaths suddenly flashed through her mind. "Maybe not," she finally admitted.
"There are more guards coming," he suddenly said, standing up. "And I do not wish to play more games with them. The peace of this night has been ruined, anyway. I'm leaving. If you don't want to go back, I suggest that you do the same."
She stood up. She didn't hear anyone, but something told her that if he said there were more coming, then there were more coming. What to do now? But before she could say anything, he spoke again.
"There is a clan of nobles, called the Kikuchi, in the west. I have dealings with them. If you get there, and tell them that I said so, they will let you stay with no questions asked. You'll be free to live your life however you want."
"You...you would do that?"
"Don't sound so surprised. It's not as if it requires a great effort on my part."
"No. No, but there are lots of people just like me. Why would...?"
He shrugged. "They weren't standing on my cliff, and they didn't throw themselves at me begging to be killed. Besides, you have to get there on your own."
It was still a good offer. He turned to leave, and Izayoi realized that she didn't even know his name.
"Wait! Who should I say sent me?"
He turned back to look at her.
"Tell them, the white dog."
She suddenly heard the distant crunching of feet through the woods, and looked behind her. If she didn't leave now, they would find her. She started to go, but turned back around once more.
"Thank y--" she started, but he had vanished, without any hint or trace of where he had gone. Turning away, she also disappeared into the night.