There are times when one just has to take a chance, leap from the mountain
top and hope that you'll land on your feet and not break them. Those times
when we must choose whether or not we will jump or retreat are the most
terrifying. As I lie here just hidden from the dim light of the midnight
moon I made my choice. Tonight, I placed my feelings into someone else's
hands. To think that I could ever feel this way makes no sense. However,
these feelings are so right, and I'd gladly have anyone who thinks
otherwise discuss it with the business end of my whip.
I never really imagined that I could feel this way about anyone, ever again. There were times when I was beat down and I considered never getting up again. Yet I persisted, and hoped that I had misconceptions on life; prayed with all my heart that I would one day wake up and realize that I had not suffered in vain. In your hands my wounds were made better and your smile, god your lips, healed me. You healed me over and over until even my scars were no longer visible. No more battle wounds, or stories to tell, all because of you.
So after all this, I thought that you my platinum haired beauty, my angel, my savior would be the last one to say those horrible words. Say those three horrible words that sliced through old and familiar cuts that you had so painstakingly erased.
"I DON'T CARE."
What the fuck kinda shit is that!
"I DON'T CARE."
* * *
"So how did you like the play sweetie?" Quistis asked as she walked arm-in- arm with Fujin.
"NOT BAD." Fujin replied. "SAD ENDING, SHE WAITED FOR NOTHING."
"I know, made me glad that I had someone to hold on to while I was there." Quistis smiled and nibbled Fujin's ear as the other woman keyed into their suite.
"NOT START..." Fujin grinned pulling Quistis into the well furnished living room and shutting the door. "IS LATE." She took off her dress coat, helped Quistis out of hers and hung both up.
"Point being?" Quistis questioned and locked the door. "It's not as if the time of night ever stopped you when you wanted some." Fujin gave a throaty chuckle and went back into the bed room. Quistis cracked her knuckles and skipped after her.
"Come on." Quistis urged as she unzipped Fujin's dress for her and turned to allow Fujin to do the same. "You can't wear a sexy dress and expect me to not react to it."
"YOU'RE IDEA." Fujin replied and unzipped the back of Quistis' dress. "WANTED TUX."
Quistis rolled her eyes and pushed a half-naked Fujin down unto the bed. "Gimmie a break. I'm not letting you hide your gorgeous body like that." Quistis reinforced her words with a kiss and a warm caress.
"STARTING..." Fujin warned even as she returned the kiss.
"Oh hush." Quistis whispered.
* * *
The next morning Quistis awoke feeling as though she were glowing inside. She blinked and looked around the room and came to the conclusion that things looked different. With a start she realized that the room looked different because she was sideways in the bed. Grinning she peeled back some of the covers to see that it was indeed Fujin's head resting on her stomach. So that ruled out making her breakfast in bed, Fujin was a light sleeper and Quistis was content to remain still and enjoy the perfect morning. Still though, she could not resist running a hand through Fujin's hair; the motion as all that was needed to rouse the crimson eyed warrior. Fujin blinked sleepily and looked up into Quistis' eyes.
"Good morning love." Quistis greeted.
Fujin smiled sweetly. "HAD TO START. NOW AM SIDEWAYS IN BED."
Quistis giggled. "Don't sound so perturbed. You could have ignored me." Fujin gave her an incredulous look and pushed herself up so she was level with Quistis.
"COULD NEVER IGNORE YOU." Fujin nuzzled her gently.
"I'm glad." They were silent for a moment. "But for someone who was against the whole thing you didn't put up much of a fight.
"DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS." With that Fujin climbed out of bed and took the spread and all the sheets with her leaving Quistis completely open and exposed on the bed.
"Hey! Bring those back, it's chilly without the covers!" Quistis pouted and curled into a ball.
Fujin looked at her for a moment then grinned. "SO I SEE." She balled up the covers and tossed them at Quistis, who caught them and placed them on the bed. "SHOWER. JOIN?"
"Of course, not like I wouldn't have had you not asked."
The two women happily showered together and got dressed slowly to enjoy the fact that neither had anything important to do all day.
Quistis went into the kitchen and began making a breakfast of scrambled eggs and bacon while Fujin checked the mail. Quistis smiled serenely as she watched the eggs, things had been this perfect for sometime now, and she was beginning to think it would last for ever. The door shut signaling that Fujin was back with the mail.
"We get anything Fuu?" she called.
"BILL...SOMETHING FOR ME..." The way Fujin trailed off made a cold chill go up Quistis' spine.
"From who dear?"
"...HOME..." she replied after some hesitation.
Quistis went out into the living room. Fujin was perched atop the arm of the couch staring at the envelope clasped between her hands. She did not look up from the address.
"You sure?" Quistis knew very little about Fujin's past, just that the woman hated discussing it and so she did not press the painful memories.
"QUITE." Fujin finally looked up, her face was stone for a moment before brightening with a smile. "WILL READ AFTER BREAKFAST." Quistis frowned, but nodded and went to get out the plates.
Breakfast went as well as always in the small suite. Each woman taking turns feeding the other. Fujin making odd airplane noises as she held the fork for Quistis, and Quistis choking on her food as she tried not to laugh. Life continued to treat the two women well, until it was time for that letter to be opened.
Quistis was in the kitchen washing the dishes when she heard the sound of someone falling and a lamp tumbling to the floor.
"Fuu, are you okay?" Fearing any number of things Quistis raced out into the living room.
Fujin was on the floor clutching the edge of the end table next to the couch. The fallen lamp shone a bright circle of light unto the wall, casting Fujin's trembling silhouette. She did not answer the question, her arm stuck frozen in front of her, her fingers clutching the paper as though it were made of spun sugar. The look of horror and disbelief that masked Fujin's face is what stressed Quistis the most.
"Fuu...?" Quistis knelt next to her love, unsure of what to do. "Fuu...what does it..."
"My mother..." she rasped quietly. Quistis frantically tried to recall if Fujin ever mentioned her mother and no instance could come to mind.
"What happened sweetie?"
Fujin faced her, her sudden and seemingly overwhelming pain flowing into Quistis mind. "She is dead." The silver haired woman crumpled the paper and fled the suite leaving a stunned and confused Quistis behind.
"Her mother?" Quistis thought to herself as she righted the fallen lamp and straightened the end table. "I had no idea..... She never mentions her so I guess I just assumed that her mother had died a long time ago. Like mine." Quistis looked worriedly at the door. "I suppose I should just leave her be for now. Having me around the whole time might only make this worse."
Silently, Quistis retrieved the crumpled paper and smoothed out the creases to the best of her ability. She read the solemn words to herself in attempt to understand exactly what was going on. The letter stated:
To Whom It May Concern:
We regret to inform you of the passing of your mother, Yohiko Kazeno. The enclosed item is all that has not been repossessed by the state. We truly regret having lost one as valued as your mother and wish to offer our deepest condolences for her passing.
Signed, Mayor Robert Delano
Quistis sighed and laid the battered letter aside. This was big; Fujin's mother was dead. While Fujin almost never mentioned her life before the orphanage it always seemed to Quistis that there was a mixture of sadness and joy in her eye when she did. Quistis tried to think of how she would be feeling right now if she knew that her mother had died. Well, she did know, but Fujin was only hit with the news just now. Quistis had no idea of how to handle such a situation because she had been there so many years ago when her parents ceased to live. She bit her lip and reached for the envelope, the letter had said something about an item.
She held the envelope sideways and a small ordinary key slid out into the palm of her hand. She frowned and turned it about. "Some compensation for the death of a loved one." She thought. "It must mean more to Fujin than it does to me." Quistis put both the letter and the key back into the envelope and left it on Fujin's dresser.
What time was it?
Quistis checked the clock; their breakfast had really been more of a lunch so the clock read 2:30 in the afternoon. There was nothing to do in Fujin's absence, and Quistis did not really want to leave the suite in case Fujin should return. It was obvious that Fujin was not ready to let Quistis in on that part of her life, and Quistis was okay with that. However, it would be heartless of her to go out and act as though she did not care. So Quistis settled herself on the couch and began to read.
* * *
Quistis had been asleep for awhile by the time Fujin returned. The woman was silent as she entered the room. She was slightly surprised to see Quistis asleep on the couch, the book print side down in her lap. Not wanting to disturb the other woman's rest, Fujin slipped into the bed room and froze as she saw the letter waiting for her on the bed. She scowled and threw it into the waster paper can, then tried to busy herself with organizing the items on her dresser. When she could no longer stand it, she growled to herself and rescued the letter from the waste bin. She inhaled sharply in attempt to stop the tears and held the damned precious letter to her heart. The key pressed firm into her bosom. She paused and took the key from the envelope, knuckles turning white as she gripped the cold metal. Warm fingers gently covered hers, and she flinched.
"It's just me sweetie." Quistis said worriedly. "Are you okay?" Fujin slowly shook her head no. "Dumb question huh?" Quistis tenderly brushed some of Fujin's platinum hair aside. "Early bed tonight?" Fujin nodded and turned to the bed and began to remove her pants. Quistis did the same as Fujin pulled back the clean sheets that they had changed that morning. That happy morning already seemed so far away to the both of them.
Quistis pulled the compliant Fujin closer as they settled themselves in bed. She did not ask Fujin about where she had been that day, or why she had just run away instead of allowing Quistis to at least offer her shoulder. It did sting that Fujin had not said a thing to her about it all, but Quistis felt as though she may not be the best suited to help Fujin through this. Although, Quistis desperately wanted to be there for her love, she also felt as though she should wait for some sort of permission from Fujin. Rhythmic breathing told Quistis that Fujin was already asleep. Quistis kissed the woman's forehead gently so as not to wake her and tried to float off to sleep as well.
The next morning Fujin was the first to wake up; she rubbed her bloodshot eye and pulled herself from Quistis' arms. She did not feel like being held right now, at least not by Quistis. She found she suddenly missed her mother and wanted to be held by no one but her. Of course those were obviously normal feelings, but Fujin was not prepared to deal with such rushes of emotion. Fujin carefully extracted herself from the bed and opened the cramped fingers of her left hand. She had clutched that cursed key all night and the ridges firmly imprinted on her palm. Fujin examined the key once again, she knew what it went to and she didn't want to open it now, especially now.
She sighed and pulled on the jeans from yesterday and a t-shirt, not exactly the height of fashion, but she found that she didn't really care. Fujin may not have wanted to open the box the key held shut, but she figured she may as well get it out of storage. The only one who knew where her old belongings were was Edea. Fujin raked a hand through her hair and glanced at the clock. 10:45 A.M. That meant Edea had been up since a few hours ago, and oddly enough Fujin knew exactly where she was. She pocketed the key and gave Quistis a good-bye stare before leaving their suite without shoes.
Fuck shoes. She never used to wear them when she was little, in memory of her mother she would not wear them now. That thought seemed odd to Fujin as she made her way to the elevator. "Not wearing shoes in honor of my mother. How appropriate ... who cares." She stopped in front of the elevator and frowned at the array of buttons for each floor. Edea's new office had been converted from NORG's old chamber so she slammed a fist down on Basement Floor 1 and stepped into the waiting elevator.
Usually Fujin did her best to avoid the willowy sorceress, things were never right between them after the whole thing with Seifer and the war. Seeing the other woman made Fujin remember the past and all the horrible things she had not wanted to do but had done anyway. Bearing this in mind Fujin figured she should be nervous if not fidgety, however she felt nothing. All she desired was the box and Edea was simply the current keeper of the box. The elevator came to a smooth stop and the door slid open silently, allowing Fujin to enter Edea's new office. She quickly realized that she had never been in Edea's office as she never had the need or desire to be anywhere near the woman. What she called an office seemed to be more of a lair. While the NORG's presence no longer hung in the air an under current of magic and almost mysticism had taken root. While the room no longer frightened her, as she had not been able to admit, it did intimidate her somewhat.
Fujin frowned slightly as she came upon Edea's 'desk'. It was not so much a desk as an enormous pile of pillows with a small low-set Japanese table set in the center of it. Yet it was not the odd choice of office furniture that made Fujin frown, honestly the whole thing seemed to go perfectly with the strange décor, it was the fact that Edea was facing her and had not said a single word upon her sudden and unexpected entrance. At least Fujin thought it was unexpected, you could never tell with Edea. As Fujin drew closer to the mysteriously quiet woman she saw that Edea had her eyes closed, and seemed to be meditating. She shrugged and stood in front of the pile of pillows until Edea's eyes flickered once and slowly drew themselves open.
"Ah, good morning Fujin." She greeted. No smile adorned her face as she spoke, yet she looked neither angry nor upset at the fact that Fujin had disturbed her meditation. "I am so sorry about your mother my dear."
Fujin scowled angrily but held her emotions in check. "THEN KNOW WHY AM HERE."
"Yes I know why you're here." She reached under a few pillows and pulled out a thick metal box that was closed tightly with a padlock. "I got it out of storage just for you. I knew you would be here for it. To tell the truth I had expected you a bit sooner. You must have taken it harder than I thought you would."
"ENOUGH! GIVE BOX."
"She felt nothing, in case you wanted to know. I detected no pain on her soul, nothing but happiness and motherly worry for you Fujin."
"SILENCE! NOT HEAR ABOUT MOTHER AND DEATH." Fujin took a breath. "SHE PROMISED THINGS. COULD NOT DIE. WOULD BREAK PROMISE."
Edea smiled and leaned forward to place the box on the table separating her from Fujin. "She never broke those promises dear girl, but it takes some understanding to see that. Think about that will you, and spare more heartache."
Fujin snatched the box from the table, the sharp metal edge leaving a long scratch mark. She didn't so much as glance back as she practically ran from Edea's 'office'. "Sure I left a huge scratch on that wonderfully crafted table." She thought as she took the elevator back to the first floor. "I don't care. Why should I care anyway?"
The hardened warrior sniffed as she paused in front of her door, would Quistis be awake when she went in? What would she say if Quistis asked her where she had been? Fujin shrugged to herself and entered the suite. She had nothing to explain to anyone, not Quistis and not Edea. She heard Quistis making herself some breakfast as she stood awkwardly in her own home. The entire place seemed alien to her, the loss of one she wished to make proud seemingly stripped everything of its importance. What did all she had accomplished matter if her mother was not here to see how well she had raised a daughter. The overwhelming sadness and hopelessness suddenly pulled at Fujin shoulders, she wanted nothing more than to curl up somewhere and never get up again. The couch looked to be safe enough for her depression, so she clutched the metal box to her chest and fell heavily unto the couch.
Fujin was staring at the blank TV screen which sat across from the cushy couch as Quistis exited the kitchen with a plate of toast in hand. The blonde woman looked from Fujin to the screen and blinked confusedly a few times before taking a bit out of her toast.
"It usually works better if you have the TV turned on." She commented amusedly and gestured with her toast. "Want me to turn it on?" Fujin said nothing, simply stared into space. A wave of concern rolled down Quistis' spine. "You want to talk?" Fujin glared at her to be quiet and sunk further into the couch. "I just want to help you." Quistis said quietly.
"I DON'T CARE!" Fujin yelled.
Silence settled until Quistis grabbed the remote and switched the TV on. "I'll be in the room if you need me." She said, allowing more hurt to creep into her voice than she had intended. There was no response to her hurt reply, only sullen silence. Quistis grimaced and stalked into the back room. Fujin barely noticed the door slamming shut.
* * *
The days following the fallout between Quistis and Fujin were some of the most silent days the two had ever spent together. Quistis mostly went about her day tending to her work related responsibilities and getting what Fujin needed but never asked for. She hadn't been to sure on what she should say to Squall when he questioned on why Fujin was unable to come in to work. So she simply said Fujin was not feeling well and was best serving the Garden at home on the couch. In fact, Fujin had not left the couch in weeks, except to relieve her self and occasionally change her clothes. The silver haired woman had fallen into a deep depression; she simply sat all day staring at the TV and clutching that strange metal box. Quistis doubted Fujin was actually watching whatever was happening on the screen as she very rarely blinked.
"To tell the truth". Quistis thought as she tackled not only her pile of paperwork but Fujin's as well. "She doesn't seem very aware of what is going on around her. I don't think she saw me watching her the other night."
The past night Quistis had tried to coax Fujin from the couch and into the bedroom with no success. She simply wanted Fujin to get a little sleep and restore her energy. Frustrated, Quistis had plopped down on the floor next to the armrest which supported Fujin's head. Quistis had found nothing in that single red eye as she delved deep into it as she had been wont to do before. Fujin's eye was an empty glass, nothing, not even the faintest spark shone through. Quistis shuddered as she remembered how intense that eye had once been. She wondered what could have muddied it so.
The object of Quistis' musing lay deeply imbedded in the couch's encompassing arms. The TV chattered incessantly in her background providing the only link from her mind to the real world. For Fujin had become a slave to her own memories. Her mother's voice crying out to never be forgotten rang constantly and almost drowned out the TV. She had been standing in this one place for quite sometime before it occurred to her that there maybe some worth to doing a bit of exploring. Taking the first step was quite hard; Fujin found that her muscles felt extremely stiff. Nevertheless, she plodded on about the strange place which seemed to be some sort of jungle. Trees she could never hope to identify sprang from the ground and towered above her offering her only a small glimpse of the sky, which was colored a deep purple.
As she walked along she realized that she was no longer in control of her feet. They carried her along a rocky and broken path which only seemed to vaguely frighten her. Fujin was not sure how long she had been following the path before she suddenly came upon what she felt were old ruins of an enormous building. Pipes and other assorted metal parts jutted out at odd angles from piled of stone rubble. In some places walls were still partially intact showing that the walls had been encased in some type of metal. All in all it seemed that mountains of metal and broken rock simply surrounded this almost desolate area. Fujin squinted and could see the faintest bit of light coming from deep within the center of the destroyed structure.
Just then a small sound hit her ears, a familiar wailing sound. A small child was crying, mournful sobs rose from the ruins and Fujin found her legs pushing forward in sudden need to be near that child. As she came around a large boulder, she spied a small barefoot little girl standing atop a blackened rock. The girls' grimy hands covered her eyes as she wept, the tears streaming down her cheeks and continuing in tracks down the girls' arms. Fujin knelt before the little girl and pulled her close in a motherly fashion. The girl threw her arms around Fujin's neck and Fujin smiled, cooed softly to the girl and stroked her stringy silver hair.
Silver? Silver Hair?
Fujin pulled the girl away from her and inhaled sharply. The girl looked exactly as she had at age four. What was going on?
"My sanctuary is gone." The younger Fujin said clearly with a slight accusatory tone. Fujin stuttered in shock but the girl continued talking. "That letter you read made it go away." She sniffed and wiped at her face. "Now I have to share."
"Share...?" Fujin jumped at the sound of her own voice, not rough and broken as it normally was.
"Don't look so surprised," the girl said. "You don't think in broken sentences...so why should you speak in them while you're here?"
"Where am I?" Fujin asked timidly, hoping her 'new' voice would last.
"Inside, with me." The child replied cryptically.
Fujin eyed the girl suspiciously and decided to change tactics. "What do you have to share?"
"My memories!" The girl wailed. "They're mine! You gave them to me, and now because of that letter I have to share them." The younger version of Fujin sniffed one more time and began to walk off in the direction of a path leading down towards the light. Fujin stood wondering exactly when she had given this girl anything and what all of this meant when she realized that she had lost sight of the girl.
"Wait!" she called out and ran to the path which took a sharp angle down into the craterous pit. The girl was already halfway down to the bright source of light. Fujin uttered a curse and began trying to pick her way down the torn, rocky path without breaking her neck. By the time Fujin had caught up to the younger copy of herself she was out of breath and had long since run out of patience. She glanced up at the almost solid wall of complete light with which she and the girl shared space before fixing the child with a glare.
"Who are you?" she growled at the girl.
The girl stared appraisingly at her for a moment before answering, her eyes taking on an almost timeless quality. "I am you." Fujin blink confusedly as the girl continued. "I'm a part of you actually. The part you created to keep safe all of the memories of your mother."
"You lie." Fujin hissed immediately.
"No, so precious and fragile were those memories you hid them away from yourself. You were afraid to live them and remember them for fear that you might somehow damage them." The words seemed so strange coming from a small child's mouth, yet Fujin knew she had no reason to doubt them.
"Where are we?"
"We are deep inside your subconscious. The sudden realization of your mother's death," Fujin winced. "Has pushed you into a deep trance-like depression. This was all I could do to save you." The child-Fujin said almost apologetically. "If I hadn't acted who knows what you would have done, you could have hurt yourself or gone crazy. Look at the way you treated Edea this morning." The wall of light flickered for a moment and the image of Fujin and Edea surfaced. Fujin heard her careless remarks to the other woman and winced.
"Why do you look like me as a child?" she questioned quietly as she pledged to apologize to Edea.
"This is the oldest form of yourself in all of the memories, and you felt this age was the best age for the keeper of your oldest memories." The girl answered impatiently.
"How? Why?" Fujin persisted.
"Are you going to whittle time away by asking questions? Or are you going to go further and answer them yourself?" the girl scolded. Fujin looked taken aback at being rebuked by a four year old. She took a deep and stepped forward into the light. Outside, the girl-Fujin sighed. "It's almost over for me." With one last look around the girl stepped in after the older version of herself.
Once within the light Fujin found herself being assaulted on all sides by this strange, almost living light. It penetrated her skin, blinded her and she could not help but squeeze her eyes shut against it. She fell in on herself, desperately trying to protect her unshielded mind and body from this attack on her senses. The child-Fujin came up behind her and gave her a soothing pat on the back.
"Your most pure and precious memories are kept here Fujin." She said. "You must let go of your fear and embrace your memories, or you will never return from here."
"I can't." Fujin rasped.
"You can and you will." The child-Fujin grasped the nape of Fujin's neck and held firmly.
Suddenly the light flew under Fujin's eyelids and her vision became white, it was too much and she began her descent to the ground. Her fall was cushioned by her younger self who looked on in pity as tears streamed from her creator's one working eye.
* * *
Slowly but surely, Fujin found that her vision was returning. The white light was receding and becoming color to her eyes. That fact that Fujin now had use of both her eyes was proof that she indeed had entered her own memories. To her adult mind the images were distorted and too real, to be seeing with both eyes was too alien for her...not as if entering and experiencing her own memories wasn't alien enough. Once again her actions were all controlled for her, as they had been earlier. As her child-like body stretched and lazed about in bed Fujin thought it made sense that she could not control herself, after all these were just memories and she could not change them in anyway. She was simply an audience to the drama, or tragedy, of her young life.
"Fujin! Aren't you awake yet sweetie?" came a pleasant voice from down the hall. If Fujin had been in control of her body her heart would have jumped to her throat. It was her mother's voice! Fujin giggled, something she hadn't been able to do in quite a while, and hid underneath the covers of her tiny bed. Fujin felt a giddy, childish anticipation blossom as she hid under the sheets.
"Well my my!" her mother exclaimed as she entered the room. "Fujin has up and left me all alone, and expects me to make up her bed for her!" Fujin felt herself stifle another giggle upon hearing her mother's surprise. "Well, I guess I have to do it for her don't I? Can't just leave the bed like this." Her mother sighed dramatically and began to tug and straighten the sheets. "Oh no!" she gasped as the outline of her daughter's body became apparent. "There is a huge lump in the sheets!" her mother poked Fujin in the side, which prompted the young girl to laugh out loud and squirm. "It's alive!" her mother screamed in mock fright. "I always knew there was something weird about this bed. Well," she began as Fujin fell silent. "the only way to get rid of a living bed lump is to..." she paused for dramatic effect. "tickle it away!" With that the full grown woman let loose a tickle attack of epic proportions. Fujin practically flew from the bed in her excited effort to escape the tickling madwoman and was chased laughing and squealing about the room until both mother and daughter collapsed exhausted on the upset bed. Fujin crawled into her mother's lap and allowed her hair to be brushed free of tangles.
"Did you really think I was a lump mommy?" The innocent girl asked.
The woman favored her daughter with a loving kiss on the forehead. "I wasn't so sure sweetie. Young girls are remarkably good at pretending to be bed lumps you know. I had to poke you to be sure it was you."
"I was that good?"
"Yes you were my dear." Her mother replied.
"Could I be an actress when I grow up if I get real good?" Fujin asked as she swung her feet in the air idly.
"You can be anything you want Fujin."
"Anything?"
"Of course, it'll mean hard work sometimes though." Her mother warned gently.
"I can work hard! I'm tough!" Fujin flexed her mini-muscles to the amusement of her mother.
"Of course you can." Her mother placed the brush down and set Fujin on the floor. "What do you want for breakfast?" she asked as she began to make the bed.
"Smiley pancakes!" The girl answered without hesitation.
"You always want smiley cakes! Why don't you try something else for a change Fujin?" her mother bent to tuck in the far end of the bed.
"Because you make good smiley cakes, and they're my favorite." Fujin replied.
"Very well." Her mother straightened and stroked Fujin's hair. "Smiley pancakes it is then."
Fujin smiled up into her mother's eyes. This was the way most days had started for her. Her mother ran a happy household with just the two of them. As her younger self followed her mother to the kitchen, the older version was practically overwhelmed with the familiar sights of her old house. She remembered the detail in everything that existed in her house, the bump in the travel worn rug, the scent of sandalwood and lavender wafting from the slightly open linen closet. Everything was just as she remembered it, including the warm sound of her mother's voice as she directed Fujin in mixing the pancake batter. Everything was going fine until a knock from the door injected itself into their world. Her mother frowned, a would-be rare occurrence had Fujin not realized the direction this memory was taking, and answered the door.
"Yohiko." Came a deep male tenor as the door swung open. "It's..." From there the memory froze, as if time stopped suddenly and Fujin's vision began to blur white and she was quickly whisked off to another memory.
This time Fujin and her mother were out sitting on the porch of their small house. It was evening and the sun was painting the sky spectacular colors as it retired for the night. It was a beautiful scene as mother and daughter sang the sun to sleep, their voices almost equal in quality despite difference in age. Fujin recalled, as the older part of her listened, how much of a beautiful voice she had once had. Time and a hard life had destroyed her vocal cords and her true childhood dream of singing like her mother had been destroyed along with them.
She sat cross-legged at her mother's feet as they sang together. Her mother teaching her all the things she needed to know about singing, and how to add heart and love to even the most depressing of songs as they sat. The whole experience was short lived however, as Yohiko suddenly stopped singing. Fujin looked up to her mother in confusion then noticed her mother's line of sight. A man stood at the steps of the porch. He was tall, his muscles lean and sinewy through his tight shirt. His brown hair was cut short and spiked and a scar in the shape of an 'X' crossed the left side of his face. The most prominent feature about this man, however, was his eyes that were a deep, clear crimson. Just like Fujin's eyes, in fact he resembled the older version of Fujin aside from the different color hair. Or perhaps it was Fujin that resembled him.
"Yohiko," he began "we need to talk about my daughter..."
While Fujin was off in her own mind Quistis had been busy trying to wake the woman up. She had called Edea in for the woman's opinion on what was wrong with Fujin. The woman had, strangely, not seemed surprised at Fujin's condition. She had come in, taken Fujin's pulse, lain a hand on her forehead for a few minutes and uttered a few mumblings but that was it so far.
Edea looked up as she took her hand from Fujin's forehead. "Physically she is fine Quistis." She said calmly.
Quistis breathed a sigh of relief. "Then why won't she wake up?"
"Well, I believe her problem is centered within her mind. When I tried to enter her thoughts I was denied, and it has been quite sometime since I was denied access to anyone's mind." Edea looked thoughtful. "It must be a result of the trauma of losing her mother. Sometimes, in order to preserve sanity after something big like this happens, the body pulls the mind in on itself to allow time for the mind to adjust. She will wake up when she is ready." Edea rested a reassuring hand on Quistis' shoulder. "However in the mean time we must put her on an IV. We cannot have her getting malnourished."
"Yes, Edea." Quistis replied obediently, with a concerned glance to the prone woman on the couch.
The rest of the day was spent with Edea the two shared conversation and helped to make Fujin more comfortable until she decided to return to the land of the living. That night as Quistis made herself comfortable on the floor next to the couch she found she didn't feel as bad now as she had for the past few days. Talking with Edea had drastically soothed her frayed nerves and she felt more capable of caring for her fallen love. She gazed at Fujin for a moment before sending out a prayer to whatever deity saw fit to care and curling up to sleep.
Fujin could tell her time with the memories was coming to a close. The last couple of memories she had experienced involved her father much more, and they were quickly becoming less happy than previous memories. Almost a year had passed since Fujin had begun to relive her memories and she now saw things through the eyes of a five year old, and that five year old had seen a lot. She had seen her mother go from a beautiful happy woman, so a sad beaten wife who could not even walk around in her own house safely. It looked as though her mother had been through war, and in a sense she had. Fujin's father, who had no name other than 'Sir', had beaten the joy from her mother. It seemed to the older Fujin, as she watched in horror and anger, that her father resented and hated Yohiko because she had given birth to a girl instead of a boy. The day Fujin had been born he left in disgust and had not returned until that one day last year. Girls were weak he stressed on his return, girls couldn't do half the stuff a boy could. So to teach Yohiko a lesson for being stupid enough to bear a girl-child her father moved back in and used his fists to reinforce the lesson.
This current memory seemed to be one of the last, for it was marking the end of her stay with her mother. The five year old stood in the hallway in front of the door to her parent's bedroom watching her father berate her mother while he packed his clothes.
"Have no idea how to treat a man do you?" he yelled as he stuffed a shirt into a gym bag. "Not only do you give birth to a weak little girl, but you raise her to become a worthless sack of shit like you!"
Fujin wanted desperately to run in and tell her father not to say such mean things to her mother. Yohiko had been a wonderful parent thus far and Fujin could not have asked for a better life. The young child had no idea why her father would say such things to her mother. Yet, despite her need to correct her father's mistake Fujin had learned what would happen should she speak when not spoken too in her father's presence. She was too scared to do anything and so stood like a statue, simply watching the proceedings.
"I'm sorry I'm so weak as to have given birth to a girl, my love." Yohiko answered through obedient, but tightened lips.
"I'll bet you are." Her father replied as he finished packing and threw his bag to the floor next to Fujin. He turned and faced his wife, a patronizing almost sadistic grin on his face. "So I'll relieve you of your burden." Before Yohiko or Fujin could react, he grabbed Fujin's arm and pulled her into her room. Fujin screamed and kicked as he flung her onto the bed like a rag-doll and began to search the room.
"No! Please don't hurt her, my love." Yohiko cried as she tried to enter the room. "She's done nothing to you!"
"Don't you touch her!" Fujin's father said barring the woman's way. "As of now she is mine. You did a crap-ass job with raising her. If I can't have a boy, I'll at least salvage what I can out of the mess you've made." He pushed her back out into the hall and shoved a few handfuls of Fujin's clothing into her back pack and grabbed Fujin by the arm, shoving her out past her mother and into the living room.
"No please! Don't take her from me!" Fujin heard her mother beg through tears as she was forced from the house by her father's strong hands. "She's all I have."
"Shut up woman!" He yelled slapping her soundly and continued pushing a struggling crying Fujin further from the only place she loved and had been loved.
Her screams to be let go and returned to her mother fell upon the deaf ears of the evil man that was her father. She managed to escape his iron grip once as they passed the gate that held the white fence close. Fujin ran back to the sanctity of her mothers open arms and looked into her eyes one last time.
"Listen to me Fujin." He her mother said stroking her child's long hair. "From now on your life will be different, harder. I cannot help you anymore my dear. I will not be there to love and hug you when you when you most need it. So you must be strong daughter, never let that evil man make you forget your life here with me. Remember that I will always be with you, even if you can't see me."
From that moment the five-year old suddenly grew older. Fujin had complete understood her mother's words and a hardness rose into her crimson eyes. She nodded and wiped her eyes as her father came and tore Fujin from her mother. From then on Fujin did not cry, not even when that small house was no longer in sight, and other houses crowded in on her at her father's side.
The older Fujin who watched felt that her body must be crying at this moment. Ironically, despite the horror of what had gone on, Fujin felt that this was her most precious memory. It was the last image of her mother she owned, and it symbolized the point in her life when she had been set on the path to becoming the person she was today. She was positive that she would have lived a far different life if her father had not taken her away. Perhaps the life of a singer as her mother had been. Maybe even an actress as an innocent four year old had once dreamt of.
It hadn't taken her father long to tire of having a small child with him on the road. Fujin could feel something bad was going to happen when they stopped at a small village and her father bought her ice cream. Her father never spent money on her unless she truly needed something, like the occasional piece of bread. The cashier had given Fujin a look of pity as he passed her the shallow bowl of strawberry ice cream and blue plastic spoon. However, the look was lost on Fujin, who had seen it one time too many. She was busy trying to figure out what her father's angle was and why he would have bought her the treat. She hadn't taken one bite of the ice cream when they came to a stop at a small run down play ground, He smiled down at her and told her to sit on the merry-go-round and wait for him to return. She did not ask why because that was grounds for getting a sound smack, so she nodded and sat to wait.
Needless to say, her father did not return, and at the time Fujin could not blame him for wanting to abandon such a weak and pointless girl. As the young girl sat, watching her ice cream melt, the older Fujin began to feel disjointed from sharing in the memory. She realized that from here on is where her normal memories began to take over, and that her journey through her past was over. From here she knew that she had been placed in an orphanage, and life from there was history.
Slowly, her vision began to white out again as it had before, but this time her vision did not clear. Instead, Fujin's younger self appeared before her.
"You've seen all my," she paused. "our memories."
Fujin blinked confusedly. "Yes but, how was that supposed to help me? You just showed me all the things I didn't want to remember."
"Exactly!" the girl-Fujin replied with all the patience you would reserve for a particularly dumb student. "You were shown the memories of your mother and of your past, the things you did not want to see. Regardless of whether or not you wanted to see them you had to. You had to come past those barriers you put up and experience them again. Now you have what you need to decide where to go now."
"What do you mean?"
"You're at a cross-roads Fujin. The death of your mother came as such a shock that you were forced to remember and experience all of the memories involving your mother. Now you can choose if you will return to the world and have the ability to face your pain and let those who love you help you." Images of Quistis and all those she had become friends with flickered to life. "Or you can stay here with your memories, and relive them for the rest of your days." Her younger counterpart fell silent as Fujin contemplated what to do.
Her mother had told her to be strong, and facing the pain of her loss would be being strong. Her mother had known they would never see each other again, and so had known those last words may offer her some guidance in the future. Aside from the memory of her mother, Fujin felt a sudden overwhelming need to go back to the world. Quistis must be worried sick about her, who was she to make her worry so? Dozens more reasons began to fill her mind as Fujin thought, each reason was given an image until Fujin was looking at a huge mosaic of faces, emotions, and responsibilities. She got the distinct impression that her mother would be very offended if Fujin gave all this up simply because she was no longer physically on the earth.
"Take me back." Fujin said with a smile.
"Thought you'd never ask." The younger replied her image flickering and fading until she was gone. White faded to black and for a time Fujin lost track of where she was.
By the time Fujin could remember who and where she was it was late. The sun had set long ago and the living room was dark, she could barely make out the shape of the table through the darkness and her blurry eyes. She reached over and switched on a lamp and looked around, the living room looked the same, although the table was messy. Cups and idle pieces of paper littered the entire table except one corner which housed the metal box she had gotten from Edea. She reached out to it with her other hand but when she moved she winced as something painful tugged at her skin. An IV needle was buried in her hand, and she wasted no time in removing it herself. "They must have worried I might not wake up for awhile." Fujin thought as she stiffly sat upright. "Quistis must have..." suddenly she wondered where Quistis was. Frantically Fujin swung her legs to the floor and looked around again. She spied Quistis curled up in an arm chair and struggled to her feet. Making her way across the room exhausted her, and Fujin wondered exactly how long she had been out of it. She collapsed on the floor in front of the chair and tugged weakly at the blanket covering the blonde.
"Please wake up."
* * *
Imagine my surprise, my dear, when I woke up and found you at my feet. I don't believe I've ever been happier than when I realized that you were okay. You seemed content in away, as if something important had happened to you while you were away. The loss of your mother held no less pain, but still there was something whole and more complete about you.
When you were ready you, we opened the box and found all of the drawings, photos and letters about your mother. I can see now where you get your beauty. She was an extraordinary woman, just like you. I know that even now you make her proud. I know you still hurt when you think about her, and looking at the pictures you had drawn as a child make your throat catch, but I am here to help heal you just as you healed me. I promise to love you just as she did, though I could ever take her place and I would never want to. Together we will preserve her memory and look to the future to make memories of our own and have stories to tell when we meet her again.
I never really imagined that I could feel this way about anyone, ever again. There were times when I was beat down and I considered never getting up again. Yet I persisted, and hoped that I had misconceptions on life; prayed with all my heart that I would one day wake up and realize that I had not suffered in vain. In your hands my wounds were made better and your smile, god your lips, healed me. You healed me over and over until even my scars were no longer visible. No more battle wounds, or stories to tell, all because of you.
So after all this, I thought that you my platinum haired beauty, my angel, my savior would be the last one to say those horrible words. Say those three horrible words that sliced through old and familiar cuts that you had so painstakingly erased.
"I DON'T CARE."
What the fuck kinda shit is that!
"I DON'T CARE."
* * *
"So how did you like the play sweetie?" Quistis asked as she walked arm-in- arm with Fujin.
"NOT BAD." Fujin replied. "SAD ENDING, SHE WAITED FOR NOTHING."
"I know, made me glad that I had someone to hold on to while I was there." Quistis smiled and nibbled Fujin's ear as the other woman keyed into their suite.
"NOT START..." Fujin grinned pulling Quistis into the well furnished living room and shutting the door. "IS LATE." She took off her dress coat, helped Quistis out of hers and hung both up.
"Point being?" Quistis questioned and locked the door. "It's not as if the time of night ever stopped you when you wanted some." Fujin gave a throaty chuckle and went back into the bed room. Quistis cracked her knuckles and skipped after her.
"Come on." Quistis urged as she unzipped Fujin's dress for her and turned to allow Fujin to do the same. "You can't wear a sexy dress and expect me to not react to it."
"YOU'RE IDEA." Fujin replied and unzipped the back of Quistis' dress. "WANTED TUX."
Quistis rolled her eyes and pushed a half-naked Fujin down unto the bed. "Gimmie a break. I'm not letting you hide your gorgeous body like that." Quistis reinforced her words with a kiss and a warm caress.
"STARTING..." Fujin warned even as she returned the kiss.
"Oh hush." Quistis whispered.
* * *
The next morning Quistis awoke feeling as though she were glowing inside. She blinked and looked around the room and came to the conclusion that things looked different. With a start she realized that the room looked different because she was sideways in the bed. Grinning she peeled back some of the covers to see that it was indeed Fujin's head resting on her stomach. So that ruled out making her breakfast in bed, Fujin was a light sleeper and Quistis was content to remain still and enjoy the perfect morning. Still though, she could not resist running a hand through Fujin's hair; the motion as all that was needed to rouse the crimson eyed warrior. Fujin blinked sleepily and looked up into Quistis' eyes.
"Good morning love." Quistis greeted.
Fujin smiled sweetly. "HAD TO START. NOW AM SIDEWAYS IN BED."
Quistis giggled. "Don't sound so perturbed. You could have ignored me." Fujin gave her an incredulous look and pushed herself up so she was level with Quistis.
"COULD NEVER IGNORE YOU." Fujin nuzzled her gently.
"I'm glad." They were silent for a moment. "But for someone who was against the whole thing you didn't put up much of a fight.
"DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS." With that Fujin climbed out of bed and took the spread and all the sheets with her leaving Quistis completely open and exposed on the bed.
"Hey! Bring those back, it's chilly without the covers!" Quistis pouted and curled into a ball.
Fujin looked at her for a moment then grinned. "SO I SEE." She balled up the covers and tossed them at Quistis, who caught them and placed them on the bed. "SHOWER. JOIN?"
"Of course, not like I wouldn't have had you not asked."
The two women happily showered together and got dressed slowly to enjoy the fact that neither had anything important to do all day.
Quistis went into the kitchen and began making a breakfast of scrambled eggs and bacon while Fujin checked the mail. Quistis smiled serenely as she watched the eggs, things had been this perfect for sometime now, and she was beginning to think it would last for ever. The door shut signaling that Fujin was back with the mail.
"We get anything Fuu?" she called.
"BILL...SOMETHING FOR ME..." The way Fujin trailed off made a cold chill go up Quistis' spine.
"From who dear?"
"...HOME..." she replied after some hesitation.
Quistis went out into the living room. Fujin was perched atop the arm of the couch staring at the envelope clasped between her hands. She did not look up from the address.
"You sure?" Quistis knew very little about Fujin's past, just that the woman hated discussing it and so she did not press the painful memories.
"QUITE." Fujin finally looked up, her face was stone for a moment before brightening with a smile. "WILL READ AFTER BREAKFAST." Quistis frowned, but nodded and went to get out the plates.
Breakfast went as well as always in the small suite. Each woman taking turns feeding the other. Fujin making odd airplane noises as she held the fork for Quistis, and Quistis choking on her food as she tried not to laugh. Life continued to treat the two women well, until it was time for that letter to be opened.
Quistis was in the kitchen washing the dishes when she heard the sound of someone falling and a lamp tumbling to the floor.
"Fuu, are you okay?" Fearing any number of things Quistis raced out into the living room.
Fujin was on the floor clutching the edge of the end table next to the couch. The fallen lamp shone a bright circle of light unto the wall, casting Fujin's trembling silhouette. She did not answer the question, her arm stuck frozen in front of her, her fingers clutching the paper as though it were made of spun sugar. The look of horror and disbelief that masked Fujin's face is what stressed Quistis the most.
"Fuu...?" Quistis knelt next to her love, unsure of what to do. "Fuu...what does it..."
"My mother..." she rasped quietly. Quistis frantically tried to recall if Fujin ever mentioned her mother and no instance could come to mind.
"What happened sweetie?"
Fujin faced her, her sudden and seemingly overwhelming pain flowing into Quistis mind. "She is dead." The silver haired woman crumpled the paper and fled the suite leaving a stunned and confused Quistis behind.
"Her mother?" Quistis thought to herself as she righted the fallen lamp and straightened the end table. "I had no idea..... She never mentions her so I guess I just assumed that her mother had died a long time ago. Like mine." Quistis looked worriedly at the door. "I suppose I should just leave her be for now. Having me around the whole time might only make this worse."
Silently, Quistis retrieved the crumpled paper and smoothed out the creases to the best of her ability. She read the solemn words to herself in attempt to understand exactly what was going on. The letter stated:
To Whom It May Concern:
We regret to inform you of the passing of your mother, Yohiko Kazeno. The enclosed item is all that has not been repossessed by the state. We truly regret having lost one as valued as your mother and wish to offer our deepest condolences for her passing.
Signed, Mayor Robert Delano
Quistis sighed and laid the battered letter aside. This was big; Fujin's mother was dead. While Fujin almost never mentioned her life before the orphanage it always seemed to Quistis that there was a mixture of sadness and joy in her eye when she did. Quistis tried to think of how she would be feeling right now if she knew that her mother had died. Well, she did know, but Fujin was only hit with the news just now. Quistis had no idea of how to handle such a situation because she had been there so many years ago when her parents ceased to live. She bit her lip and reached for the envelope, the letter had said something about an item.
She held the envelope sideways and a small ordinary key slid out into the palm of her hand. She frowned and turned it about. "Some compensation for the death of a loved one." She thought. "It must mean more to Fujin than it does to me." Quistis put both the letter and the key back into the envelope and left it on Fujin's dresser.
What time was it?
Quistis checked the clock; their breakfast had really been more of a lunch so the clock read 2:30 in the afternoon. There was nothing to do in Fujin's absence, and Quistis did not really want to leave the suite in case Fujin should return. It was obvious that Fujin was not ready to let Quistis in on that part of her life, and Quistis was okay with that. However, it would be heartless of her to go out and act as though she did not care. So Quistis settled herself on the couch and began to read.
* * *
Quistis had been asleep for awhile by the time Fujin returned. The woman was silent as she entered the room. She was slightly surprised to see Quistis asleep on the couch, the book print side down in her lap. Not wanting to disturb the other woman's rest, Fujin slipped into the bed room and froze as she saw the letter waiting for her on the bed. She scowled and threw it into the waster paper can, then tried to busy herself with organizing the items on her dresser. When she could no longer stand it, she growled to herself and rescued the letter from the waste bin. She inhaled sharply in attempt to stop the tears and held the damned precious letter to her heart. The key pressed firm into her bosom. She paused and took the key from the envelope, knuckles turning white as she gripped the cold metal. Warm fingers gently covered hers, and she flinched.
"It's just me sweetie." Quistis said worriedly. "Are you okay?" Fujin slowly shook her head no. "Dumb question huh?" Quistis tenderly brushed some of Fujin's platinum hair aside. "Early bed tonight?" Fujin nodded and turned to the bed and began to remove her pants. Quistis did the same as Fujin pulled back the clean sheets that they had changed that morning. That happy morning already seemed so far away to the both of them.
Quistis pulled the compliant Fujin closer as they settled themselves in bed. She did not ask Fujin about where she had been that day, or why she had just run away instead of allowing Quistis to at least offer her shoulder. It did sting that Fujin had not said a thing to her about it all, but Quistis felt as though she may not be the best suited to help Fujin through this. Although, Quistis desperately wanted to be there for her love, she also felt as though she should wait for some sort of permission from Fujin. Rhythmic breathing told Quistis that Fujin was already asleep. Quistis kissed the woman's forehead gently so as not to wake her and tried to float off to sleep as well.
The next morning Fujin was the first to wake up; she rubbed her bloodshot eye and pulled herself from Quistis' arms. She did not feel like being held right now, at least not by Quistis. She found she suddenly missed her mother and wanted to be held by no one but her. Of course those were obviously normal feelings, but Fujin was not prepared to deal with such rushes of emotion. Fujin carefully extracted herself from the bed and opened the cramped fingers of her left hand. She had clutched that cursed key all night and the ridges firmly imprinted on her palm. Fujin examined the key once again, she knew what it went to and she didn't want to open it now, especially now.
She sighed and pulled on the jeans from yesterday and a t-shirt, not exactly the height of fashion, but she found that she didn't really care. Fujin may not have wanted to open the box the key held shut, but she figured she may as well get it out of storage. The only one who knew where her old belongings were was Edea. Fujin raked a hand through her hair and glanced at the clock. 10:45 A.M. That meant Edea had been up since a few hours ago, and oddly enough Fujin knew exactly where she was. She pocketed the key and gave Quistis a good-bye stare before leaving their suite without shoes.
Fuck shoes. She never used to wear them when she was little, in memory of her mother she would not wear them now. That thought seemed odd to Fujin as she made her way to the elevator. "Not wearing shoes in honor of my mother. How appropriate ... who cares." She stopped in front of the elevator and frowned at the array of buttons for each floor. Edea's new office had been converted from NORG's old chamber so she slammed a fist down on Basement Floor 1 and stepped into the waiting elevator.
Usually Fujin did her best to avoid the willowy sorceress, things were never right between them after the whole thing with Seifer and the war. Seeing the other woman made Fujin remember the past and all the horrible things she had not wanted to do but had done anyway. Bearing this in mind Fujin figured she should be nervous if not fidgety, however she felt nothing. All she desired was the box and Edea was simply the current keeper of the box. The elevator came to a smooth stop and the door slid open silently, allowing Fujin to enter Edea's new office. She quickly realized that she had never been in Edea's office as she never had the need or desire to be anywhere near the woman. What she called an office seemed to be more of a lair. While the NORG's presence no longer hung in the air an under current of magic and almost mysticism had taken root. While the room no longer frightened her, as she had not been able to admit, it did intimidate her somewhat.
Fujin frowned slightly as she came upon Edea's 'desk'. It was not so much a desk as an enormous pile of pillows with a small low-set Japanese table set in the center of it. Yet it was not the odd choice of office furniture that made Fujin frown, honestly the whole thing seemed to go perfectly with the strange décor, it was the fact that Edea was facing her and had not said a single word upon her sudden and unexpected entrance. At least Fujin thought it was unexpected, you could never tell with Edea. As Fujin drew closer to the mysteriously quiet woman she saw that Edea had her eyes closed, and seemed to be meditating. She shrugged and stood in front of the pile of pillows until Edea's eyes flickered once and slowly drew themselves open.
"Ah, good morning Fujin." She greeted. No smile adorned her face as she spoke, yet she looked neither angry nor upset at the fact that Fujin had disturbed her meditation. "I am so sorry about your mother my dear."
Fujin scowled angrily but held her emotions in check. "THEN KNOW WHY AM HERE."
"Yes I know why you're here." She reached under a few pillows and pulled out a thick metal box that was closed tightly with a padlock. "I got it out of storage just for you. I knew you would be here for it. To tell the truth I had expected you a bit sooner. You must have taken it harder than I thought you would."
"ENOUGH! GIVE BOX."
"She felt nothing, in case you wanted to know. I detected no pain on her soul, nothing but happiness and motherly worry for you Fujin."
"SILENCE! NOT HEAR ABOUT MOTHER AND DEATH." Fujin took a breath. "SHE PROMISED THINGS. COULD NOT DIE. WOULD BREAK PROMISE."
Edea smiled and leaned forward to place the box on the table separating her from Fujin. "She never broke those promises dear girl, but it takes some understanding to see that. Think about that will you, and spare more heartache."
Fujin snatched the box from the table, the sharp metal edge leaving a long scratch mark. She didn't so much as glance back as she practically ran from Edea's 'office'. "Sure I left a huge scratch on that wonderfully crafted table." She thought as she took the elevator back to the first floor. "I don't care. Why should I care anyway?"
The hardened warrior sniffed as she paused in front of her door, would Quistis be awake when she went in? What would she say if Quistis asked her where she had been? Fujin shrugged to herself and entered the suite. She had nothing to explain to anyone, not Quistis and not Edea. She heard Quistis making herself some breakfast as she stood awkwardly in her own home. The entire place seemed alien to her, the loss of one she wished to make proud seemingly stripped everything of its importance. What did all she had accomplished matter if her mother was not here to see how well she had raised a daughter. The overwhelming sadness and hopelessness suddenly pulled at Fujin shoulders, she wanted nothing more than to curl up somewhere and never get up again. The couch looked to be safe enough for her depression, so she clutched the metal box to her chest and fell heavily unto the couch.
Fujin was staring at the blank TV screen which sat across from the cushy couch as Quistis exited the kitchen with a plate of toast in hand. The blonde woman looked from Fujin to the screen and blinked confusedly a few times before taking a bit out of her toast.
"It usually works better if you have the TV turned on." She commented amusedly and gestured with her toast. "Want me to turn it on?" Fujin said nothing, simply stared into space. A wave of concern rolled down Quistis' spine. "You want to talk?" Fujin glared at her to be quiet and sunk further into the couch. "I just want to help you." Quistis said quietly.
"I DON'T CARE!" Fujin yelled.
Silence settled until Quistis grabbed the remote and switched the TV on. "I'll be in the room if you need me." She said, allowing more hurt to creep into her voice than she had intended. There was no response to her hurt reply, only sullen silence. Quistis grimaced and stalked into the back room. Fujin barely noticed the door slamming shut.
* * *
The days following the fallout between Quistis and Fujin were some of the most silent days the two had ever spent together. Quistis mostly went about her day tending to her work related responsibilities and getting what Fujin needed but never asked for. She hadn't been to sure on what she should say to Squall when he questioned on why Fujin was unable to come in to work. So she simply said Fujin was not feeling well and was best serving the Garden at home on the couch. In fact, Fujin had not left the couch in weeks, except to relieve her self and occasionally change her clothes. The silver haired woman had fallen into a deep depression; she simply sat all day staring at the TV and clutching that strange metal box. Quistis doubted Fujin was actually watching whatever was happening on the screen as she very rarely blinked.
"To tell the truth". Quistis thought as she tackled not only her pile of paperwork but Fujin's as well. "She doesn't seem very aware of what is going on around her. I don't think she saw me watching her the other night."
The past night Quistis had tried to coax Fujin from the couch and into the bedroom with no success. She simply wanted Fujin to get a little sleep and restore her energy. Frustrated, Quistis had plopped down on the floor next to the armrest which supported Fujin's head. Quistis had found nothing in that single red eye as she delved deep into it as she had been wont to do before. Fujin's eye was an empty glass, nothing, not even the faintest spark shone through. Quistis shuddered as she remembered how intense that eye had once been. She wondered what could have muddied it so.
The object of Quistis' musing lay deeply imbedded in the couch's encompassing arms. The TV chattered incessantly in her background providing the only link from her mind to the real world. For Fujin had become a slave to her own memories. Her mother's voice crying out to never be forgotten rang constantly and almost drowned out the TV. She had been standing in this one place for quite sometime before it occurred to her that there maybe some worth to doing a bit of exploring. Taking the first step was quite hard; Fujin found that her muscles felt extremely stiff. Nevertheless, she plodded on about the strange place which seemed to be some sort of jungle. Trees she could never hope to identify sprang from the ground and towered above her offering her only a small glimpse of the sky, which was colored a deep purple.
As she walked along she realized that she was no longer in control of her feet. They carried her along a rocky and broken path which only seemed to vaguely frighten her. Fujin was not sure how long she had been following the path before she suddenly came upon what she felt were old ruins of an enormous building. Pipes and other assorted metal parts jutted out at odd angles from piled of stone rubble. In some places walls were still partially intact showing that the walls had been encased in some type of metal. All in all it seemed that mountains of metal and broken rock simply surrounded this almost desolate area. Fujin squinted and could see the faintest bit of light coming from deep within the center of the destroyed structure.
Just then a small sound hit her ears, a familiar wailing sound. A small child was crying, mournful sobs rose from the ruins and Fujin found her legs pushing forward in sudden need to be near that child. As she came around a large boulder, she spied a small barefoot little girl standing atop a blackened rock. The girls' grimy hands covered her eyes as she wept, the tears streaming down her cheeks and continuing in tracks down the girls' arms. Fujin knelt before the little girl and pulled her close in a motherly fashion. The girl threw her arms around Fujin's neck and Fujin smiled, cooed softly to the girl and stroked her stringy silver hair.
Silver? Silver Hair?
Fujin pulled the girl away from her and inhaled sharply. The girl looked exactly as she had at age four. What was going on?
"My sanctuary is gone." The younger Fujin said clearly with a slight accusatory tone. Fujin stuttered in shock but the girl continued talking. "That letter you read made it go away." She sniffed and wiped at her face. "Now I have to share."
"Share...?" Fujin jumped at the sound of her own voice, not rough and broken as it normally was.
"Don't look so surprised," the girl said. "You don't think in broken sentences...so why should you speak in them while you're here?"
"Where am I?" Fujin asked timidly, hoping her 'new' voice would last.
"Inside, with me." The child replied cryptically.
Fujin eyed the girl suspiciously and decided to change tactics. "What do you have to share?"
"My memories!" The girl wailed. "They're mine! You gave them to me, and now because of that letter I have to share them." The younger version of Fujin sniffed one more time and began to walk off in the direction of a path leading down towards the light. Fujin stood wondering exactly when she had given this girl anything and what all of this meant when she realized that she had lost sight of the girl.
"Wait!" she called out and ran to the path which took a sharp angle down into the craterous pit. The girl was already halfway down to the bright source of light. Fujin uttered a curse and began trying to pick her way down the torn, rocky path without breaking her neck. By the time Fujin had caught up to the younger copy of herself she was out of breath and had long since run out of patience. She glanced up at the almost solid wall of complete light with which she and the girl shared space before fixing the child with a glare.
"Who are you?" she growled at the girl.
The girl stared appraisingly at her for a moment before answering, her eyes taking on an almost timeless quality. "I am you." Fujin blink confusedly as the girl continued. "I'm a part of you actually. The part you created to keep safe all of the memories of your mother."
"You lie." Fujin hissed immediately.
"No, so precious and fragile were those memories you hid them away from yourself. You were afraid to live them and remember them for fear that you might somehow damage them." The words seemed so strange coming from a small child's mouth, yet Fujin knew she had no reason to doubt them.
"Where are we?"
"We are deep inside your subconscious. The sudden realization of your mother's death," Fujin winced. "Has pushed you into a deep trance-like depression. This was all I could do to save you." The child-Fujin said almost apologetically. "If I hadn't acted who knows what you would have done, you could have hurt yourself or gone crazy. Look at the way you treated Edea this morning." The wall of light flickered for a moment and the image of Fujin and Edea surfaced. Fujin heard her careless remarks to the other woman and winced.
"Why do you look like me as a child?" she questioned quietly as she pledged to apologize to Edea.
"This is the oldest form of yourself in all of the memories, and you felt this age was the best age for the keeper of your oldest memories." The girl answered impatiently.
"How? Why?" Fujin persisted.
"Are you going to whittle time away by asking questions? Or are you going to go further and answer them yourself?" the girl scolded. Fujin looked taken aback at being rebuked by a four year old. She took a deep and stepped forward into the light. Outside, the girl-Fujin sighed. "It's almost over for me." With one last look around the girl stepped in after the older version of herself.
Once within the light Fujin found herself being assaulted on all sides by this strange, almost living light. It penetrated her skin, blinded her and she could not help but squeeze her eyes shut against it. She fell in on herself, desperately trying to protect her unshielded mind and body from this attack on her senses. The child-Fujin came up behind her and gave her a soothing pat on the back.
"Your most pure and precious memories are kept here Fujin." She said. "You must let go of your fear and embrace your memories, or you will never return from here."
"I can't." Fujin rasped.
"You can and you will." The child-Fujin grasped the nape of Fujin's neck and held firmly.
Suddenly the light flew under Fujin's eyelids and her vision became white, it was too much and she began her descent to the ground. Her fall was cushioned by her younger self who looked on in pity as tears streamed from her creator's one working eye.
* * *
Slowly but surely, Fujin found that her vision was returning. The white light was receding and becoming color to her eyes. That fact that Fujin now had use of both her eyes was proof that she indeed had entered her own memories. To her adult mind the images were distorted and too real, to be seeing with both eyes was too alien for her...not as if entering and experiencing her own memories wasn't alien enough. Once again her actions were all controlled for her, as they had been earlier. As her child-like body stretched and lazed about in bed Fujin thought it made sense that she could not control herself, after all these were just memories and she could not change them in anyway. She was simply an audience to the drama, or tragedy, of her young life.
"Fujin! Aren't you awake yet sweetie?" came a pleasant voice from down the hall. If Fujin had been in control of her body her heart would have jumped to her throat. It was her mother's voice! Fujin giggled, something she hadn't been able to do in quite a while, and hid underneath the covers of her tiny bed. Fujin felt a giddy, childish anticipation blossom as she hid under the sheets.
"Well my my!" her mother exclaimed as she entered the room. "Fujin has up and left me all alone, and expects me to make up her bed for her!" Fujin felt herself stifle another giggle upon hearing her mother's surprise. "Well, I guess I have to do it for her don't I? Can't just leave the bed like this." Her mother sighed dramatically and began to tug and straighten the sheets. "Oh no!" she gasped as the outline of her daughter's body became apparent. "There is a huge lump in the sheets!" her mother poked Fujin in the side, which prompted the young girl to laugh out loud and squirm. "It's alive!" her mother screamed in mock fright. "I always knew there was something weird about this bed. Well," she began as Fujin fell silent. "the only way to get rid of a living bed lump is to..." she paused for dramatic effect. "tickle it away!" With that the full grown woman let loose a tickle attack of epic proportions. Fujin practically flew from the bed in her excited effort to escape the tickling madwoman and was chased laughing and squealing about the room until both mother and daughter collapsed exhausted on the upset bed. Fujin crawled into her mother's lap and allowed her hair to be brushed free of tangles.
"Did you really think I was a lump mommy?" The innocent girl asked.
The woman favored her daughter with a loving kiss on the forehead. "I wasn't so sure sweetie. Young girls are remarkably good at pretending to be bed lumps you know. I had to poke you to be sure it was you."
"I was that good?"
"Yes you were my dear." Her mother replied.
"Could I be an actress when I grow up if I get real good?" Fujin asked as she swung her feet in the air idly.
"You can be anything you want Fujin."
"Anything?"
"Of course, it'll mean hard work sometimes though." Her mother warned gently.
"I can work hard! I'm tough!" Fujin flexed her mini-muscles to the amusement of her mother.
"Of course you can." Her mother placed the brush down and set Fujin on the floor. "What do you want for breakfast?" she asked as she began to make the bed.
"Smiley pancakes!" The girl answered without hesitation.
"You always want smiley cakes! Why don't you try something else for a change Fujin?" her mother bent to tuck in the far end of the bed.
"Because you make good smiley cakes, and they're my favorite." Fujin replied.
"Very well." Her mother straightened and stroked Fujin's hair. "Smiley pancakes it is then."
Fujin smiled up into her mother's eyes. This was the way most days had started for her. Her mother ran a happy household with just the two of them. As her younger self followed her mother to the kitchen, the older version was practically overwhelmed with the familiar sights of her old house. She remembered the detail in everything that existed in her house, the bump in the travel worn rug, the scent of sandalwood and lavender wafting from the slightly open linen closet. Everything was just as she remembered it, including the warm sound of her mother's voice as she directed Fujin in mixing the pancake batter. Everything was going fine until a knock from the door injected itself into their world. Her mother frowned, a would-be rare occurrence had Fujin not realized the direction this memory was taking, and answered the door.
"Yohiko." Came a deep male tenor as the door swung open. "It's..." From there the memory froze, as if time stopped suddenly and Fujin's vision began to blur white and she was quickly whisked off to another memory.
This time Fujin and her mother were out sitting on the porch of their small house. It was evening and the sun was painting the sky spectacular colors as it retired for the night. It was a beautiful scene as mother and daughter sang the sun to sleep, their voices almost equal in quality despite difference in age. Fujin recalled, as the older part of her listened, how much of a beautiful voice she had once had. Time and a hard life had destroyed her vocal cords and her true childhood dream of singing like her mother had been destroyed along with them.
She sat cross-legged at her mother's feet as they sang together. Her mother teaching her all the things she needed to know about singing, and how to add heart and love to even the most depressing of songs as they sat. The whole experience was short lived however, as Yohiko suddenly stopped singing. Fujin looked up to her mother in confusion then noticed her mother's line of sight. A man stood at the steps of the porch. He was tall, his muscles lean and sinewy through his tight shirt. His brown hair was cut short and spiked and a scar in the shape of an 'X' crossed the left side of his face. The most prominent feature about this man, however, was his eyes that were a deep, clear crimson. Just like Fujin's eyes, in fact he resembled the older version of Fujin aside from the different color hair. Or perhaps it was Fujin that resembled him.
"Yohiko," he began "we need to talk about my daughter..."
While Fujin was off in her own mind Quistis had been busy trying to wake the woman up. She had called Edea in for the woman's opinion on what was wrong with Fujin. The woman had, strangely, not seemed surprised at Fujin's condition. She had come in, taken Fujin's pulse, lain a hand on her forehead for a few minutes and uttered a few mumblings but that was it so far.
Edea looked up as she took her hand from Fujin's forehead. "Physically she is fine Quistis." She said calmly.
Quistis breathed a sigh of relief. "Then why won't she wake up?"
"Well, I believe her problem is centered within her mind. When I tried to enter her thoughts I was denied, and it has been quite sometime since I was denied access to anyone's mind." Edea looked thoughtful. "It must be a result of the trauma of losing her mother. Sometimes, in order to preserve sanity after something big like this happens, the body pulls the mind in on itself to allow time for the mind to adjust. She will wake up when she is ready." Edea rested a reassuring hand on Quistis' shoulder. "However in the mean time we must put her on an IV. We cannot have her getting malnourished."
"Yes, Edea." Quistis replied obediently, with a concerned glance to the prone woman on the couch.
The rest of the day was spent with Edea the two shared conversation and helped to make Fujin more comfortable until she decided to return to the land of the living. That night as Quistis made herself comfortable on the floor next to the couch she found she didn't feel as bad now as she had for the past few days. Talking with Edea had drastically soothed her frayed nerves and she felt more capable of caring for her fallen love. She gazed at Fujin for a moment before sending out a prayer to whatever deity saw fit to care and curling up to sleep.
Fujin could tell her time with the memories was coming to a close. The last couple of memories she had experienced involved her father much more, and they were quickly becoming less happy than previous memories. Almost a year had passed since Fujin had begun to relive her memories and she now saw things through the eyes of a five year old, and that five year old had seen a lot. She had seen her mother go from a beautiful happy woman, so a sad beaten wife who could not even walk around in her own house safely. It looked as though her mother had been through war, and in a sense she had. Fujin's father, who had no name other than 'Sir', had beaten the joy from her mother. It seemed to the older Fujin, as she watched in horror and anger, that her father resented and hated Yohiko because she had given birth to a girl instead of a boy. The day Fujin had been born he left in disgust and had not returned until that one day last year. Girls were weak he stressed on his return, girls couldn't do half the stuff a boy could. So to teach Yohiko a lesson for being stupid enough to bear a girl-child her father moved back in and used his fists to reinforce the lesson.
This current memory seemed to be one of the last, for it was marking the end of her stay with her mother. The five year old stood in the hallway in front of the door to her parent's bedroom watching her father berate her mother while he packed his clothes.
"Have no idea how to treat a man do you?" he yelled as he stuffed a shirt into a gym bag. "Not only do you give birth to a weak little girl, but you raise her to become a worthless sack of shit like you!"
Fujin wanted desperately to run in and tell her father not to say such mean things to her mother. Yohiko had been a wonderful parent thus far and Fujin could not have asked for a better life. The young child had no idea why her father would say such things to her mother. Yet, despite her need to correct her father's mistake Fujin had learned what would happen should she speak when not spoken too in her father's presence. She was too scared to do anything and so stood like a statue, simply watching the proceedings.
"I'm sorry I'm so weak as to have given birth to a girl, my love." Yohiko answered through obedient, but tightened lips.
"I'll bet you are." Her father replied as he finished packing and threw his bag to the floor next to Fujin. He turned and faced his wife, a patronizing almost sadistic grin on his face. "So I'll relieve you of your burden." Before Yohiko or Fujin could react, he grabbed Fujin's arm and pulled her into her room. Fujin screamed and kicked as he flung her onto the bed like a rag-doll and began to search the room.
"No! Please don't hurt her, my love." Yohiko cried as she tried to enter the room. "She's done nothing to you!"
"Don't you touch her!" Fujin's father said barring the woman's way. "As of now she is mine. You did a crap-ass job with raising her. If I can't have a boy, I'll at least salvage what I can out of the mess you've made." He pushed her back out into the hall and shoved a few handfuls of Fujin's clothing into her back pack and grabbed Fujin by the arm, shoving her out past her mother and into the living room.
"No please! Don't take her from me!" Fujin heard her mother beg through tears as she was forced from the house by her father's strong hands. "She's all I have."
"Shut up woman!" He yelled slapping her soundly and continued pushing a struggling crying Fujin further from the only place she loved and had been loved.
Her screams to be let go and returned to her mother fell upon the deaf ears of the evil man that was her father. She managed to escape his iron grip once as they passed the gate that held the white fence close. Fujin ran back to the sanctity of her mothers open arms and looked into her eyes one last time.
"Listen to me Fujin." He her mother said stroking her child's long hair. "From now on your life will be different, harder. I cannot help you anymore my dear. I will not be there to love and hug you when you when you most need it. So you must be strong daughter, never let that evil man make you forget your life here with me. Remember that I will always be with you, even if you can't see me."
From that moment the five-year old suddenly grew older. Fujin had complete understood her mother's words and a hardness rose into her crimson eyes. She nodded and wiped her eyes as her father came and tore Fujin from her mother. From then on Fujin did not cry, not even when that small house was no longer in sight, and other houses crowded in on her at her father's side.
The older Fujin who watched felt that her body must be crying at this moment. Ironically, despite the horror of what had gone on, Fujin felt that this was her most precious memory. It was the last image of her mother she owned, and it symbolized the point in her life when she had been set on the path to becoming the person she was today. She was positive that she would have lived a far different life if her father had not taken her away. Perhaps the life of a singer as her mother had been. Maybe even an actress as an innocent four year old had once dreamt of.
It hadn't taken her father long to tire of having a small child with him on the road. Fujin could feel something bad was going to happen when they stopped at a small village and her father bought her ice cream. Her father never spent money on her unless she truly needed something, like the occasional piece of bread. The cashier had given Fujin a look of pity as he passed her the shallow bowl of strawberry ice cream and blue plastic spoon. However, the look was lost on Fujin, who had seen it one time too many. She was busy trying to figure out what her father's angle was and why he would have bought her the treat. She hadn't taken one bite of the ice cream when they came to a stop at a small run down play ground, He smiled down at her and told her to sit on the merry-go-round and wait for him to return. She did not ask why because that was grounds for getting a sound smack, so she nodded and sat to wait.
Needless to say, her father did not return, and at the time Fujin could not blame him for wanting to abandon such a weak and pointless girl. As the young girl sat, watching her ice cream melt, the older Fujin began to feel disjointed from sharing in the memory. She realized that from here on is where her normal memories began to take over, and that her journey through her past was over. From here she knew that she had been placed in an orphanage, and life from there was history.
Slowly, her vision began to white out again as it had before, but this time her vision did not clear. Instead, Fujin's younger self appeared before her.
"You've seen all my," she paused. "our memories."
Fujin blinked confusedly. "Yes but, how was that supposed to help me? You just showed me all the things I didn't want to remember."
"Exactly!" the girl-Fujin replied with all the patience you would reserve for a particularly dumb student. "You were shown the memories of your mother and of your past, the things you did not want to see. Regardless of whether or not you wanted to see them you had to. You had to come past those barriers you put up and experience them again. Now you have what you need to decide where to go now."
"What do you mean?"
"You're at a cross-roads Fujin. The death of your mother came as such a shock that you were forced to remember and experience all of the memories involving your mother. Now you can choose if you will return to the world and have the ability to face your pain and let those who love you help you." Images of Quistis and all those she had become friends with flickered to life. "Or you can stay here with your memories, and relive them for the rest of your days." Her younger counterpart fell silent as Fujin contemplated what to do.
Her mother had told her to be strong, and facing the pain of her loss would be being strong. Her mother had known they would never see each other again, and so had known those last words may offer her some guidance in the future. Aside from the memory of her mother, Fujin felt a sudden overwhelming need to go back to the world. Quistis must be worried sick about her, who was she to make her worry so? Dozens more reasons began to fill her mind as Fujin thought, each reason was given an image until Fujin was looking at a huge mosaic of faces, emotions, and responsibilities. She got the distinct impression that her mother would be very offended if Fujin gave all this up simply because she was no longer physically on the earth.
"Take me back." Fujin said with a smile.
"Thought you'd never ask." The younger replied her image flickering and fading until she was gone. White faded to black and for a time Fujin lost track of where she was.
By the time Fujin could remember who and where she was it was late. The sun had set long ago and the living room was dark, she could barely make out the shape of the table through the darkness and her blurry eyes. She reached over and switched on a lamp and looked around, the living room looked the same, although the table was messy. Cups and idle pieces of paper littered the entire table except one corner which housed the metal box she had gotten from Edea. She reached out to it with her other hand but when she moved she winced as something painful tugged at her skin. An IV needle was buried in her hand, and she wasted no time in removing it herself. "They must have worried I might not wake up for awhile." Fujin thought as she stiffly sat upright. "Quistis must have..." suddenly she wondered where Quistis was. Frantically Fujin swung her legs to the floor and looked around again. She spied Quistis curled up in an arm chair and struggled to her feet. Making her way across the room exhausted her, and Fujin wondered exactly how long she had been out of it. She collapsed on the floor in front of the chair and tugged weakly at the blanket covering the blonde.
"Please wake up."
* * *
Imagine my surprise, my dear, when I woke up and found you at my feet. I don't believe I've ever been happier than when I realized that you were okay. You seemed content in away, as if something important had happened to you while you were away. The loss of your mother held no less pain, but still there was something whole and more complete about you.
When you were ready you, we opened the box and found all of the drawings, photos and letters about your mother. I can see now where you get your beauty. She was an extraordinary woman, just like you. I know that even now you make her proud. I know you still hurt when you think about her, and looking at the pictures you had drawn as a child make your throat catch, but I am here to help heal you just as you healed me. I promise to love you just as she did, though I could ever take her place and I would never want to. Together we will preserve her memory and look to the future to make memories of our own and have stories to tell when we meet her again.