JUDY HARLOW AND THE BOOB WINDOW
By Oregano


INT. EMILY AND RICHARD'S RESIDENCE – DAY
EMILY GILMORE is on her sofa, talking to Lorelai on the phone.

EMILY
Judy Harlow just called me and she said that you refused to rent the inn out to her for her wedding.

LORELAI
What?


INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE – DAY (CONTINUOUS)
Lorelai can't believe it.

The crap begins.

LORELAI
I did no such thing, Mom!

The scenes switch from Lorelai at home with Emily at hers as they talk.

EMILY
Then why did she say this?

Emily puts a voice recorder to the phone and presses a button.

JUDY
(recorded)
Emily, Lorelai just told me I couldn't get married at the inn! She was terribly rude and—

LORELAI
Oh. My God. You actually recorded this?

Emily glares at the tape recorder and turns it in her hand.

EMILY
No, I accidentally pressed something on this contraption and it just started to make this whirring noise. The phone was on speaker mode and… I didn't mean to record my conversation, Lorelai. I'm not starring in Sliver, for God's sake.

LORELAI
But why do you have that contraption in pressing reach in the first place?

EMILY
I have no idea. The fact still stands that you've slighted poor Judy Harlow!

LORELAI
She is handsome, but not enough to tempt me!

EMILY
Lorelai, will you stop horsing around? The girl is so upset.

LORELAI
Mom, can you put that recorder up to your face and say, "horsing around" again?

EMILY
Lorelai I'm serious! You call that girl right now and apologise to her!

Lorelai is flabbergasted.

LORELAI
Excuse me?

EMILY
(beat)
She's driving me crazy, Lorelai. It's almost as if that horrid grandmother of yours was visiting! She's been calling me non-stop for the past hour and I am ready to set myself on fire.

LORELAI
What?! You love Judy!

EMILY
I'd rather eat your father's cigar ash! She's the clingiest little thing I've ever met! I thought she was out of our lives as soon as you—
(beat)
I mean, when you… separated yourself from Chilton.

LORELAI
Mom, you can say, "as soon as you got pregnant and ran away." I'm over it, and you should be, too. I think it's even safe to joke about it now.

EMILY
Get her to stop calling me, Lorelai!

LORELAI
Why don't you just tell her, "Hey, Judy, I know Lorelai rocks and she's cooler than you, but can you stop calling me?"

EMILY
I can't! That stupid girl's mother is one of the chair people in the DAR! I'll be—

LORELAI
Shunned by all the Daughters of the American Revolution as long as you live?

EMILY
In your crude words, yes.

LORELAI
That's why people don't like high society. I, ah, I'll try and figure something out.

EMILY
Please do!


INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE – DAY (CONTINUOUS)
Lorelai hangs up and sighs.

LORELAI
This is great, Judy. I hope you fall down and twist your nose!

RORY
Mom, Dean's coming over, okay?

LORELAI
He heard about your face?

RORY
(somber)
Yes.

LORELAI
I'm actually excited to the day when we can say, "Hey, Rory, remember that time when you ran into a tree and we had to cover your whole head with bandages?" like the pony story.

RORY
Why would you mention the pony story now?

LORELAI
Or the time when you closed the car door on your shirt and it ripped right above the boob?

RORY
Mom!

LORELAI
Oh, wait, that was me.

Someone knocks on the back door and Lorelai opens it to let DEAN inside.

DEAN
Hey.

LORELAI
Hey, mister.

DEAN
I brought you pie.

LORELAI
Oh, Dean rocks!

RORY
We love Dean!

LORELAI
Dean's the man!

RORY
Gimme my pie!

DEAN
So, why were you hanging out with the greenery today and not at the bus stop like we agreed?

Dean takes a seat next to Rory and starts cutting the pie.

RORY
I, uh, I met this friend and we got talking and then we lost track of time and then, you know, I saw my watch and, yeah…

DEAN
So you ran into a tree for me? That's sweet.

RORY
I know. It'll be your turn next time.

Suddenly Dog Rory comes into the kitchen.

Dean raises an eyebrow.

DEAN
This is new, right? I mean, I didn't overlook this dog for the past two years?

LORELAI
Oh, shoot! They forgot their dog!

DEAN
Whose dog is this?

Lorelai goes over to the phone and dials. Just as she is about to put the phone into her ear, someone KNOCKS at the front door.

Lorelai disappears for a moment to get the door and comes back into the kitchen with Jess trailing behind her.

JESS
Let's go, Rory.

DEAN
She's not going anywhere with you, Jess.

Jess smiles, not missing a beat.

RORY
Dean, it's—

JESS
She can go anywhere she wants, the fact still stands that she's practically my dog.

DEAN
What?!

Jess's smile grows wider.

DEAN
You ass.

RORY
No, Dean, Jess meant the dog! The dog's name is Rory, too!

She glares at Jess, who raises his hands up defensively.

JESS
Hey, it's not my fault Dean here's waltzing backwards.

RORY
Jess, can you just take the dog and go?

Jess looks at Rory and smirks. He takes Dog Rory by the collar and leads it out the back door.

JESS
Bye, kids.


EXT. GILMORE RESIDENCE
Luke is waiting in front of the house. Once Jess is outside with Dog Rory, he looks at him warily and crosses his arms in front of himself.

LUKE
You did it to Dean, didn't you?

JESS
I don't know what you're talking about.

LUKE
You just had to do it.

JESS
He was basically asking for it.

LUKE
One of these days, he's just going to, without warning, raise his foot and step on you.

JESS
I'll keep that in mind, and a really big feather in my pocket so I can just tickle my way out.

LUKE
You're impossible.

JESS
That's what I'm known for.


INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE
Dean looks at where Jess has just exited and sits back down.

Lorelai comes over and offers him a soda.

DEAN
He has a dog named after you now?

LORELAI
Mucho creepy, if you ask me.

RORY
It's not creepy! He was just being Jess, naming me after a wild beast.

DEAN
Rory, that was a St. Bernard, not… Old Yeller, when, you know, he went bonkers.

RORY
It's nothing, alright? Just forget about the dog for one second because I really don't enjoy frowning when my face is bruised. It's painful and not helping any.

Dean sighs and nods. He gets up.

RORY
Where are you going?

DEAN
I have some stuff to do at home. Homework. I guess I'll just call you later.

RORY
Dean…

DEAN
No, it's okay, Rory, I'll see you tomorrow. Put some steak on that thing and you'll be fine.

He gives her a small kiss and exits.

Lorelai sits on the chair that Dean has just vacated.

LORELAI
That went well.

RORY
Stupid Jess! I wish he was the one who ran into a tree!


EXT. SIDEWALK
Luke and Jess are walking back to the diner, with Dog Rory following behind.

Suddenly the dog breaks into a run, nearly making Luke topple over.

LUKE
Gah! Stupid dog!

JESS
Where the hell is it going?

They both stare OC.

We hear a car HONK and a loud SCREECH.

Luke and Jess stand stunned, still staring OC.

LUKE
That's very weird.

JESS
It's like he wanted to die.

LUKE
A suicidal dog.

JESS
Why didn't you go after it?!

LUKE
What?

JESS
The dog! It was running away, and you didn't do anything!

LUKE
Well, it was mainly the fact that he practically ran me over affected my balance and attention, and you weren't in any hurry to run after it, either!

JESS
So what now?

LUKE
It was your dog.


EXT. INDEPENDENCE INN – A FEW DAYS LATER
Judy Harlow is in a wedding dress and is walking down the aisle with a giant smile on her face.

Lorelai and Michel stare after her from afar with disgust.

LORELAI
Evil, I tell you.

MICHEL
Manipulated you, used your mother, and got almost sixty per-cent off the whole cost for the place.

LORELAI
I wonder what fabric that dress is and how strong it is compared to steel. Because no man-made cloth can ever cover up her horns and tail as well as that dress.
(beat)
If she wasn't so unlikeable, I actually think I'd look up to her bargaining prowess.

We PAN LEFT and see Rory behind them, eating a cookie with a band-aid on the bridge of her nose.

She looks up.

RORY
I think they're almost done, Mom.


EXT. CRAP SHACK
Luke is standing in front of a small ditch with a rather sour expression. He puts his arms at his hips.

LUKE
I think that's deep enough, don't you think?

We see that he is actually talking to Jess, who is in the ditch, digging a hole. He straightens up.

JESS
Why don't you come over here and see? Bring the other shovel with you.

LUKE
It's fine, Jess.

Jess digs a bit more and finally stops.

JESS
That'll do.

Luke nods and pulls out a big crate that says "canned peaches" from behind a tree.

LUKE
I really with you hadn't named it Rory. Now it's going to be all weird burying a dog named after this girl we actually know.

JESS
Hey, I didn't expect for the dog to be bipolar with a hint of suicidal stupidity, okay?

They heave the box into the hole and start putting the dirt back on it.

Lorelai and Rory walk over, looking somber.

Luke and Jess finish burying the dog and the four of them stand in front of the small grave.

LORELAI
He was a good dog, for the few minutes I knew him.

RORY
He never did like me.

JESS
It was like Sylvia Plath reincarnated.

LUKE
Thanks for the space, Lorelai.

LORELAI
Hey, it was either here or our yard. And ghost dog in our yard? No thank you.

RORY
He was a brave soul, lingering for a few days.

LUKE
It wasn't brave, it was trying to creep us out.

RORY
What are you talking about?

LUKE
You didn't have to live with the wheezing and the panting and the immobility of this dog.

JESS
The nights were the worst.


EXT. INDEPENDENCE INN
The reception has started and everyone is having fun.

Michel looks on distastefully and leans towards a SERVER.

MICHEL
Release the swans.


FADE OUT.