UNDER THE INFLUENCE

Part 6

What Nick had called a gym was actually an all-purpose building tucked behind a Catholic church that had seen better days.  I left my car and walked to the building.

Some kids were scrubbing the front steps and others were hanging a banner that announced, DANCE AND DINNER TONIGHT.  They told me to go in and ask for the organizer, Ms. Sandburg.

The gym was actually a large square with high windows that would double as dining room that night.  They had simply pushed the few pieces of exercise equipment to a corner and had replaced them with several tables and chairs. 

An elderly lady (Ms. Sandburg?) was scolding a young woman who was wearing the clinic's signature silk t-shirt.  It wasn't Sara.   I decided to investigate.

I went down a hallway and tried several doors; I was about to try another, when she touched my arm.

"Grissom!  What's wrong?" she was startled.

"Nothing." I frowned, "Why?"

"Oh.  I thought you were here to investigate a crime or something."

"No, Sara. I came to see you."

"Oh." she glanced around, "I'm not really supposed to talk to anybody, Grissom," she said apologetically, "I'm sorry, Ms. Sandburg's very protective." She lifted a pot she was carrying "I'm taking the food to the kitchen…" she explained. "I'll hurry and come back, ok?"

I didn't wait for her.  I went to talk to Ms. Sandburg and, introducing myself as Dr. Mackenzie's good friend, Dr. Grissom, I offered my help.

**

Ms. Sandburg was upset because the young woman, Meredith, was refusing to do her part.  She'd simply sat on the floor and ignored everyone around her, ('she's angry because I didn't let her talk to a young man…') Ms. Sandburg whispered loudly.  I offered to replace her and an hour later I was still hanging paper flowers.  I was morosely wondering where to hang the last flower when Sara came to talk.

"Grissom, she tricked you into helping?"

"No, I offered." I replied. Then I looked around and lamented, "This reminds me of the Prom".

"Did you go to the Prom?" she was surprised.

"Not exactly. I refused to go and as punishment, they put me in charge of lights and the cleaning.  I had to be there from beginning to end." 

"Dr. Grissom!" gushed Ms. Sandburg, suddenly materializing behind Sara, "Thank you very much! Just in time too.  Our senior citizens are coming."

"Ms. Sandburg," I smiled, "is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Well... I don't know..." she hesitated.

"I'll need help with the dish washing," said Sara, "since Meredith bailed out."

"Oh, but I don't think Dr. Grissom..."

"Please," I said as charmingly as I could, "Call me Gil."

**

"'Please, call me Gil.'" Sara was mocking me as we went to the kitchen.

"Hey, it worked.  I can stay and you won't get in trouble."

"You're a master manipulator." she retorted.  That sounded like a reproach but before I could ask if it was, she pulled me to a side door.

"Let's stay here while they serve the food." She said, opening the door and leading me to a little patio.   Sara sat on a pile of bricks.

"So what's the deal with Meredith?" I asked

"Oh. You know." She said evasively.  She was being loyal to a fellow inmate and I respected that.

We were silent for a moment.  Suddenly Sara said,

"Calico drum

the grasshoppers come

the butterfly, beetle and bee

over the ground..." she paused.

"...around and round, with a hop and a bound." I finished.

"Ah, ha!" she laughed, "I knew it! You sent me that Edward Lear book, didn't you? Did you really think I'd believe Nick would give me that book?"

"What's wrong with it?" I replied morosely.  She was surprised.

"Nothing." She said "I loved it."

"What did Nick get you?" I asked before I could stop myself.  She looked at me closely but she wasn't surprised anymore.  She was smiling faintly.  I was going to say that I wasn't jealous but this time I held back.  I decided not to talk anymore until I'd planned it well.  I sighed.  I had made a decision and wanted to stick to it, but I could see that talking was going to be difficult. 

She sighed too.

"Come on." She said, standing up, "We have to wash some pots."

We entered the kitchen again and I lifted a pot that didn't look so dirty.

"Oh, good." I said, "It seems they were licked clean" She made a face.

"Ugh. Saliva."

"I'll wash, you dry." I said gallantly and she smiled.  She opened a plastic bag and took out some gloves and plastic aprons.  She handed me the gloves and helped me with the apron.   I returned the favor.

"I've missed you." I said as I tied her apron. She looked at me for a moment.

"I liked your visits." she relented.

"I would have found the time to visit, Sara.  It wasn't a burden."

"I knew that. I hoped you'd come now and again." she said, putting a pot in the soapy water, "But I needed to prepare myself for the world outside." She looked at me and realized that I didn't understand. "I mean, there you were giving me all your attention and I... I needed to start each day knowing that you wouldn't be there; I needed to accept the fact that you wouldn't be there."

"But why Nick?"

"I've been unkind to him many times.  I wanted to apologize first of all." She explained, handing me a pot to scrub, "And he took over my cases.  I needed to know what he'd done so far."

I was visibly surprised to hear her talk about work and she shrugged.

"I miss the lab. I miss the people, the place, even the smells."

"We've all missed you too, Sara.  It's been too long without you."

She didn't say anything; she handed me another pot and put the rest to soak.

"Will you take me back?" she asked after a moment.

"I will, Sara.  If you are sure that you want to go back."

"I am.  I can't say I won't be overwhelmed by the cases, but I can manage my stress now.  I can even..."

The arrival of kids with some stacks of dirty dishes interrupted her. She looked at me.

"You'll dry this time."

We worked together very well.  We didn't even have to talk much.  It was the first time in a long time that our silence didn't feel like a reproach. 

Was I going to disturb that perfect harmony by telling her how I felt?

**

Music was louder now.

"Hey," she said, "The dancing's started!  Let's hurry; I want to see it."

Her enthusiasm surprised me.

"You must have enjoyed your prom, Sara."

"Me? Oh, no. No, I didn't go."

"Too cool to go, huh?" I teased her.

"It seemed silly." She shrugged. "You put on a dress and hope that a kid will take you dancing and then somewhere else to get drunk, and…" she flushed.

"Yes, some of them got drunk." I admitted.

"Did you ever go?"

"No. Dancing was out of my league." I explained and I suddenly remembered that I'd been asked to go by a girl… and I said no. I was too scared.  "But I liked to watch the rituals involved." I smiled.

She helped me dry the last dishes. She was thoughtful for a while.

"Actually…" she began. "I think that… deep down I did want to go."

"Had a crush on someone?" I asked gently.

"Yeah, like all teens.  But it wasn't just that.  The prom is… a rite of passage, isn't it?"

"I suppose. "

"We should all take part in these rituals." she said slowly, "Even if they turn out to be mistakes, we learn from them and then move on…If you don't experience that mistake as a young person, you'll make it as an adult and then it isn't so cute, is it?" she seemed to be thinking aloud, "Or you keep avoiding the experience in order to avoid the mistake and in the end you're not experiencing life at all."

She wasn't talking about the Prom anymore.  I looked at her over the stacks of clean dishes, thinking of all the experiences I'd missed because I'd been afraid.

"We need to grow up," Sara said suddenly, "We have to change… evolve…" she looked at me in the eye. "I'm grown up now, Grissom.  I won't be "a girl"  anymore. I'll work hard to win back your confidence but I need you to see me as your equal."

She took me by surprise, so I simply nodded, but I wondered what she meant by 'equal'. I had  always had confidence in her abilities, after all.  I tried to explain.

"I may have referred to you as a 'girl' but I wasn't patronizing you, Sara. It's just that you're younger.  And…" I paused for effect, "I'm very aware that you're a woman, believe me."

She blushed but didn't look at me until we finished and went to watch the old people –excuse me, senior citizens – dance.  To my surprise they were playing music from the 60s.

"This is depressing." I groaned, "They're dancing to songs I knew when they were new!"

"When was that? When records were carved in stone?" she joked and I scowled.

She smiled and continued watching.  She looked happy, and why not?  She had helped organize this and it had gone well.   

I sighed. I had already wasted hours waiting for the right moment to talk to her. Why was it so hard?  I'm usually clumsy with women, but I can be direct, as I was with Lady Heather…  But it wasn't the same, was it? After all, I had studied Heather's web site to know how to act around her.  I thought she would accept me, flawed as I am.  Ironically, she accepted my flaws, but not the one thing that I consider my only quality: My work as an investigator. 

But there were no books or websites on how to love Sara. 

That was the difference:  I loved Sara. 

There, I'd said it to myself and very clearly. Finally!

I held my breath, vowing not to exhale until I got the courage to tell her.  I think I was already turning blue when I turned to her. 

I didn't tell her that I loved her, though.

"Want to dance?"  I said loudly.

"Wha…? Oh, no. No, no, no, thanks." She said, vigorously shaking her head. "I'm so bad you wouldn't believe it."

"I'm bad too." I said and I grabbed her hand. "Come on.  Let's do it." I pulled her to a dark corner of the room. She still resisted me.

"Grissom, this isn't a good idea." She pleaded.

"Sara, please?  Let's try."  I smiled, "This is our Prom."

She hesitated a little and finally relented.

"All right.  Just remember I'm not wearing boots."

"Fine, fine… just follow my lead."  She let me position her left hand on my shoulder.  I placed my left hand flat on her back, leant a little and let our cheeks meet. "Ok."  I whispered.  I mentally counted along with the song and …moved.

Tonight you're mine completely

Give me your love so sweetly

…Will you still love me tomorrow?

"Hey, you've done this before?" she asked, pulling back a little.

"No, (1, 2, 3)" 

"How did you learn?"

"Web site, (1, 2, 3)"

"But have you practiced?" she insisted.

"No. (1, 2, 3)"

"Ouch!" she cringed.

"Uh, sorry, Sara.  Oh, sorry. (1, 2, 3)."

But by the third song, we weren't doing so bad and  we were more comfortable with the closeness too.   By the time they played, "Stand by Me" I didn't need to count anymore. I held her even closer.

"Isn't my beard bothering you?" I asked suddenly.

"It's ok." She said softly.

"Sara? I'm going to dip you." I warned.

"Oh, no. No, no, don't, Grissom! I swear, if you do that, I'll- Aaauurgh!" she moaned as I dipped her until her hair almost touched the floor.  Even in the dim light I could see her awed expression.  For a few seconds I pictured her like this, blushing, soft and pliant in my arms,  wide eyed, her lips parted in anticipation… I pictured her in my bed.  No, not mine, hers.  She'd feel more comfortable in her own room…

I brought her back up and she pretended to be angry but her smile betrayed her.

"You'll pay for this, Gil Grissom!"

"Oh, yeah?"  I challenged, "What are you going to do to me?"

"Nothing.  Your back will give you enough trouble tomorrow!"

The song ended but I didn't release her.  I held my breath again, but only for a moment.

"I need to tell you something."  I said.

***

We were back at the patio, but this time she didn't sit. We stood in the middle, under the stars… I hadn't released her hand.  I needed it for support.

"Sara, I have a confession to make."

"What is it?"

I still hesitated for a moment, but told myself that I wanted to do this.  I wanted… I wanted… I was selfish tonight.

"First of all, I'd like you to know that I admire what you've done. You're completing your treatment, Don says you're doing great-"

"Thank you." she said formally,

"I'd also like to apologize for not being the kind of friend you deserve." I said firmly and she looked down for a moment.  I continued; suddenly it was easier now that her gaze wasn't on me.

"You've always been honest and open, and... I haven't." I took a deep breath. "You see, I always thought I was self sufficient and independent. I thought I did well on my own.  I mean, I do well on my job but I not in my private life."

She didn't move; she seemed to be waiting for me to make a point.  It was going to be very difficult.

"When I was a kid I read fairy tales." I smiled sheepishly. "I escaped through them, but at the same time I was very aware of reality.  My own reality at least.  To me, love and happiness were the stuff fairy tales are made of.  Lovely to read but not real, and not within my reach.  I could dream and fantasize all I wanted, and I still do… What I mean is that all this time I thought I knew what real life was.  I lived like that for years and I was doing ok.  My personal life didn't interfere with my job and that was all that mattered until… a few years ago, when I started having troubles; I couldn't concentrate, I wasn't sleeping much, and I was a little depressed… I didn't look for help, of course. I simply added another job:  I began teaching Seminars. I thought traveling would be a diversion." I looked at her,. "And so one day I entered a classroom, just another classroom or so I thought,  and there I saw this girl… You.  You were hard to ignore, you know?  You were wearing a magenta blouse," I smiled fondly at my recollection, "And you kept firing up questions, and… Well… I'd never met anyone like you.  You were so smart and fearless, Sara. And when you smiled." I closed my eyes, "That smile… just mesmerized me.  From that day on, you owned me." I heard her quick intake of breath and felt her hand squeeze mine.  "I guess I fell in love then.  That first night." I took a deep breath, "I didn't know that… or didn't want to know.  But I kept in touch with you, which I'd never done before, and I tried to do things for you.  Things like getting you books that were out of print, or rare magazines. I helped you find another job instead of telling you to tough it up.  I kept hoping you'd need something, anything that I could get for you.  Any thing that kept me in touch with you.  And I never realized that all I wanted was to give you… myself."

When I finished, Sara tentatively put a hand on my shoulder.  I was barely aware of this.  I simply kept talking.  I felt as if something hard and heavy that I'd carried inside me was dissolving. 

"So that's my confession," I whispered, "I spent years telling myself that I was better off alone, when in fact I've been depending on you.  You saved me  from loneliness.  What I didn't understand until today is that relationships have to evolve to survive… I mean, I thought you'd always be there no matter what I did.  But today I realized for the first time that you might not need me anymore, and my first thought was 'What am I going to do now.  How can I go on without her.'  And I wished I could go back and start over and do all the things I didn't do when you asked me.  I was just so afraid I'd be clumsy and you'd be bored and just turn your back on me. Or worse, that I'd hurt you.  And it's awful because I hurt you anyway." I looked at her and noticed that she had tears in her eyes.  "And now I know that I have to grow up and change, and I want to but..." I took a deep breath. "It's hard."

"Yeah." she nodded, and she gently wiped the tears that I had shed without knowing. "But we have each other."

I closed my eyes and leant my forehead against hers, relieved.

"Yes," I nodded gratefully.  "We have each other."

"But don't change too much, Grissom." She smiled, "I like you already."

Oh, damn, what a wonderful woman… It was painful to think that I would have lost her-

"I'm sorry I didn't figure it out sooner." I said apologetically.

"We wouldn't have lasted a week back then." She said wisely, "There were so many things I didn't understand about me and about you, Grissom.  It'll be easier this time."

She slid her arms around me and I sighed, enjoying the closeness.  Sara's generosity was more that I deserved.  The least I could do was show her that I was willing to change.  I put my arms around her and held her a little closer.  We remained like that for a moment, getting used to new sensations.

"You know…" I lowered my voice, "There's something I've always wanted to do."

"What is that?" she asked breathlessly.

I nuzzled her cheek.

"There's a cute mole just below your ear…" I whispered. "I've always wanted to kiss you there." I did. She gasped softly as I brushed kisses on her neck. "There's another one here." I whispered and smiled when I heard a strange sound coming from her. "Sara Sidle, you're giggling!"

"No!" she was indignant. "Your damn beard's tickling me!"

"I'll shave it if you want." I teased.

"No." she said softly, "I love the feel of it." 

I happily kissed every inch of her face then,  –everywhere except her lips, and looked at her expectantly.  She looked into my eyes.

"I'm going to kiss you." She whispered. She grabbed the front of my shirt and slowly pushed me against a wall.  I smiled at her, letting her take the lead.  Her lips were soft against mine.  Sweet… tender…A delicious first kiss.  She pulled back for a moment and looked at my lips, as if she couldn't believe she'd kissed me. She smiled and leant for another kiss, and then another…and suddenly we didn't care that that we were more or less in a public place, and we were hungrily exploring each other, desperate for more…

"SARA!"  Ms. Sandburg's voice brought reality back to us.  "SARA, WE'RE LEAVING!"

We opened our eyes in a panic and Sara immediately pulled back.

"Got to go." She said regretfully.

"No.  No, don't." I pleaded,  "Not yet."

"Got to.  I have a curfew."

I held her back in my arms and kissed her neck again. She pulled away and she nervously wiped my lips, "Lipstick." She explained, not looking up.

"Leave it." I pleaded, "It's evidence that you kissed me.  If you erase it it'll feel like this was just another fantasy."

"It's not." She said softly. "It's real, Grissom. I love you."

"SARA!" Now it sounded angry and I really didn't want to get her in trouble.  I tried to comb her hair with my fingers. "Go. Run."

She nodded, but before she left, she blew a kiss in my direction.  I heard her calling out to Ms. Sandburg.

"There you are!" gushed Ms. Sandburg, "Sara, everything went well, thanks to you-"

I remained in the little patio for a while, trying to hold on to the memory of her in my arms, and her scent all around me. 

We kissed. We finally kissed…

I suddenly wanted to shout that I'd kissed Sara Sidle; that my Sara had kissed me and touched me… that I loved her.  Suddenly love and happiness were within my reach.

If my coworkers only saw me right now…

I smiled.  What would they say if I told them that Sara and me had just starred in our own version of a fairy tale?  That we danced and kissed, and at midnight –well, 11:30- she'd had to run?

Well, I didn't have a crystal shoe but I didn't need it to find her.

**

Two days later, I was reading a report when suddenly I had the feeling that someone was watching me.  I looked up and my heart began to jump in my chest.

"Hey." She smiled but I was a bit alarmed.

"Sara, what are you doing here?"

"I hid under the dirty clothes and escaped." She said lightly, but when she saw my expression, she hurriedly explained, "I have the evening free! It's one of my final tests,  Grissom.  I have to return sober."

I walked to her and hesitated; we were at the lab and we couldn't even shake hands without calling everybody's attention, but it felt awkward not to be able to touch her.

"I thought I'd say hi." She said, "I'm supposed come to work next Friday, but I thought-"

"Yes. Everybody will be happy to see you."

She nodded, looking at me expectantly.  I was a bit nervous.  I thought I'd see her on Friday, and I hadn't prepared anything yet. I didn't know how to be spontaneous.

"Are you busy, Grissom?"

"Yeah. I'm… you know, catching up with paperwork."

"I see." She said, still smiling. "Well.  I'll go and…" she paused, "talk to my coworkers."

"Yeah. Sure." I nodded, but at the last moment I decided to show her that I was already changing.  A little, at least.

"Hey, Sara?" I said and held my breath.

"Yeah." She turned.  I exhaled and hoped I'd say the right thing.

"I'd like you to have lunch with me on Friday." I said. "Anywhere you want.  Or I can cook something at your place."  Her place would be better.  "I've been checking out some vegetarian dishes."

"I'd like that." She said, smiling lovingly.  That smile was all I needed.

"And…" I paused, gathering some courage "I love you. You know that, right?"

Her lips parted but she didn't say anything for a long time.  She was so surprised. But when she spoke, it was just what I'd hoped to hear.

"Yes."

THE END

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