*** CONGRATULATIONS ***
You are now the proud owner of a THRANDUIL! Please follow the procedures detailed in this manual in order to use your King of Mirkwood to his full potential.
INSTALLATION
Upon receiving your THRANDUIL unit, knock once on the box. There should not be any answer, as your THRANDUIL was packed with a liberal supply of wine, most of which he should have consumed on the journey. However, if there is suddenly a rush of Sindarin curses, you should borrow some chloroform from a nearby ARAGORN owner and use it on your enraged unit.
Your THRANDUIL should arrive fully assembled and powered up. Please check that you have the right model.
(a) Mark I (copyright Tolkien) - canonical specifications
(b) Mark II (public property) - fanonical specifications
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATION
Name: Thranduil
Type: Elf, Sindarin extraction (male)
Manufacturers: Royal Greenwood Inc.
Date of production: First Age
Height: 180cm
Weight: Negligible
Weapon length: Not enough data available
Hair: Blonde
ACCESSORIES
Your THRANDUIL comes equipped with various useful appendages.
(a) Crown of berries for Spring
(b) Crown of berries for Summer
(c) Crown of berries for Autumn
(d) Crown of berries for Winter
(e) Thin sword
(f) Bow
(g) Quiver with arrows
(h) Ornately jewelled wine goblet
(i) Small pile of fine dwarvish treasure
(j) Bottle of blossom scented water
The THRANDUIL unit will be most attached to object (h), and should not ever be forcefully parted from it.
OPERATING PROCEDURES
Your THRANDUIL is user-friendly, with voice-controlled activation in Sindarin, Quenya and English.
Please keep in mind that your THRANDUIL has many useful functions besides tree climbing.
Bartending:
As an elf of Mirkwood, THRANDUIL is well experienced in creating interesting and thoroughly inebriating beverages. Ask him to flex this skill at your next party.
*** WARNING *** Watch that your model does not partake of his own drinks while engaged in this activity.
Charity-working:
Elves being a generous species, THRANDUIL cannot help but offer his aid to those in need, and is consequently a valuable asset to any charitable cause, particularly towards victims of arson. By applying the expression "Charity starts at home" to this ability, your THRANDUIL can be employed in many money-raising tasks for the domestic coffer.
*** NOTE *** This excludes the Mk II THRANDUIL, who is a greedy, self-centred megalomaniac that would never stoop to aid a fellow creature, be it Elf, Dwarf or Hobbit.
Pest control:
The elves of Mirkwood are remarkably adept at ridding the home of unwanted insects and other creepy-crawlies, and your THRANDUIL is no different. If flies, cockroaches, or more seriously, spiders, are invading your house, simply send in THRANDUIL and he will make gleeful work of squishing every last bug.
Household defence:
Your THRANDUIL is exceedingly good at fighting off persistent agents of unspeakable evil. Never again will you have to worry about taxmen, debt collectors, sales reps, or mother-in-laws.
CLEANING
As with most elves, your THRANDUIL should be resistant to much dirt. However, it is recommended you wash him at least twice a week, or more depending on the uses to which you put him. A hot shower will suffice, with lavender shampoo and body gel. Scrub vigorously until every pore is clear. Repeat if desired, and dry with a soft towel.
The THRANDUIL's hair requires careful upkeep. Brush twice every day, and braid for that unique Mirkwood Royalty style. Spray liberally with (j).
SECURITY
Please be aware of the dangers of taking your THRANDUIL unit out into the wide world:
Poachers are known to pray on Elves, particularly those of high social standing.
Well-meaning field scientists (SRDM, see textbook 1228142), wielding zip-up sleeping bags and band aids, may attempt to approach your THRANDUIL in order to study him and/or take him away for experimentation. A shotgun and verbal warning should suffice to deter these miscreants.
Lastly, confused screaming fangirls or their mothers may attempt to relieve you of your THRANDUIL. To prevent this, keep your model on a rein and carry pepper spray.
RECHARGING
Your THRANDUIL's energy levels will deplete after a time, in which case follow the procedures below:
Food:
This unit does not require as much refuelling as other models, particularly the HOBBIT units, but will benefit from regular administrations of lembas.
Drink:
To function properly, the THRANDUIL needs only plain water to remain hydrated. However, this particular model demands to be regularly intoxicated, and will often cease functioning in order to obtain a dosage of wine.
Sleep:
THRANDUIL needs little sleep, often sinking into a trance-like state. He feels most comfortable doing this in the perch of a tree.
COMPATABILITY
Depending on the model that you have bought, your THRANDUIL can react in two different ways to various other units.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Mark I ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Mark II
DWARVES ~ ~ ~ hostile ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ violent
LEGOLAS ~ ~ ~ loving ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ violent
CELEBORN ~ ~ friendly ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ hostile
GALADRIEL ~ friendly ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ hostile
ELROND ~ ~ ~ friendly ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ hostile
ARAGORN ~ ~ distant ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ violent
BILBO ~ ~ ~ ~ indulgent ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ aloof
GANDALF ~ ~ distant ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ hostile
RADAGAST ~ welcoming ~ ~ ~ ~ aloof
GOLLUM ~ ~ ~ disliking ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ hostile
SETTINGS
The Mk I THRANDUIL comes with three preset modes:
Royal Attitude - when set in this mode, your THRANDUIL will become assertive, stubborn and somewhat argumentative.
Family Instinct - in this mode, THRANDUIL acts fatherly to younger elves, lost animals, and small beings (except dwarves: see above), and trigger the 'Doting Husband©' programme towards you.
Gleeful Elfling - this mode will make your THRANDUIL sly, cheeky, fun-loving, and fond of merrymaking.
The Mk II THRANDUIL has only one setting:
Tyrant - no matter to what model he is interacting with, be it GALADRIEL or LEGOLAS, your THRANDUIL will be obnoxious and volatile to the point of temper tantrums.
FAQ
Q. Every evening my THRANDUIL wants to go out into the back garden with several bottles of red wine, light a fire and sing drinking songs under the light of the stars. This disturbs the neighbours, particularly those with DWARF models. What can I do?
A. This is an ingrained feature of the THRANDUIL model that cannot be removed. To temper it, you can try to cut down his celebrations to only three times a week by promising huge merrymaking out in the country. It is recommended you make good on this promise.
Q. When my friend visits, she brings her RADAGAST model with her. He and my THRANDUIL unit invariably get themselves into some sort of mischief; last time I had to reimburse my neighbour £500 when his prize homing pigeons were released. How can I curtail this trouble?
A. The THRANDUIL and RADAGAST models are a calamitous pair, but extraordinarily hard to part. Suggest to your friend that you meet away from the home, or alternatively distract your models with suitable objects (ie. trinkets for THRANDUIL; EAGLES for RADAGAST).
Q. Recently my THRANDUIL model has been moping around the house looking listless and depressed. What's wrong with him, and how can I cheer him up?
A. Your THRANDUIL is missing his family - both his wife and son have left him. In order to counterbalance this, you will need:
a bed
a feather
chocolate sauce
silk ties
a blindfold
If you do not feel up to this, consult your catalogue for a suitable MARY SUE model, but take note of the many warnings regarding these units.
Q. My THRANDUIL unit used to be kind, attentive and thoughtful, but has recently become increasingly defiant. What has gone wrong?
A. It can be one of two things. Either the settings on your Mk I THRANDUIL have been switched from Family Instinct or Gleeful Elfling to Royal Attitude, or someone has pinched your Mk I and left you with their Mk II. Rent an ARAGORN model and/or RANGER box set to do the tracking, take your shotgun and pepper spray, and "go hunt some orc".
Q. THRANDUIL has locked himself back in his box! Persistent pleas result only in maniacal laughter and the chinking sound of money. How do I get him to come out?
A. Promise him more treasure, and much more besides.
Q. My THRANDUIL has started packing his belongings and insists we relocate further north. What has caused this?
A. Ask around the neighbourhood to see if someone has recently purchased a NAZGÛL model. If so, the 'Flee From Amon Lanc™' programme has been activated in your THRANDUIL and there is little you can do to stop it. Try to compromise by building a hut at the bottom of the garden for your THRANDUIL.
TROUBLESHOOTING
Problem: Your THRANDUIL runs around the house in a fit of hyperness.
Solution: Keep coffee and all other caffeinated/sugary substances out of reach of any elves you own.
Problem: Your THRANDUIL persistently sneaks out of the house to stay at GALADRIEL's house.
Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a CELEBORN model. If this is not to your liking, please return CELEBORN to your place of purchase and receive the correct model THRANDUIL and a coupon towards a Mk I LEGOLAS model.
Problem: Your THRANDUIL is violent and vengeful, and often threatens to beat you senseless if you do not do exactly as he says.
Solution: If you bought a Mk II THRANDUIL (fanonical) then this is normal behaviour, and cannot be refunded or returned due to defect. However, if you bought a Mk I THRANDUIL (canonical), providing you have proof of purchase, you will be supplied with the correct version.
Problem: Your THRANDUIL occasionally broods in a dark tree, muttering gloomily about ELROND and/or GALADRIEL.
Solution: Remind him that he has managed to defend a larger realm than them with no fancy trinkets to help, and is therefore much better than his colleagues.
Problem: Your THRANDUIL has amassed an army of woodland elves and marched on a local stronghold of DWARVES.
Solution: The 'Battle of Five Armies™' programme has been activated. To abort, approach the owner(s) of the DWARVES and ask if they can share a little treasure with your THRANDUIL.
Problem: Your THRANDUIL has run out of wine and is eying your cellar thoughtfully.
Solution: Order more red wine with all due haste.
Problem: Your THRANDUIL has been approached by strangers with clipboards that call him 'Phoebus'.
Solution: These strangers are the field researchers from SRDM, and should be chased off with loud shouting and a large shotgun.
Problem: Your THRANDUIL is nancing around your home with a very smug expression on his face and occasional giggles.
Solution: Immediately check all darkened rooms/subterranean levels for DWARF hostages, and return them to their rightful owner(s).
FINAL NOTE - GUARANTEE
With adequate care, your THRANDUIL model will serve you well for many years. To support this statement, each unit comes with a 6,342,000 month extended warranty. Full written details on request. Terms and conditions apply.
A/N: Inspired, of course, by Theresa Green's series of User Guides, and their subsequent followers; many thanks to her. Also, kudos to Bryn, who chronicles the experiments conducted by the SRDM.