Obscuring Tears
Lucy's Facade
Every day when I awake
My poor and heavy heart
Deeply throbs with familiar ache.
Oh, why did we have to part?
My eyes scan my poetic words recently written in a black and white checkered composition notebook. They are not a comfort, not that I expected them to be. Usually, my pieces are happy, giddy, even, because that is what my heart feels. Now...now the times are different. My heart is not school-girl-giddy anymore. It is heavy and dripping with sorrow and grief.
Everyone around me doesn't seem to be affected. No tears, no sulking. Of course there had been - at the funerals, but as time slowly faded away, becoming more and more meaningless, regardless, our parents' memory did the same. As I said, the times are different now. Time has passed along with the sympathy cards and cakes and flowers. My family seems about the same, striking me as disrespectful.
I am fifteen now, and am trying to understand things better. In my younger years, I had been the person that you would come to for good advice, for information. It's odd. When I was young, I was able to see things clear and simple. Now, as I merge into adulthood, things have grown murky. My vision has been clouded and I find myself making stupid decisions and mistakes....
"You can't be serious!" Ruthie Camden screamed at her older sister, Lucy Kinkirk.
These two sisters had gotten together for an afternoon stroll in the park. As they sat on one of the little two-person benches by the small pond feeding the ducks, Lucy had brought up one subject that struck Ruthie in a not-so-good way.
"Why not, Ruthie? You have to live somewhere. I think the best place for you and the boys is with me and Kevin," Lucy explained, watching her sister closely.
Ruthie was incredulous. "You actually had the audacity to tell me what is best for me?! You aren't Mom." Ruthie turned away from Lucy and went back to throwing pieces of food that she bought for the ducks with an attitude.
"Ruthie." Lucy grabbed Ruthie's throwing arm and made her look at her. "Listen to me. Mom and Dad are dead." Lucy's voice trembled slightly as she blinked back her tears.
Ruthie's eyes became slits. "I know that." Ruthie jerked her wrist away from her sister, but kept the intense gaze.
"Look, I'm your last shot. Matt, Mary, Simon. They can't take you. And unless you'd rather be placed into a foster home than with me, your sister, I don't know what to tell you, Ruthie."
Ruthie was silent, shifting her gaze from Lucy to her black and white Converse. There was so much that she wanted to say but couldn't.
"When?" she asked softly.
Lucy was somewhat shocked at this reply. She was expecting a lot more screaming. "When Kevin and I sign the papers next week."
Ruthie took a deep breath and scanned the top of the muddy pond. She cast another couple handfuls of food to the ducks before standing and walking to the nearest trash can a few feet away.
Lucy watched her sister, now a woman, throw away her brown bag that held the duck food, squinting in the sun. Ruthie was to come live with her and she was to be her legal guardian. Kind of weird, but it worked. They would be together.
When Ruthie returned, they set off towards home, silence settling between them. Lucy didn't push Ruthie to talk, she knew that she was thinking. There was a lot to think about.
When I close my eyes
Whether day or night it be
I will always see your faces
Staring back at me.
Ruthie was sitting in her room, her feet neatly tucked under her, on the floor packing the last of her belongings. Basically, everything that she could fit into good sized brown boxes. Her bed, dresser, vanity, and night stand would be brought over to Lucy and Kevin's later in a big, orange and white U-HAUL truck.
She was down to her last box but she was almost finished anyway. Only a few small things remained. Her shoe box of holiday cards that she had received from friends and family, a red lava lamp, and a small, oak wood chest with a gold clasp that didn't lock.
The lava lamp and shoe box went into the box easily, but the chest nagged at her, begging her to open in. Ruthie had forgotten what treasure that she had hidden in here.
She flipped the golden clasp upward and lifted the chest's lid. A small ballerina dressed in a pink, frilly tutu, spun slowly on a tiny disk while peaceful music played. Laying on a velvet lining, was a gold heart-shaped locket hung on an equally golden chain.
Ruthie carefully lifted it out of the singing box and popped open the locket with the thin nail of her thumb. Inside was a picture of her parents sharing a kiss. A small smile appeared on her pale face as she remembered when her mother had given this to her. It had been on her fourteenth birthday. There was a story that went along with it, Ruthie just couldn't remember it. However it had gone, it had been lovely, she was sure of it.
Ruthie undid the tiny clasp on the chain and locked it behind her neck. She put the box, now empty, in with the rest her things, and folded the flaps over. With a black Sharpie, she scribbled her name on it and carried it to the doorway of her room. One glance over her shoulder, Ruthie flicked off the light and left her room for the last time.
I can do nothing...
But cry in vain,
For nothing seems...
To ease my pain.
The yellow walls were bright and hurt Ruthie's eyes when she stepped into Lucy and Kevin's home. Two couches, one a love seat, were arranged in a square shape in the living room just off of the tan tiled foyer. Their house was only a one story which was another thing to get used to.
Lucy was explaining something, but Ruthie wasn't listening. She was taking in the aspects of the house. It wasn't as if she hadn't been here before, she was just seeing it in a new light. This was to be her home. Forever.
Ruthie followed her sister down a narrow, but equally yellow, hallway to the furthest door on the right. Lucy pushed open the white door and revealed an empty room, just right for a teenager. The last time Ruthie had seen this room, it had been Lucy's untidy office. It seemed strange without the desk and the clutter.
"You're bed'll be here later tonight when Kevin gets off work. He'll take the truck down to the house and have a few friends help him load up," Lucy explained with a smile. Ruthie, personally, didn't feel happy at all.
"Great," Ruthie mumbled. She sighed.
Lucy clicked her tongue once and energetically suggested, "Why don't you wash your hands and help me with dinner?"
Ruthie shrugged and exited the room, Lucy on her heels.
"The bathroom's right there," Lucy unnecessarily pointed out.
Ruthie gave her an annoyed look.
"Right," Lucy said defeatedly. "You knew that."
Ruthie nodded once and disappeared into the bathroom, shutting the door on her sister.
I don't know anything
At least, not anymore
I am caught in the dark
Nowhere is the trap door
Crickets chirped outside her bedroom window. A dim, blue light crept in from under the blinds, painting the pale carpet and walls in thin stripes. Boxes were scattered throughout the room, their contents not yet unpacked. Kevin and a couple of his friends had brought her furniture over so she wouldn't have had to sleep on the floor or the couch.
At least it was something familiar. Although she was only a few blocks away from that old house, she felt further. Her whole life, her life that she had just begun to get comfortable with, was flipped upside down.
Everything was new. The room, the house, the crickets. Man, those crickets were annoying. She never had to deal with them before, she was up too high to hear anything going on outside in the grass.
This new life scared her. Where was she to go from here? Everyone in Glenoak had known her parents, and that was what scared her the most. She didn't want someone to come up to her everywhere she went and get their sympathy. Sure, she was happy and thankful that people had respected her parents, but she didn't want to be reminded of that every single day.
Ruthie Camden had never been one to keep a diary. She never knew what to write in it. There was never a great need to write her feelings down. Lucy had kept a diary (she probably still did), and Ruthie remembered the trouble she had with people being nosy and wanting to take a peek at what you had written. Besides, diaries were trouble. Instead, she professed her thoughts to the one who would always be there for her. From beginning to end. God.
Slowly, Ruthie closed her eyes and began to pray.
God, this road that I walk along. This path that You have chosen for me. I know I have no choice but to keep on walking and take each stride in confidence that You would not put me in any danger. Each obstacle that You have thrown at me, I have defeated, but I don't know how much longer I can take this. You have designed me as a strong person. And now, after what has happened, I see why. I have to be strong. No matter how much it hurts, I will stay strong. You have set a certain path for me, and I will choose to accept it, for I have no other choice. So, I pray to You, God, to help me through this obstacle. To help me jump the hurdle. I need You now more than ever. I trust You.
I've never been more
Confused in my life
I might as well
Be given the knife
When Ruthie awoke the next morning, it took her a moment to remember what had happened. Every morning was like this. She would remember something had happened, something was different, and then it always hit her right after. Every time was the same. Her heart would sink impossibly low, almost to her stomach, and she would be depressed for the rest of the day. The next morning, the cycle would start over again. She never thought this would get any better. Or worse.
There was a soft knock on her door. A knock that was so familiar, she would recognize it anywhere. It was Lucy.
"Ruthie? Are you awake?" Lucy called. Instead of waiting for the reply that she knew she wasn't going to get, she opened the door and stepped in the room.
Once she saw that Ruthie's eyes were open and she was, indeed awake, Lucy smiled and came to stand by the side of the bed.
"Breakfast is on the table if you're hungry," Lucy informed.
Ruthie refused to look into Lucy's eyes. It was just too hard. Lucy reminded her of her mother, Annie. She was afraid if she looked up, she would see Annie's eyes, soft and motherly.
Lucy sighed and sat down near Ruthie's covered feet at the end of the bed.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
Ruthie's teeth clenched together as she rolled her eyes and sighed out through her nose. Of course she wasn't okay. Apparently, Lucy was....She seemed so chipper and cheerful.
"Listen, Ruthie. We're all going to get through this. And now that you and the boys are going to be living with Kevin and me, it's going to be a lot easier."
Ruthie bolted out of bed and looked at her sister incredulously. "How can you say that?!" Ruthie violently grabbed at the previous day's clothes and squeezed until her knuckles were white with fury. "It's never going to be okay! Mom and Dad are dead, and you just act like nothing has happened!"
Lucy's smile quickly disappeared as she got to her feet. Words seemed useless. There was no convincing Ruthie of anything at this time in her life.
"Everything is so screwed up and you don't even see it!" Ruthie spun on her heels and ran out of the room; the bathroom door slammed after seconds of stunned silence.
Kevin appeared in the doorway. His hazel eyes were concerned.
"What's going on?" he asked, seeing Lucy's eyes filling with tears.
Kevin crossed the room hurriedly and wrapped his muscular arms around his wife before the first tear could fall.
"Maybe it was wrong of me to try to make things seem normal for her. Maybe I'm just trying too hard." Lucy's words were muffled by Kevin's forest green T-shirt.
Kevin caressed Lucy's back and kissed the top of her head not knowing what to say to comfort her.