The Jerry Doll
A Seinfeld fanfic by Pjazz
INT. OUTSIDE JERRY'S DOOR.
JERRY is bidding farewell to HELEN, his now ex-girlfriend. HELEN is in a strop. She is not taking rejection well.
JERRY
I hope we can still remain friends?
HELEN
Go to hell.
JERRY
Or maybe not.
ELAINE, emerges from the elevator. HELEN boards. The doors close.
ELAINE
Well well. Another one bites the dust, huh. What was wrong with Helen? Teeth too big? Nostrils flare when she laughed? Did she paint each toenail a different colour?
JERRY and ELAINE enter JERRY's apartment.
JERRY
She alphabetized my cereal.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
My cereal boxes. She filed them A to Z on the shelf. Left to right. But get this - she put cornflakes under K.
ELAINE
K?
JERRY
For Kelloggs. Kelloggs cornflakes. From that point on the relationship was doomed.
ELAINE
Improper filing of comestables? C'mon, Jerry. That's a stretch even for you.
GEORGE ENTERS. HE'S EATING FRUIT.
GEORGE
Hey.
ELAINE
Are you eating fruit?
GEORGE
It's a Kumquat.
JERRY
Kumquat? That's a fruit? I thought Kumquat was a small country in South America.
GEORGE
It's a fruit.
ELAINE
I've never tried Kumquat. What's it like?
GEORGE
Pithy.
JERRY
So it's bad?
GEORGE
No, pithy's good.
JERRY
No, pithy's bad. Everyone knows that.
GEORGE
Hey, are you the one eating it or me? I like pithy. Pithy's good.
ELAINE
I hate fruit with lots of pips. They get in your teeth. And I never know whether to spit the pips out or swallow 'em.
JERRY
So which is it, Elaine? Spit or swallow?
ELAINE
(SMIRKS KNOWINGLY) Wouldn't you like to know...
GEORGE
Hey, know what happened to me today? I'm Midtown. I see a nickel on the sidewalk. I bend down to pick it up. It's stuck down. No matter how hard I tried it wouldn't budge.
JERRY
You're picking nickels out of the gutter now?
GEORGE
Not the gutter. The sidewalk.
ELAINE
The Yankees aren't paying you enough you gotta pick up every last nickel?
GEORGE
You look after the nickels, Elaine, the dollars will look after themselves.
JERRY
Mebbe someone stuck it dowm as a joke.
GEORGE
Well it wasn't funny. I nearly ripped my fingernails off.
ELAINE
(OPENS PURSE. TOSSES GEORGE A DIME) There ya go, Donald Trump. A dime. Go crazy.
***
INT. MONKS.
JERRY AND GEORGE.
GEORGE
You think there's nuts in this fudge sundae?
JERRY
It's a fudge sundae. It might have nuts, it might not. What d'you care?
GEORGE
I'm worried I might have a nut allergy.
JERRY
George, I've seen you eat 5 snickers bars, one after another. I think you're safe.
GEORGE
Just out of interest, if I started to turn blue would you give me mouth to mouth resuscitation?
JERRY
What d'you think?.
GEORGE
You see, that's why we're friends. We have a shared indifference to the others well being. Y'know, when I was 13 I learnt the Heimlich Manoeuvre.
JERRY
You? The Heimlich Manoeuvre?
GEORGE
I figured it was my best shot at putting my arms round a beautiful woman if she was choking to death.
JERRY
An ingenious plan.
GEORGE
But no beautiful woman ever started choking to death in my presence so it was all for nothing.
JERRY
Beautiful women can be so selfish.
GEORGE
A little aphyxsia one time, is all. But no. Never happened.
RIA CARLLSON, a pretty blonde approaches JERRY. Think Sarah Wynter from 24.
RIA
Excuse me, are you Jerry Seinfeld?
JERRY
Yes, I am.
RIA
Hi. I'm Ria Carllson. I'm a really big fan of your work.
JERRY
Thank you. When did you see my act?
RIA
Oh I've never seen your act. I'm a psycho therapist.
Several of your ex-girlfriends come to me for treatment.
You're very lucrative. Here's my card. (LEAVES)
JERRY
(READS)' Dr Ria Carllson. Psychological therapy and analysis. 'How about that?
GEORGE
Y'know, for a shrink she's pretty hot.
JERRY
Very, very hot. And look, her card has her home phone number.
***
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY, ELAINE.
ELAINE
You're dating the therapist who treats your ex-girlfriends? Isn't that unethical?
JERRY
What ethics? I have ethics now?
ELAINE
Not you. Her. Doesn't it invalidate her hippocratic oath or something?
JERRY
I think that's for her patients. I'm not a patient.
ELAINE
But you're the reason they're seeing this shrink.
JERRY
True. Hey, you know who's in therapy? Sidra. Remember Sidra?
ELAINE
Sidra? Oh ye-ah. Miss Plastic-fantastic. Boy, is she still mad at you?
JERRY
Uh huh. I don't why she hates me when you're the one who fondled her breasts.
ELAINE
Me? Hey, you're the one who begged me to go in the sauna and spy on her.
And I didn't fondle them. They broke my fall.
If it wasn't for Sidra's twin airbags I'd have broken my neck.
KRAMER ENTERS.
KRAMER
Hey, put the tv on. There's a program I wanna watch.
JERRY
What's wrong with your tv?
KRAMER
Nothing. I like yours better.
ELAINE
What's on?
KRAMER
The Gonzo Goofball Hour.
ELAINE
Ugh! That rubbish. It's just a bunch of Frat boys playing practical jokes on people.
TV ON.
TV
VOIVEOVER
Today on the Gonzo Goofball hour - we glue a nickel to the sidewalk and see if any New Yorker's are cheap enough to try and pick it up. And whaddua ya know - here's a cheap schuck now.
GEORGE
Hey, that's me!
TV SHOWS FOOTAGE OF GEORGE VAINLY TRYING TO CLAIM THE NICKEL
VO
Boy, this guy's really desperate! Look at him go! If you're watching this fella - c'mon down to the studio and the Gonzo Goofball Hour will give ya that nickel - plus 500 dollars for being the cheapest man in New York!
KRAMER
Well all right. George, you just made 500 smackeroos.
JERRY
You're not seriously going to collect the money?
GEORGE
Why not? You heard the man. That money's mine.
ELAINE
George, they just humiliated you on national tv. They called you the cheapest man in New York.
GEORGE
I have one word for you, my friends. Nom de plume.
JERRY
That's three words.
GEORGE
Whatever.
I won't reveal my identity. I'll tell em I'm someone else - Art Vandelay.
JERRY
Again with the Art Vandelay?
GEORGE
From Palm Springs.
JERRY
Why Palm Springs?
GEORGE
I always wanted to tell people I was from Palm Springs. My entire life I've been little Georgie Costanza from Queens. What can it hurt?
ELAINE
That's your plan? Oh boy.
GEORGE
Oh ye of little faith.
***
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT.
JERRY and DR RIA are SNOGGING on the couch.
RIA
Hmmm! If my patients could see me now - canoodling with the enemy.
JERRY
Shocked, huh?
RIA
Shocked? They'd blow every synapse in their brains!
JERRY
I'm pretty close to overload myself.
THEY SNOG. RIA pulls away.
RIA
Wait. I've got something to show you. I'll think you'll get a kick out of it.
RIA takes a JERRY DOLL from her purse. A small DOLL that looks uncannily like JERRY.
RIA
Cute, huh? I use it in my therapy classes. It helps to focus my patient's minds on the source of their problem.
JERRY
You mean they stick pins in me?
RIA
Silly! It's not a voodoo doll. Do I look like a witch doctor to you?
JERRY
No, but....
RIA
I've freaked you out, haven't I? God, I'm so stupid.
JERRY
It's okay. It's just kinda...
RIA
Here, I'll take your mind off it.
THEY RESUME SNOGGING. OUT OF THE CORNER OF JERRY'S EYE HE SEES THE JERRY DOLL, STARING BACK AT HIM.
***
INT. MONKS.
JERRY, GEORGE AND KRAMER. BETWEEN THEM ON THE TABLE IS THE JERRY DOLL.
GEORGE
All her patient's have one?
JERRY
Uh huh.
GEORGE
What - they stick pins in you?
GEORGE POKES THE DOLL'S EYES.
Can you feel that?
JERRY
It's not a voodoo doll, George.
KRAMER
Is it anatomically correct?
JERRY
What d'you think?
KRAMER
Well, I'm asking you.
JERRY
Take a look.
KRAMER
I don't wanna take a look!
JERRY
I'm pleased to hear it.
ELAINE ENTERS.
ELAINE
Hey, you got a Jerry doll. I've got one.
GEORGE
You've got a Jerry Doll?
JERRY
Where'd you get it?
ELAINE
Your shrink girlfriend gave me it. She found out I dated you.
GEORGE
You stick pins in it?
JERRY
George...
ELAINE
Nah. I prop you at the end of my bed. So you can watch me and Puddy have sex.
JERRY
Are you crazy?
ELAINE
Relax. I'm joking.You're gathering dust in a cupboard with my old Barbie dolls.
Hey, your shrink pal even invited me to one of her therapy classes.
JERRY
You're not gonna go?
ELAINE
Oh yeah, like I'm gonna blow 100 bucks an hour to hear your exes moan about what a louse you are with women.
JERRY
I'm not a louse with women.
ELAINE
Yeah, right.
JERRY
I'm not!
ELAINE
Hey, I'm agreeing with you.
JERRY
You could be less sarcastic about it.
KRAMER
This shrink's got quite a scam going with these dolls.
JERRY
How'd you mean?
KRAMER
You should get a percentage. It's your face, Jerry. There's licencing laws.Royalties.
ELAINE
Yeah. I read about it somewhere. Image rights.
KRAMER
What's the population of China?
ELAINE
2 billion, give or take.
KRAMER
Suppose 1 percent of Chinese buy a Jerry doll. 60 cents royalty. What's that worth?
ELAINE
12 million dollars.
KRAMER
oh yeah. Then there's the Indian market. AfricA. Europe. Pacific rim...We'll make a fortune.
JERRY
We? What's this we?
KRAMER
Oh so that's how it is, huh, Jerry? You get a few million in your pocket suddenly you don't want to know your friends. Shame on you.
JERRY
What millions? This doll hasn't made me a dime.
KRAMER
What you need is a business manager.
JERRY
You got anyone in mind?
KRAMER
You're looking at him, buddy.
JERRY
You? What business experience have you got?
KRAMER
Hey,I was CEO of Kramerica industries. I know high finance.
JERRY
Okay, what the hell. You can be my business manager.
KRAMER
Giddyup, buddy. (LEAVES)
JERRY
Where you going?
KRAMER
I got calls to make. Deals to wheel. Palms to grease.
ELAINE
You didn't finish your breakfast, Alan Greenspan.
KRAMER
Breakfast is for wimps. (LEAVES)
GEORGE
I better be going too. Gonna pick up my 500 bucks from the tv station.
ELAINE
You're not seriously going down there?
GEORGE
Not me, Elaine. Art Vandelay of Palm Springs.
ELAINE
Oh boy.
***
INT. TV STATION.
GEORGE
Excuse me. The Gonzo Goofball Show? The front desk told me to come here.
LARRY
That's right, pal. Hey - you're the cheap guy with the nickel. Hey, Joey! It's the bald guy with the nickel.
JOEY
Man, we didn't expect you'd have ther nerve to show your face here.
GEORGE
You said something about 500 dollars?
LARRY
Sure sure. What's your name, pal?
GEORGE
Vandelay. Art Vandelay.
LARRY
Well Art, how'd you like to appear on Tv?
GEORGE
On tv? I never appeared on tv before. Apart from, y'know, the nickel thing.
JOEY
Yeah. Great gag, huh? I thought of that.
LARRY
That's a Harvard education for you. You from New York, Artie?
GEORGE
Palm Springs.
JOEY
Ok, Art, we just need you to sign this waiver.
GEORGE
Waiver?
JOEY
It allows us to use your image on Tv. A legal formality.Not a big deal.
GEORGE
And then I get my money?
LARRY
Absolutely. And we'd like you to put this t shirt on.
T SHIRT READS 'CHEAPEST MAN IN NEW YORK'
GEORGE DONS T SHIRT.
JOEY
Let's get a camera here. Ok, Artie, I want you to say to camera 'Hi I'm Art Vandelay.
I'm the Cheapest Man in New York. I claim my 500 bucks.' Think you can do that?
GEORGE
Sure.
JOEY
Right. Roll camera.
GEORGE
Hi, I'm Art Vandelay. I'm the Cheapest Man in New York. I claim my 500 bucks.
LARRY
Now bark the National Anthem.
GEORGE
What?
LARRY
Bark the National Anthem.
GEORGE
I don't think---
LARRY
Start barking, baldie, or no 500 bucks.
GEORGE
Oh say can you woof! By the woof! woof! woof! woof!
LARRY
Louder, dogboy, louder!
GEORGE
WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! Twilights last WOOF! WOOF!
***
CUT TO
INT. NEWMAN'S APARTMENT.
NEWMAN IS WATCHING GEORGE ON TV
NEWMAN
The horror. The horror.
***
CUT TO
GEORGE'S PARENTS HOUSE
ESTELLE IS WATCHING GEORGE ON TV.
ESTELLE
Frank! Frank! Georgie's on the television.
FRANK
George is on tv? What's he doing on tv?
ESTELLE
He's wearing a shirt that says 'Cheapest Man in New York'. And he's barking the Star Spangled Banner. I'm so proud.
***
CUT TO
GEORGE'S LATE FIANCEE SUSAN'S PARENTS HOUSE.
THEY ARE WATCHING GEORGE ON TV.
FATHER
Isn't that Susan's fiancee?
MOTHER
I thought his name was Costanza, not Vandelay.
FATHER
It's him alright. (BEAT) To think he could have been our son in law.
***
INT. OFFICE OF CEO, TOY COMPANY.
KRAMER IS SPIELING THE JERRY DOLL.
CEO
You call this the Jerry doll? What does he do, Mr Kramer? Does he have a super power?
KRAMER
Jerry's a stand up comedian.
CEO
I see. And this Business Plan. It just doesn't make any sense. It appears to be a list of countries from A to Z. Beginning with Australia and ending with Zanzibar. It's as if you typed it straight out of a geography textbook.
KRAMER
Well, y'know, I'm just trying to catch an even break.
CEO
I'm sorry, Mr Kramer, but I'm going to have to pass on the Jerry doll. However, here's some free advice. The doll might be more marketable if he was part of a family. The Simpsons, for instance, are huge sellers. There's Homer and Marge. Bart and Lisa. As a successful franchise they're hard to beat. And of course you maximise your profit margin.
***
INT. MONKS
JERRY AND ELAINE
JERRY
You see George on tv?
ELAINE
You kidding? Everyone at Peterman's is talking about it. I think half the city saw it.
JERRY
My parents rang from Florida. Even they caught it and all they watch is Kojak reruns.
GEORGE ENTERS. HE'S WEARING A BASEBALL CAP AND SUNGLASSES.
JERRY
Well well, if it isn't Rin Tin Tin. What's with the sunglasses? It's the middle of winter.
GEORGE
It's a disguise. People keep recognising me from that dumb show.
They throw nickels and ask me to bark.
JERRY
You see what's happened, Georgie boy. You've become a celebrity.
ELAINE
George a celebrity? You can become a celebrity just by going on tv and making a jackass of yourself?
JERRY
It's the American way. Why bother to create something new and original when you can bellyflop in custard and become a star.
ELAINE
At least you got your 500 bucks.
GEORGE
Not any more. I gave it to Kramer.
JERRY
You did what? Kramer? Are you crazy?
GEORGE
He said he could double it in a few days. He's got this surefire business deal.
JERRY
George, the only way Kramer could double your money is if he folded it in half.
KRAMER ARRIVES. SITS DOWN.
GEORGE
Kramer, I changed my mind. I want my money back.
KRAMER
Too late, buddy. I invested it.
KRAMER PUTS 3 DOLLS ON THE TABLE. A JERRY DOLL, AN ELAINE DOLL AND A GEORGE DOLL.
GEORGE
You made us into dolls? With my money?
KRAMER
Uh huh. This is the Jerry family. Husband Jerry. Wife Elaine. And their 8 year old son, George.
GEORGE
My doll's 8 years old? Then how come I'm still bald? How many bald 8 year olds you see running around?
ELAINE
Kramer, the Elaine doll seems kinda flat chested...
KRAMER
Oh yeah. See, Elaine, I didn't have the cash for a proper female doll.
So I just fitted an Elaine head on a Jerry doll body.
ELAINE
What! You mean Elaine has a man's body? Oh my god, Elaine's a transvestite!
JERRY
My wife's a transvestite, our 8 year old son's bald. Kramer, this isn't a family - it's a freak show!
ELAINE
Who would even buy these things?
RALPH, A FRAT BOY TYPE, PASSES THE BOOTH. HE RECOGNISES GEORGE.
RALPH
Hey, you're the guy from the Gonzo Goofball hour - the cheapskate who barks.
GEORGE
No, I'm not. (DUCKS BEHIND A MENU)
RALPH
(NOTICES THE GEORGE DOLL) Hey, cool action figure. Does it bark?
GEORGE
Oh God!
KRAMER
Nope. But the arms and legs move.
RALPH
Cool! They for sale? I'll buy it.
JERRY
Really?
RALPH
Sure. I love that show. Everyone on campus loves that show. Tell ya what, gimme a dozen.
KRAMER
You got it, buddy. How many Jerry and Elaine dolls you want?
RALPH
Nah, just the dogboy. Woof! Woof! Cracks me up, man!
GEORGE
Oh God!
***
INT. OUTSIDE KRAMER'S APARTMENT.
A WELL DRESSED LAWYER KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.
KRAMER ANSWERS. HE'S SMOKING A CIGAR. BUSINESS IS OBVIOUSLY GOOD.
ATTORNEY
Mr Kramer? Mr Cosmo Kramer?
KRAMER
That's right, buddy.
ATTORNEY
I'm Mason D. Weiss. Attorney of law. I'm here about the George doll.
KRAMER
Hey I hear ya, buddy. Listen, I'm gonna tell you what I told everyone else wants to get hold of the George doll. I got the sweatshops in Taiwan working round the clock. 24-7. People can't get enough of that cute little guy! How many cases you want? I can let you have 100 at cost. My best offer.
ATTORNEY
You misunderstand me, Mr Kramer. I'm the attorney representing Art Vandelay and the Gonzo Goofball Hour tv show. I'm afraid you owe my clients a great deal of money.
KRAMER DOES A COMIC DOUBLE TAKE, COLLAPSING ON THE FLOOR.
ATTORNEY
Mr Kramer? Are you all right?
***
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
THE ENTIRE GANG.
GEORGE
You gave all our money to Art Vandelay's attorney?
KRAMER
Every last cent. Man, just when business was going great. The George doll was really taking off. I was getting orders from out of state. The demographics were amazing. We were really milking the 18-30 market. I was getting ready to franchise out. Two months and we'd have been on Easy street. Then - POW! - it all went up in smoke.
GEORGE
But how can Art Vandelay have an attorney? He doesn't exist. He's a figment of my imagination.
KRAMER
It's the contract you signed to appear on tv. It validated Art Vandelay's existence and gives him the image rights. People buy the George doll under the impression it's Art Vandelay.
GEORGE
So Art Vandelay gets rich and George Costanza gets screwed!
KRAMER
No, George Costanza gets sued.
JERRY
Why is George being sued?
KRAMER
For impersonating George Costanza.
GEORGE
I impersonated George Costanza? Who am I if I'm not me?
KRAMER
You're Art Vandelay. George Costanza plagiarised Art Vandelay so Art Vandelay's suing you.
GEORGE
I'm suing myself? This is insane!
KRAMER
It's litigation, buddy.
GEORGE
There's a difference?
JERRY
I'll bet you wish now you'd stayed in Palm springs, huh, Art?
ELAINE LAUGHS
GEORGE
You find this funny, Elaine?
ELAINE
No, no. Sorry. It's just that - you're Art Vandelay, right?
GEORGE
In a manner of speaking.
ELAINE
So what's stopping you from going to the tv station and claiming your money?
JERRY
That's right. They believe you're Art Vandelay. You even signed a contract.
Who's to say you are who you say you aren't?
GEORGE
Yes? Yes. Yes! Screw George Costanza. I'm Art Vandelay.
Hear that? I'm rich, baby, I'm rich!
GEORGE HURRIES OUT.
KRAMER'S IN PURSUIT.
KRAMER
Hey, George, wait up. Let me be your business manager. C'mon, man, I'm begging you! Please!
JERRY
Think it'll work out?
ELAINE
Are you kidding? The lawyer's will eat 'em both for breakfast.
ABRUPTLY, JERRY DOUBLES OVER IN PAIN.
ELAINE
Jerry! Are you okay? What's wrong?
JERRY
My stomach. I felt this sudden sharp pain like someone stuck a knife in me.
ELAINE
Do you want an aspirin? A doctor?
JERRY
Let me sit down a minute.
***
CUT TO
INT. NEWMAN'S APARTMENT.
NEWMAN HAS GOT HOLD OF A JERRY DOLL AND IS TWISTING A CORKSCREW THROUGH THE STOMACH.
NEWMAN
What's the matter, Seinfeld? Feeling a little...screwy? Ha! Ha! Ha!
NEWMAN CACKLES WITH LAUGHTER.
***
THE END
***
AUTHORS NOTES
I presume the nickel is still part of American currency?
If not, apologies. I'm British.
The Gonzo Goofball Hour is based on a British tv show called
'Wudja Cudja', which encourages people to debase themselves
for money. If the format hasn't reached Europe or the States yet
it can only be a matter of time. We live in the age of the
lowest common denominator.
***
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***
A Seinfeld fanfic by Pjazz
INT. OUTSIDE JERRY'S DOOR.
JERRY is bidding farewell to HELEN, his now ex-girlfriend. HELEN is in a strop. She is not taking rejection well.
JERRY
I hope we can still remain friends?
HELEN
Go to hell.
JERRY
Or maybe not.
ELAINE, emerges from the elevator. HELEN boards. The doors close.
ELAINE
Well well. Another one bites the dust, huh. What was wrong with Helen? Teeth too big? Nostrils flare when she laughed? Did she paint each toenail a different colour?
JERRY and ELAINE enter JERRY's apartment.
JERRY
She alphabetized my cereal.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
My cereal boxes. She filed them A to Z on the shelf. Left to right. But get this - she put cornflakes under K.
ELAINE
K?
JERRY
For Kelloggs. Kelloggs cornflakes. From that point on the relationship was doomed.
ELAINE
Improper filing of comestables? C'mon, Jerry. That's a stretch even for you.
GEORGE ENTERS. HE'S EATING FRUIT.
GEORGE
Hey.
ELAINE
Are you eating fruit?
GEORGE
It's a Kumquat.
JERRY
Kumquat? That's a fruit? I thought Kumquat was a small country in South America.
GEORGE
It's a fruit.
ELAINE
I've never tried Kumquat. What's it like?
GEORGE
Pithy.
JERRY
So it's bad?
GEORGE
No, pithy's good.
JERRY
No, pithy's bad. Everyone knows that.
GEORGE
Hey, are you the one eating it or me? I like pithy. Pithy's good.
ELAINE
I hate fruit with lots of pips. They get in your teeth. And I never know whether to spit the pips out or swallow 'em.
JERRY
So which is it, Elaine? Spit or swallow?
ELAINE
(SMIRKS KNOWINGLY) Wouldn't you like to know...
GEORGE
Hey, know what happened to me today? I'm Midtown. I see a nickel on the sidewalk. I bend down to pick it up. It's stuck down. No matter how hard I tried it wouldn't budge.
JERRY
You're picking nickels out of the gutter now?
GEORGE
Not the gutter. The sidewalk.
ELAINE
The Yankees aren't paying you enough you gotta pick up every last nickel?
GEORGE
You look after the nickels, Elaine, the dollars will look after themselves.
JERRY
Mebbe someone stuck it dowm as a joke.
GEORGE
Well it wasn't funny. I nearly ripped my fingernails off.
ELAINE
(OPENS PURSE. TOSSES GEORGE A DIME) There ya go, Donald Trump. A dime. Go crazy.
***
INT. MONKS.
JERRY AND GEORGE.
GEORGE
You think there's nuts in this fudge sundae?
JERRY
It's a fudge sundae. It might have nuts, it might not. What d'you care?
GEORGE
I'm worried I might have a nut allergy.
JERRY
George, I've seen you eat 5 snickers bars, one after another. I think you're safe.
GEORGE
Just out of interest, if I started to turn blue would you give me mouth to mouth resuscitation?
JERRY
What d'you think?.
GEORGE
You see, that's why we're friends. We have a shared indifference to the others well being. Y'know, when I was 13 I learnt the Heimlich Manoeuvre.
JERRY
You? The Heimlich Manoeuvre?
GEORGE
I figured it was my best shot at putting my arms round a beautiful woman if she was choking to death.
JERRY
An ingenious plan.
GEORGE
But no beautiful woman ever started choking to death in my presence so it was all for nothing.
JERRY
Beautiful women can be so selfish.
GEORGE
A little aphyxsia one time, is all. But no. Never happened.
RIA CARLLSON, a pretty blonde approaches JERRY. Think Sarah Wynter from 24.
RIA
Excuse me, are you Jerry Seinfeld?
JERRY
Yes, I am.
RIA
Hi. I'm Ria Carllson. I'm a really big fan of your work.
JERRY
Thank you. When did you see my act?
RIA
Oh I've never seen your act. I'm a psycho therapist.
Several of your ex-girlfriends come to me for treatment.
You're very lucrative. Here's my card. (LEAVES)
JERRY
(READS)' Dr Ria Carllson. Psychological therapy and analysis. 'How about that?
GEORGE
Y'know, for a shrink she's pretty hot.
JERRY
Very, very hot. And look, her card has her home phone number.
***
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY, ELAINE.
ELAINE
You're dating the therapist who treats your ex-girlfriends? Isn't that unethical?
JERRY
What ethics? I have ethics now?
ELAINE
Not you. Her. Doesn't it invalidate her hippocratic oath or something?
JERRY
I think that's for her patients. I'm not a patient.
ELAINE
But you're the reason they're seeing this shrink.
JERRY
True. Hey, you know who's in therapy? Sidra. Remember Sidra?
ELAINE
Sidra? Oh ye-ah. Miss Plastic-fantastic. Boy, is she still mad at you?
JERRY
Uh huh. I don't why she hates me when you're the one who fondled her breasts.
ELAINE
Me? Hey, you're the one who begged me to go in the sauna and spy on her.
And I didn't fondle them. They broke my fall.
If it wasn't for Sidra's twin airbags I'd have broken my neck.
KRAMER ENTERS.
KRAMER
Hey, put the tv on. There's a program I wanna watch.
JERRY
What's wrong with your tv?
KRAMER
Nothing. I like yours better.
ELAINE
What's on?
KRAMER
The Gonzo Goofball Hour.
ELAINE
Ugh! That rubbish. It's just a bunch of Frat boys playing practical jokes on people.
TV ON.
TV
VOIVEOVER
Today on the Gonzo Goofball hour - we glue a nickel to the sidewalk and see if any New Yorker's are cheap enough to try and pick it up. And whaddua ya know - here's a cheap schuck now.
GEORGE
Hey, that's me!
TV SHOWS FOOTAGE OF GEORGE VAINLY TRYING TO CLAIM THE NICKEL
VO
Boy, this guy's really desperate! Look at him go! If you're watching this fella - c'mon down to the studio and the Gonzo Goofball Hour will give ya that nickel - plus 500 dollars for being the cheapest man in New York!
KRAMER
Well all right. George, you just made 500 smackeroos.
JERRY
You're not seriously going to collect the money?
GEORGE
Why not? You heard the man. That money's mine.
ELAINE
George, they just humiliated you on national tv. They called you the cheapest man in New York.
GEORGE
I have one word for you, my friends. Nom de plume.
JERRY
That's three words.
GEORGE
Whatever.
I won't reveal my identity. I'll tell em I'm someone else - Art Vandelay.
JERRY
Again with the Art Vandelay?
GEORGE
From Palm Springs.
JERRY
Why Palm Springs?
GEORGE
I always wanted to tell people I was from Palm Springs. My entire life I've been little Georgie Costanza from Queens. What can it hurt?
ELAINE
That's your plan? Oh boy.
GEORGE
Oh ye of little faith.
***
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT.
JERRY and DR RIA are SNOGGING on the couch.
RIA
Hmmm! If my patients could see me now - canoodling with the enemy.
JERRY
Shocked, huh?
RIA
Shocked? They'd blow every synapse in their brains!
JERRY
I'm pretty close to overload myself.
THEY SNOG. RIA pulls away.
RIA
Wait. I've got something to show you. I'll think you'll get a kick out of it.
RIA takes a JERRY DOLL from her purse. A small DOLL that looks uncannily like JERRY.
RIA
Cute, huh? I use it in my therapy classes. It helps to focus my patient's minds on the source of their problem.
JERRY
You mean they stick pins in me?
RIA
Silly! It's not a voodoo doll. Do I look like a witch doctor to you?
JERRY
No, but....
RIA
I've freaked you out, haven't I? God, I'm so stupid.
JERRY
It's okay. It's just kinda...
RIA
Here, I'll take your mind off it.
THEY RESUME SNOGGING. OUT OF THE CORNER OF JERRY'S EYE HE SEES THE JERRY DOLL, STARING BACK AT HIM.
***
INT. MONKS.
JERRY, GEORGE AND KRAMER. BETWEEN THEM ON THE TABLE IS THE JERRY DOLL.
GEORGE
All her patient's have one?
JERRY
Uh huh.
GEORGE
What - they stick pins in you?
GEORGE POKES THE DOLL'S EYES.
Can you feel that?
JERRY
It's not a voodoo doll, George.
KRAMER
Is it anatomically correct?
JERRY
What d'you think?
KRAMER
Well, I'm asking you.
JERRY
Take a look.
KRAMER
I don't wanna take a look!
JERRY
I'm pleased to hear it.
ELAINE ENTERS.
ELAINE
Hey, you got a Jerry doll. I've got one.
GEORGE
You've got a Jerry Doll?
JERRY
Where'd you get it?
ELAINE
Your shrink girlfriend gave me it. She found out I dated you.
GEORGE
You stick pins in it?
JERRY
George...
ELAINE
Nah. I prop you at the end of my bed. So you can watch me and Puddy have sex.
JERRY
Are you crazy?
ELAINE
Relax. I'm joking.You're gathering dust in a cupboard with my old Barbie dolls.
Hey, your shrink pal even invited me to one of her therapy classes.
JERRY
You're not gonna go?
ELAINE
Oh yeah, like I'm gonna blow 100 bucks an hour to hear your exes moan about what a louse you are with women.
JERRY
I'm not a louse with women.
ELAINE
Yeah, right.
JERRY
I'm not!
ELAINE
Hey, I'm agreeing with you.
JERRY
You could be less sarcastic about it.
KRAMER
This shrink's got quite a scam going with these dolls.
JERRY
How'd you mean?
KRAMER
You should get a percentage. It's your face, Jerry. There's licencing laws.Royalties.
ELAINE
Yeah. I read about it somewhere. Image rights.
KRAMER
What's the population of China?
ELAINE
2 billion, give or take.
KRAMER
Suppose 1 percent of Chinese buy a Jerry doll. 60 cents royalty. What's that worth?
ELAINE
12 million dollars.
KRAMER
oh yeah. Then there's the Indian market. AfricA. Europe. Pacific rim...We'll make a fortune.
JERRY
We? What's this we?
KRAMER
Oh so that's how it is, huh, Jerry? You get a few million in your pocket suddenly you don't want to know your friends. Shame on you.
JERRY
What millions? This doll hasn't made me a dime.
KRAMER
What you need is a business manager.
JERRY
You got anyone in mind?
KRAMER
You're looking at him, buddy.
JERRY
You? What business experience have you got?
KRAMER
Hey,I was CEO of Kramerica industries. I know high finance.
JERRY
Okay, what the hell. You can be my business manager.
KRAMER
Giddyup, buddy. (LEAVES)
JERRY
Where you going?
KRAMER
I got calls to make. Deals to wheel. Palms to grease.
ELAINE
You didn't finish your breakfast, Alan Greenspan.
KRAMER
Breakfast is for wimps. (LEAVES)
GEORGE
I better be going too. Gonna pick up my 500 bucks from the tv station.
ELAINE
You're not seriously going down there?
GEORGE
Not me, Elaine. Art Vandelay of Palm Springs.
ELAINE
Oh boy.
***
INT. TV STATION.
GEORGE
Excuse me. The Gonzo Goofball Show? The front desk told me to come here.
LARRY
That's right, pal. Hey - you're the cheap guy with the nickel. Hey, Joey! It's the bald guy with the nickel.
JOEY
Man, we didn't expect you'd have ther nerve to show your face here.
GEORGE
You said something about 500 dollars?
LARRY
Sure sure. What's your name, pal?
GEORGE
Vandelay. Art Vandelay.
LARRY
Well Art, how'd you like to appear on Tv?
GEORGE
On tv? I never appeared on tv before. Apart from, y'know, the nickel thing.
JOEY
Yeah. Great gag, huh? I thought of that.
LARRY
That's a Harvard education for you. You from New York, Artie?
GEORGE
Palm Springs.
JOEY
Ok, Art, we just need you to sign this waiver.
GEORGE
Waiver?
JOEY
It allows us to use your image on Tv. A legal formality.Not a big deal.
GEORGE
And then I get my money?
LARRY
Absolutely. And we'd like you to put this t shirt on.
T SHIRT READS 'CHEAPEST MAN IN NEW YORK'
GEORGE DONS T SHIRT.
JOEY
Let's get a camera here. Ok, Artie, I want you to say to camera 'Hi I'm Art Vandelay.
I'm the Cheapest Man in New York. I claim my 500 bucks.' Think you can do that?
GEORGE
Sure.
JOEY
Right. Roll camera.
GEORGE
Hi, I'm Art Vandelay. I'm the Cheapest Man in New York. I claim my 500 bucks.
LARRY
Now bark the National Anthem.
GEORGE
What?
LARRY
Bark the National Anthem.
GEORGE
I don't think---
LARRY
Start barking, baldie, or no 500 bucks.
GEORGE
Oh say can you woof! By the woof! woof! woof! woof!
LARRY
Louder, dogboy, louder!
GEORGE
WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! Twilights last WOOF! WOOF!
***
CUT TO
INT. NEWMAN'S APARTMENT.
NEWMAN IS WATCHING GEORGE ON TV
NEWMAN
The horror. The horror.
***
CUT TO
GEORGE'S PARENTS HOUSE
ESTELLE IS WATCHING GEORGE ON TV.
ESTELLE
Frank! Frank! Georgie's on the television.
FRANK
George is on tv? What's he doing on tv?
ESTELLE
He's wearing a shirt that says 'Cheapest Man in New York'. And he's barking the Star Spangled Banner. I'm so proud.
***
CUT TO
GEORGE'S LATE FIANCEE SUSAN'S PARENTS HOUSE.
THEY ARE WATCHING GEORGE ON TV.
FATHER
Isn't that Susan's fiancee?
MOTHER
I thought his name was Costanza, not Vandelay.
FATHER
It's him alright. (BEAT) To think he could have been our son in law.
***
INT. OFFICE OF CEO, TOY COMPANY.
KRAMER IS SPIELING THE JERRY DOLL.
CEO
You call this the Jerry doll? What does he do, Mr Kramer? Does he have a super power?
KRAMER
Jerry's a stand up comedian.
CEO
I see. And this Business Plan. It just doesn't make any sense. It appears to be a list of countries from A to Z. Beginning with Australia and ending with Zanzibar. It's as if you typed it straight out of a geography textbook.
KRAMER
Well, y'know, I'm just trying to catch an even break.
CEO
I'm sorry, Mr Kramer, but I'm going to have to pass on the Jerry doll. However, here's some free advice. The doll might be more marketable if he was part of a family. The Simpsons, for instance, are huge sellers. There's Homer and Marge. Bart and Lisa. As a successful franchise they're hard to beat. And of course you maximise your profit margin.
***
INT. MONKS
JERRY AND ELAINE
JERRY
You see George on tv?
ELAINE
You kidding? Everyone at Peterman's is talking about it. I think half the city saw it.
JERRY
My parents rang from Florida. Even they caught it and all they watch is Kojak reruns.
GEORGE ENTERS. HE'S WEARING A BASEBALL CAP AND SUNGLASSES.
JERRY
Well well, if it isn't Rin Tin Tin. What's with the sunglasses? It's the middle of winter.
GEORGE
It's a disguise. People keep recognising me from that dumb show.
They throw nickels and ask me to bark.
JERRY
You see what's happened, Georgie boy. You've become a celebrity.
ELAINE
George a celebrity? You can become a celebrity just by going on tv and making a jackass of yourself?
JERRY
It's the American way. Why bother to create something new and original when you can bellyflop in custard and become a star.
ELAINE
At least you got your 500 bucks.
GEORGE
Not any more. I gave it to Kramer.
JERRY
You did what? Kramer? Are you crazy?
GEORGE
He said he could double it in a few days. He's got this surefire business deal.
JERRY
George, the only way Kramer could double your money is if he folded it in half.
KRAMER ARRIVES. SITS DOWN.
GEORGE
Kramer, I changed my mind. I want my money back.
KRAMER
Too late, buddy. I invested it.
KRAMER PUTS 3 DOLLS ON THE TABLE. A JERRY DOLL, AN ELAINE DOLL AND A GEORGE DOLL.
GEORGE
You made us into dolls? With my money?
KRAMER
Uh huh. This is the Jerry family. Husband Jerry. Wife Elaine. And their 8 year old son, George.
GEORGE
My doll's 8 years old? Then how come I'm still bald? How many bald 8 year olds you see running around?
ELAINE
Kramer, the Elaine doll seems kinda flat chested...
KRAMER
Oh yeah. See, Elaine, I didn't have the cash for a proper female doll.
So I just fitted an Elaine head on a Jerry doll body.
ELAINE
What! You mean Elaine has a man's body? Oh my god, Elaine's a transvestite!
JERRY
My wife's a transvestite, our 8 year old son's bald. Kramer, this isn't a family - it's a freak show!
ELAINE
Who would even buy these things?
RALPH, A FRAT BOY TYPE, PASSES THE BOOTH. HE RECOGNISES GEORGE.
RALPH
Hey, you're the guy from the Gonzo Goofball hour - the cheapskate who barks.
GEORGE
No, I'm not. (DUCKS BEHIND A MENU)
RALPH
(NOTICES THE GEORGE DOLL) Hey, cool action figure. Does it bark?
GEORGE
Oh God!
KRAMER
Nope. But the arms and legs move.
RALPH
Cool! They for sale? I'll buy it.
JERRY
Really?
RALPH
Sure. I love that show. Everyone on campus loves that show. Tell ya what, gimme a dozen.
KRAMER
You got it, buddy. How many Jerry and Elaine dolls you want?
RALPH
Nah, just the dogboy. Woof! Woof! Cracks me up, man!
GEORGE
Oh God!
***
INT. OUTSIDE KRAMER'S APARTMENT.
A WELL DRESSED LAWYER KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.
KRAMER ANSWERS. HE'S SMOKING A CIGAR. BUSINESS IS OBVIOUSLY GOOD.
ATTORNEY
Mr Kramer? Mr Cosmo Kramer?
KRAMER
That's right, buddy.
ATTORNEY
I'm Mason D. Weiss. Attorney of law. I'm here about the George doll.
KRAMER
Hey I hear ya, buddy. Listen, I'm gonna tell you what I told everyone else wants to get hold of the George doll. I got the sweatshops in Taiwan working round the clock. 24-7. People can't get enough of that cute little guy! How many cases you want? I can let you have 100 at cost. My best offer.
ATTORNEY
You misunderstand me, Mr Kramer. I'm the attorney representing Art Vandelay and the Gonzo Goofball Hour tv show. I'm afraid you owe my clients a great deal of money.
KRAMER DOES A COMIC DOUBLE TAKE, COLLAPSING ON THE FLOOR.
ATTORNEY
Mr Kramer? Are you all right?
***
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
THE ENTIRE GANG.
GEORGE
You gave all our money to Art Vandelay's attorney?
KRAMER
Every last cent. Man, just when business was going great. The George doll was really taking off. I was getting orders from out of state. The demographics were amazing. We were really milking the 18-30 market. I was getting ready to franchise out. Two months and we'd have been on Easy street. Then - POW! - it all went up in smoke.
GEORGE
But how can Art Vandelay have an attorney? He doesn't exist. He's a figment of my imagination.
KRAMER
It's the contract you signed to appear on tv. It validated Art Vandelay's existence and gives him the image rights. People buy the George doll under the impression it's Art Vandelay.
GEORGE
So Art Vandelay gets rich and George Costanza gets screwed!
KRAMER
No, George Costanza gets sued.
JERRY
Why is George being sued?
KRAMER
For impersonating George Costanza.
GEORGE
I impersonated George Costanza? Who am I if I'm not me?
KRAMER
You're Art Vandelay. George Costanza plagiarised Art Vandelay so Art Vandelay's suing you.
GEORGE
I'm suing myself? This is insane!
KRAMER
It's litigation, buddy.
GEORGE
There's a difference?
JERRY
I'll bet you wish now you'd stayed in Palm springs, huh, Art?
ELAINE LAUGHS
GEORGE
You find this funny, Elaine?
ELAINE
No, no. Sorry. It's just that - you're Art Vandelay, right?
GEORGE
In a manner of speaking.
ELAINE
So what's stopping you from going to the tv station and claiming your money?
JERRY
That's right. They believe you're Art Vandelay. You even signed a contract.
Who's to say you are who you say you aren't?
GEORGE
Yes? Yes. Yes! Screw George Costanza. I'm Art Vandelay.
Hear that? I'm rich, baby, I'm rich!
GEORGE HURRIES OUT.
KRAMER'S IN PURSUIT.
KRAMER
Hey, George, wait up. Let me be your business manager. C'mon, man, I'm begging you! Please!
JERRY
Think it'll work out?
ELAINE
Are you kidding? The lawyer's will eat 'em both for breakfast.
ABRUPTLY, JERRY DOUBLES OVER IN PAIN.
ELAINE
Jerry! Are you okay? What's wrong?
JERRY
My stomach. I felt this sudden sharp pain like someone stuck a knife in me.
ELAINE
Do you want an aspirin? A doctor?
JERRY
Let me sit down a minute.
***
CUT TO
INT. NEWMAN'S APARTMENT.
NEWMAN HAS GOT HOLD OF A JERRY DOLL AND IS TWISTING A CORKSCREW THROUGH THE STOMACH.
NEWMAN
What's the matter, Seinfeld? Feeling a little...screwy? Ha! Ha! Ha!
NEWMAN CACKLES WITH LAUGHTER.
***
THE END
***
AUTHORS NOTES
I presume the nickel is still part of American currency?
If not, apologies. I'm British.
The Gonzo Goofball Hour is based on a British tv show called
'Wudja Cudja', which encourages people to debase themselves
for money. If the format hasn't reached Europe or the States yet
it can only be a matter of time. We live in the age of the
lowest common denominator.
***
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***