A/N: I own nothing aside from the clothes on my back. This fix's sorta random -- I know Rattrap's accent isn't right, but I'm horrible at those. . If anyone wants to correct me, please feel free to. Criticism is very welcome. I know the whole Rattrap (and Dinobot) POV for 'Code of Hero' has been done to death, but I wanted to do my own. So there.
~*~*~*
Y'know, I might call a lot of bots crazy. 'Course, that's 'cause alot of bots are crazy. Can y'blame a rat for bein' truthful? Though old grape-face's bunch'll always beat us out in the crazy department (prolly the oinly thing they'll ever beat us at -- heh), we've got some reeeeal winners on our side too. The boss-monkey, Spots, bird-dog -- yeah, we're a pretty messed up bunch.
But y'know what? I realized somethin' awhile back: I'm crazier than any of 'em put together. Not the same way Waspinator or Inferno are. The type of crazy I've got goin' is worse than any of theirs, 'cause I know I'm crazy. Not somethin' I'm all that proud of, and I sure as hell wouldn't admit it to anyone. That'd make me look ever more bonkers than I already am.
I wasn't always crazy though. Or maybe I was, but it was never anythin' like this. See, this is really ol' Chopperface's fault. If it wasn't for him, I might've been nuts, but I never would've known it. It's his fault.
If he hadn't changed sides, I never would've looked at him as more than a stinkin' pred. If he hadn't joined our side, I never would've really gotten the chance to know him. I could've just hated him for bein' a pred, and never would've hated him for bein' who he was, never would've had him grow on me. If it hadn't been for that, we never would've been friends. If he hadn't decided to go double-turncoat on us, Megatron would've never gotten the golden disk back. If he hadn't done that, those primitive humans would've never been in danger. If it hadn't been for his damn honor code, he would've waited for us to get to that valley. If he could've just held on a little longer...he wouldn't have lost his spark.
If none of that crap had ever happened, I would've never had to regret that 'bots can't cry.
After Dinobutt's been gone, I just...haven't really been the same, y'know? I might act the same an' all, sure, but nothin' really feels right no more. I've always been a wise-ass, never carin' what anyone else might've thought. I just liked to say what I thought an' felt, I just saved my own hide all the time, an' I was just peachy. Guess you could say I was always a rat -- I just got my fur a little late was all.
It ain't been that way anymore. I never used to have nightmares while I was recharrging at night. Well, scratch that -- s'more like a memory than a nightmare. Just kneelin' there beside him, clutchin' his hand like that, hopin' that maybe he'd pull through somehow. Yeah, I knew that was impossible; but it felt better than feelin' like a newborn rat that's totally helpless an' can't do a damn thing. I always wake up just as I see his spark fly away, an' realize none of it'll ever happen again. He ain't gunna fight with me the next mornin', he ain't gunna stink up the hallways, he ain't gunna grin that damn cocky grin of his.
First thing I think when I wake up is, 'Damn, I miss you Dinobutt. I miss hatin' you.' Then, my mind gets all confused. This is where the crazy comes in. I get happy, mad, an' sad all at once. I wonder, if I could see him even one more time, I honestly dunno what I'd wanna do -- sock him a good one, or hug him till his circuits turn to mush. Would I ever wanna see him again?
Yes.
No.
Maybe.
Damnit, I dunno. I just know I wanna do somethin', but what? Scream? Laugh? Try an' remember the good times with a smile? Try an' remember the bad times an' make myself hate him? What do I do now? Where'm I supposed to go from here? Dunno...I really dunno.
'Cause I dunno, I just push ahead. I just try an' figure it'll go away eventually. Eventually I'll stop wakin' up like this, eventually I'll stop feelin' like this an' everythin'll be just peachy again. Problem is, 'eventually' takes a whole lot longer than I'd like it to.
See what I mean about bein' crazy now? I know somethin's wrong with me. I know if I talked to someone, got someone to help, it might be easier. But who's there to talk to? The boss-monkey? Spots? Bird-dog? They don't understand the way my mind works. Not like Dinobutt did. So, I try an' act like myself, try an' act like nothin's wrong. It's just easier that way. If I can fool everyone else into thinkin' I'm fine, maybe I can fool myself too.
Eventually.
(Damn, I hate that word.)
One thing though....I think I figured out one thing, at least. I know why 'bots can't cry. 'Cause maybe some of us'd never stop. Crazy thought? Yup. But that's what bein' crazy's all about, ain't it?
~*~*~*
Y'know, I might call a lot of bots crazy. 'Course, that's 'cause alot of bots are crazy. Can y'blame a rat for bein' truthful? Though old grape-face's bunch'll always beat us out in the crazy department (prolly the oinly thing they'll ever beat us at -- heh), we've got some reeeeal winners on our side too. The boss-monkey, Spots, bird-dog -- yeah, we're a pretty messed up bunch.
But y'know what? I realized somethin' awhile back: I'm crazier than any of 'em put together. Not the same way Waspinator or Inferno are. The type of crazy I've got goin' is worse than any of theirs, 'cause I know I'm crazy. Not somethin' I'm all that proud of, and I sure as hell wouldn't admit it to anyone. That'd make me look ever more bonkers than I already am.
I wasn't always crazy though. Or maybe I was, but it was never anythin' like this. See, this is really ol' Chopperface's fault. If it wasn't for him, I might've been nuts, but I never would've known it. It's his fault.
If he hadn't changed sides, I never would've looked at him as more than a stinkin' pred. If he hadn't joined our side, I never would've really gotten the chance to know him. I could've just hated him for bein' a pred, and never would've hated him for bein' who he was, never would've had him grow on me. If it hadn't been for that, we never would've been friends. If he hadn't decided to go double-turncoat on us, Megatron would've never gotten the golden disk back. If he hadn't done that, those primitive humans would've never been in danger. If it hadn't been for his damn honor code, he would've waited for us to get to that valley. If he could've just held on a little longer...he wouldn't have lost his spark.
If none of that crap had ever happened, I would've never had to regret that 'bots can't cry.
After Dinobutt's been gone, I just...haven't really been the same, y'know? I might act the same an' all, sure, but nothin' really feels right no more. I've always been a wise-ass, never carin' what anyone else might've thought. I just liked to say what I thought an' felt, I just saved my own hide all the time, an' I was just peachy. Guess you could say I was always a rat -- I just got my fur a little late was all.
It ain't been that way anymore. I never used to have nightmares while I was recharrging at night. Well, scratch that -- s'more like a memory than a nightmare. Just kneelin' there beside him, clutchin' his hand like that, hopin' that maybe he'd pull through somehow. Yeah, I knew that was impossible; but it felt better than feelin' like a newborn rat that's totally helpless an' can't do a damn thing. I always wake up just as I see his spark fly away, an' realize none of it'll ever happen again. He ain't gunna fight with me the next mornin', he ain't gunna stink up the hallways, he ain't gunna grin that damn cocky grin of his.
First thing I think when I wake up is, 'Damn, I miss you Dinobutt. I miss hatin' you.' Then, my mind gets all confused. This is where the crazy comes in. I get happy, mad, an' sad all at once. I wonder, if I could see him even one more time, I honestly dunno what I'd wanna do -- sock him a good one, or hug him till his circuits turn to mush. Would I ever wanna see him again?
Yes.
No.
Maybe.
Damnit, I dunno. I just know I wanna do somethin', but what? Scream? Laugh? Try an' remember the good times with a smile? Try an' remember the bad times an' make myself hate him? What do I do now? Where'm I supposed to go from here? Dunno...I really dunno.
'Cause I dunno, I just push ahead. I just try an' figure it'll go away eventually. Eventually I'll stop wakin' up like this, eventually I'll stop feelin' like this an' everythin'll be just peachy again. Problem is, 'eventually' takes a whole lot longer than I'd like it to.
See what I mean about bein' crazy now? I know somethin's wrong with me. I know if I talked to someone, got someone to help, it might be easier. But who's there to talk to? The boss-monkey? Spots? Bird-dog? They don't understand the way my mind works. Not like Dinobutt did. So, I try an' act like myself, try an' act like nothin's wrong. It's just easier that way. If I can fool everyone else into thinkin' I'm fine, maybe I can fool myself too.
Eventually.
(Damn, I hate that word.)
One thing though....I think I figured out one thing, at least. I know why 'bots can't cry. 'Cause maybe some of us'd never stop. Crazy thought? Yup. But that's what bein' crazy's all about, ain't it?