Title: The Life that Wasn't His
Chapter 2a
Author/pseudonym: NemKess
Fandom: Saiyuki
Pairing: Hakkai/Goku main.. others to include Gojyo/Shun-Rei, Kougaiji/Yaone, Kanzeon/Jiro-kun
Rating: PG13
Status: WIP
E-mail address for feedback::

Disclaimers: Goku and Hakkai belong to me? I could only wish. Nope, not mine. No copyright infringement is intended and no money is made. This is purely to silence the voices in my head.

Summary: After a serious injury, Hakkai wakes up to find things... a little different than he remembers.
Warnings: Mostly AU. Shonen ai. Het. References to Incest.
For the better part of two days, all Hakkai did was rest and allow Goku to pamper him back to health. It was one of the most peaceful times he could ever remember experiencing in his life and the demon was starting to doubt that this new world and this human Goku were mere fabrications of his dreaming mind or an illusion. Unless, of course, his or the enemie's imaginations were far more extensive than he'd ever realized. Careful study of the room he'd woken in and the rest of the small house had revealed a thousand tiny details that no dream or illusionist would never bother with- if it even occurred to them that such a thing would be in a house. A bloody handkerchief behind the trashcan where it had landed after Goku had hurriedly tossed it away and missed, a level of technology that he'd read about but never seen evidenced in such mundane things as a toaster here and a stereo there, a carefully organized bookshelf filled with an eclectic collection of books and manga. Everywhere he looked was evidence of a well settled life shared between a pair of friends and lovers.

And the possibility of it being a trap had diminished as well. The only chance he had of being killed here seemed to be if Goku accidentally smothered him with love and affection. Hakkai was beginning to understand where the resentment and dislike had come from in Sanzo's voice before. The emotion he saw reflected in Goku's eyes every time the younger man looked at him burned more brightly and fiercely than anything Hakkai had ever seen. He'd never thought he'd ever see anything that came close to what he'd felt for Kanan. But while it was entirely possible that his own memory was faulty, this seemed like forest fire compared to campfire. If his own feelings for Kanan had driven him to insanity when she'd died, had driven him to completely decimate an entire clan of demons- not counting the humans who'd given her to them in the first place- what would this do?

Here there was no Seiten Taisen to overwhelm Goku if he was dealt such a harsh blow.

As Hakkai pondered the possibilities of that, he sighed and rolled back onto his side in the bed. It was a disturbing quandary to be sure, but it was off course and not what he was supposed to be trying to figure out.

His own predicament required his more immediate attention.

If he wasn't in a dream and it wasn't an illusion or some sort of strange trap, then the only other things he could think of were that he was dead and this was his convoluted heaven/hell or that he was in some sort of alternate or parallel universe. Either circumstance seemed a great deal more possible than his earliest suspicions. He could easily see a certain bored goddess messing with his head like this and the theories of alternate worlds had never been completely disproved.

The alternate universe was his preferred theory, of course, as it didn't involve his death. He also figured he might accidently be able to work himself out of it. Death was rather permanent, but if one could get one's self into an alternate universe, surely one could get one's self out of it. Besides which, he lost nothing if he approached this as a workable problem. If he was dead and this was just for the amusement of Kanzeon Bosatsu, well, then at least the goddess would be entertained.

Of course, if this was an alternate universe and he was here in place of the Hakkai that belonged here, then more than likely this world's Hakkai was there in his place. It wasn't a very comforting thought. His own world was no place for an essentially innocent human. As soon as the others realized 'Hakkai' wasn't who he was supposed to be, he'd be lucky if Sanzo didn't shoot him. Sanzo was like that. For all that he preached non-attachment, the monk was quick to shoot first and ask questions later when anything threatened the group.

Rubbing his temples, Hakkai sighed again. All this theorizing was making him hungry. He couldn't help but smile at the distinctly Goku-ish thought.

The brunette got up and wandered into the small kitchenette. Goku had left a couple of hours earlier, citing that he needed to go touch base with his aunt and swing by work to make sure Sanzo still had a handle on things. Hakkai still hadn't managed to figure out just what Goku did without tipping the other man off that he wasn't supposed to be here. There was little doubt in his mind that the human had already entertained such suspicions the first day he'd allowed Hakkai to wander around under his own steam. The demon knew Goku had caught him mapping out the house, trying to get a feel for where everything was. Thankfully the doctor Kanzeon had sent had arrived the same day and assured them both that a little memory loss wasn't unusual in concussed patients.

Hakkai suspected it was only Goku's desire for things to be right and true that allowed him to ignore any misgivings he had about his injured lover's odd behavior. He knew Goku had noticed the limiters but so far hadn't mentioned them. He'd worried about the scars on his stomach, but after two nights of sharing a bed clothed in far less than he was used to, that worry was gone. Apparently the scars were as much a part of Goku's real lover as they were of him. He couldn't imagine that they'd been gotten the same way, but so far had found no opportunity to ask without raising questions he couldn't answer.

It had become very important to keep up the pretense as Hakkai had realized that the world around him wasn't used to such oddities. If he'd woken up and tried to explain that while he was Hakkai, he wasn't Goku's Hakkai and that he'd really traveled here via head injury from an alternate universe and yes, he was a demon, couldn't you tell? Well.... More than likely he'd have ended up hospitalized for insanity. And how would he get himself back to his own world if he was locked up in a little white room?

Not to mention the slight detail that, if t this was his goddess-constructed heaven/hell, then Kanzeon might just get bored with that scenario and drop him into something far worse.

Fixing himself a sandwich, Hakkai moved back into the living room and made himself comfortable on the sofa. From under the center table, he fished out several photo albums he'd noticed the day before. He wasn't sure yet if the Hakkai he was supposed to be was sentimental enough to be pouring through such things out of the blue.

The first was filled with a random mix of friends and enemies that he's already seen in the picture in their room. Although each was obviously candid and done at home, the quality of them was beyond what he'd imagined after seeing the other two. Whoever had taken these took their photography hobby seriously. His own small, precise handwriting gave little anecdotes along the side of each picture and between the two, Hakkai was able to get a pretty good idea of how life in this new world worked for Goku and his other self.

Gojyo and Shun-Rei, he decided, made quite a cute couple. There wasn't a single picture where they weren't looking playful and cheerful. In several, Sanzo appeared looking more than a little grumpy but all in all not too unhappy about being there- even in the one where Gojyo had him in a chokehold while Shun-Rei messed up his hair. Hakkai chuckled lightly at that picture.

Kou and company seemed to stay in a group as they always had. There was one of Kougaiji and Yaone alone. It looked like the photographer had caught them at an intimate moment, their faces leaning close together in prelude to a kiss. It was a beautiful picture. Another was of Lirin smiling widely and flashing a V-sign. Doukaji did not appear in any alone. He was always with the group or with Gojyo and Shun-Rei.

Reading neatly printed notes along the side, he was startled to realize that in this reality at least, not only were Gojyo and Doukaji half-siblings, but Kougaji and Lirin were distantly related to Gojyo as well. How oddly..... fitting. He was glad to see that at least one Gojyo out there had lived a good, happy life filled with family that loved him.

The second album had his hands trembling. Labeled 'family', it held photos similar to the one that had come before. Only this time the main people depicted were Sanzo, Kanzeon Bosatsu and her servant.... and Kanan. There were a couple of old photographs that were marked as both his and Goku's parents, but not very many. Hakkai had the impression that both sets had died well before either Goku or his alternate had gotten very old.

Kanan, it seemed, was not his older sister in this world as he'd presumed but was instead his twin. There were a great deal of pictures of them together but not one held anything other than sibling affection between them. Even in the older photographs, the ones he assumed were 'pre-Goku' times, offered not even a hint that either of them might have considered the other to be more than their cherished brother or sister.

"I suppose this means I'm an oddity even unto myself," he murmured under his breath.

In the case of Goku and Sanzo's photos, it was very much the opposite. Goku's hero-worship and plain adoration shone through even the oldest of them. It was something Hakkai recognized easily. Most of the rest of the pictures were of Sanzo by himself. He smiled in them frequently if faintly. In fact, the warmth with which Sanzo seemed to turn towards the camera led Hakkai to believe that it was probably Goku himself who'd taken many of the photos. The easy affection on the blonde's face both suited him and looked odd at the same time. These were not the expressions of a man who called his cousin's lover a whore, nor were they like anything he'd seen on a certain priest's face

It was only as Hakkai flipped towards the back of the book, following the progression of years, that he began forming a suspicion about the cause of the older Sanzo's disgruntlement and dislike. More than simple worry, as Goku had dismissed it as, if he wasn't badly mistaken.

Sanzo was jealous.

He chuckled faintly at the novelty of the idea before putting it away to think about later. He hadn't even been faced with Sanzo yet. Worrying about how to deal with the jealous not-quite-ex could come later.

For now Hakkai turned his attention to the final book. The cover was another copy of their couple photo in the bedroom inside a heart-shaped wreath of green and gold paint. Under it in pretty calligraphy read, 'Hakkai & Goku, Forever'.

Sweet, the dark haired man thought as he eyed it. Sweet enough to give one a cavity. Luckily, he didn't think that either he or Goku had actually written it. The small initials in the corner were C.K.. Kanan's handiwork, if he had to guess.

It was the only album that boasted more than a few photos of Goku. The quality of these weren't nearly as good as the others, cementing Hakkai's belief that Goku was the main photographer.

Still, what they lacked in professionalism, they more than made up for in sheer emotion.

Goku was not the only one madly in love, he realized.

The simple genuine joy on the familiar face made Hakkai ache. He could barely remember anymore, but he'd seen that expression before. When he'd occasioned to see his own face in a mirror or a passing window in those long-past days with Kanan.

The Hakkai of this world loved Goku as deeply as he ever had Kanan. Perhaps even more so as this love had had it's chance to grow stronger over time. It's roots were deep and it's blossoms brilliant.

He definitely needed to find a way to put things to rights again and quickly. These two belonged together.

"Are you done being sentimental?"

Hakkai started as arms slipped around his neck and a kiss was pressed against his temple. He hadn't even heard Goku come in. Perhaps he was more injured than he'd believed if a mere human could sneak up on him.

"I suppose so, for the moment at least." At least his companion didn't seem to think it odd that he was sitting there pouring over old memories.

Goku chuckled and gave a squeeze before standing up straight again. "Good, it's almost dinner time, in case it slipped your mind, and I for one am hungry. Let's go to Paul's. I'm in the mood for the buffet tonight."

As Goku rambled on about food, Hakkai couldn't help but be comforted by the one thing that was very definitely exactly the same as in his world.

At least some things never changed.

TBC

Author's Notes

I worry that this chapter was too boring and too info packed, but it can't really be helped I guess. Hakkai has a very methodical way of doing things after all and it's not like there's going to be a pack of demons waiting to pounce on him hiding in the closet, ne? I also worry that people might feel that I was trivializing this Hakkai's relationship with Kanan in the comparison to this Goku's with his Hakkai. I really wasn't, I was just trying to show just how much the alternate pair loved each other. Hakkai/Kanan happens to be a favorite of mine and I dislike dismissing her out of hand. I want to thank Selah-kaasan for taking time out of her morning to beta it ASAP for me. I'm writing quite a bit lately, and though much of it seems to be centered around drabbles and short one-shots, I am still working on all my WIPs. Slowly but surely, right? I don't think this fic will end up nearly as long as I'd originally feared despite it's being a sort of... doubled fic. Some of the middle bits have rearranged themselves in a more efficient manner and I think it'll make it easier to read and to write. And now I'm babbling so I'll shut up. Thanks everyone! NemKess

Notes to Reviewers
HououMegami- uh.. Sorry? ;; This one is a bit longer, so maybe it makes up for the deplorable shortness of the last one?
Koryu-Sanzo- Thank you very much! I am always happy to hear someone new is enjoying a Hakkai/Goku fic.