Title: The Confidante
Author: UNC_Annie
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to CSI, and I'm just having a little fun.
Summary: Set immediately after the events of Crash and Burn, Sara and Catherine have a long-overdue bonding session. C/S friendship, GSR
Spoilers: Everything up to Crash and Burn, and there are lots of them.
A/N: This is my first CSI fanfic and it turned out very different than I envisioned it originally. Comments of any kind are very much appreciated.
Catherine watched as Sara walked out of the precinct, her head held high but her eyes filled with pain. She opened the door and slid into the Tahoe without a word, her silence confirming everything Catherine already knew.
"You got plans?"
"Nope."
Catherine was took a breath, biting back a hateful lecture on the cheating hearts of men. Sara needed friendship right now. She was more hurt than angry. The anger would come later. "You want to go get a beer?"
Sara's lips curled up into a half-smile but it would have been obvious to anyone that she was anything but happy. She seemed to debate the offer for a second, then shook her head in resignation. "Drive."
Sara leaned back against the seat, closing her eyes briefly, and Catherine could guess from experience that Sara was struggling valiantly to keep her emotions in check. She was quiet, giving Sara as much privacy as she could, despite their close proximity in the vehicle.
When Sara opened her eyes a few moments later, she seemed surprised to see that they were headed away from the strip. When Catherine had suggested drinks, Sara had obviously assumed she'd meant someplace loud where bright lights and alcohol-induced euphoria would crowd out the emotions that were colliding in her mind. She looked at Catherine questioningly, but said nothing.
"I know a great little place away from all the action," Catherine responded casually. "It's sort of an escape from the tourists."
Sara nodded, then leaned back again, squeezing her eyes closed.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all, Catherine worried. Quiet meant they'd have to fill the silence with conversation, and Sara likely wouldn't want to discuss this with anyone, least of all her. On the surface, that Sara would turn to Catherine for comfort of advice hardly seemed surprising given the older woman's propensity for sharing her own tribulations at the hands of an unfaithful man. However, the relationship the two women shared was at times barely more than civil and by no means could be considered a true friendship.
After a few more minutes of the silent ride, Catherine slid into a parking space and shifted into park. Sara sighed heavily and reached for the door handle.
"If you'd rather, we could go back to my place." Catherine's voice was soft, more sympathetic than normal, at least when it was directed at Sara.
"This is fine," Sara said, her voice devoid of emotion.
Catherine smiled sadly at Sara's back as she followed her into the bar. Though they could hardly be called friends, she cared about the younger woman and hated to see her in the pain she knew she must be feeling. She followed Sara through the door, then nodded in the direction of an empty booth near the back of the smoky room. They slid into the booth, facing each other, and Catherine watched as Sara took in her surroundings.
After a moment of silent examination, Sara finally spoke. "Smoke. Jukebox. Country music. This looks like a place Nick would pick out and you'd complain about."
Catherine grinned. "Hey, a girl's gotta have a few secrets."
Their waitress approached and took their orders for beer, returning almost immediately with the cold bottles. Catherine could see Sara's obvious relief when the drinks arrived promptly, probably happy to have something to do in order to fill the silence. She took a sip from her bottle and watched as Sara focused and inordinate amount of attention on peeling the label from her glass bottle.
Catherine repressed a sigh and wondered again if this had been a good idea. She knew all too well how much Sara needed a friend right now, but was she really in any place to offer her comfort? Surely she could sympathize, but would Sara want to open up to her? Maybe she would have been better off to take her home or back to the lab. Maybe she'd rather be alone. Or at least with someone else. Nick maybe.
"Do you think I'm a good CSI?"
Sara's question was so soft that Catherine would have missed it had there not been a gap in the music. The question jarred her back to reality and left her grappling for a response. "Do I think -- Of course I think you're a good CSI, Sara. You're one of the best. You have the highest solve rate of anyone in the department." Catherine scrambled to get her footing in the conversation. Slowly a nagging sense of guilt made its way into her consciousness. "Sara.... Sara, listen, when Eddie died, I was distraught. I was sick with worry about Lindsey. I wasn't in my right mind. I said a lot of things I didn't mean, things that were totally uncalled for. I know that I should have apologized for that a long time ago, but...honestly... I'd hoped you'd chalked it up to the situation and forgotten about it. For what it's worth now, I'm really sorry. You're a great CSI. No one could have handled the case better than you did. I know that."
Sara was quiet, her gaze focused on her hands where they lay limp on the table. "If I'm such a good CSI, how did I miss this? How could I not have seen?"
"Oh, Sara...." Catherine's voice caught in her throat as she watched Sara's face.
"I feel so stupid."
"I know you do. But it's not your fault," Catherine said gently. "This is why we're not supposed to work on cases where we have a personal connection. It's just too hard to see the truth when you're emotionally uninvolved. I know you're doubting yourself right now, but trust me, this isn't your fault. You didn't know. You couldn't have known. It's so easy miss. You're supposed to be able to trust people. You can't examine your personal life like you do your cases. No one can do that."
Sara was quiet for a second and Catherine's mind raced for reassurances.
"He wasn't cheating on me."
Catherine raised an eyebrow, but kept quiet waiting for clarification.
"He wasn't cheating on me. He was cheating on her...with me."
Catherine winced at the emptiness in Sara's voice. "Sara, he lied to you."
"No, you don't understand. No matter how many times I corrected people, no one would listen to me. He wasn't my boyfriend. We never made any sort of ... commitment ... to each other. We were just ... friends. Elaine.... Elaine was his girlfriend. She called him her boyfriend. He took her on vacations. She was a huge part of his life. I was just.... I was just 'the other woman' ... and I didn't even know it."
Catherine's heart ached at Sara's confession. "Sara, this is not your fault. How could you have known? He may not have made a commitment to you, but how could you have known there was someone else if he didn't tell you? How could you have known that he was lying to you?"
"Every day people lie to me. Everyday I search for the truth. But when it comes to my own life, I'm so blind. Over and over. How many more people in my life are living a lie?"
Catherine searched for context for that last comment.
"Melissa," Sara said softly, answering Catherine's unspoken question.
"Sarah, you didn't even know her when that happened. No one suspected. How could you have known? When you did look into it, you solved it. You were the only one who found the truth."
"She was one of my best friends. I know that's not saying much since I don't exactly have a huge collection of confidantes, but I trusted her, I respected her, and I considered her a friend. And she was a murderer."
They sat in silence for a minute, finishing their beers and gesturing for a second round. When the fresh drinks arrived, Catherine was the first to break the silence.
"I know this sounds trite, but it'll get better. I promise. When Eddie and I split up, I thought my life was over. Even though I knew it was the right decision, I just couldn't imagine my life without him. But I moved on. You will too. You're a strong woman, Sara."
Sara laughed humorlessly. "I almost wish I felt that way – like I couldn't go on without him. What do you think it says about me that I don't even care? That I'm not even going to miss him?"
"You're still in shock. Don't be too hasty to judge your emotions."
"No, it's not just shock. I mean, I know I'll miss hanging out with him. He was fun. He made me laugh. But I don't love him. I never did. I never even wanted anything more than friendship until...." She let out a laugh that sounded suspiciously like a sob and scrubbed her hand over her face. "God, he was the...consolation prize," she spit out. "I thought I could settle for him ... and then it turns out that even he doesn't want me."
Sara buried her face in her hands and fought to compose herself, leaving Catherine to grapple with the information she wasn't sure Sara had consciously revealed.
"You didn't want anything more than friendship?" Catherine asked timidly, afraid Sara would realize how much she had revealed and begin to withdraw.
"No. I just liked being with him. There was no pressure. We were just friends. We went to movies together. It was easy. And it got everyone off my back. No more, 'You need to get out more, Sara' or 'You need a diversion, Sara' or 'Get a life, Sara.'"
"We care about you, Sara. We never meant to push you into something you didn't want. We just wanted you to be happy. We didn't mean, "Get a life."
Sara rolled her eyes. "That wasn't you. That was Grissom."
Catherine could feel her jaw drop in surprise. "Grissom told you to get a life?"
"It was during that whole Haviland mess, when Gerard was snooping all over the place. He told Grissom that Hank and I were having a 'relationship.' I told Grissom that we were just friends. He dismissed it; ignored me. He told me that whatever happened, it wasn't my fault for seeing Hank. He said, 'You deserve to have a life.'"
Catherine sighted heavily hearing the subtle difference between the two phrases but knowing how easy it would be to misinterpret one as the other...especially if you were hearing it from the man with whom you were in love. Catherine winced, acknowledging that fact for the first time, though in truth she must have known it much longer. She had long been aware of the mutual attraction between Sara and Grissom, the constant flirting and unnecessary touching. She'd written most of it off to Sara's flirty personality and Grissom's comfort with her due to their long-standing friendship. But she must have known deep down that is was not nearly that simple. How long had Sara been in love with Grissom? Had there ever been a time since she'd come to Vegas that she hadn't been in love with him at least a little? Probably not, she realized.
"What made you change your mind?" Catherine asked, nudging the conversation back to life.
Sara looked up, confused.
"You said that originally you didn't want anything more than friendship with Hank. I assume that means something changed you mind?"
Immediately Catherine could see Sara throwing up metaphorical walls. "It was nothing. I was just lonely. It was the next logical step."
"Sara...."
Sara looked up and met Catherine's gaze, holding it for just a moment before looking away again. "I've already said too much."
"You can tell me, Sara. I want to help. I want to listen."
Sara sighed. "It was right after Eddie died. The case was so stressful. I wanted so badly to solve it for you. I knew how important it was. He was Lindsey's father.... But I couldn't do it. The evidence just wasn't there. I couldn't find it."
Sara's voice cracked and Catherine could see that she was on the verge of tears. She felt tears prick her own eyes and wanted to break in and tell Sara that she knew she'd done her best – to apologize once again for being so hard on her – but she was afraid to interrupt while Sara was opening up to her.
Sara took a shaky breath and continued. "You were so mad at me. I knew you didn't mean it. I knew you were just upset and worried. But I already felt like such a failure. I just needed someone to tell me that I'd done all I could, that it wasn't my fault. I went to Grissom's office, but he wasn't there. I ... I needed him. I thought he'd gone and I'd just talk to him later. I was about to leave, but then I ran into Brass. I asked him if he'd seen Grissom...."
Sara's voice faltered and Catherine wracked her brain, trying to put the missing pieces together. Suddenly it clicked into place. "Oh my god. He was at Lady Heather's."
Sara nodded, the tears beginning to slip down her cheeks. "Brass said Grissom had just called from Lady Heather's. I didn't think anything of it at first. I knew he was working on a case. But then...O'Reilly showed up and ... well, let's just say that their conversation made it very clear that Grissom wasn't there on business – our business anyway," she said, unable to keep the bitterness from creeping into her voice.
"And that's when you decided to settle for Hank?" Catherine asked, repeating Sara's earlier word choice.
"It wasn't a conscious decision. I was just devastated. I thought.... I'd always thought that if I just waited long enough, if I just gave him enough time.... And suddenly it was clear that there would never be enough time; that he would never want me. But Hank was there, and he wanted me. Or so I thought...." She snorted derisively. "I don't even know how I ended up at his apartment that day. I just found myself there. I needed someone to comfort me. He never told me that he loved me. He never made any promises. Yes, he's probably guilty of leading me on, but I'm a big girl. I knew what I was getting into. I wasn't looking for true love. I just wanted someone to want me. Even if it was just for a little while. Afterwards...I guess I wasn't very good at separating sex and emotions. I thought that...since we'd made love...that was the beginning of something. Even though he never said it, even though we never discussed it, it was like something changed. I started to actually view it as a relationship. I thought of him as my boyfriend, even though he wasn't. I made myself want him. Anytime my thoughts would stray...I would force them back to him. Hank was the one I wanted now. Hank was my boyfriend. I didn't want anyone else. I think for a little while I even had myself convinced."
Catherine sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, contemplating her next comment. What could she possibly say to make Sara feel better?
"God, I really shouldn't be telling you this. What am I doing?" Sara shifted uncomfortably in her seat, her eyes darting around as if looking for the nearest exit.
"I'm glad you did. It helps to talk."
"Really? People always say that, but does it really? What exactly does talking solve? I'm just as miserable as I was before and now I'm stressed because I confided something I've never told another soul to the one person most likely to...." The unfinished sentence hung over the table.
"I'm not going tell anyone else about this conversation – especially not Grissom. You can't honestly think I would do that to you."
"I don't know what I think. I'd like to think you wouldn't, but.... Honestly, Grissom is your friend. You've known him for over a decade. You don't even particularly like me. Clearly your loyalty is to him, as it should be."
"I like you, Sara. I know I don't always show it, but I do. No, we're not best friends. Yes, sometimes we rub each other the wrong way. But I care about you."
Sara was silent, and Catherine realized there was still more to be said.
"Have you ever wondered why it seems like I don't like you sometimes?"
"What is there to wonder about?" Sara asked, not bothering to look up from the table. "We rub each other the wrong way."
"I'm intimidated by you." Catherine's stomach clenched with the admission. She hated to admit it, but trust was a two way street. If she wanted Sara to be honest with her, it was time she come clean about a few things as well. She watched as Sara's eyebrows rose quickly, but the other woman stayed silent, so she continued. "From the day that you arrived, I've been intimidated by you. I was used to being the only woman on the team, and suddenly there you were. And you were young and brilliant – you can run circles around me. Things that I've spent years trying to understand come naturally to you. And even though I tried to make it rough for you in the beginning, it didn't take long for everyone to be won over by you. First Nick, and then even Warrick -- despite the fact that you were brought here specifically to investigate him. One by one every one of the lab techs developed a crush on you."
"All I ever wanted was to fit in. Nick and Warrick may have been friendly with me, but they were your friends."
"I know, and I was being stupid and petty. I should have welcomed you and tried to be your friend instead of competing with you."
Sara waved her hand dismissively, apparently ready to let bygones be bygones.
"That wasn't the only reason I was jealous of you." She waited until Sara looked up before continuing. "You're right, Grissom is my friend. We've been friends for a long time. And just for the record - there's never been anything more than friendship there. I think that's one of the things I treasure most about our friendship, actually. It was never like that. He accepted me for who I was, and I never saw him as one of those guys who pretended to be my friend in the hopes that it would lead to bedroom. He respected me and he gave me a chance when no one else would. When I first got I hired I was fresh out of night school and the only job I'd ever held involved taking my clothes off in front of a live audience. Not exactly Harvard."
"You've proven yourself, Cath. I can't even imagine how hard it was for you to do what you did with your life, but you did it. And everyone respects you."
"Now, they do. After fifteen years of busting my ass. But try to imagine what it was like for me then, and then know that I went home to a husband who loved to rough me up and never let me forget that he saved me from an addiction to cocaine that was spiraling out of control." Sara was silent and Catherine could see the shock in her eyes. "We all have our secrets."
"Anyway," Catherine continued, toying with her beer bottle. "I worked hard to turn my life around, only to have the rest of the team double check every move I made and whisper about my behind my back. Grissom was the only one who gave me a chance. I sometimes think that if it hadn't been for him, I would've quit my first month. He stood by me for years, offering his quiet support whenever I needed it. I loved that I could depend on him, and I loved that I felt like he was friend – a rare thing for Grissom. So when he made the announcement that he was bringing you in to do the investigation, I hated you before I even saw you. I hated that he was bringing anyone else in to do the internal investigation – I wanted it handled privately. And not only was he bringing in someone else, he was bringing in 'a friend' – someone he trusted. The highest praise from Grissom. And honestly, in the fifteen years we've been friends, I'm not sure I've ever heard him say those words about me. I'm sure he thinks them, but the fact that he uses them so sparingly, then laid it all out when he was introducing us to the idea of you...well, I wasn't pleased."
"I was only supposed to be here for a week or so. Just long enough to do one investigation. How threatened could you have been?"
"Ah yes, but you weren't just here for a week. And I knew from the moment I saw him with say your name that there was no way he'd ever let you go back to San Francisco if he had any control over the situation. I knew he'd ask you to stay."
"That's funny, given that his offer shocked me. I never dreamed he'd ask me to stay."
"It was his intention all along. We discussed it the night before he made his offer."
"He wanted to know what you thought of me?"
Catherine laughed. "Hardly. It was one of the few conversations I've ever had with him when I felt like my opinion was totally disregarded. He didn't ask me if he should offer you the job, he told me he was going to do it. And when I told him that he should widen the search, maybe just ask you to fill in temporarily and let you apply with everyone else, he didn't even pause to consider it. 'I don't want anyone else, Catherine. I want her.'"
Sara's eyes widened and she inhaled slowly and deeply.
"Those were his words, Sara. Not mine. Make of them what you will."
Her face fell and Catherine watched as she blinked back tears. "There's nothing to make of them. I mean, I could do it -- I could read so much into that. I've been doing it for years – seeing hope where there is none. But I know the truth now. It was nothing personal: the lab needed me."
"The lab needed a CSI. Grissom needed you."
"Don't do this to me," Sara pleaded, burying her face in her hands. "Do you have any idea how much I want to believe that? But even if it was true then, it's not true anymore. He's barely speaking to me. He vacillates between contempt and indifference."
"I'm not going to lie and pretend to understand what's going on in his head. He's a complicated man. But men in general aren't as complicated as we sometimes think they are, and if he were any other man, I'd say his recent behavior towards you is pure jealousy."
"Jealousy? All he has to do is ask me out – it's all he's ever had to do."
"Oh, Sara. It's not that simple. Look at it from his perspective. First of all, he's your supervisor. I don't know the official lab policy on intra-office relationships, but I'm guessing they aren't smiled upon. Even if they aren't forbidden, it would be so complicated. Not just for him, for you. Do you think he wants to subject you to the type of speculation that would occur if the two of you started dating? Secondly, you're fifteen years younger than him. That may not be an issue to you, but it's bound to make him insecure. Even if he can force himself to believe that you are attracted to him now – as baffling as I'm sure that is to him – I'm willing to be he thinks there's no way his luck will hold out. How long would it be before you found someone younger and better looking."
"I wouldn't--"
Catherine held up a hand to stave off her protest. "I know. I believe you, Sara. But it's not my fear. It's not my insecurity. It's not my heart on the line."
"What should I do?" Her voice was tinged with equal parts resignation and desperation.
"I don't know. I wish I had the answer for you. I can't guarantee you anything, Sara. I'm not a miracle worker. All I can tell you is.... if you really love him, don't give up. I've always known it would take someone really special to get through to him. He doesn't let just anyone in. We sometimes think of his as unfeeling because he's such a stoic most of the time. But honestly I think he's very sensitive – more so than most people even – he just hides it well."
"I know. I've accused him in the past of being unfeeling. I knew even as I said it that it wasn't true. He's just so private."
"Yes, he is. A relationship with him would be difficult. You know how frustrating friendship with him can be, imagine that a thousand fold. Before you spend anymore time thinking about this, maybe you should make sure it's worth it."
Catherine didn't have to wait long for the response she'd expected. Sara didn't even hesitate, never bothering to look up from the label she was peeling. "He's worth it."
They were quiet for a few minutes, until Sara finally lifted her gaze to meet Catherine's. "I'm feeling pretty tired. Would you mind if we headed home now?"
Catherine shook her head and gathered up her things, dropping some money on the table. Sara reached for her purse but Catherine stopped her. "This one's on me. We should have done this a long time ago."
Sara smiled her appreciation and followed Catherine to the car in silence. They drove back to the lab where Catherine dropped Sara at her car. "I'll see you at work tonight."
"Yeah," Sara responded distractedly. "See you then."
She climbed out of the Tahoe and started to close the door, then hesitated. "Hey, Cath.... Thank you."
"Anytime," Catherine said with a smile. To her surprise, she found herself really meaning it, and hoping that Sara would take her up on it. This was a friendship that was long overdue.
Author: UNC_Annie
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to CSI, and I'm just having a little fun.
Summary: Set immediately after the events of Crash and Burn, Sara and Catherine have a long-overdue bonding session. C/S friendship, GSR
Spoilers: Everything up to Crash and Burn, and there are lots of them.
A/N: This is my first CSI fanfic and it turned out very different than I envisioned it originally. Comments of any kind are very much appreciated.
Catherine watched as Sara walked out of the precinct, her head held high but her eyes filled with pain. She opened the door and slid into the Tahoe without a word, her silence confirming everything Catherine already knew.
"You got plans?"
"Nope."
Catherine was took a breath, biting back a hateful lecture on the cheating hearts of men. Sara needed friendship right now. She was more hurt than angry. The anger would come later. "You want to go get a beer?"
Sara's lips curled up into a half-smile but it would have been obvious to anyone that she was anything but happy. She seemed to debate the offer for a second, then shook her head in resignation. "Drive."
Sara leaned back against the seat, closing her eyes briefly, and Catherine could guess from experience that Sara was struggling valiantly to keep her emotions in check. She was quiet, giving Sara as much privacy as she could, despite their close proximity in the vehicle.
When Sara opened her eyes a few moments later, she seemed surprised to see that they were headed away from the strip. When Catherine had suggested drinks, Sara had obviously assumed she'd meant someplace loud where bright lights and alcohol-induced euphoria would crowd out the emotions that were colliding in her mind. She looked at Catherine questioningly, but said nothing.
"I know a great little place away from all the action," Catherine responded casually. "It's sort of an escape from the tourists."
Sara nodded, then leaned back again, squeezing her eyes closed.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all, Catherine worried. Quiet meant they'd have to fill the silence with conversation, and Sara likely wouldn't want to discuss this with anyone, least of all her. On the surface, that Sara would turn to Catherine for comfort of advice hardly seemed surprising given the older woman's propensity for sharing her own tribulations at the hands of an unfaithful man. However, the relationship the two women shared was at times barely more than civil and by no means could be considered a true friendship.
After a few more minutes of the silent ride, Catherine slid into a parking space and shifted into park. Sara sighed heavily and reached for the door handle.
"If you'd rather, we could go back to my place." Catherine's voice was soft, more sympathetic than normal, at least when it was directed at Sara.
"This is fine," Sara said, her voice devoid of emotion.
Catherine smiled sadly at Sara's back as she followed her into the bar. Though they could hardly be called friends, she cared about the younger woman and hated to see her in the pain she knew she must be feeling. She followed Sara through the door, then nodded in the direction of an empty booth near the back of the smoky room. They slid into the booth, facing each other, and Catherine watched as Sara took in her surroundings.
After a moment of silent examination, Sara finally spoke. "Smoke. Jukebox. Country music. This looks like a place Nick would pick out and you'd complain about."
Catherine grinned. "Hey, a girl's gotta have a few secrets."
Their waitress approached and took their orders for beer, returning almost immediately with the cold bottles. Catherine could see Sara's obvious relief when the drinks arrived promptly, probably happy to have something to do in order to fill the silence. She took a sip from her bottle and watched as Sara focused and inordinate amount of attention on peeling the label from her glass bottle.
Catherine repressed a sigh and wondered again if this had been a good idea. She knew all too well how much Sara needed a friend right now, but was she really in any place to offer her comfort? Surely she could sympathize, but would Sara want to open up to her? Maybe she would have been better off to take her home or back to the lab. Maybe she'd rather be alone. Or at least with someone else. Nick maybe.
"Do you think I'm a good CSI?"
Sara's question was so soft that Catherine would have missed it had there not been a gap in the music. The question jarred her back to reality and left her grappling for a response. "Do I think -- Of course I think you're a good CSI, Sara. You're one of the best. You have the highest solve rate of anyone in the department." Catherine scrambled to get her footing in the conversation. Slowly a nagging sense of guilt made its way into her consciousness. "Sara.... Sara, listen, when Eddie died, I was distraught. I was sick with worry about Lindsey. I wasn't in my right mind. I said a lot of things I didn't mean, things that were totally uncalled for. I know that I should have apologized for that a long time ago, but...honestly... I'd hoped you'd chalked it up to the situation and forgotten about it. For what it's worth now, I'm really sorry. You're a great CSI. No one could have handled the case better than you did. I know that."
Sara was quiet, her gaze focused on her hands where they lay limp on the table. "If I'm such a good CSI, how did I miss this? How could I not have seen?"
"Oh, Sara...." Catherine's voice caught in her throat as she watched Sara's face.
"I feel so stupid."
"I know you do. But it's not your fault," Catherine said gently. "This is why we're not supposed to work on cases where we have a personal connection. It's just too hard to see the truth when you're emotionally uninvolved. I know you're doubting yourself right now, but trust me, this isn't your fault. You didn't know. You couldn't have known. It's so easy miss. You're supposed to be able to trust people. You can't examine your personal life like you do your cases. No one can do that."
Sara was quiet for a second and Catherine's mind raced for reassurances.
"He wasn't cheating on me."
Catherine raised an eyebrow, but kept quiet waiting for clarification.
"He wasn't cheating on me. He was cheating on her...with me."
Catherine winced at the emptiness in Sara's voice. "Sara, he lied to you."
"No, you don't understand. No matter how many times I corrected people, no one would listen to me. He wasn't my boyfriend. We never made any sort of ... commitment ... to each other. We were just ... friends. Elaine.... Elaine was his girlfriend. She called him her boyfriend. He took her on vacations. She was a huge part of his life. I was just.... I was just 'the other woman' ... and I didn't even know it."
Catherine's heart ached at Sara's confession. "Sara, this is not your fault. How could you have known? He may not have made a commitment to you, but how could you have known there was someone else if he didn't tell you? How could you have known that he was lying to you?"
"Every day people lie to me. Everyday I search for the truth. But when it comes to my own life, I'm so blind. Over and over. How many more people in my life are living a lie?"
Catherine searched for context for that last comment.
"Melissa," Sara said softly, answering Catherine's unspoken question.
"Sarah, you didn't even know her when that happened. No one suspected. How could you have known? When you did look into it, you solved it. You were the only one who found the truth."
"She was one of my best friends. I know that's not saying much since I don't exactly have a huge collection of confidantes, but I trusted her, I respected her, and I considered her a friend. And she was a murderer."
They sat in silence for a minute, finishing their beers and gesturing for a second round. When the fresh drinks arrived, Catherine was the first to break the silence.
"I know this sounds trite, but it'll get better. I promise. When Eddie and I split up, I thought my life was over. Even though I knew it was the right decision, I just couldn't imagine my life without him. But I moved on. You will too. You're a strong woman, Sara."
Sara laughed humorlessly. "I almost wish I felt that way – like I couldn't go on without him. What do you think it says about me that I don't even care? That I'm not even going to miss him?"
"You're still in shock. Don't be too hasty to judge your emotions."
"No, it's not just shock. I mean, I know I'll miss hanging out with him. He was fun. He made me laugh. But I don't love him. I never did. I never even wanted anything more than friendship until...." She let out a laugh that sounded suspiciously like a sob and scrubbed her hand over her face. "God, he was the...consolation prize," she spit out. "I thought I could settle for him ... and then it turns out that even he doesn't want me."
Sara buried her face in her hands and fought to compose herself, leaving Catherine to grapple with the information she wasn't sure Sara had consciously revealed.
"You didn't want anything more than friendship?" Catherine asked timidly, afraid Sara would realize how much she had revealed and begin to withdraw.
"No. I just liked being with him. There was no pressure. We were just friends. We went to movies together. It was easy. And it got everyone off my back. No more, 'You need to get out more, Sara' or 'You need a diversion, Sara' or 'Get a life, Sara.'"
"We care about you, Sara. We never meant to push you into something you didn't want. We just wanted you to be happy. We didn't mean, "Get a life."
Sara rolled her eyes. "That wasn't you. That was Grissom."
Catherine could feel her jaw drop in surprise. "Grissom told you to get a life?"
"It was during that whole Haviland mess, when Gerard was snooping all over the place. He told Grissom that Hank and I were having a 'relationship.' I told Grissom that we were just friends. He dismissed it; ignored me. He told me that whatever happened, it wasn't my fault for seeing Hank. He said, 'You deserve to have a life.'"
Catherine sighted heavily hearing the subtle difference between the two phrases but knowing how easy it would be to misinterpret one as the other...especially if you were hearing it from the man with whom you were in love. Catherine winced, acknowledging that fact for the first time, though in truth she must have known it much longer. She had long been aware of the mutual attraction between Sara and Grissom, the constant flirting and unnecessary touching. She'd written most of it off to Sara's flirty personality and Grissom's comfort with her due to their long-standing friendship. But she must have known deep down that is was not nearly that simple. How long had Sara been in love with Grissom? Had there ever been a time since she'd come to Vegas that she hadn't been in love with him at least a little? Probably not, she realized.
"What made you change your mind?" Catherine asked, nudging the conversation back to life.
Sara looked up, confused.
"You said that originally you didn't want anything more than friendship with Hank. I assume that means something changed you mind?"
Immediately Catherine could see Sara throwing up metaphorical walls. "It was nothing. I was just lonely. It was the next logical step."
"Sara...."
Sara looked up and met Catherine's gaze, holding it for just a moment before looking away again. "I've already said too much."
"You can tell me, Sara. I want to help. I want to listen."
Sara sighed. "It was right after Eddie died. The case was so stressful. I wanted so badly to solve it for you. I knew how important it was. He was Lindsey's father.... But I couldn't do it. The evidence just wasn't there. I couldn't find it."
Sara's voice cracked and Catherine could see that she was on the verge of tears. She felt tears prick her own eyes and wanted to break in and tell Sara that she knew she'd done her best – to apologize once again for being so hard on her – but she was afraid to interrupt while Sara was opening up to her.
Sara took a shaky breath and continued. "You were so mad at me. I knew you didn't mean it. I knew you were just upset and worried. But I already felt like such a failure. I just needed someone to tell me that I'd done all I could, that it wasn't my fault. I went to Grissom's office, but he wasn't there. I ... I needed him. I thought he'd gone and I'd just talk to him later. I was about to leave, but then I ran into Brass. I asked him if he'd seen Grissom...."
Sara's voice faltered and Catherine wracked her brain, trying to put the missing pieces together. Suddenly it clicked into place. "Oh my god. He was at Lady Heather's."
Sara nodded, the tears beginning to slip down her cheeks. "Brass said Grissom had just called from Lady Heather's. I didn't think anything of it at first. I knew he was working on a case. But then...O'Reilly showed up and ... well, let's just say that their conversation made it very clear that Grissom wasn't there on business – our business anyway," she said, unable to keep the bitterness from creeping into her voice.
"And that's when you decided to settle for Hank?" Catherine asked, repeating Sara's earlier word choice.
"It wasn't a conscious decision. I was just devastated. I thought.... I'd always thought that if I just waited long enough, if I just gave him enough time.... And suddenly it was clear that there would never be enough time; that he would never want me. But Hank was there, and he wanted me. Or so I thought...." She snorted derisively. "I don't even know how I ended up at his apartment that day. I just found myself there. I needed someone to comfort me. He never told me that he loved me. He never made any promises. Yes, he's probably guilty of leading me on, but I'm a big girl. I knew what I was getting into. I wasn't looking for true love. I just wanted someone to want me. Even if it was just for a little while. Afterwards...I guess I wasn't very good at separating sex and emotions. I thought that...since we'd made love...that was the beginning of something. Even though he never said it, even though we never discussed it, it was like something changed. I started to actually view it as a relationship. I thought of him as my boyfriend, even though he wasn't. I made myself want him. Anytime my thoughts would stray...I would force them back to him. Hank was the one I wanted now. Hank was my boyfriend. I didn't want anyone else. I think for a little while I even had myself convinced."
Catherine sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, contemplating her next comment. What could she possibly say to make Sara feel better?
"God, I really shouldn't be telling you this. What am I doing?" Sara shifted uncomfortably in her seat, her eyes darting around as if looking for the nearest exit.
"I'm glad you did. It helps to talk."
"Really? People always say that, but does it really? What exactly does talking solve? I'm just as miserable as I was before and now I'm stressed because I confided something I've never told another soul to the one person most likely to...." The unfinished sentence hung over the table.
"I'm not going tell anyone else about this conversation – especially not Grissom. You can't honestly think I would do that to you."
"I don't know what I think. I'd like to think you wouldn't, but.... Honestly, Grissom is your friend. You've known him for over a decade. You don't even particularly like me. Clearly your loyalty is to him, as it should be."
"I like you, Sara. I know I don't always show it, but I do. No, we're not best friends. Yes, sometimes we rub each other the wrong way. But I care about you."
Sara was silent, and Catherine realized there was still more to be said.
"Have you ever wondered why it seems like I don't like you sometimes?"
"What is there to wonder about?" Sara asked, not bothering to look up from the table. "We rub each other the wrong way."
"I'm intimidated by you." Catherine's stomach clenched with the admission. She hated to admit it, but trust was a two way street. If she wanted Sara to be honest with her, it was time she come clean about a few things as well. She watched as Sara's eyebrows rose quickly, but the other woman stayed silent, so she continued. "From the day that you arrived, I've been intimidated by you. I was used to being the only woman on the team, and suddenly there you were. And you were young and brilliant – you can run circles around me. Things that I've spent years trying to understand come naturally to you. And even though I tried to make it rough for you in the beginning, it didn't take long for everyone to be won over by you. First Nick, and then even Warrick -- despite the fact that you were brought here specifically to investigate him. One by one every one of the lab techs developed a crush on you."
"All I ever wanted was to fit in. Nick and Warrick may have been friendly with me, but they were your friends."
"I know, and I was being stupid and petty. I should have welcomed you and tried to be your friend instead of competing with you."
Sara waved her hand dismissively, apparently ready to let bygones be bygones.
"That wasn't the only reason I was jealous of you." She waited until Sara looked up before continuing. "You're right, Grissom is my friend. We've been friends for a long time. And just for the record - there's never been anything more than friendship there. I think that's one of the things I treasure most about our friendship, actually. It was never like that. He accepted me for who I was, and I never saw him as one of those guys who pretended to be my friend in the hopes that it would lead to bedroom. He respected me and he gave me a chance when no one else would. When I first got I hired I was fresh out of night school and the only job I'd ever held involved taking my clothes off in front of a live audience. Not exactly Harvard."
"You've proven yourself, Cath. I can't even imagine how hard it was for you to do what you did with your life, but you did it. And everyone respects you."
"Now, they do. After fifteen years of busting my ass. But try to imagine what it was like for me then, and then know that I went home to a husband who loved to rough me up and never let me forget that he saved me from an addiction to cocaine that was spiraling out of control." Sara was silent and Catherine could see the shock in her eyes. "We all have our secrets."
"Anyway," Catherine continued, toying with her beer bottle. "I worked hard to turn my life around, only to have the rest of the team double check every move I made and whisper about my behind my back. Grissom was the only one who gave me a chance. I sometimes think that if it hadn't been for him, I would've quit my first month. He stood by me for years, offering his quiet support whenever I needed it. I loved that I could depend on him, and I loved that I felt like he was friend – a rare thing for Grissom. So when he made the announcement that he was bringing you in to do the investigation, I hated you before I even saw you. I hated that he was bringing anyone else in to do the internal investigation – I wanted it handled privately. And not only was he bringing in someone else, he was bringing in 'a friend' – someone he trusted. The highest praise from Grissom. And honestly, in the fifteen years we've been friends, I'm not sure I've ever heard him say those words about me. I'm sure he thinks them, but the fact that he uses them so sparingly, then laid it all out when he was introducing us to the idea of you...well, I wasn't pleased."
"I was only supposed to be here for a week or so. Just long enough to do one investigation. How threatened could you have been?"
"Ah yes, but you weren't just here for a week. And I knew from the moment I saw him with say your name that there was no way he'd ever let you go back to San Francisco if he had any control over the situation. I knew he'd ask you to stay."
"That's funny, given that his offer shocked me. I never dreamed he'd ask me to stay."
"It was his intention all along. We discussed it the night before he made his offer."
"He wanted to know what you thought of me?"
Catherine laughed. "Hardly. It was one of the few conversations I've ever had with him when I felt like my opinion was totally disregarded. He didn't ask me if he should offer you the job, he told me he was going to do it. And when I told him that he should widen the search, maybe just ask you to fill in temporarily and let you apply with everyone else, he didn't even pause to consider it. 'I don't want anyone else, Catherine. I want her.'"
Sara's eyes widened and she inhaled slowly and deeply.
"Those were his words, Sara. Not mine. Make of them what you will."
Her face fell and Catherine watched as she blinked back tears. "There's nothing to make of them. I mean, I could do it -- I could read so much into that. I've been doing it for years – seeing hope where there is none. But I know the truth now. It was nothing personal: the lab needed me."
"The lab needed a CSI. Grissom needed you."
"Don't do this to me," Sara pleaded, burying her face in her hands. "Do you have any idea how much I want to believe that? But even if it was true then, it's not true anymore. He's barely speaking to me. He vacillates between contempt and indifference."
"I'm not going to lie and pretend to understand what's going on in his head. He's a complicated man. But men in general aren't as complicated as we sometimes think they are, and if he were any other man, I'd say his recent behavior towards you is pure jealousy."
"Jealousy? All he has to do is ask me out – it's all he's ever had to do."
"Oh, Sara. It's not that simple. Look at it from his perspective. First of all, he's your supervisor. I don't know the official lab policy on intra-office relationships, but I'm guessing they aren't smiled upon. Even if they aren't forbidden, it would be so complicated. Not just for him, for you. Do you think he wants to subject you to the type of speculation that would occur if the two of you started dating? Secondly, you're fifteen years younger than him. That may not be an issue to you, but it's bound to make him insecure. Even if he can force himself to believe that you are attracted to him now – as baffling as I'm sure that is to him – I'm willing to be he thinks there's no way his luck will hold out. How long would it be before you found someone younger and better looking."
"I wouldn't--"
Catherine held up a hand to stave off her protest. "I know. I believe you, Sara. But it's not my fear. It's not my insecurity. It's not my heart on the line."
"What should I do?" Her voice was tinged with equal parts resignation and desperation.
"I don't know. I wish I had the answer for you. I can't guarantee you anything, Sara. I'm not a miracle worker. All I can tell you is.... if you really love him, don't give up. I've always known it would take someone really special to get through to him. He doesn't let just anyone in. We sometimes think of his as unfeeling because he's such a stoic most of the time. But honestly I think he's very sensitive – more so than most people even – he just hides it well."
"I know. I've accused him in the past of being unfeeling. I knew even as I said it that it wasn't true. He's just so private."
"Yes, he is. A relationship with him would be difficult. You know how frustrating friendship with him can be, imagine that a thousand fold. Before you spend anymore time thinking about this, maybe you should make sure it's worth it."
Catherine didn't have to wait long for the response she'd expected. Sara didn't even hesitate, never bothering to look up from the label she was peeling. "He's worth it."
They were quiet for a few minutes, until Sara finally lifted her gaze to meet Catherine's. "I'm feeling pretty tired. Would you mind if we headed home now?"
Catherine shook her head and gathered up her things, dropping some money on the table. Sara reached for her purse but Catherine stopped her. "This one's on me. We should have done this a long time ago."
Sara smiled her appreciation and followed Catherine to the car in silence. They drove back to the lab where Catherine dropped Sara at her car. "I'll see you at work tonight."
"Yeah," Sara responded distractedly. "See you then."
She climbed out of the Tahoe and started to close the door, then hesitated. "Hey, Cath.... Thank you."
"Anytime," Catherine said with a smile. To her surprise, she found herself really meaning it, and hoping that Sara would take her up on it. This was a friendship that was long overdue.