Weapon of Choice

Disclaimer: I don't own Cruel Intentions or any of its characters but at this point…

Rating: R (really it's probably pg-13, just cussing really, but I can't stand to write a PG CI story. Yuck!)

Summary: Ficlit. "To think, something as common as love was our undoing." Sebastian's goodbye letter to his wicked stepsister. Please R&R!

Authors Note: what do you do when you're stuck in Later Renaissance lit, with a hundred year old professor and you're trying to stay awake? Write CI stories naturally! Actually I would have updated one of my other stories but I didn't have my notes with me. Besides it's been forever since I've written a one chapter fic. As for my other stories I'm in the last weeks of school before vacation so I'm busy. Maybe CI: The Serial updated this weekend. Second Generation later in the week. Okay enjoy and let me know what you think!

Kathryn,

Notice I didn't open this letter with dear. I know how you, or for the sake of traditions shall I say we, detest cheap sentiment. Consider it my final gift to you.

I'm guess you hate me right about now. Well that's fine you're not exactly one of my favorite people at the moment either. It's because of you sweetheart I'm laying in this hospital bed, hooked up to half a dozen machines listening to self-important doctors spout words like "internal injuries" and "surgery". It's because of you I'm breaking Annette's heart. Again. Well done sis.

Also to top it all off my handwriting has gone to shit so forgive me if this is somewhat unreadable. Then again I suppose you're not feeling terribly forgiving right about now. God knows I'm not.

As you read this I imagine my revenge has already taken effect. That being the case I assume I'm the last person you want to be hearing from right now but frankly my future is not looking terribly bright and there's some things I need to say to you. Try if you will to contain yourself from throwing your mother's good crystal across the room and listen up. At the very least this might provide you a good laugh later on.

There's really no point in saying I'm sorry is there? I've always deplored the word as I've never really believed in having regrets. Though maybe it's only where you're concerned this holds true, for I regret in some ways getting involved with Annette. I fucked her up good and for once I'm not proud of what I've done. I never did deserve her. Hmm…I'm guessing you don't want to listen to my self pity do you? Ever the fucking drama queen Valmont--I can practically hear you hiss the words.

As I was saying there's no reason for you to apologize for sending Ronald after me any more than I should apologize for exposing the truth about you. I hope the good students at Manchester enjoy my warbles. Should be a real eye opener for Mrs. Caldwell.

What? You didn't honestly think Annette devised that all on her own did you? She's a smart girl but cruelty and revenge aren't exactly her forte. No sis that was all me. Are you impressed? I advised her with explicit instructions how to take care of you in case of my death (at the moment she's in stark denial but you know me, ever the realist). Frankly I expected her to balk at the idea of taking vengeance but surprisingly she was quite gung ho on the whole idea. You always said I never truly understood women. Perhaps you were right.

In a way I'm glad I won't be around to watch your down fall. Unlike you who took so much pleasure in crushing my heart and ego I really don't want to witness you take that gigantic fall from grace, no matter how much it's deserved. I suppose that's the main difference between you and I baby. When we lead the lambs to slaughter I never liked to stick around after the massacre. You however liked the bloodshed. I imagine it was your favorite part.

That fact aside, I've come to the conclusion that you were right. We indeed are two of a kind. I suppose I didn't want to believe it. In some ways I wanted to believe that I was better than you Kathryn and that by falling in love with Annette I some how developed morals. But who am I kidding right? I'm an incorrigible bastard. No blond chick from Kansas is going to change that.

As much as I love Annette, and I do, I know now it's you who is my soulmate. Yeah I know, even as I write it I'm cringing. That term soulmate is so cliché and lord knows we were anything but. However the fact of the matter is I've run out of adjectives to describe us. For better or worse (usually worse) Kathryn you are my other half. I know you like I know myself. Only I truly know what made you the way you are. Only I know how to destroy you and vice versa. We're like Siamese twins in that regard. You cut out the heart of one of us, the other bleeds.

I think I may even miss you. As you know from reading my journal, you were my eternal fixation. You dear Kathryn were my obsession. Beautiful, alluring, sharp and oh, so in control. You were also cold, deceptive, and cruel. I fed on it all-especially your cruelty. It gave me strength. Fuck, it got me hard.

We were amazing weren't we? Nothing, not your bitch mother or my alcoholic father could touch us. It was us against the world baby and I'd like to think more times than not we won.

My one true regret when it comes to you however is that we didn't get the chance to cross the sacred boundary. I'm betting you were a great fuck. Too bad you were always wasting yourself on those no neck losers who could barely manage to get you off. It's such a shame; we could have been great together. I'm a much more inventive lover than you realize. Though I suppose having read about it you do. Mmm…I'm guessing you also read about what I wanted to do to you. To think those handcuffs are completely going to waste…

However thanks to you and your insatiable need to control each and every situation we'll never know will we? Sorry but the morphine is wearing off and I'm starting to feel bitter. Why did you do it? At what point did you decide to screw me over. I'd like to think you didn't plan it all along; I'd like to think it came out of me rejecting you but I can't be sure.

While I waited out in the cold for Annette last night (go ahead and mock me) all I could think about was you little speech. I'm a toy? I'm a fucking toy? THAT'S what you reduce our whole relationship down to? And you wonder why I went back to her.

Look you want the truth? Why did I do it, why did I let myself become vulnerable? Well here it is; maybe I was sick of being above everything. Trite as it may sound sis, I wanted happiness. Something that was never possible when we were together. Neither of us would allow it.

For years we've put ourselves above everyone else. We stood side by side on our fifty thousand dollar pedestals and looked down on anyone we perceived as being weak, which was a good number of the population. Then I met Annette and she made me want to come down. For once in my life I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to be worthy of her.

Listen I'll admit during these last few weeks I've changed. When I told Annette I loved her everything changed. In hindsight now I suppose I can see why this pissed you off to the extent it did. If it was the other way around, if it had been you who fell in love I would like to think I would react differently but who am I kidding? I would have behaved the same way. I would have destroyed the fucker and probably you as well.

If by some miracle I manage to pull through this (in which case I've instructed Blaine to promptly burn this letter) will Annette and I live happily ever after? I'd like to be able to say "of course" if only to spite you. But I suppose if anything we've always managed to be honest with one another (snicker). I love Annette but frankly we're just from two different worlds. She was raised in a family with morals and values while in our house those were dirty words. It would have been a constant uphill battle, one sadly I'm probably too weak in character to fight.

Wipe that smug smile off your face princess. Remember I still chose her over you.

Contrary to what you might believe I don't regret risking my life for her. She's worth it Kathryn, lord knows she'll do more for this world than I ever will. Even though it was mostly out of instinct I have to say in the back of my head I did it for you. I did it because I knew it would kill you. Risking my life for Annette, so noble and brave. All for a girl I know you view as beneath you. I can practically see the bile rising in your throat when you hear that particular detail.

Well in any event here it is, the big confessional part I'm sure you skimmed over all the boring shit to get to. When you were in my room earlier I feigned sleep as you paced anxiously about muttering to yourself (I thought I warned you to go easy with that shit). I was going to tell you then but I chickened out and besides I was far too angry to own up to anything.

See I wrote Annette this letter when I gave her my journal. In it I told her she was the first person I ever loved but that was a lie. You Kathryn, were the first person I ever loved. I love you but not in a brotherly way or in a romantic way but in our way. Twisted, dark and wrong, I love you.

Deny it all you want but I know you feel the same way. No matter what you've said or done to me this past summer somewhere deep inside you love me in the same way. If not you wouldn't have bailed my ass out of trouble all those times, you wouldn't have defended me against your mother and you most definitely wouldn't have told me about what you're sick fuck of a father did to you when you were twelve.  Whatever else there may be between us there was love…but let's just keep that between us.

The question you're probably asking yourself right about now is do I forgive you? To put it bluntly, no I don't. You sent Ronald after me and you put me on my death bed. You fucking broke my heart. That's just not something one can forgive. But I'll tell you one thing, I don't hate you.

It's just…you can be a real cunt sometimes.

We really fucked things up didn't we? Who would have thought it, the lord and lady of Machiavellian intent completely letting their emotions get the best of them. Pathetic really, something as common as love was our undoing. In the end we both got what we deserved. Fitting it was us who finally destroyed each other. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm not worried about you though. True your life may be in the shitter now but I have faith in your resilience. You'll land on your feet and then get right back up to make sure everyone pays for wronging you. Just do me a favor though, let Annette be. Do what you will to those other children we played tricks on but leave her out of it. Honestly she wasn't to blame for this. Only us.

The pain is getting worse now. The fucking Bic keeps sliding out of my hand so I have to wrap this up. I'll tell you it's strange but I'm not terribly afraid of dying. It's almost soothing is a way to know the end is near.

Rest assured I have no delusions about where I'm going to end up. I hardly think one good deed is going to erase well over a decade worth of sins committed. Still I have comfort in the knowledge that you'll be joining me in the not so distant future. Knowing us we should be running the place in no time. If it exists I'm sure you'll be crowned student body president of hell.

Until then my love,

S.R.V