From the office of Lord Faramir, Twenty-Seventh Steward of Gondor and
Prince of Ithilien,
To the Lady quillon, author at fanfiction.net,
Lady quillon,
I fear that I must come to the point immediately. Stop torturing me! I do not wish to endure aught else that your twisted mind can invent as torment to me. I had quite enough of that during the War and would much rather spend my remaining days taking delight in my family and the peace that has finally come to Gondor.
It has come to my attention that your current story is the direct result of a weekend spent listening to crude music and eating poor food. Perhaps I could provide you with some guidelines for giving me, and you, more peace in the future:
1. Perhaps the minstrels that you invite to perform in your home should have a more wholesome, if
not at least a more peaceful nature. Personally, Nine Inch Nails makes me feel like leaping from the top of the Tower of Ecthelion into a burning vat of poisonous vipers. This is why I do not partake of their peculiar brand of music. Perchance you would find something more peaceful to your liking? Mayhap some Mozart or something in early Sesame Street. Anything that keeps you from killing me in agonizing ways is to my liking.
2. Pizza with nine different types of meat on top of it is not an appropriate food to eat as a midnight
snack. Perhaps the next time you awaken with a craving you might try something a bit lighter. Toast is often a good source of nourishment, and through use of various toppings, one can achieve variety as well as peaceful dreams without too much blood and violence within them. I speak from experience when I say that I have never had a nightmare after eating a piece of toast topped with butter and honey. And it is quite satisfying for your hunger as well.
3. Beer is not a particularly good accompaniment for the above- mentioned toast. Warm milk is an
infinitely better beverage in the middle of the night. If perchance you have no milk in your larder, perhaps, oh, Corona is all you have, then by all means omit the toast, and instead, drink every drop of the Corona that is in your house. This prevents one from dreaming at all, as often one is unconscious and totally insensible for the remainder of the night. On this point, I also speak from experience. Just prepare yourself for a horrific headache in the morning, though it should not be anything that a strong willow bark tea cannot remedy.
I hope that in the future you might compose more stories with Éowyn and me alone together, for those are the ones that truly make me happy, though it seems that if I am unhappy then the rest of you are ecstatic, I hope that you will spread the word amongst your fellow authors and share my advice with them. Better yet, write more torturous fiction about Aragorn. Though I am one of his closest advisors and friends, he has many more years to waste on things like that than I do.
I thank you for hearing me out, my lady.
Sincerely,
Lord Faramir, son of Denethor, etc., etc.
To the Lady quillon, author at fanfiction.net,
Lady quillon,
I fear that I must come to the point immediately. Stop torturing me! I do not wish to endure aught else that your twisted mind can invent as torment to me. I had quite enough of that during the War and would much rather spend my remaining days taking delight in my family and the peace that has finally come to Gondor.
It has come to my attention that your current story is the direct result of a weekend spent listening to crude music and eating poor food. Perhaps I could provide you with some guidelines for giving me, and you, more peace in the future:
1. Perhaps the minstrels that you invite to perform in your home should have a more wholesome, if
not at least a more peaceful nature. Personally, Nine Inch Nails makes me feel like leaping from the top of the Tower of Ecthelion into a burning vat of poisonous vipers. This is why I do not partake of their peculiar brand of music. Perchance you would find something more peaceful to your liking? Mayhap some Mozart or something in early Sesame Street. Anything that keeps you from killing me in agonizing ways is to my liking.
2. Pizza with nine different types of meat on top of it is not an appropriate food to eat as a midnight
snack. Perhaps the next time you awaken with a craving you might try something a bit lighter. Toast is often a good source of nourishment, and through use of various toppings, one can achieve variety as well as peaceful dreams without too much blood and violence within them. I speak from experience when I say that I have never had a nightmare after eating a piece of toast topped with butter and honey. And it is quite satisfying for your hunger as well.
3. Beer is not a particularly good accompaniment for the above- mentioned toast. Warm milk is an
infinitely better beverage in the middle of the night. If perchance you have no milk in your larder, perhaps, oh, Corona is all you have, then by all means omit the toast, and instead, drink every drop of the Corona that is in your house. This prevents one from dreaming at all, as often one is unconscious and totally insensible for the remainder of the night. On this point, I also speak from experience. Just prepare yourself for a horrific headache in the morning, though it should not be anything that a strong willow bark tea cannot remedy.
I hope that in the future you might compose more stories with Éowyn and me alone together, for those are the ones that truly make me happy, though it seems that if I am unhappy then the rest of you are ecstatic, I hope that you will spread the word amongst your fellow authors and share my advice with them. Better yet, write more torturous fiction about Aragorn. Though I am one of his closest advisors and friends, he has many more years to waste on things like that than I do.
I thank you for hearing me out, my lady.
Sincerely,
Lord Faramir, son of Denethor, etc., etc.