A/N: Ok so I've totally violated the "You aren't supposed to bring back original characters" rule. I'm really not sure whether I like this fic, seeing as the pre-rent Angelfic has been done before. There is more but it'll all depend on reviews. This chapter is dedicated to Liz (gamin14) for all her support.

Disclaimer: Angel, Roger and Collins are property of the immortal Jonathan Larson. All other characters are mine, especially Lily.

Prologue

I slinked up behind Collins silently and gently wrapped my arms around his neck, covering his eyes with my hands.

"Guess who," I murmured in his ear.

"Um…give me a hint," he teased.

I kissed his left ear, then his right.

"He loves you he loves you he loves you," I told him.

He shook my hands away and turned to me.

"You gave it away."

 And he gave me a long passionate kiss. We'd promised each other a thousand ones like it, but somehow I didn't think that'd be enough.

"Dance with me," I said suddenly and he blushed with surprise.

"You know I can't dance."

"Yes you can. Come on, pweeze?" I pouted and he laughed

"Ok, ok."

"Yay!" I skipped over to our crappy little stereo, the one I'd had since I was sixteen. Selecting a CD, I pushed play and walked over to him.

I remember you

You're the one who made my dreams come true

A few kisses ago…

He took my hand in his and placed the other on my waist, awkwardly looking at his feet. I chuckled and lifted his face, resting my forehead against his.

"Don't look down," I whispered.

"I told you I can't dance."

"That's because you're trying. You aren't supposed to dance with your brain."

He laughed, full throated and deep like rolling thunder, then leaned in and kissed my lips softly. God, I loved him so much.

I remember you

You're the one who said "I love you too"

Didn't you know?

And I remember too

A distant bell

And stars that fell

Like rain out of the blue

"My mother used to love this song," I said.

He looked at me, more than a little surprised. We never talked about family. For me to mention Mama threw him for quite a loop.

"Every night when I was a kid she would come in and sing this song to me to help me fall asleep."

He smiled, but there was sadness in his eyes. He knew I missed her. He knew it hurt.

"Ooh! Here comes my favorite part!" I grinned with nostalgia and sang along:

When my life is through

And the angels ask me

To recall the thrill of them all

Then I shall tell them

I remember you

When I finished the last line I pointed at him and he laughed. He gave me another one of those long incredible kisses.

"I love you," I said.

"I'll cover you," he said.

Nine months later, I died. I was 'choked by a red ribbon' as my cousin so colorfully put it. So now I'm sitting in my garden up in Heaven with my new friends Nina and Rachael.

"So, Angel," Nina begins. "Talk about irony."

"Yeah, I guess it is unoriginal now." I try to smile, but it's strained.

"What's wrong?" Rachael asks, laying her hand on my shoulder.

"I miss my family," I sigh. "I have a lover on Earth who needs me."

They both sigh. Nina has turned very serious. Something is up.

"Guys?" I ask nervously. "Something wrong?"

Nina looks at Rachael, then at me.

"Angel, if you really want to see your loved ones, we know of a way you can."

I turn my head and stare like a deer in headlights. Oh my god, they don't know what this means to me! I leap up and hug them both hard.

"Whoa, whoa, Ang, listen!" Rachael begins. But I can't listen. The thought of seeing my beloved Collins clouds my mind and I can't think logically. Hey, this is supposed to be eternal paradise right? Where does logic come in at all?

"How? Oh, guys you have to tell me how! I have to see him!"

So they take my hands and lead me through my gigantic garden. It's what I love most about heaven, my humongous garden that never needs anything. It goes on and on and has all my favorite flowers.

But there was never a lake before.

They've led me to a huge crystal clear lake, like the ones you see in brochures for fishing trips. My jaw drops; I've never seen anything so beautiful. Nina kneels down and motions for me to do the same.

"What is this?" I ask, completely awed.

"This is called a watcher's pool. All the angels who want one get one. At any given time, you can see anyone on Earth."

"But it's clear. I can't see a thing."

Nina looks at me for a long time.

"When the pool is clear, it means something on Earth is wrong and the angel has to intervene."

My hand flies to my mouth. I feel faint.

"Wrong?" I gasp. "What…who…how…?"

Rachael sighs and puts comforting hands on my shoulders.

"Angel, this is going to be very hard for you, but you have to see. Watch."

She makes a gentle swirling motion in the water with her hand and a darkened room flickers into focus. The person sleeping in the queen-sized bed moves and orange hair glows from the streetlight outside.

"Lily!" I cry and they nod.

There's a cell phone lying on the bedside table and it rings loudly. She rolls over and grunts. It chimes again and she sits up and grabs it.

"What?" she snaps. My heart sinks. When we were little I loved the sound of her voice when she was sleepy, but now it just sounds sad and bitter. Far older than fifteen. Life has dealt my baby cousin a hard hand.

"Lily…" I hear Roger's gruff voice on the other end, so does she. Her hand flies to her mouth and she moans:

"Oh, god!"

"He's dead."

I'm totally shocked hearing this. I round on the girls in confusion.

"They're telling her now? How long have I been…?"

I can't bring myself to say the word "gone"

"Several hours," Nina says.

Sickness rises from my stomach to my throat as I watch Lily. The expression on her face is terrible. For a moment she is silent, and then all at once, her body crashes to the floor.

 And then there's the scream.

From deep down in her heart a horrific piercing scream rises out of her mouth. It's so high and filled with anguish that I can feel it in my own heart, and my entire body convulses in pain.

"Please!" I beg, "No more! I can't take it!"

"I know it's difficult, Angel," Rachael whispers sadly. "But you must."

So I watch through streaming eyes as Lily picks herself up halfheartedly off the floor.

"Oh Roger!" she says into the phone. "It can't be. How's Collins?"

"I don't know. He bolted right after they took the body away."

At the mention of my lover I let out a sob. Collins…Tom…Oh god I hope he's all right. I hope he's not alone.

"You can see him later, Angel." Nina reads my thoughts. "Watch."

What Roger says must be unimportant because I can't hear him. Lily only says in reply:

"Roger…I can't…I have to go." She sounds ill. I hear a little beep as she hangs up. She wraps her arms around herself as though she's cold, and stares in the mirror at herself. Her face…oh god her face. She's paler then death. Her eyes are completely devoid of light and rimmed with smudged black makeup. Her face has utterly no expression. She looks as though she has no soul. And all because of me.

She stares and stares at her reflection numbly, until finally she can't take it any longer. She grips the phone tightly in her hand, hurls it at the mirror with all her strength and an enormous crack ripples in the glass. She lets out a cry like a wounded animal and my heart breaks a thousand times over.

"Angel!!" she screams. "Come back, please come back!"

"I can't!" I sob helplessly. "Lily, please forgive me, baby!"

"She can't hear you," Nina says in an almost cold tone. Her lack of emotion infuriates me! With tears streaming down my face I launch into her.

"Why are you both putting me through this?" I yell. "Why is she going through this?"

"Don't blame us!" she shouts back. "We have no control over people on Earth! This is just reality and the way things work!"

"All right that's enough!" Rachael comes between us. "Nina, try and be a little more understanding. Now Angel, you've got to stay calm. This is really difficult, I know but you need to keep looking."

"It's too much for me!" I protest.

"No it isn't. You still have your duties to those you love."

Her words soothe my anger, but do nothing for my sadness. Miserably I sit back down on the grass and turn my teary eyes to the lake. In the little while I've turned away Lily's run down to her father's study. She unlocks a drawer and removes something that shines metallically. I squint trying to see what it is, but it's too dark. The lake ripples a little and she's back in her room standing at the window. In one graceful fluent movement she removes her shirt and throws it to the floor. The object glints again. I can see clearly what it is now and it makes me struggle for breath. It's a gun! She's going to…She's not…

I watch horrified as she puts the revolver underneath her naked breast. She wants the bullet to go straight through to her heart. Tears spill down her cheeks, which look colorless in the moonlight.

"I'm coming, Angel." I hear her agonized murmur. "Wait for me."

"NO!" I scream and desperately turn to Rachael for help. "She'll die! You have to do something!" I plead.

"I can't, Angel. I won't be able to reach her. You are her guardian. Only you can save her."

My eyes widen and my gaze bores into her.

"But how?" I whisper.

She comes behind me and places her hands on my shoulders.

"When she thinks of you, you must make her hold onto that thought. Then you'll break through."

I almost want to run away. I'm so afraid I'll fail, but her grip holds me firmly down.

"Focus," she tells me. "Focus on what you need to do."

I have to save Lily. I can't let my baby die. I shut my eyes and concentrate, my entire mind and body pouring into this.

"Come on, baby girl," I say with my mind. "You're thinking of me. Keep thinking of me. This is Angel. This is Angel. Don't do it…"

At last I hear her voice, afraid and quavering.

"Angel?"

"Yes!" I breathe. "Put the gun down, baby. Don't do it, you can't. Don't give up."

"But I have to," she whimpers.

And for a moment, I want to let her. I think of when I was first diagnosed with AIDS, before Collins. All those times I'd contemplated suicide too. I'd call Paul crying, begging to know what I should do. He'd always give me my answer in one sentence. Four little words would lift me up and give me strength to face another day. Lily needs to hear them too.

"No day but today."

I hear the gun fall with a thud to the ground followed by her sobs. My hold on her loosens and she fades away.

"I love you!" I call, knowing I'll never get the chance to say it again.

And she's gone. My eyes pop open. The pool once again becomes blue and clear. All my energy is gone. I sway on my knees and fall backwards into Rachael's lap. She and Nina both rush to grab me in a hug and I weep into her soft pink dress.

"Lily…she…Oh, God!"

"Angel, it's okay. You did it, you saved her. She's going to be all right. Shh."

"Let's get him to his room," Nina suggests.

I'm so weak I can barely walk with them. When we finally reach my bedroom, they ease me onto the wonderfully soft mattress. Nina leaves and Rachael goes to as well, but I reach out for her arm.

"Stay with me a while, please Rachael," I murmur. "I want to talk."

She smiles sympathetically and pulls a chair up and sits. All the angels here are nice, but I have to say I like her best. She died in a car crash in the sixties. Pity I didn't know her, I'll bet her fashion sense was tops.

"That was so hard!" I sigh, tears welling in my eyes again, and she nods.

"It's terrible you had to break the barrier so soon after coming here. I see how hard it was for you. And I'm sorry about Nina. She was an orphan in life so she doesn't understand."

I shake my head wearily. I'm too sad over Lily to think about Nina.

"It's gonna be awfully lonely up here you know?" I say. "I miss my Collins and all my family."

She sighs knowingly and reaches out to stroke my cheek.

"Tell me about your life, Angel," she tells me. "What's Angel Dumott Schunard's story?"

 I look at her skeptically and prop myself up on my elbow.

"Twenty one years…do you have time?"

As soon as it leaves my mouth I'm aware of how stupid it sounds. We look at each other and both burst out laughing. After the giggles die down she replies:

"I have all eternity. And so do you. Go on, sweetie."

I heave a sigh as I think about Angel Dumott Schunard's story. It was definitely a story full of extremes. Love and hate. Female and male. Laughter and tears. Sickness and health.

Life and death.

"Ok," I say. "Here goes…"

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