A/N: I'm bored and locked down with writers block on my other story, so I've decided to write another joke. This has nothing to do with the previous chapter, in fact it is a completely different story all together. Why, you may ask, didn't I just make a new story. Because, I didn't feel like it.
Warning: Throughout the story you may notice that there are quotes, song lyrics, and the like hidden within the story. Feel free to try and guess what they are and where they are from. Just know if you recognize it from something, that I'm not taking credit for writing it, I just thought it was funny or cool so I put it in my story. Sorry to anyone who thinks that it is entirely cheap of me to do that, but I don't really care. One TV show that will have a lot of quotes from is Family Guy® because it is my favorite show ever made and I'm giddy with glee that new episodes are finally coming out.
I warned you last time not to read this and you didn't listen to me then hopefully you will listen to me this time. I'm writing this having just finished writing the story and I just realize it doesn't have the semi-humor that the last chapter had. It's just sad this time around. Please don't read.
Harry Potter and the Holy Hell Not Another One of These Stupid-Ass Stories
Harry walks warily down the street, with the brim of his hat pulled way down low. Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet, machine guns ready to go. He was ready. He was ready for this. He was hanging on the edge of his seat. Out of the doorway the bullets rip, to the sound of the beat.
Harry's step faltered as he was snapped back to reality by the entrance to Diagon Alley opened up. He was on a special trip to Gringotts for the reading of the Last Will and Testament of Sirius Serious Black. Just the thought of Sirius and Harry's knees buckled and he fell to the ground breaking out into a ridiculously loud sobbing fit.
"WAHHHHHHHHH!" Harry cried pounding his fists into the ground and stomping his feet. "WHY'D HE HAVE TO DIE! IT'S ALL MY FAULT! WAHHHHHHH!"
"God dammit Harry! Every five seconds you start sobbing like a little baby. We know it was your fault that you killed him. If you were never born your mom and dad, and Sirius would still be alive. Neville's parents wouldn't be insane, and the world would be a hell-of-a lot better off. Now quit your bellyaching, get off the ground and let's go. I want to see if Sirius left me any money. I'm sick of being poor!" Ron Weasley shouted at his best friend.
"Ron! How can you be such an insufferable git? Let it all out Harry. It's okay to cry. You can use my shoulder. Better make it my left shoulder, my right is still soaked through from the last time." Hermione consoled.
Harry leaned on Hermione and blew his nose into her robe. "Thanks Hermione, I really needed that." Harry said as he started to stand. Reaching down and helping Hermione to stand, Harry found himself staring deeply into Hermione's eyes. "Wow, Hermione, I've never realized how beautiful you truly are. I've been wanting to tell you this since fourth year. Although I showed almost no interest in you last year, I love you. Always have and always will."
"Oh Harry I've been waiting for you to tell me that since I was eight years old. Coincidently, I never even knew you or the magical world existed till I was twelve years old, but somehow the previous statement is true. Let's get married and have lots of children!"
"Married? Children?" Harry swallowed audibly. "Yeah, er, listen Hermione, I just really wanted to get into your pants. I think we could use sometime apart." Harry stated at which Hermione began bawling.
"Oh Harry Potter you've broken my heart, but I forgive you." Hermione said wiping tears away.
"I'll marry you and have lots of children, Hermione." Ron said from the background.
"Oh Ron you make me so Harry. I mean happy. I said happy."
"I can live with that." Ron shrugged and bent down and swopped Hermione into a passionate kiss.
"Harry I'll let you into my pants." said a small voice from beside Harry.
"Ginny what did you say? And when did you get here?" Harry asked shocked to see the little redhead.
"I've been here the entire time and I said that I'll let you into my pants."
"Oh I love you Virginia!" Harry said and then flicked his wand and all of Ginny's clothes flew off because apparently you're allowed to do magic outside of school even though Harry went to trial for it in the fifth year.
"My name's Ginerva." Ginny said as Harry got on his knees to preform oral sex on her.
"What'd you say Virginia?" Harry asked, taking a break.
"Nothing, continue please." And even though Harry had never seen a naked woman before in his entire life he was instantly and complete expert and Ginny was sent through multiple orgasms, before Harry took off his clothes and began having sex with Ginny for the next four hours sending Ginny through a record number of orgasms.
During the third hour of sex, Molly Weasley walked by which caused a pause in the action.
"MUM! It's not what it looks like. Well, it's exactly what it looks like, but I can explain!"
"Oh don't worry deary. I'm just so happy for you I had to see for myself. My little Gin Gin and my little Harry have finally gotten together. It's about time too, Harry! I haven't been slipping Arthur's viagra into your tea so you could masturbate every night.
Harry just ignored her comment and continued with what he was doing. 'Sirius would be so proud of me.' Harry thought and immediately broke into sobs while he was still having sex with Ginny.
When Harry finally finished Draco Malfoy just happened to be walking by with Crabbe and Goyle in tow. "Oh that's gross!" Malfoy said. "You're having sex with a girl!"
"You think that's gross!" Crabbe said and began straining really hard. "Oww! I've broke a blood vessel." and indeed he had as he was trying to fart he broke a blood vessel in his eye and it turned completely red.
"I can't wait for Christmas to come." Pansy said completely off topic and appearing out of nowhere.
"Of course you all know that Christmas is the time of the year where Jesus rises from the grave to feast upon the flesh of the living and we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep." Goyle said in a very sophisticated voice.
"OUTRAGEOUS!" Harry shouted. "That's Blasphemy. I'm going to do something about that."
"There's nothing you can do Harry." Ginny said putting her clothes back on.
"Oh then I'll just have to get a sense of humor. Let's go see Star Wars Episode III." Harry replied.
"First of all Harry its 1996, Episode III doesn't come out until the 19th of May 2005. Secondly, we still have to go to Gringotts to listen to Sirius's Will, we're four hours late."
"Okay let's go to Gringotts to listen to Sirius's Will. Then we'll use this time-turner to go forward in time to see Episode III. Yeah, apparently you can do that." Harry stated matter-of-fact. "Hey I just talked about Sirius without crying!"
"Good job Harry. Now let's go listen to Sirius's Will. I want some money. I'm sick of being poor!" Ron said and began skipping gaily towards Gringotts.
Upon arriving to Gringotts Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny were escorted to a office of a goblin named Ralph. Upon questioning the Goblin as to why he had a human name. They got this reply in a super deep voice: "All of us female Goblin's have human names. That's how we tell each other apart."
Harry looked around the room and saw Remus sitting there. "Hey Remus I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand."
"Walking through the streets of Soho in the rain?" Remus questioned
"Yeah, he was looking for a place called Lee Ho Fook's."
"I bet he was going to get himself a big dish of beef chow mein." Remus said before howling really loud.
"Werewolves of London!" Ralph said shaking her head disappointedly. "Now on to business, the reading of the will. Ahem. I, Sirius Serious Black, being of sound body and semi-sound mind, do hereby bequeth Remus J. Lupin with 15,000,000 Galleons. To Ronald 'I don't know you're middle name' Weasely, I leave...nothing. Ha Ha Ha. I like it when your poor and don't have money to buy anything. I leave everything else to Harry Potter. That is a total of 194,423,232,454,676 Galleons 15 houses which includes one that absolutely no one but I have ever even heard of and no one no matter how strong they are can enter without my permission. Why, I didn't hide your parents here, I don't know. But anyways, it also includes the Countries of Italy, Germany, China, the lost city of Atlantis, and the entire state of California. Apparently you can own countries and states. Anyway have fun with your newfound wealth. The only condition I have set is that your are not allowed to give any to Ron Weasley. I like it when he is poor."
"Alright! I'm rich-er. Now let's go see Episode III!"
"I hope Anakin Skywalker doesn't turn to the Dark Side!" Hermione said nervously.
"Yeah me too! That would ruin the entire series." Ralph readily agreed.
"Down with Wheel of Fortune!" Ron shouted before they were all whisked to the future.
The End
I told you, you shouldn't have read this story. I can't give you those precious moments of your life back so don't bother to ask.