"Sum of the Parts"

Disclaimer : Don't own. But If I asked very nicely, do you think they'll give it to me:D

A.N. : It's finally the end of the road for this fic. So, I hope you forgive me if I use this Epilogue to go crazy on everyone's butt. Because when you get the whole crew together in close quarters you just know all hell will break loose. Remember the hospital episode? Exactly, hehe.

Again, a big thanks to everyone who's been patient enough to see this fic through to the very end. Your comments, encouragements and reviews have been wonderful. They mean a lot to me. I look forward to writing more for this fandom in the (hopefully, near) future.

Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it:D

CHEERS!

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Epilogue: (or why Chii from "Chobits" should be glad she's not a part of this fic)

Ban settled down considerably since Aesclepius (after much prodding and fitful, persistent yammering from the spiky-haired man) offered a fair assessment and explanation for all his troubles.

After poring through all the volumes of spells, curses, oaths, invocations, execrations, maledictions, and edicts that had been passed through the centuries from generation to generation down Ban's witch bloodline; Aesclepius finally decreed that his host's unbelievably unfortunate night could be attributed to nothing more than –

Incredibly pure, rotten luck.

Not that I have a choice since you are the Queen's only heir, but I always wonder what it would be like to be bound to a great military general, a rapacious tycoon, or a ruthless politician instead of a hapless dork like you, the snake spirit mused.

"SHUT UP!" Ban roared and banged his fist onto the boot of the 360.

"Geez! I haven't even said anything yet!" Shido scowled. "But I'll say it anyway. Fate dislikes you just as much as the rest of us do."

It took some time getting into downtown, but finally, the boys managed to push the Ladybug into the Blade Runner-esque, brightly lit, giant plasma screen landscaped avenues of Shinjuku, basking in the decadent charms of their home base while the dark, forbidding concrete façade of Mugenjou loomed ominously behind them.

But the retrievers, particularly Ginji, ignored its magnetic pull and beckoning whispers – never looking back.

From behind the steering wheel, Ginji peeked his head out of the door-less side. "On a positive note, Ban-chan, now we can get the leather upholstery you've always wanted." He paused, thought awhile and added enthusiastically. "Oh! And whaddya say we paint her another colour, like lemon yellow? Or how about metallic purple, to match your glasses?"

"I want my white Ladybug back, dumbass!" Ban exploded, catching the attention of drowsy night-lifers who stumbled out of the flashy pubs and 24-hour eateries. "Preferably with its door, windows, hood, seats, and engine intact!"

"Er... I guess white is a nice colour, too," Ginji cocked his head with a sunny smile.

"Me thinks your next client should be an auto repair shop or something," Shido suggested as he put little effort in pushing his rival's car. Why strain yourself when you had a man with a 200 kg grip to do all the work?

"Like, you're reading my mind, Monkey Trainer," he grouchily replied.

"Hey guys. You know what's weird? The blond Get Backer probed, poked and shook the charred chunk of metal in his hands.

"Steady the wheel, twerp!" Ban shouted. "Weird?"

"Yeah. This head. When I electrified it, it made these strange noises and kept saying 'yes', 'yes', 'yes'."

"Huh?" Ban's glasses slid further down his nose.

"Why would it do that?" Shido squinted.

The brown-haired dakkanya's sapphire eyes slowly regained their sparkle. Despite his foul mood, Ban couldn't help but see the vast humour in all this insanity. He giggled. "Hee-hee..."

"What's so funny?"

"Yeah?" Ginji seconded.

His partner was now consumed by fits of laughter. "There are only two reasons why someone would say 'yes' that many times. Either you're about to win something big, or..." Ban grinned naughtily. "... well, let's just say this android didn't win anything..."

"I still don't..." Shido frowned.

"Come on, zoo boy. There's got to be porn in Mugenjou, right?"

"Sure. But what's that got to do with – "And just like that, a hot flush spread across the Beastmaster's cheeks. "Oh. Ohhhh..." He, too, chuckled.

"Boy, you really are an amazing piece of work, Ginji. You can even make artificial girls scream out... hahaha... "Ban failed to continue.

Ginji pouted and blinked huge Bambi eyes at his two friends. It was great they were (temporarily) bonding over this silly private joke they shared, but...

"Hey! Is it something I did? I don't get it..."

Oh, Ginji.

---

As the retrieval agents entered the smaller, darker, less frequented side streets of Shinjuku around the Honky Tonk, Ban heard a fluttering sound and sensed something perch on top of his head. His eyes traveled upwards.

"What the – ow!" Instantly, claws dug into his scalp. Ban tried to swat the pocket-sized fiend off.

"Damn stupid bird!" He shot a devilish glare at Shido. "Tell him to stop! It's not even light out yet. Are sparrows even supposed to be up at this hour?"

"No. But He's making an exception tonight just for you," he snickered.

"Yeee-owwwch!"

The bird scritched and scratched and pecked and pulled, making a more tangled mess of Ban's brown nest of hair than it already was.

"I thought we called it quits?" he pleaded.

Chirp, chirp, cheep!

"You broke your deal when you threw that rock back at him," Shido translated.

"But my windshield is ruined! By my own hands. Isn't that enough?" The Get Backer looked like a crazed headbanger trying to shake off his attacker.

Chirp, cheep, cheep, chirp!

"Still, he thinks he's entitled to a free shot at you."

"Fine! Go ahead!" Ban screamed in exasperation. "It can't be much worse than what I've already been through."

And then he felt a warm, sticky goo pool on his hair and ooze down his spiky strands in whitish streaks.

Ban rumpled his face in disgust. He kinda had a feeling the bird had saved up just for this moment. "Shit! Now I'm positive you told him to do that!"

"Who, me? You're out of your mind, freak," Shido scoffed as the sparrow flitted onto his index finger. He brought it closer and whispered mischievously. "I owe you one, my friend."

"I heard that!" Ban howled.

Its mission accomplished and revenge complete, the sparrow flapped its wings in front of his foe's face in a fond farewell and then flew away.

"Ahh... ah – ah – choo!" he sneezed. "Great. Now, I'm allergic. Hope you two are happy." Ban removed Shido's bandanna from his shoulder, wiped the gunk out of his hair with it and hurled it at the laughing head beside him.

The Honky Tonk's illuminated sign came into view. "Ahhh... home sweet home..." Ginji sighed ecstatically as he stretched his arms out wide. "... where our adventures begin and our troubles end. Right, Ban-chan?"

"Amen," his partner whistled. "I mean, what more could possibly go wrong?" Then blue eyes bugged out.

"Ginji! Watch !"

As the Subaru veered to the left and up the sidewalk, Ginji hit the brakes... but only after it ran over the café's sign. And together with the car's loose fender, it crashed down into the pavement with a screeching, clanging racket that disrupted the quiet of the neighbourhood.

"I'd say your big mouth, bastard," Shido said.

"Ooops. Hehehe..." The blond klutz scratched his head.

Paul popped out of the Honky Tonk's door and peered below at the glass fragments crunching underneath his shoes. "This goes on your tab," he stated calmly and without an inkling of surprise. He was waaay past being surprised with these two buffoons. "And please move your car. A dead body within fifty metres of an eating establishment is a violation of Section 64, Article 15 of the Sanitation Code. Just so you know." He went back inside.

The Get Backers groaned in protest.

After a few minutes, the boys made it into their safe haven.

"Top of the morning, folks! We're back!" Ginji sang out as he, Ban and Shido dragged in everything that didn't contain a chopped-up body part in them. They tossed them in together with the huge pile of other metal cases that were scattered on the bar's floor.

"And I thought I had it bad at the Belt Line," Emishi tsk-tsked. He looked absolutely ridiculous in the sparkly flapper dress he wore over his clothes and the French powdered wig that was crooked on his head. Apparently, the clown was drowning out his sorrows by raiding Natsumi's shopping cart – and gulping down a few beers.

"You guys – hic! – look like you just snatched those parts out of the hands of the Devil himself." He tipsily adjusted his pink-framed glasses for a better view of the bedraggled late-comers.

"Felt like it, too," Shido mumbled, goggle-eyed at the horrid wreck that was his friend. Ignoring the lush, he turned to the starkly contrasting figure of Kakei Jubei, who sat rigidly opposite Emishi. "Didn't expect to see you here, Jubei."

"I helped Haruki-san bring over his and Kazuki's collection of cases," he replied in his low, monotonous tone. The needle expert's gloved hands were clenched tightly together on top of the table. "Kazuki... You haven't happened to run into him, have you? He's been gone an awfully long time..."

Meanwhile, Ban spied a familiar short-haired pixie face grinning at him from the far corner of the bar.

"Himiko!" He boomed and stomped over to Lady Poison's side. "What the heck are you doing here? I thought you were in Kyoto?"

"Hello to you, too, jerk!" Kudo Himiko flouted. "I just got back. Saw the Honky Tonk's lights still on and thought I'd grab a cup of coffee before heading home. And boy, am I ever glad I did. Made it in time for this freak show."

Himiko scanned her ex-teammate from head to toe and mockingly pouted. "Paul. You're such a rip-off. These two scruffy vagrants look nothing like their picture." She held up a full-size, full-colour, photo paper-printed picture of the Get Backers in drag with a priceless deer-caught-in-headlights expression on their faces.

"Paul!" Ban went ballistic as he seized the paper out of Himiko's clutches. "I told you –"

"Hey! That's my copy!"

"Just collecting on my insurance, is all," the barkeeper smirked. "I knew the minute Hevn called you guys that you wouldn't be paying up. So, that photo graces my wall until you do."

"Dammit! You shouldn't have to make frickin' duplicates!"

"What? And deprive the rest of us the pleasure of seeing you in your drag queen splendour? So selfish as usual, Ban," Himiko cackled and grabbed her copy back. "Hmm... I wonder how much Dr. Jackal would pay for this. I'm sure he'll appreciate seeing you looking like a female version of himself...hahahaha."

"Grrr... You are so on my list, seaweed head!" he shouted

"–And you've always been on mine, sea urchin!" she yelled back, indigo eyes narrowing.

Smiling, Ginji left the two to sort their differences, wondering if they would ever be able to kiss and make up. Walking down the corridor with Akatsume at his heels, his heart practically melted when he spotted a lone, dark head nestled within the confines of the farthest booth.

He hardly expected Natsumi to wait as long as she did in which was already a late, pre-dawn hour. Surely, Paul, Emishi, or even Jubei would've gladly escorted her home if she hadn't insisted on staying. But stayed, she did.

Ginji crept quietly towards the sleeping girl who had foil-covered bowls and plates arranged neatly in front of her. He resisted the urge to say hello, taking a few precious seconds instead to marvel at how cute and angelic Natsumi was in her slumber; breathing softly, head pillowed on her arms, jet-black hair falling in wisps across her delicate face. But most of all, Ginji envied how much at peace she seemed, oblivious to the noisy bickering, so detached from the danger and troubles that constantly plagued the Honky Tonk regulars around her.

And then that feeling struck, as swift as an arrow shot through the heart. Ginji realized he wanted that peace, too - for as long as he could have it. And he found himself imagining he was sharing it with this sweet, uncomplicated girl... a peace that lasted through the day, into the night, everyday for the rest of his life.

He knew Natsumi could wait this long. But would she wait forever?

The blond Get Backer went giddy at this strange epiphany. But first thing's first...

He sure wasn't going to start a potential courtship looking the way he did now.

Bending over the dog, he instructed. "If anyone tries to wake her up, bite him in the butt." Grinning from ear-to-ear, he headed into the back room to clean up.

Dressed in his regular clothes and finally putting what he hoped was his first – and last – drag episode behind him, Ginji opened the door and saw his partner blocking the way. He had a bottle of pinot noir filched from Paul's stash in one hand and 'Hello Kitty' in the other.

"Forgetting something?" Ban roguishly teased between cigarette puffs as he waved the doll in his friend's face.

"Of course not," Ginji answered shyly. He took the stuffed animal with slightly nervous hands. "From the both of us. I remember."

The brunette raised an amused eyebrow and leaned a free hand on the door frame. "Yo. Go easy on her. The way you operate..."

"Ban-chaaan..." he whined. His cheeks were tinted bright pink. "Gee. It's not like I'm asking her to marry me or anything like that."

"Damn better not be!" Ban pulled on Ginji's ear. "We've still got millions of bucks to make and thousands of cute chicks yet to charm the pants off. I can't do it alone!"

"Yeah. 'So many girls, so little hope', you once said." Ginji laughed. "Hey. I'll always be a sucker for a pretty face, that's for sure." His voice softened as he stepped out. "But Natsumi-chan... She's special."

"I know, pal. I know.' Ban gazed back wistfully at the blond before closing the door behind him.

Deciding to let Natsumi sleep, Ginji placed the doll on the seat next to her. Before leaving, though, he couldn't help but sweep the strands of hair that covered her features and tuck them behind her ear. In doing so, his finger accidentally grazed the high school student's porcelain cheek. She stirred.

"Mmmm..." Natsumi mumbled as her eyes slowly drifted open. "Gin-chan, you're – oh!" She jumped wide awake. "I heard you guys got into a car crash. Are you all right?"

"Don't worry, we're fine. The Ladybug is a total wreck, however." Ginji assured her. He took on a guilty expression. "I didn't mean to wake you –"

"I'm glad you're okay," she breathed a sigh of relief and lost the concerned edge in her tone. The teenager shook her head. "I shouldn't have fallen asleep after Hevn told us what happened. I'm so sorry about how the job turned out. You poor boys must've had quite a shock, huh?"

"Aa." He didn't want to elaborate further. The less gory details she knew, the better. "But that doesn't mean we don't appreciate all the help you gave us today." Ginji held out the toy. "For you. From the very grateful Get Backers," he announced spiritedly. "It's a little wet, though..."

"A 'Hello Kitty'! Really? For me? I- I don't know what to say!" the waitress exclaimed, hopping excitedly. Ginji thought the pure joy she radiated said more than enough.

Natsumi tilted her head curiously as she regarded the doll in her arms. "But why does she have a blindfold? And what are these handcuffs for?"

"Uhh, well..."

"Oh, wait. I get it..." She untied the strip of cloth over Kitty-chan's eyes and deftly slipped the handcuffs off her furry little paws. Triumphantly, she declared, "See? Now she looks just like Ban-san in his witch costume! Kawaii!"

The spiky-haired Get Backer stopped by the table just as he caught the compliment. "Wow. So now I look like a stuffed cat. Terrific," Ban sighed while buttoning up his shirt. He then followed it up with a content shrug. "But I suppose it's preferable to being compared to Jackal or Sadako." He hesitated.

"Thanks, Natsumi. That's probably the nicest thing anyone's said about me the whole night."

Surprisingly, he wasn't being sarcastic at all.

"No. Thank you. It was a very sweet gesture," the young girl insisted, taking his hand in hers and giving it a warm squeeze.

Ginji watched the whole exchange with a small smile – and a tiny glint of hurt in his eyes. It was only natural she show appreciation to the smarter one first, he thought.

Ban saw this and almost laughed in exasperation. He jabbed a thumb in his partner's way. "You should thank the softie here. It was actually his idea."

Natsumi turned to the blond romantic with a starry gaze that told him outright, Of course I knew that, dummy.

"I love – the gift, Gin-chan. You're so thoughtful. Thanks!" she said quietly without taking her eyes off him. Then the girl placed her hands on Ginji's shoulders, stood on tip-toe and gave him a lingering kiss on the cheek.

Not knowing what to do, he responded unconsciously by wrapping an arm around the small of Natsumi's back and pressing her close...

And forgetting to let go.

Heated, intrigued stares beamed around the two compromised youngsters. Even blind Jubei could sense the scene and reacted with a slight smile. Looking straight into each other's eyes and with matching crimson flushes on their faces, Ginji and Natsumi untangled themselves and giggled with embarrassment.

"Um, anyway..." she quickly shifted her attention to the food and began tearing the foil covers off the bowls. "You two must be starving."

Ginji drooled at the complete spread. "S-sukiyaki!" he gurgled.

"As promised," Natsumi grinned. "And I baked an apple strudel topped with lots of vanilla icing just the way you like it, Gin-chan."

The Get Backer thought that maybe Akabane actually did manage to kill him, since he currently felt like he was in heaven.

"Ban-san, I saved some for you, too."

"It's okay. I kinda lost my appetite," he claimed. Ban shook his rapidly emptying bottle of wine. "Besides, tonight I'm on a liquid diet."

"You're kidding me." Ginji's mouth gaped incredulously. Greedy Ban-chan giving up his share of the grub? Now he was certain for sure he was in paradise.

"I kid you not. Knock yourself out." His partner waved his hand. I know I will.

Ginji sat down. Not even bothering to microwave the food with his ultra high frequency electricity, he dug in while alternating between feeding the dog and telling a giggling, gasping Natsumi all about his escapades at the club and hotel. So the beef was cold, the noodles soggy and the vegetables limp...

But he thought it was the best meal he ever had.

---

Ding! Ding!

The Honky Tonk's door chimes cheerfully rang out followed by a second, gentler tinkling of bells and the rustle of silks caught in the night breeze.

An irritated, breathless voice prattled non-stop. "Sorry I'm late, but it was unbelievably impossible to get a taxi out of Shibuya at this hour. Fortunately, a nice man offered me a ride here. Nice, that is, until he tried to get fresh with me. Heh. Well, I made sure he won't be using those loose lips to kiss anyone anytime soon..."

"Er..." Emishi muttered as he tried signaling to Kazuki by frantically cutting his index finger across his neck.

"Kazuki! What happened? Did you say someone tried to attack you?" Jubei exclaimed as he emerged out of the corridor wielding gigantic-ass needles that came out of nowhere.

"Oh, uhh, Jubei. You're still... here," the surprised annaiya stammered.

Big, fat sweatdrops popped out one-by-one behind everyone's head (everyone, that is, but Kazuki's unwitting sworn protector) as the astonished crowd gawked speechlessly at the gypsy-costumed queenly vision that glided in through the door.

Literally, 'queenly'.

"Y-y-you, too?" Shido shook his head and covered his eyes.

"It was part of the job, okay?" the string master complained defensively, standing with arms akimbo, wearing a rhinestone tiara in his long chestnut hair and a royal blue sash across his body that proclaimed 'Ms. Dolce Vita Sweetheart' in glittery letters.

Himiko broke the silence with gleeful clapping. "This is too good to be true! Now I'm really, really happy I came over!" she raved hysterically.

"Whoa, Thread Spool! Way to go!" Ban stepped forward and offered his bottle in a toast. "I knew you'd win that beauty contest hands down."

"Hmph! No thanks to you!" Kazuki pouted prettily as he banged his tacky, Oscar-inspired, female nude trophy onto the counter." Though a couple of girls did come over and tell me I got their sympathy vote because they saw me - and I quote - bitch-slap you."

"Hey, I'm glad I could help," the snake man drunkenly smiled.

The Fuchouin heir blew past the Get Backer and snubbed him. "Everyone wanted to take pictures and guys kept hitting on me and asking for my number," he groaned.

"Who kept hitting you?" Jubei demanded.

The whole crew rolled their eyes in unison.

"And apparently, they expect me to show up for the monthly finals! I don't know what to do..." Kazuki then stopped, clenched his fists and turned on his heels to face the cause of his dilemma.

"This is all your fault, Mido. And do you know what the most humiliating part of the contest was? The so-called 'talent portion' where we had to dunk our faces into a bowl of whipped cream, catch a cherry with our teeth and then try to tie a knot in the stem using only our mouths. In short, it was a total nightmare, you jerk!"

"You're welcome," Ban sniggered. But his perverse sense of curiosity was piqued. "So. Did you?"

"Did I what?"

"Tie a knot in the cherry stem."

Kazuki gracefully sat on the bar stool next to Himiko, eyes shining equal parts mischief and indifference. He coolly replied, "Well, I won, didn't I?"

Those in the know raised their eyebrows higher than Mt. Everest.

"Oh my God. I think I'm in love," Lady Poison swooned.

"I don't understand," Natsumi wondered out loud. "Why is that considered a talent? Hmm... Maybe I should try it out, too."

"You do that," Emishi slurred. "Hic! And someday, you'll make one lucky guy a very happy man." He pulled down his outrageous glasses and nudged Ginji with a knowing wink.

"Emishi!" Paul roared. He slapped his palm to his forehead. I really should've given Natsumi the day off, he realized regretfully.

"I told you that Snake Bastard was bad luck," Shido commiserated with Kazuki.

He quickly downed a shot of cold sherry and regarded Shido's torn shirt and sooty vest. "I see you got caught with him, too."

"Lesson number one. Forget Ginji. The next time we bump into Mido, just run like hell in the opposite direction," the Beastmaster sighed.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

"My goodness! Did a weapon of mass destruction just hit your car, Ban-kun?" Hevn warbled. As usual, her own 'weapons of mass distraction' made a grand entrance before she did.

"Great! I see everyone's here – plus you." Hevn eyed Himiko with suspicion.

"Don't mind me," she remarked off-handedly. "I'm just enjoying the free circus."

The mediator flashed her a plastic smile and continued. "I've smoothened things over with the police."

"Excuse me, Hevn-san. Forgive me for asking, but did you actually negotiate with the authorities at this time of night wearing that?" Kazuki dubiously expressed, having noticed her black micro-mini and fire engine-red spandex tube top that hazardously teetered on the brink of common indecency. Surely, he wasn't the only one wondering how, oh how she defied the laws of physics by not having that thing around her waist already.

"Hmm... I should ask the same of you, Princess Jasmine. " Hevn tipped her head.

"What Thread Spool is too polite to ask is, how you managed to convince the cops of our innocence looking like a street hooker," Ban put it more bluntly.

"No doubt, it's part of her 'smoothening' technique," Paul suggested.

"Yeah. In a 'Basic Instinct' kind of way," Ban snorted.

"You boys know me so well," Hevn chirped sarcastically. "Anyway, the bad news. Our client just confessed to the murder of Nakano Keiichiro. So you can say sayonara to that fifteen million yen payoff, I'm afraid."

"Awwwww..." The gang thundered a collective grumble.

Hevn put up a finger to silence them. "The good news is, none of you need to be questioned by the police on your whole involvement in this."

"Feh. Some good news that is." Ban blew a big cloud of smoke.

"Since your fingerprints are all over the parts, consider yourselves very fortunate," she hissed and gave him a hard tweak on the arm.

"Okay. But how exactly were we involved in this murder case in the first place?" Kazuki asked.

Hevn slipped into the window booth and flipped her long flaxen hair dramatically. "Dr. Jackal."

Everyone in the Honky Tonk, except Ginji, gasped.

The agent proceeded to narrate details that pretty much confirmed everything that Akabane had told Ginji about the fake hijacking, the missing body parts and the microchip inside Nakano's head. Ban further corroborated the conspiracy by explaining Kojio and the Yakuza's role in the whole caper, while Ginji related the circumstances of Dr. Jackal's mission.

"So that 'mysterious man' who called your client was Jackal?" Himiko frowned, annoyed that a fellow hakobiya could flagrantly toe the lines of their profession. "That maniac has gone too far."

"I don't know whether or not to be flattered he thought highly enough of us to recommend our services," Kazuki pondered.

Shido shrugged. "Well, we are the best in the business, after all."

"And the Nakano kid? How was he mixed up in this debacle?" Ban deeply inhaled on his cigarette. "What was so important about that chip?"

"Ah, and now the sad part of this story." Hevn shifted in her seat and clucked her tongue. "By now, you're all aware Nakano Keiichiro was this computer and robotics engineering genius, right? He had corporations here and abroad trying to recruit him into their ranks. But he chose to do his thesis research with a local robotics lab that was small but very progressive, radical, and cutting edge – our client."

"Cutting edge, indeed," the spiky-haired man punned.

Hevn rolled her eyes. "So Nakano joined the client's scientific team and shared his research under the condition he was going to be made a partner of the company upon graduation from university. It is said Nakano considered the client some sort of mentor and father figure." She paused.

"A few months ago, Nakano developed an A.I. that utilized a unique dual 'touch-emotion' synthesis device."

"Touch-emotion synthesis?" Ginji repeated curiously. "What's that?"

"It means that a robot with this chip can coordinate its movement and respond to touch and body language simply by sensing pressure, heart rhythm, body temperature, nerve impulses, and brain activity. It doesn't need a voice command to tell it what to do," Kazuki expounded.

"Huh?"

"You're such a nerd, string bean," Ban stubbed out his cig and slammed his half-empty bottle of wine on the table in exasperation. "But you're right. It's like this, Ginji. Pretend you're a robot, okay? Then suddenly, Natsumi kisses you. Nice, huh? But because you're a robot, you wait for her to order you to kiss her in return, saying something like, 'Gin-chan! Kiss me, you fool!'"He tried, and failed miserably, to mimic Natsumi's voice.

"But she doesn't. So you just stand there and do nothing."

"Now, if you had a 'touch-emotion' intelligence chip inside of you, you'd kiss Natsumi because you feel like you need to, you have to – instinctively. It's all in your programming."

"Got it?"

Too astounded for words, Ginji turned chibi and weakly nodded. He looked like a giant red beet. Meanwhile, Natsumi sat stiffly in her seat, blushing profusely.

"That was beautiful, man," Emishi cried, putting an arm around Ban's shoulder.

"Glad you've finally joined the Mido Ban-sama fan club, Joker." The two lushes blithely clinked booze bottles.

"The bastard's drunk, isn't he?" Shido made a face.

"As a fish," Himiko confirmed.

"So Hevn," he burped. "This A.I. of Nakano's. Combined with speech synthesis and a perfect anthromorphic body..."

"... and you've got an android that's more human than ever before," she finished.

"Still, I don't know why that's practical in today's world. I can see the A.I.'s benefits being used in prosthetics, medical procedures or even explosives defusing. But in a complete human robot? It doesn't make sense." The string master was thoughtful but hadn't quite arrived at the answer yet.

"That's just how Nakano had originally planned on developing his invention, Kazuki-san. Our client, though, didn't quite see it that way." Hevn was having a ball drawing out the suspense.

"How is that?" Ginji drowsily asked.

"Think about it, people. Why would you possibly want to touch a robot and have it touch you in return?" Ban quizzed, haughtily perched on top of the bench with one foot on the seat and the other on the table, looking like a wine-guzzling, chain-smoking 'Thinker'.

Silence.

"Bravo, Ban-kun. Naturally, I'm not surprised you figured the whole thing out mainly because your mind is a cesspool," Hevn groaned. She came to the clincher of the tale. "Unbeknownst to Nakano, our client was maneuvering behind his back, making arrangements to sell the anthro-android division of the company – bundled together with Nakano's A.I. designs – to the world's largest manufacturer of adult toys."

"Adult toys? Oh –"Kazuki's bells jingled. "Then that means –"

"We got back hi-tech, mechanical blow-up dolls," Ban proclaimed emphatically. He elbowed Kazuki and whispered. "I guess that little dream I gave you wasn't so far-fetched after all."

"Don't remind me!" he snarled through his teeth.

"Robots. For sex?" Emishi's glasses slid off his face.

"The talking head. So that was what it was for," Shido added. "Holy crap. I thought it might've been some programmer's idea of a joke."

"No joke," Hevn shook her head. "Of course, when Nakano learned of his boss's intentions, he transferred the prototype blueprints to a microchip, had it surgically implanted somewhere in his head and then decided to have his research patented immediately. Nakano figured the only way anyone was ever going to get to that chip was to dig it out of his dead body... So to cut a long story short – "The chuukaiya hesitated and bit her lip.

"Let me guess," Ban interpolated. "Our client kills Nakano, probably in an argument over the chip. Then discovering he's passed the point of no return, he fast-tracks the sale in secret by holding an auction, and subsequently, the fake hijacking. So, when the android parts begin turning up all over the place, they can be attributed to the supposed 'theft'."

"Two birds with one stone. The client no longer claims responsibility over Nakano's lost research nor his missing body. How cunning." Kazuki was slightly awed.

"But because the whole scheme got fucked up, the client hires us to get the stuff back. I bet he was going to pin the corpse on us, fly off to Switzerland, 'retire', and hie it off to some non-extradition country just in case," Ban concluded. He took a long pull on his bottle. "I can't believe we came this close from being Get Backers to 'Body Hackers'."

"True. Who knew your breach of contract and incredibly bad luck would actually be a blessing in disguise?" Hevn noted.

Paul agreed. "Sure you lost your money, your car, and even your pride. But at least you're free to work another day, yes? You know, to pay your tab and such..."

"I hate to say it, but you guys did the right thing," Shido admitted. "You foiled a crime and Nakano Keiichiro gets justice and a proper burial." He rubbed the top of Akatsume's happily panting head. "For what it's worth, at least I got a new friend out of all this."

"And I got 25,000 and this crown," the string-style expert realized, not too disappointed with his outcome.

"I finally entered the fringes of the Belt Line and survived. I suppose that's something," Emishi muttered.

Ban wailed. "And I got a beat up shoulder and over a million yen worth of car repairs. You're not making me feel any better, you assholes!"

"I think that's the general idea, dummy." Himiko smiled.

"Well, there's one valuable lesson to be gained from this mission of yours," Jubei spoke up.

"Yeah. The minute you invent something, get a lawyer and patent the hell out of that sucker pronto," the snake man drolly remarked.

The gang fired him dirty looks.

"No. Bad things may sometimes happen to good people, but good things never happen to bad ones."

Ban narrowed his eyes. "And you're lumping in the latter group or the former?"

"Could go either way, if you ask me," the Beastmaster said.

"Never mind that. The bigger question is – "The wannabe comedian zig-zagged down the floor to the hill of metal cases and shoved his hands in his pockets. Rocking on his heels, Emishi grinned hopefully. "– Will these robots, you know, work?"

"Hmmm... Of course, they don't have the touch-emotion sensors in them yet, but that doesn't mean they can't just lie there and uh, take it." Hevn stood up and approached the pile with a clackity-clack of her stilettos. Drumming her fingers on her chin, she glanced at her watch. "We have a couple of hours before these beauties are taken into evidence by the cops, and it's not like our former client is in any position to mind, so –"The agent turned to the expectant crowd with topaz eyes glowing wild like a tiger's. "Whaddya say we find out?"

---

"What is this I'm touching?" Jubei wondered as he passed his hand over something small and soft.

"Whoa! That – that can't possibly be natural in real life, can it?" Himiko giggled.

"Holy cow! This gal's anatomically correct!" Emishi had an idiotic grin on his face as he stuck his fingers where he normally shouldn't.

Kazuki raised a surprised eyebrow. "No kidding? Both –"

"Yup. All runways are cleared for take-off. Or rather, take-in, hehe."

Artificial bodies and limbs were strewn on the bar's floor with the gang sprawled about assembling and tinkering, playing like excited little orphans on Christmas toy drive.

Ban tapped Hevn's shoulder. "Yo, Hevn! Monkey Trainer and I –"

"Not now! I'm busy!" she barked, her paws 'busy' all over the six-pack abs of the male torso she had hostaged.

"We want to know how much each of those parts are worth," Shido pestered on.

"Yeah, so he can finally become Madoka's lawfully wedded handyman full-time," Ban razzed.

"Why you !"

Peeved at having her one-on-one interrupted, the agent picked herself up, smiled sweetly, and pinched the rivals' cheeks with each of her hands. "Oh, you boys are just adorable when you fight. So, wanna know who won that silly bet, do you?"

"Yeah!" they chorused.

Smack! Her palms made simultaneous contact.

"Ow!"

"What the –"

"No one, you morons!" Hevn shrieked. "If you think I'm going to lose one of my retrieval experts to a stupid dick-swinging contest, you've got another thing coming. Now, shove it back into your pants and behave yourselves!"

The two shrank away, holding their stinging cheeks and spitting colourful curses at each other.

Meanwhile...

"You might want to leave the assembling to me. I don't think that thigh goes with that leg," Kazuki chuckled at his best friend's grotesque attempt at re-constructing a leg, as he combined a muscular male thigh with a slim, shapely female shin.

"I can handle it," Jubei insisted determinedly, disassembling the limbs and fumbling around for the correct parts. "Even though I may someday regain my sight, it doesn't mean I shouldn't take advantage of every opportunity to perfect my instincts or sense of touch. They may prove useful in ways you least expect."

"Oh, Jubei," Kazuki smiled.

"Oh, barf!" Ban retched.

"Man, what a babe!" Emishi whistled, practically slobbering over his nearly complete female robot. "All she needs now is a pretty little head."

Shido held out a large hunk of charcoal in his hand. "This one looks like Miss Hevn... Well, used to look like her anyway." He dropped it like a hot potato on Emishi's lap.

Hevn and Himiko were salivating over their fully assembled piece of beefcake.

"Hey, don't you think this robot head sort of resembles Ban-kun?" Hevn queried.

"Pffft... I don't know," Himiko sniffed and slightly turned her view away from the uncanny likeness. "Like I care."

"Liar," she ribbed knowingly in muted tones.

Lady Poison's eyes grew wide and vehemently waved her hands in protest. "Wait, it's not what you think!"

"All right, all right. No need to get all defensive," the mediator snickered. She then wrinkled her nose. "But come to think of it, staring at this robot is just like staring at Ban... naked... except with a bigger, well-endowed body." Hevn gagged. "Which is kinda gross."

At that moment Ban came over and knelt beside the buxom blonde. "You girls – hic! - aren't talking behind my back, are you?" he drawled. Then suddenly, without warning, he threw out his arms and grappled the agent's breast with one hand and a robot's boob with the other. Giving both a comparative squeeze, the snake declared, "Well, I'll be... I guess your boobs are real, after all – OOOF!"

Hevn showed appreciation for his acknowledgement with a wicked back-hand to his plaster strip-dotted face. "Why, thank you for finally realizing the truth, you pervy, drunken lout." She adjusted her top. "Truth hurts, doesn't it?"

Slumped over a bar stool, Ban whimpered in the affirmative.

"Know what? With a bod like this, who needs a head, right?" Hevn scoffed as she twisted the Ban-lookalike's neck off the torso with an almost brutal precision. Both she and Himiko had a strange sense of satisfaction having done that.

"Hey boys! Want this head?" she hollered and rolled it down the floor like a bowling ball towards Emishi and Shido.

"Sure, why not?" Emishi cheerfully obliged. Whistling, he placed a long, brown curly wig on the head and stuck it on the female android's body. With a finger to his lips, the Loulan Dancing Whip specialist examined the results thoughtfully.

"Eh. I guess it's not so bad. She's definitely doable." He nodded.

Shido went ape. "Are you out of your mind? Have you no standards at all? I can't decide whether that thing is Mido as a butch or a drag queen! Either way, that looks like no girl I've ever seen."

"Oh, so you're an expert on human females now. Imagine that," Ban applauded as he finished off the bottle of wine, most of it on his white shirt. "Oi, don't rag on my face just because I probably make a better looking chick than any of you gorillas –"He pointed at Kazuki "- except maybe for you, 'Princess Dolce Vita'."

The long-haired man frowned and guiltily swiped the tiara off his head.

The Get Backer lit his nth cigarette of the night and lazed jauntily with his elbows on the counter. His piercing blue eyes roamed across the room and passed each one on the floor. He burst out laughing.

Oh crap. Paul cringed and retreated to the farthest corner of the bar. He knew that laugh, a demoniacal cackle that meant the snake man was about to bare his fangs and spew acrid venom. Worse, Ban plus his big mouth multiplied by alcohol was likely going to equal half-a-dozen crazies with lethal weapons trashing the place.

For a second, Paul mourned why, oh why, of all the cafes in Shinjuku, Amano Ginji had chosen to come out of the rain and walk into his – dragging all these delinquents with him.

"And what's your problem?" Shido demanded.

Ban playfully blew smoke rings into the stuffy air. "I just find it amusing to see all of you going bananas over some mannequins. You who are supposedly the most feared professionals in Japan. And then I realized why." He cut himself off for a much needed belch.

The gang glowered and silently seethed, waiting for a reason they knew they weren't going to like.

"This is the closest your sorry asses are going to get to a naked, willing person anytime soon." The cocky retriever laughed and flashed the "L" sign. "What a bunch of desperate, pathetic losers."

"Excuse me?" Kazuki plucked a vibrating bell out of his hair.

"Who are you to talk, bastard?" the Beastmaster growled.

"Oi! I'm not the one who mimicked a baboon by staring at that robot's ass all night," Ban simpered. "Monkey Trainer, I suggest you take that android home and practice on her for a while before you marry Madoka. 'Cause I don't think she'll appreciate being 'treated like an animal', if you catch my drift."

Yikes! Not good. Not good at all. Paul slid down behind the counter and cowered.

Ban pointed an accusing finger at Emishi, who still had the drag queen doppelganger in his arms. "And you, Joker! You better pray these sex robots go into mass production within your lifetime, because with your corny, sucky pick-up techniques? They're your only hope anything even close to resembling a girl is gonna say 'yes' to you. Ever."

Ban was on a roll. Like laser-guided missiles, his gaze targeted Himiko next, whose blue-violet eyes were popping out of her tiny face. "Ah, Himiko, you poor girl. When will you learn that violence is not a turn on? Well, except for the likes of that creepazoid sonofabitch Kagami. Anyway, seeing your choice of boyfriend is limited to a jackass and a male doll, I say stick to the doll, kiddo. At least he won't cut you up." He winked at the stupefied teen.

"I guess it's my turn now, huh? Take your best shot," Hevn boldly dared. She puffed out her ample assets and got jiggy with it. "You know very well getting a real man's attention isn't a problem of mine."

"True. No doubt you've got guys falling at your... chest," Ban admitted and pursed his lips. "But don't you wish, just once, you could date a guy who's honest, prefers your company over a ballgame, doesn't have a dozen floozies on the side, will listen to you yap all day, has limitless energy, and won't bring home a nasty disease?"

"In fact, the more you look at it, that robot could be the most perfect, most decent guy you'll ever meet," he sighed exaggeratedly. "Too bad he's a headless stiff."

Body quaking, boobs heaving, and teeth grinding to bits, Hevn tore at her hair. "AAAAGGHHHH! I'm gonna kill you!" she screamed and tried to lunge at the snarky Get Backer. Kazuki held her back.

"As for you two honeymooners..." Ban flicked his wrists limply at Kazuki and Jubei in jest. "Your 'friendship' is so dysfunctional I'm surprised neither of you has exploded in frustration yet. Still..." He held up a sermonizing index finger. "... you should hold on to that robot, Thread Spool. Samurai Boy's got his needle stuck so far up, I don't think he'll ever be able to get it out and stick it up – somewhere else."

(chorus of gasps)

Ban chuckled. "Ahhh... I'm glad I let that out of my system. Now, I feel better."

In the speechless quiet that ensued, all that could be heard were animal grunts, the rustle of an unraveling whip, the clink of glass vials and the tremble of cat-bells. Meanwhile, the stoic, unreadable, hidden face of Jubei turned towards his heckler.

"Hey, no hard feelings needle meister. It's not like you got that joke anyway, hehe." The man with the Evil Eye (and evil sense of humour) held up his hands in mock surrender.

Whap! Whap! Dagger-like needles came flying into the side of the bar, hitting an area between Ban's legs just centimeters - from his crotch.

Cripes! Maybe he got the joke after all...

"Kazuki and I are not – dysfunctional!" Jubei roared.

... or not.

"What the !" Ban leapt up onto the counter, hand covering his lap. "Dammit! Are you insane? That's twice this night I almost got castrated!"

"That would be the least of your worries, Snake Bastard," Shido rumbled as his fingers grew sharp claws and crept on him like a lion to prey. "By the time I'm done with you, you'll wish Hishiki had finished you off!"

"Not before I deal with him first," Kazuki closed in from the front and smiled diabolically. "Remember the Evil Eye you gave me? I think I know just how to make that dream come true – for you."

Ban sat on the counter, trapped between the bar enclosure and the clamoring swarm before him. His eyes bulged with slight panic above the rim of his glasses. "Come on, Kazuki, you're not seriously thinking of using that robot... on me?" He squeaked out that last utterance and gulped.

"If he's not serious, then I am," Hevn threatened with her own weapon – a cellphone. She pulled the Get Backer toward her by the collar. "One measly phone call and the police will be on your ass in minutes. Let's see you try using your big mouth to wiggle your way out of explaining why you have a hacked-up guy in your car..."

"Hevn! You wouldn't!" Ban wrenched away from the agent's wrathful grasp and fell down backwards into the enclosure with a loud bomp!. Crawling, he realized he had nowhere to run.

"Paul! Hide me somewhere, will ya? I promise to pay back the tab after our next job..."

"Yeah, right. And like I would help you even if I could?" The barkeep whimpered from behind the refrigerator.

WHU-PAH!

"Wha- hey!" he glanced down at the coils of ancient fibres wound taut against his body. Their glasses simultaneously slid down their noses and jeweled eyes regarded each other. "Emishi, old pal. You of all people should know I was just joking around, right?"

With one twist of his whip, Emishi tugged Ban back into the fold of pissed-off victims. "Then I, of all people, should know your joke wasn't funny." His emerald irises rascally twinkled. "Just wait and see. When I become Japan's most famous comedian even girls that look like you will say 'yes' to me, hahahaha..."

"... And by the way, I resign from your crappy 'fan club', pal!"

"Coming through, coming through..." Himiko pushed her way to the front.

"Himiko, sweetheart. I knew I could count on you," Ban cooed and batted mesmerizing eyes charmingly at her as he struggled against his binds.

Sweetheart? "Huh? Umm, count on me to do what?" She froze and stammered, momentarily bowled-over by his use of a term of endearment.

"– not to kill me. Because unlike these idiots, you love me way too much to want to see me dead, don't ya?" He flashed her his most roguish, most debonair, most peroxidized-toothed smile.

Himiko let this sink in for a second, then realized...

"EEEEE-YAAAGHH!" she exploded. "You arrogant, presumptious, sneaky sonofabitch!"

"What? What did I say?"

"Your death wish!" Lady Poison produced all of her perfumes between the fingers of her hands and popped out the corks with her teeth. "That's it! Hold him down for me, guys and hold your breath! We're gonna find out what happens when I use the seven poisons on him ALL AT ONCE!"

"Himiko!"

"You go, girl!" Hevn cheered.

"Now you're talking," Kazuki laughed as he began cocooning Ban's body onto the counter with his strings. He took off the violet glasses and stared straight into his cursed eyes. "No Evil Eye for you tonight, sweetheart." Kazuki coyly sang, passed his bells over Ban's face and wrapped his eyes in a blindfold.

"You guys are nuts!"

"Turn him into a monkey first so I can see if I can 'train' him," Shido eagerly requested, rubbing his hands in anticipation.

"Mon-key, mon-key, mon-key..." Emishi, and even Jubei, chanted.

"No! No! No! Wait! You can't do this!" Ban cried out in horror, unable to break free from the clutches of that bloodthirsty, vengeful mob. His head darted around blindly for his partner.

"Ginji! Ginji! Wake up! I need help here! Ginji!"

"GINJI! –mmmpph."

---

But the blond Get Backer didn't hear his pleas. Ginji was safely tucked away in his peaceful little bubble, having earned the deep, soul-soothing sleep he so deserved, with belly full, a dog at his feet, adventures far behind him – and a kind, pretty girl sleeping soundly by his side.

There was nothing more Ginji could want from this reward – a perfect ending to a less-than-perfect day.

As for Ban?

Well... The poor boy's less-than-perfect day was still in search of a merciful ending.

Good luck.

- fin -

---

A.N. : And there goes my first attempt at a fanfic. I know it's been a wild ride, y'all, but I hope you enjoyed it. Please don't hesitate to tell me what you liked, hated, or just plain thought insane. With your help, my next fic can be a tad better.

I truly appreciate the R R and props. Thanks for tuning in. You've been a wonderful audience. :D

So, I'll see you when I see you next. Till then...

Signing off. : )