To Fly, an escaflowne fanfic

To Fly

I felt my stomach rising in that oh-so-familiar falling feeling. I heard myself scream as rocks broke away from beneath me and crumpled to dust. My hand was reaching out for something – anything – to catch me. And suddenly… there it was. A gloved hand grasped my own, glittering white wings stretching from the man's back, his dark hair shadowing his face. And then, as a light seemed to flash, his face came into view.

My Van.

I awoke with a start, tangled up in my bed sheets, with one foot dangling off the bed. Blinking rapidly as if to help me see in the blackness that covered my room, I breathed deeply and then let the breath out in a long, angst-filled sigh.

I missed him.

The ache in my heart was still the same as it had been those few years ago. Was it years? On nights like this it seemed like it happened just yesterday. The rational side of my mind started to kick in through the dreamy haze, and I rubbed my eyes with my hand tiredly. It had been years. Three years, four months, two weeks, and six days, to be exact. But who was counting?

Grumbling to myself, I slid out from under the covers and padded across the room, stumbling over something in the floor. My belt. I grimaced at the sharp pain in my foot from the buckle, but kept walking towards the door without any other mishap. As I ventured downstairs, I smiled to myself at the memory of Van's mahogany-brown eyes. Such eyes I swear I have looked for many times here on this earth, and have never, ever been able to find them. And I've never, ever been able to forget them.

I felt like such a child. Yes, everyone feels this way, I know, but I'm over eighteen already! You'd think something as simple as falling for a guy when you're fifteen would really rub off by now. Or at least have dimmed somewhat. But apparently, my heart didn't see fit to allow me a life without something missing.

It's not like I'd spent all those years pining away from him, either. That day when I saw the vision of him on the water, I really was fine, just like I said. I've gone out other times, with other boys. But each time… something was missing. Something intangible. A spark, or… well, I couldn't figure it out.

Didn't much matter, though, did it? Whatever it was, Van was the only one that had it, and Van was a world away.

Flicking on the kitchen light, my eyes caught the picture of Yukari and Amano that hung on the refrigerator. They had gone out together for a while once I got back from Gaea, but had separated amicably a few months ago for reasons I could never determine. Neither really talked about it, even to me. All I knew was that Yukari and Amano were still friends somehow, and everything was as it had been before I ever left for Gaea. Well, aside from me having a crush on Amano. That certainly wasn't coming back.

I got out a glass of milk, preparing to warm it in the microwave. That is supposed to help you sleep, isn't it? Shrugging to myself, I figured it was worth a try. Too bad Mom doesn't have any more of that Tylenol PM stuff. That was potent. And very, very efficient.

Yawning, I again reflected on Gaea and the turning point that that was in my life. It seemed like I thought the same things over and over, each night this happened, but I couldn't help it. I had to think about it and contemplate how it came to be, or I'd go mad with not determining anything at all.

Was Van thinking about me? Was that the reason these dreams would sometimes come out of nowhere? It was like we were reliving some of our best moments together.

Maybe that's it. We both think of each other at the same time, and are connected by our fondest memories.

Or maybe I was just having a scary dream that my mind changed at the very end to make me feel better.

I almost wished I had my tarot cards, so that I could figure something out. But it was just as well that I didn't have them. Life really was more interesting when you weren't dreading something or anticipating something else.

Propping my chin on my fist as I sat at the kitchen table, I closed my eyes and simply thought of Van. His dark, messy hair; warm, brown eyes; lanky build; earthy scent… How would he look now? Would he be taller? Broader? Even more handsome?

Or would he look exactly the same, minus a few minor changes?

Concentrating, I wished that I could see him right now. Just as he is.

Knowing that I had since grown out of that foolishness (no matter how many times it had worked before), my mind instead switched to a less inviting tack. Like, was he married? Had he been forced to marry for his kingdom's sake? Or had he fallen in love with someone else?

Did it really hurt that much to think of him with another woman? It was entirely natural for him, especially in his position. He surely couldn't wait an eternity for me to come back.

I grimaced. Yes, it did hurt. My alter ego added in a little 'Duh!' in my head. I sipped the warm milk (which really did not taste all that wonderful) and decided that I needed sleep, and that the milk was doing absolutely nothing. Surely I was making myself insane like this. I'd end up in a mental hospital somewhere, with some undiagnosed disease. 'Lost-love-syndrome.' Dumping the milk into the sink unceremoniously, I trudged back up the stairs, hoping upon hope that sleep would come quickly and painlessly this time.

Why is it always night when these morbid thoughts surface? I wondered as I fell back onto the bed. Yukari probably would've said something romantic or deep to me if I'd asked her that. I know, because her answers are always something romantic.

I asked her once how it felt to fall in love. She said it felt like flying. Me having had both experiences, I suppose she's right there. But she didn't mention any of the pain that goes along with it in her answer to my first question. The reason they call it falling in love.

Releasing what I hoped was the last sigh of the evening, I lay with my head cradled by the pillow and pretended – just for a little – that I was standing beside Van. My consciousness faded slightly, and then sharpened, in a totally different milieu from the one in which I lived every day. The sky was… well, I didn't really see the sky. In all honesty, I couldn't really see the setting at all. All I saw was him. I could feel his hand lovingly embracing mine, I could sense his warmth seeping into my bones, and I could hear his voice speaking of nothing in particular. He was older-looking, but with the same boyishly-shy grin he'd worn anytime he'd opened up to me. He was taller, too, and he wore his regal manners well. It all felt so real, as if he and I were together again, and my heart was at peace. Maybe we were, my foggy brain concluded. Mentally, we had a link. But that was just a fleeting thought in the moment that escaped almost the moment it surfaced.

Somehow, our faces were brought very close together, and looking up at his face, I wondered for a moment what it would feel like to kiss those very-tempting lips. I guess he could read it in my eyes, because he brushed the bangs back from my forehead in a gesture that brought any defenses I could have possibly kept crashing down. He leaned his head down and touched his lips to mine, and as I kissed him, I thought to myself with a smile, yeah… it really is like flying. It's definitely worth anything…

Was it still a dream? I didn't remember anymore, I only remembered what Yukari had said to me when I had brought up the issue of pain.

"Well, you have to fall to fly."

Thanks for reading this little bit of nonsense… The last line was what made me do it. It might fit, it might not. Either way, I like the line. So there it is.

-wink