Full of Grace
Summary: After losing her faith in God Joan decides she has no other choice but to leave Arcadia. Based on Sarah McLachlans "Full of Grace."
Spoilers: All of season one.
Disclaimer: I own nothing as this wonderful show belongs to Barbara Hall and CBS.
Author's notes: First off, my apologies for not finishing my other story, I will, eventually. Right now I have a few other story ideas in my head but I will get around to finishing it. Also this is probably just going to be a one shot thing, but as always, I am open to ideas so please read and review and maybe I'll continue with this.
Joan looked around at all of the people in the bus station. Most of them looked like they were in a hurry to leave as was she. She didn't know their reasons for leaving, maybe the woman in the blue sweater had just gone through a bad breakup, or maybe the man in the suit and tie was going somewhere on business. The thing was though that she didn't care about what their reasons were or how terrible their lives might have been. She wanted to switch places with them, with any of them. After all, could you really blame her?
Pretend you're a sixteen year old middle child of three who had no idea who she was or what she was put on this planet for. But at first that doesn't really bother you. No, you don't care that your older brother used to be this big sports star before he was in a car accident that left him in a wheelchair, or that your father is the chief-of-police, or that your brother is this big science geek who will probably end up being the next Bill Gates or something. None of that really bothers you. You don't even mind that your mother works in your school, well, okay maybe you do care a little about the last one. But for the most part, you're pretty content with the life you've been dealt. Yeah moving was a pain but you seem to have fit in okay, your friends with two moderately popular girls who can be very judgmental and maybe dense but that's okay. After all, your life could be worse right? And then something happens, something that you're so not prepared for. You meet a very cute guy on a bus who follows you out and then proceeds to tell you that he's God. Yeah, I know, you'd think this guy was crazy and then you'd run as far as you could hoping that you'd never see him again. Only there's this feeling, this gut feeling, that maybe this is God. And you go through all the logical questions, most importantly, "What would God want with a sixteen year old girl?" Then you remember about legendary St. Joan of Arc and begin to think, maybe it's possible. Possible yet very annoying. So you give this dude the benefit of the doubt and go and get a job at a bookstore, it's not like you couldn't use the money, and then you think he'd just leave you alone. Think again. For the next nine months God is in your life asking you to perform these tasks, which many of course you're reluctant to do but you begin to get used to having God in your life. He's dependable, and his relationship with you makes you feel, for the first time in your life, special. And it's not like good things haven't come of it, after all you met your two best friends, one of which is your current boyfriend who you're in-love with. Life is great. Only it's not. You find out you were sick the entire time and this whole thing with God could have very well been one huge hallucination. So now what do you do? Now you're back to being average, but the thing is you can't go back to being who you were before because you don't even know who you were before. And you can't be who you are now because who you are now is crazy. And everything you thought you knew and understood, you come to realize you don't. Your boyfriend whom you assumed would understand doesn't and that hurts like hell. All of these special connections are gone. The only solution is to leave, to leave and become someone else. And that's what Joan was doing. She was going somewhere where she wouldn't be known as Joan, or as Jane. She'd change her name, maybe to something like Heather or Margo. She'd become someone new.
"Attention all passengers," a voice interrupted Joan's deep thoughts, "Bus number 314 going from Arcadia to New York City, will be departing from track 9 in five minutes. I repeat; it will be leaving in five minutes." Joan looked down at her ticket.
July 23, 2004
Maryland Bus Inc.
Number 314
Departing from: Arcadia, MD at 7:20 PM
Arriving at: New York City at 1:15 AM
That was her. It was time to go. She boarded the bus and sat down at her seat. As she was looking out the window she heard a song come on the radio. As she listened she took in the words.
The winter here's cold and bitter
It's chilled us to the bone.
We haven't seen the sun for weeks,
Too long, too far, from home.
I feel just like I'm sinking,
And I claw for solid ground.
I'm pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low.
And oh darkness I feel like letting go.
Joan felt like it was a summary of her life the past two months, ever since she found out that she was hallucinating. There was no sun in her life, only clouds and over cast. There was no warmth, only the bitter cold. She didn't feel at ease in her own house. And just like the woman said in the song about feeling like she was sinking, that's how Joan felt. She just wanted to give up and let go, let go of her old life.
If all of the strength,
All of the courage,
Come and lift me from this place.
I know could love you much better than this.
Full of Grace, full of Grace.
My love.
Grace. Joan thought. Adam. Mom, dad, Luke and Kevin. How would they handle this? She had each left them a little note explaining why she had to go. She winced in pain thinking of how much it would hurt them, especially Adam who had been left too many notes in his life. But she didn't have a choice. She hoped they would understand that and know that it wasn't about them. It was about her. She continued to listen to the song.
It's better this way.
I said, haven't seen this place before.
Everything we say and do,
Hurts us all the more.
It's just that we stay,
Too long, in the same old sickly scheme.
I'm pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low.
And oh darkness I feel like letting go.
If all of the strength, all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place.
I know I can love you much better than this.
Full of Grace.
As the bus began to pull away from the streets of Arcadia a single tear fell from Joan's face. The music kept on for a few more beats and then:
I know I can love you much better than this.
It's better this way.
And she repeated to herself, "its better this way."