Anguirus111 Note: For those of you who don't know, Zoda was a character I created initially as a way to branch of the story of the Phantom Menace into a completely new storyline. But as I wrote the character, a nephew of Yoda, I realized how he was the perfect vehicle to lampoon(eg make fun of) that particular movie and did just that to good reviews. I've decided to bring him back to rip A New Hope in two and if successful will have him terrorize the other movies as well. For this story, everything you know about A New Hope has happened the exact same way it did in the movie, but here is where it begins to turn to lunacy. Assume the events of The Wrath of Zoda never happened for this story. BTW, this story will often take abrupt departures from ANH because if it doesn't it might be considered a MST and thus be deletable.
Used speeder lot: "I'm sorry Ben, it's the best he could do," said Luke Skywalker helplessly regarding the money they'd gotten for his speeder. Ben Kenobi checked his money and realized they wouldn't be able to pay the down payment for their trip to Alderaan.
"Come Luke, I know someone who might be able to help us out," said the old Jedi Knight. "I was hoping we wouldn't have to contact him, but it appears we now have no choice."
"I'm sorry," said Luke helplessly.
"Don't worry, it's the will of the Force that this had to happen. Come one," said Obi-Wan. He led Luke and the droids down some back alley streets until they reached a secluded spot in front of an apartment. Obi-Wan buzzed the door and it opened to reveal noone in their line of sight.
"Looks like it's abandoned," said Luke. "I guess your friend left."
"I didn't leave dumbass I'm right here," said a voice. "What the hell do you want?"
Luke jumped as he saw a diminutive figure standing just below his field of vision.
"It's not what I want, it's what he wants," said Luke pointing to Obi-Wan who was standing next to the door.
"If it's not Pizza the Hut, buzz off!" said Zoda.
"Hello Zoda," said Obi-Wan.
"Oh hell," said Zoda. "Not you again! I thought I'd gotten rid of you during the great Jedi purge."
"I see you survived it as well," said Obi-Wan just as cranky.
"Like I always said, it pays to have unusual pets, especially if that pet is a ysalamiri. Anyway, what do you want?" demanded the Jedi.
"I need some money," said Kenobi.
"No way! I refuse to give you anymore drinking money to pay off your tab! I learned that lesson the hard way the last time," said Zoda.
"It's not for drinking money!" shouted Obi-Wan.
"Sithspit!" shouted Zoda. "Besides, if you'd just bought those death sticks back on Coruscant like I told you to you wouldn't be in this ridiculous situation."
"How was I supposed to know the primary planet for producing the stuff would just explode thus raising the cost of deathsticks through the roof?" Obi-Wan protested.
"Excuses, excuses," muttered Zoda. "If it's not for Corellian Brandy then what for?"
"We've booked safe passage to Alderaan for the boy, myself, and two droids," said Obi-Wan.
"What's on Alderaan that's so important?" asked Zoda.
"I can't tell you. Sufficed to say, we need to borrow some money to pay for the trip," said the Jedi.
"Why didn't you just mind trick him to let you go for free?" asked Zoda.
"Because that only works on the weak minded," said Obi-Wan scolding him.
"Face it Dopey-Wan you've lost touch with the Force," said Zoda laughing.
"With your ysalamiri running around the spaceport it's no wonder!" said Obi-Wan. "I couldn't use the Force thanks to its meddling presence, which is why I'm here having this conversation with you!"
"Oy," said Zoda holding his head. "Fine. I'll give you the money."
"Good,"
"But I'm coming with you," said Zoda.
"What? Why?" asked Obi-Wan. Zoda pulled out a knapsack and exited into the alleyway shutting the door behind him.
"To make sure you're not going to be using my money to pay for liquor," said Zoda walking down the street. Obi-Wan shook his head, regretting his decision to contact the Jedi, but shook it off.
"Those plans have to reach Bail Organa regardless of the cost," thought the Jedi.
Docking Bay 94: "I think we're being followed," said Zoda.
"You're imagining things," said Obi-Wan.
"So who is this pilot we're meeting?" asked Zoda.
"He's a scruffy looking nerf herder," said Luke snorting.
"Shot you down for wanting to fly your own ship huh?" Zoda laughed. "Can't say I blame him."
The group entered into the bay and walked down the steps.
"So he's a scruffy looking nerf herder," said Zoda. "Oh hi Han."
"Hello Zoda, long time no see," said Han.
"So who is our pilot?" asked Zoda still not making the connection.
"He is. And what a piece of junk!" said Luke pointing towards the freighter.
"That's not a piece of junk that's the Millenium Falcon!" shouted Zoda.
"She'll make .5 past lightspeed. She may not seem like much," began Han.
"But she's got it where she counts. You guys board I've got to talk to our pilot," said Zoda.
"Hello sir," said 3PO to Han as Zoda rolled his eyes.
"You know Zoda, I'm afraid you'll have to pay if you're coming with us," said Han.
"Not a chance! You owe me for the last time I rode with you," said Zoda. "Those imps were still going to arrest you even without that spice you dumped, but I managed to convince them otherwise saving you from the spice mines of Kessel and being smashed into who knows what."
"Damn it," cursed Han knowing Zoda was right.
"Speaking of which, how're things with ol' Jabba?" Zoda asked.
"Not so good. Greedo came after me in the cantina so I had to kill him," said Han.
"Did you shoot first or did he?" Zoda asked looking over the ship.
"I don't know. Everyone at the cantina had a different recollection of the events that happened. I just don't know!" said Han incredulously.
"Well I can hardly blame you," began Zoda when suddenly a voice yelled out.
"Stop that ship! Blast them!"
Zoda and Han turned to witness several Imperial Stormtroopers rush into the bay.
"Obi-Wan I told you we were being followed!" shouted Zoda as he pulled out two lightsabers and began deflecting blaster bolts.
"Zoda let's roll!" shouted Han firing shots at the troopers. Zoda turned off his sabers.
"I'll be back!" he shouted to the troopers as he ran up the ramp and the Falcon blasted off. A few moments later it broke free of Tatooine and roared off into space.
"Goodbye Tatooine you hellhole," said Zoda in the cockpit.
"Looks like two Star Destroyers are on our tale. Zoda do you know why are passengers are so hot?" asked Han.
"I don't know. I never saw either of them before today. Well at least not for awhile at any rate," said Zoda. Obi-Wan and Luke appeared in the cockpit.
"What's going on?" asked Luke.
"You two are going to get us killed that's what," Zoda grumbled.
"Zoda, pull the coordinates from the navicomputer will ya?" Han asked. Zoda nodded and began pushing buttons as the Destroyers opened fire.
"Evasive maneuvers Han! Evasive maneuvers!" shouted Zoda.
"No! If we do that we won't reach out navpoint," said Han.
"It's your funeral," said Zoda shrugging.
"Yours too if you're not aware," said Han with a smile as Zoda's eyes went wide-open.
"Dammit!" he yelled. "Like old times Han, like old times."
"Why aren't we outrunning them? I thought you said this thing was fast!" shouted Luke.
"Zoda," Han prompted. Instantly Luke's head jerked forward as an invisible force smacked him upside the head.
"No backseat drivers," said the Jedi nutcase. "I'm going to one of the gun turrets."
"What would that accomplish?" asked Ben.
"If I'm going to die I'm going to go out like I came in: all guns blazing," said Zoda. Instantly a light began beeping.
"What's that flashing?" asked Luke.
"It's the microwave, the popcorn's done!" shouted Zoda. Before Luke could respond bewildered, Han began speaking.
"Strap in, we're taking off!" shouted Han. Luke and Ben bolted to the back while Han threw the hyperspace lever and Zoda was flung out the back of the cockpit as the ship rocketed off into hyperspace. Han and Chewbacca looked behind them as Zoda entered into the cockpit.
"Ha, ha, ha," he laughed. "Just kidding."
Han groaned and Chewbacca just shook his head.
"No seriously, how are things with Jabba?" Zoda asked taking a seat. Han shrugged as Chewbacca headed for the back.
"He insists that if I don't pay him back after this charter, he'll put a price on my head so big I won't be able to go near any civilized star system," said Han pushing some buttons.
"That sounds like Jabba alright," said Zoda nodding. "Listen Han, I can't help but feel partially responsible for what happened to you regarding that spice. I'm perfectly willing to give you the money to pay off ol' blobbo," said Zoda.
"No thanks. If this trip pans out I won't have to worry about anything at all regarding Jabba," said Han. "Speaking of which, why are you here and who are our passengers?"
"I'm here because Obi-Wan is a hopeless alcoholic ex-Jedi who spends all his money on booze so he couldn't afford to pay you the original sum. So he came to me for money and I had to ensure that you got paid and that he wouldn't spend it on liquor. I don't have the slightest clue who the other one is," said Zoda.
"A Jedi huh?" said Han shaking his head. "If I hadn't met you before this I would've thought they didn't exist."
"You can thank the good ol' Emperor for that. Course I'm not mad, the Jedi were going to collapse sooner or later," said Zoda. Han pressed another button, took a look at the navicomputer, nodded, and stood up.
"Let's go check on our passengers," said the smuggler when Zoda didn't stand up as well.
"Well if you insist," said Zoda finally getting up. They wandered into the back where they found Chewbacca playing chess with 3PO and Luke using his lightsaber against the remote. Zoda just shook his head as he took a seat.
"Well I guess you're proving the old adage if at first you don't succeed, try, try again," laughed Zoda as Obi-Wan glared at him. Then suddenly Zoda's eyes rolled back into his head and he fell off of the chair holding his ears.
"Medic!" he shouted.
"Zoda quit joking around," said Han. But Obi-Wan quickly shook his head.
"No, he's right," said the Jedi Knight sitting down.
"What's wrong?" asked Luke.
"None you damn," began Zoda.
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force as if millions of voices cried out and then were suddenly silenced," said Obi-Wan.
"450,713,238 voices if I recall correctly," said Zoda as he struggled to stand up again. (Don't ask if that's how many people were on Alderaan when it blew, I have no idea)
"Oh is that all," said Han shrugging off their comments as utter nonsense. Across from them Chewbacca howled.
"He made a fair move, screaming about it can't help you," said 3PO.
"Be careful, it's not wise to upset a wookie," said Han.
"I know that from personal experience. Yikes," said Zoda.
"What did you do?" asked Luke beginning to laugh.
"I've been forbidden to speak of it," said Zoda.
"During Life Day on Kashyyyk during the Clone Wars, Zoda's fighter was shot from the sky and sliced right through the life tree causing it to topple over. Since then every Wookie has vowed revenge on him," said Han.
"So why hasn't Chewie killed him yet?" asked 3PO.
"Because Zoda recently made amends by using the Force to heal the tree," said Han. "And then promptly ran from the Empire's extermination squads."
"All said though, good times, good times," said Zoda pouring himself something to drink.
"But sir, why isn't it wise to upset a Wookie?" asked 3PO. "No one worries about upsetting a droid."
"That's because droids don't pull people's arms out of their sockets. Wookies are known to do that," said Han.
"I see sir. I suggest a new strategy R2, let the wookie win," said 3PO.
"No! Pull his arms off anyway!" shouted Zoda.
"I protest sir," said 3PO revving up for a ranting session. But before he could continue pouting, Zoda pointed his finger at 3PO like a gun and jerked his hand upward like a gun firing. Instantly 3PO shut down and Zoda blew on his finger.
"Beautiful," said the Jedi.
"Wow," said Luke impressed. "How do you do that?"
"Just imagine what you want done and do just that," said the long eared Jedi.
"Luke I don't think it's best to get into that right now. You have to start out slowly," said Obi-Wan.
"Don't baby the kid. You made that mistake once with Anakin don't try it on him too," said Zoda. Obi-Wan made a move to tell him to cut it, but Luke quickly jumped on that tidbit of information about his father.
"Is that why Darth Vader killed him? Because he didn't know enough about the Force?" Luke asked. Zoda looked at him wide-eyed.
"You mean you don't know," began Zoda before Obi-Wan clamped his hand around Zoda's mouth and dragged him away.
"If you ever mention who is father is, I will kill you," said Obi-Wan.
"Okay, okay. Fine," said Zoda pushing him away. "I still think you'd be better off telling him the truth to him before it scars him for life."
"We'll see," said Obi-Wan returning to the bay. Luke had closed his eyes and was deflecting bolts all over the place from the remote.
"Impressive Luke. How did you accomplish this?" asked Obi-Wan.
"I just did what Zoda suggested. I imagined it and it happened," said Luke.
"I call it luck," said Han.
"In my experience there's no such thing as luck," said Obi-Wan.
"In mine there is," said Zoda shrugging. Han just shrugged his shoulders as a device began beeping.
"Alderaan here we come," said Han heading for the cockpit along with the others. As he entered into the cockpit, Han threw the hyperspace lever and the Falcon came out of hyperspace amidst a meteor shower.
"Oh way to go Han! Nice flying!" shouted Zoda.
"You shut up! You set the coordinates!" shouted Han as the ship began rocking.
"Any good pilot would've double checked the coordinates!" shouted Zoda.
"I did!" Han protested.
"Oh," said Zoda as the Falcon exited the shower. "Well then what the hell happened?"
"It's been destroyed by the Empire," said Obi-Wan.
"Dammit Obi-Wan I told you no more alcohol!" shouted Zoda. "Han you need to lock up the liquor cabinet better."
"I'm not drunk it's the truth," Obi-Wan protested.
"Then what the hell did it?" demanded Han. "How am I supposed to get my fifteen thousand? Wait there's another ship coming in."
"Maybe they know what happened?" Luke suggested.
"It's an Imperial Fighter," said Obi-Wan and Zoda at the same time as laser blasts flew around them and the Tie took off.
"Road hog!" shouted Zoda at the fleeing ship.
"It must've gotten lost, been part of a convoy or something," said Luke.
"Well not for long," said Han pursuing the ship.
"Why bother? It's not like the Imps don't know who we are anyway," said Zoda. Chewbacca barked an affirmation to that statement.
"Either way it's not going far it's heading for that small moon," said Han. Zoda thought about that statement for a moment before coming to a conclusion.
"What! Stop!" he yelled smacking a button on the pilot's chair. The Falcon came to an immediate halt.
"Now what? He's getting away!" shouted Han.
"Think about it for a moment! That is a stationary moon in the middle of nowhere. Where the hell did it come from? Alderaan didn't have any moons and if it was destroyed then the debris should've blasted a large chunk of it away. That moon is too perfect, it has no impact craters," said Zoda.
"So what is it?" asked Han.
"My guess? A holographic generator concealing a fleet of Star Destroyers that wiped out that planet," said Zoda.
"Why didn't they take off when it was over? And why the disguise?" asked Han.
"I don't know! Maybe they're waiting for someone and the moon guise is just that," said Zoda.
"That's no moon it's a space station!" said Obi-Wan with sudden realization.
"You are drunk!" said Zoda shaking his head.
"It is! And no I'm not!" shouted Obi-Wan.
"I'm willing to forgive the whole 'empire destroying Alderaan' bit, but not that that thing is a space station," said Zoda shrugging him off.
"Remember those plans back on Geonosis about that moon sized battle station?" Obi-Wan asked. Zoda's eyes went wide open.
"Oh no," said Zoda not wanting to believe it.
"That's it," said Obi-Wan pointing to thing.
"Either way I think we should get the hell out of here," said Luke.
"I think I agree with you," said Han throwing a couple of switches. The Falcon did an about face and promptly tore off in the opposite direction.
Death Star: "Sir we've just received a report from one of our scout ships. It apparently encountered a freighter that blasted itself out of Mos Eisley," said a tactical officer.
"Are you sure?" asked Moff Tarkin.
"Yes sir," said the officer.
"They must have been trying to return the plans to the Princess. She may still be of some use to us," said Darth Vader.
"Where is this freighter now?" asked Tarkin.
"It stopped right outside of tractor beam range, hovered for a moment, and promptly tore off in the opposite direction. It entered hyperspace a moment ago," said the officer.
"Hold off on executing the Princess. Maybe we can use her as either bait or a bargaining chip for those plans," said Tarkin. "Set course for Kuat."
The officer nodded and went to make the arrangements.
"Everything is going as planned," said Tarkin musing to himself.
Hyperspace: "So now what?" asked Han sitting in the main area.
"I have no idea. I certainly didn't see this coming," said Obi-Wan.
"Nor did I," Zoda admitted. "Yikes!"
Chewbacca barked something.
"Yeah. Sorry to cut you guys loose and run, but we've gotten more trouble on this trip then we bargained for," said Han.
"Uh, uh. No way buddy! You can't leave until we pay you and that's clearly not going to be happening any time soon. You're with us until Obi-Wan and Luke are satisfied and then you can go," said Zoda.
"I don't believe this," said Han.
"Look I have the money to pay you off. And you can't clearly cut and run because you won't be able to pay back Jabba," said Zoda.
"I almost want to take my chances with Jabba then the trouble I see myself getting into with you," said Han. "Fine! I'll go along with this plan, but I don't like it!"
"You don't have to like it! Now let's move out," said Zoda.
"We're we going?" asked Han.
"Dantooine," said Zoda simply. And with that the Falcon was gone.