This Little Piggy (The Hourlong Version Cartoon Network won't let you watch)
Prelude:
Circe sat in front of a jewel encrusted, gilded full-length mirror inspecting her reflection. Her emerald green dress revealed her shapely figure and she spun from side to side, inspecting her legs and rump. "Not bad after 2,000 years in Tarturus." She concluded.
The home in which she currently resided was situated on the northern cape of Santorini, arguably the most beautiful island in the Aegean Sea. Circe had decided to use this as her base of operations an hour after her parole from the depths of Tartarus, having last owned a palace on this very site 2,800 years before. The fact that she'd turned the homeowners into cocker spaniels upon her arrival was a mere triviality for which she had no concern.
Her only real concern was revealed in a scrying glass she conjured up moments after raiding the refrigerator. She had picked through the remnants of some pita bread and hummus then threw the remnants on the floor to her new dogs. Moments later, Circe returned to the vanity then conjured a spell to turn the scrying glass onto Hippolyta's daughter. The glass gave her a quick update of Diana's adventures in Man's World, which were fascinating in their own right as various battles were played out on the glass between Diana, her teammates and the villains of Man's World. Circe shrieked with delight as the glass revealed an increasing frequency on Diana's part to steal smoldering glances at a pointy-eared hero with whom she seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time. "My word," Circe sang with delight, "Diana's got a boyfriend. This should be fun!"
J'onn J'onnz sat silently at the command console of the Watchtower. 'Watchtower Number Two' he thought, a small furrow appearing on his brow. Despite his stoic appearance, he missed the intimacy of the old Watchtower. The new Watchtower was designed to accommodate a full regiment of superheroes and even included a non-superhuman resident engineering and support staff. While the upgraded communication, transportation and engineering systems represented a marked increase in operational efficiency, J'onn contemplated the price the League paid.
'There are precious few moments of real intimacy in the team any more' he thought wearily, watching the rush of probationary members milling about the Great Hall.
His sentimental longing for the League's original setup was interrupted a moment later as Batman's silently strode into the Monitor Room. Despite J'onn's heightened Martian senses, even he was sometimes surprised by the stealthy arrivals and departures the Bat always seemed to make.
"J'onn," Bruce nodded in greeting. J'onn waited a moment for him to say something else but as usual the Bat was as silent as possible. J'onn fought the urge to engage in a staring contest, knowing full well his chances of winning it were zero unless he put himself into a Martian trance.
"Batman, I may a mission for you." J'onn started, obliquely looking out of his peripheral vision in order to key up some informant's statements on the monitors. The men watched two video interrogations of petty criminals whispering details about Intergang's new expansion from Metropolis to Gotham, hoping that the information might gain them some leniency from the police. Both interrogations had one commonality: the mention of both Intergang and the Rosetta Stone.
Batman didn't have to ask if the information was reliable as the police in major cities across the United States weren't aware that Batman had hacked into the video systems and shared network drives in their Interrogation and Computer Rooms. It was a simple matter for him to rout feeds of the interrogations to a supercomputer in the Watchtower, which in turn sifted the video files for information relevant to the Justice League.
"Obviously Intergang will break in after the Museum is closed." Batman observed. "I'll watch the building tonight."
"I would prefer that you take some back-up." J'onn noted. "Intergang has been known to bring along some powerful weaponry during its heists. Why don't you take Supergirl along for some muscle? She could use more experience after her last mission."
"Do you want to pack her diapers and a warm bottle of milk?" Batman replied with a growl, "I don't feel like babysitting tonight."
"Fine. Take Diana then. It's not as if the two of you wouldn't be spending the evening together anyway."
"Your point?" Batman asked defensively, his eyes narrowing behind the cowl.
"Just an observation that you two seem to have an affinity for working together lately." J'onn stated impassively.
Batman stared at J'onn for a few, uncomfortable seconds, then whirled and disappeared down the hallway leading to the residential wing where Diana maintained her quarters. Lantern darted to get out of his path and J'onn silently laughed as he recalled a similar scene in Star Wars where Darth Vader intimidated all of the Stormtroopers in his path to get out of his way, lest they deal with his wrath.
Lantern walked up to J'onn a moment later. "What was that all about?"
"Bruce and Diana have another date." J'onn replied with a grin.
"Again? Do they ever go on missions without each other?" Lantern asked rhetorically. "Oh, wait. I forgot that she took Hawk and Dove along to Kasnia, but that didn't count as the rest of us were already helping clean up after Hurricane Arturo. Where are they going?"
"Surveillance to stop an Intergang museum heist."
"Perfect. She's the only one who can put up with him for an entire night. Ever since I told him his girlfriend was bossy he acts like he's about to take my head off!"
Batman knocked on the door to Diana's quarters a minute later. She opened the door a moment later holding a brush that she was running though her wet hair. She was wearing a midnight blue bathrobe that stopped mid-thigh. Her eyes lit up momentarily when she realized the identity of her guest then she quickly tried to mask her excitement at seeing him. Her eyes quickly scanned over his shoulder for other members but found the corridor empty.
"Bruce, won't you please come in?" She asked, pulling the door wider for him to gain entry. He glided through the doorway, murmuring, "Its 'Batman' on the Watchtower, Princess."
She rolled her eyes in exasperation as she closed the door behind him. "There wasn't anybody else in the hallway, Bruce." She chided as she returned to the mirror above her sink to comb out the rest of her hair. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?" she asked his reflection, "Dinner perhaps?"
"No thanks, I already ate." He replied.
Her face pursed with indignation, realizing that he'd managed to dismiss her implied offer of a date without the least hesitation. 'Men', she thought wanly.
Batman studied the room for a moment before surreptitiously stealing a glance at Diana. This was his first time in her quarters. The décor was spartan in a way yet still feminine. The one surprise were the pink fluffy bunny-slippers from which he couldn't seem to peel his gaze. He swung his gaze up her shapely legs -- 'How long does it take to shave those things' ---he wondered, before meeting her gaze in the mirror. Diana was still pulling the ivory brush through her wet hair, waiting for him to announce the reason for his visit. On the whole, Diana wore the dewy look of someone fresh from the shower better than any woman he'd ever encountered. Her familiar scent washed over him a moment later and his mind fought to free him of its intoxicating grasp. He turned his gaze back to her slippers, desperately trying to ignore the fact that the panels of her robe had pulled open as she combed out at her hair, revealing more of her generous cleavage with each flick of the comb.
"Nice." He commented dryly, cementing his gaze on the slippers.
"What?" she defended with a grin. "They're comfortable."
He hesitated for a moment, electing to nip the friendly banter in the bud before it became more intimate than he wanted. "I need your help on a surveillance tonight."
Diana's eyes widened in mock astonishment. "The Batman...Needs my help? Should I call Clark and give him an exclusive? What's next, peace in the Middle East?"
His eyes squinted behind the cowl for a moment before he whirled away from her, making strides to the door. "I knew this was a bad idea."
"Bruce, wait!" Diana started quickly, cutting off his escape route, "I'm sorry, it's just that you've never asked for my help before...you caught me off guard. How can I help?"
Five hours later they were surveilling the Gotham Natural History Museum. Diana was fidgeting for the third time that night. The first time she started to fidget he ignored her however within 15 minutes her movements became so pronounced that Batman rolled his eyes and asked the question that he knew she wanted to hear.
"What's wrong?"
"I have to pee." She replied with an embarrassed grin.
"So pee."
"There's no place to pee up here."
"There's a ventilation shaft right over there if you want some privacy."
"I don't care about the privacy!" she seethed. "I want a toilet, complete with toilet paper."
"You really are a Princess sometimes." He replied with exasperation. "I thought the Amazons were trained to be self sufficient."
"We're trained warriors, not public urinators! I want a bathroom!"
"Robin never gave me this much trouble."
"Robin's a 15 year old boy. He'd probably pee on those people down there if you gave him an excuse."
Batman let out a deep sigh then regained his control. He reached into his utility belt and extracted a standard office key stamped with 'Schlage' on the top. "Fly eight buildings north along Lexington. Directly across the street is WayneTech Industries headquarters. There's a utility shed in the south-west corner of the roof with a bathroom. The key opens the door."
"You have a private bathroom on top of your headquarters?"
"When you gotta go..." he replied with a shrug, then returned his attention to the Museum.
Diana flew off and returned three minutes later. She was holding a Cherry Coke Slurpee (Wally had introduced her to those months before) she'd purchased from the 7-11 at the corner of Atlantic and Ash two blocks over from their surveillance.
Batman watched in amazement as the Princess sucked down half of the Slurpee in two quick pulls.
"Want some?" she asked happily, wiping the drips off the corners of her mouth with her bracelets.
"No thanks."
Two hours later, (after another Slurpee-induced pee stop by Diana), Batman noticed her fidgeting again. Her sighs grew louder and louder until he felt the urge to silence her fidgeting.
"Patience Princess."
"What would Intergang want with the Rosetta stone?"
"We'll know soon enough. In the meantime..."
"I know, patience!"
Diana sat down on the parapet on the roof, resting her head on the concrete gargoyle in front of her.
"Don't you ever wish you were down there?"
"I'm down there all I need to be."
"Yes, but its just a job to you...I'm talking about going down there and having some fun. Maybe...maybe with someone special." She said huskily, attempting the role of coquette for the first time in her life. Her eyes narrowed as she considered how pointless the exercise had become. "No, no dating for The Batman. It might cut into your brooding time."
He considered her for a moment before responding with a speech that she knew he'd probably rehearsed a dozen times to make it sound just right.
"One, dating within the team always leads to disaster. Two, You're a Princess from a society of immortal warriors and I'm a rich kid with issues...lots of issues and Three, if my enemies knew I had someone special, they wouldn't rest until they'd gotten to me, through her."
Diana crushed the head of the gargoyle to dust, a pointed reminder that her strength was more than sufficient to deal with any of his foes. "Next?" she taunted, trying to determine the real reason why they couldn't date.
Bruce whipped his head back to the rear entrance of the Museum, spying a cloaked figure trying to pry open the back door. "There!" he barked, firing the grapple and gliding down the D-Cel line a moment later.
"Saved by the bell." Diana grinned, then trailed after him.
Scenes you've already seen:
Confrontation with Circe,
Batman appearing in Zatanna's dressing room.
Zatanna slipped into the passenger side of the Batmobile, cringing a little as "Diana the pig" eyed her nervously from the driver's side. "Here," Batman's voice whispered silently from behind the car. He slipped one leg into the driver's seat then lifted the "Diana Pig" into his lap, scratching her ears with his free hand as they drove away from Zatanna's theatre. The top of the car had been closed for less than a second when the acrid whiff of pig excrement hit Zatanna's nostrils.
"Oh my..." she said, gagging at the smell.
"Sorry about that. Thought I cleaned it up." He replied.
"Now I know how much you care for Diana." Zatanna replied. "Knowing that you love your car the way you do. Maybe I can help." She raised her wand to eye height and softly whispered "Llems eb enog!" so that she wouldn't disturb the Diana-pig. A spark of dazzle emerged from her wand and a moment later the odor was magically expunged form the car.
"I'll warn you, its only temporary, Bruce." Zatanna stated with a straight face. "You'll still have to scrub the car out later."
Scenes you've already seen:
Zatanna's location spell not working, Piggy Diana fleeing from the magic show
B'wana Beast's arrival and search for Piggy Diana
Bats and Zatanna's confrontation with Circe and his ballad to win Diana's return to human form.
Bats and Wondy's conversation at the Watchtower and her humming the song.
Deleted scene: The morning after Diana's return from being a pig.
Diana stood mutely in the corner of the Watchtower commissary, waiting for the right moment to approach her intended target. While she was an Amazon Princess, Diana had doubts about how best to approach Zatanna, who at the moment was quietly munching a bagel in between sips of her double expresso while reading a copy of 'The Mystic Times.'
Diana started to walk towards her then hesitated again, pretending to stir her own cup of coffee on the adjacent table. She had officially met Zatanna only once and that was during the massive initiation Superman conducted a few months before. Diana had arrived on Mykynos the previous evening, her Amazonian temper at full force in search of Circe, however only Zatanna and Bruce were in the amphitheater, quietly conversing at a table in the corner. Diana's jealousy had immediately been sparked as she realized the depth of the relationship between the two. Given the sheer sexiness of Zatanna's outfit, (Diana remembered rolling her eyes when she first spied
Zatanna in her costume), Diana wasn't sure if Zatanna represented a threat to her growing relationship with Bruce.
Sensing that she was being watched, Zatanna turned around and grew immediately flustered when she realized that Diana had stolen yet another glance her way. She turned towards the Amazon and asked, "Diana, is there something I can help you with?"
Diana flushed with embarrassment, dropping her head into her hands with a shy grin as she sat down in the adjacent chair. "Sorry to act like a psycho-stalker." Diana started. "First of all, I wanted to thank you for all of your help in dealing with Circe and also for showing me his rendition of 'Am I Blue' on your crystal ball."
"No thanks are necessary, Diana." Zatanna replied with a twinkle, "I'm sorry that you missed him sing it in person...it was very moving. Anyway, I'm just glad I got to help out the team."
"Speaking of that, you've obviously known Batman for much longer than I have and... well... I wanted to ask you some questions about him. He's been giving me some pretty mixed signals and I'm trying to figure out our next step."
"What's there to tell?" Zatanna asked rhetorically. "He's an obsessive, compulsive neurotic complete with an arrogance package the size of Texas. Plus, as Plastic Man pointed out during the initiation, he's got the social skills of a rhino with gout. Unfortunately," she finished with a grin, "those are his admirable qualities."
Relief swept over Diana's face as she sensed that she had a female co-conspirator for the first time since Shayera's resignation from the League. She scanned the room to see if any of the other League members were within earshot then she leaned in to have a discrete chat with Zatanna. "Well, it all started a year and a half ago when Batman made me realize that not all of the Men in Man's World were a waste. A sister of mine, Aresia, spread that virus..."
...and when I came to, I homed in on his locator signal on Mykonos but by then, Circe was gone. You know the rest." Diana finished her story. Zatanna shook her head once, dumbfounded at the amount of time Diana had spent with the Dark Knight during the past year, did a double take, then slurped down the rest of her expresso.
"Let's see." Zatanna started, ticking off the scorecard on her fingers as she went. "He's crashed his plane into an army for you, released you from bondage on two occasions, tried to dig you out from underneath a missile with his bare hands, danced with you THEN stalked you in your hotel room in Paris; made out with you in public as Bruce Wayne and he SANG for you?" she asked again in disbelief. "Let me put it to you another way. On FIVE, no, SIX separate occasions, he's put himself out for you, either physically or emotionally, and you're worried about whether you guys are dating or not? Princess, you might as well have a ring on your finger as far as he is concerned, because that man is in L-O-V-E, LOVE!"
Diana recoiled for a moment in amazement. "How could he be in love with me? He doesn't even want to go out on a date!"
"He took you along on the surveillance of the Museum, didn't he?"
"Yes."
"That's a date to him. That's what's in your future if you want to spend time with him."
Diana looked at Zatanna with a wry smile as she contemplated the message that her new friend was telling her. 'Hera, give me strength." She thought wanly, then gave her new friend a quick hug in gratitude.
Tim Drake was having one of the worst days he could remember since becoming Robin. As the youngest member of the team, he realized there certain tasks and chores he was automatically burdened with that Batman, Batgirl or even Nightwing had performed when they were either the sole (Batman) or junior members (Nightwing and Batgirl) of the Bat-Clan. Some tasks were straightforward, like injecting coolant into the cooling system of the Cray supercomputer once a month. Other tasks involving more grime than he would have liked, wiping the guano off the tops of the monitors for instance, but he could handle that.
In retrospect, he would have rather taken on Bane in a boxing match than perform the particular task he was faced with today; helping Batman rid the Batmobile of pig-stink.
Tim was peripherally aware that something had gone wrong the previous evening during Bruce's mission with Diana. While his comm. link wasn't tied in with the JLU's system, he had watched the evening before as Batman remotely activated the computer system in the Cave from the Batmobile in order to research Zatanna's last known location.
"Anything you need help on boss?" Tim asked over the Bat-Clan link.
"Not at the moment." Bruce replied, then hung up the link. Right before he heard the confirming click severing the open line, Tim swore that he heard the squealing of a pig.
"It must have been a big pig too, judging by the size of the stink." He muttered, wiping the passenger side seat down with a combination of lysol, oxy-clean and air-freshener.
"What did you say?" Bruce barked.
"Nothing." Tim replied, glad that they were both wearing gas-masks which effectively muffled their conversation. In addition to the masks, each of them was fully clad in a bio-containment suit but somehow the reek managed to permeate even that protected environment. Luckily, Tim had loaded a mix of Blink-182 songs into the CD player to provide some distraction from cleaning the car and he started humming along to help pass the time.
An hour later they were finished cleaning the car. They took off their containment suits, bundling all of the rags and other cleaning equipment into some hermetically sealed bags, then Tim dropped those into the incinerator two stories below. When he returned he found Bruce, wearing only in the boxer shorts and white BVD T-shirt he's been wearing under the containment suit, talking with Diana, the legendary Princess of the Amazons. 'Must have used the transporter,' Tim thought with amazement, 'I can't believe that thing works.' He crept into the shadows to watch Bruce talk with the obviously smitten Amazon.
Diana eyed Bruce's waist with a surreptitious grin. "Boxers, huh? Thought you might be a briefs kind of guy."
"No way" he defended with a grin. "Boxers are more comfortable."
Their conversation was cut short a second later when Bruce sensed the presence of his apprentice observing them from the shadows. "You can come out, Tim. She won't hurt you." Bruce called to the darkness
Diana turned towards the now visible Tim as he strode over to their position in the Cave. She smiled when she recognized him and extended her hand in greeting. Tim's hand automatically rose in response but the rest of him was fixated on the breastplate of the vision in front of him. "Hi, Tim. I'm Diana. Or do I call you Robin in the Cave?"
"Tim is fine." He mumbled, still mesmerized, unable to let go of her hand.
"What have you two been working on?" she inquired with a natural smile, which hardened a moment as she realized Tim wasn't going to let go of her hand. She finally used her free hand to pry her fingers loose and Tim's face blossomed into a bright shade of pink as he realized his faux-pas.
Normally Tim would have been loathe to start talking without getting a non-verbal nod of approval from Bruce, but as he was hypnotized by her presence, he automatically blurted out, "Just cleaning pig-poo out of the Batmobile."
Diana's eyes froze in horror at his statement and immediately Tim felt a cold shiver run down his spine. Bruce clamped a hand over his eyes and groaned in objection, but the cat was already out of the bag.
"Did I poo in your car?" she asked with horror, the air of her royal pose knocked down a notch for the first time since Bruce had known her.
"You didn't." Bruce gently returned. "The pig did."
"But...but I was the pig!" she sobbed gently, an embarrassed tear running down her eye.
"It's not a big deal...we cleaned it up already. Its as good as new." Bruce announced.
"Are you sure?" she asked, her lip still quivering with the knowledge she'd soiled his car.
"Let's take a look." Bruce suggested, putting his arm gently around her waist to lead her to the car. As they walked Bruce shot Tim a look to let him know that he'd screwed up big time, but he just shrugged and mouthed an "I'm sorry" in return.
Bruce keyed the remote opener and the hatch pulled back. The two of them leaned in to inspect the car however a wave of stench immediately assailed their nostrils. Choking, Bruce keyed the hatch to close.
He turned to her with a shrug. "I need a new Batmobile anyway. This one had a lot of miles on it."
"I'm so sorry." She said, unconsciously leaning her head into his shoulder. His arm gently moved up her back as they stared at the car. "What are you going to do with it?"
"Probably put it in a hermetically sealed enclosure in the Trophy Room and leave it there as a testament to the power of magic."
"You sang for me." She said, nuzzling her mouth over his jaw-line before migrating her mouth further down, surprising him with a firm kiss on the lips. "That was magic enough."
Forgotten in the background, Tim Drake's eyes grew larger than the saucers on which Alfred served the afternoon tea. He quietly tip-toed up the Cave to the Manor while his boss played tonsil hockey with the Princess, shaking his head in amazement.
A month laterAmazo's return to Earth was something the League had dreaded since his departure. Batman had pored through the designer notes in his spare time, trying to develop a strategy to deal with the android, but his attempts ultimately proved to be futile as too much information had been destroyed when Luthor set fire to the man's house.
The combined might of the League had finally managed to defeat the android, however the League had emerged from the battle with enough injuries that Batman feared a similar attack by a Class A Metahuman would undoubtedly put the Earth in danger.
Diana and Batman returned to the Cave in her Invisible Jet. He needed a lift back to Gotham as he'd destroyed yet another Batwing in order to protect her. During the battle, Diana had taken a number of direct hits from Amazo and was lying prone on the top of an office building, knocked out by a left hook from Amazo. Enraged, Batman guided his plane on a suicide run, ejecting at the last possible second. As his parachute brought him next to Diana's prone figure, Batman watched in satisfaction as the plane plowed into the android. The resulting explosion had been powerful enough to momentarily distract the android, providing Firestorm with an opportunity to create a shell of Prometheum alloy around the android Superman had then heaved into the sun.
Diana had allowed Batman to fly her plane so that she could rest her aching ribs. The flight to Gotham had been quiet as usual and after Batman parked the jet he turned to ease his lover from the plane.
"How are your ribs?" he asked with a touch of concern, which Diana found precious given the harsh tone he maintained while asking the question.
"Sore," she replied.
He walked her over to his computer console and parked her into the chair. She looked at him quizzically, trying to determine his intentions, and was further surprised when he removed his guantlets, placing them next to the keyboard. What was next was even more surprising as for the first time in their relationship, he ran his fingers delicately over her back, kneading the bruised muscles. He slowly moved his hands up her spine, lightly rubbing her aching ribs before concluding with a scalp massage that had her entire body tingling.
"That...feels...so...good!" she murmured as his fingertips delicately scratched their way around her temples, moving to her ears in small, concentric circles. "I promise I won't be jealous, but you've obviously done this before I take it?"
"Only once." He admitted.
"How long ago?" she asked, making sure to keep her eyes closed so that he wouldn't see the jealousy flash in her eyes.
"About a month or so." He replied, a mask of nonchalance.
"Bruce, we've been dating longer than that!" she spat indignantly, rising from her prone position on the chair. The tension in her body was palpable. "Who was she? Talia? Selina? They're going to have to answer to me!"
"Diana," he whispered gently, pushing her back down on the chair, "it was you."
"Me? You've never given me a massage!"
"Well, you were a little smaller then, but it was you." He admitted sheepishly.
A dawn of realization flooded her face as she realized he was referring to the incident when Circe had turned her into a pig. "That's not fair!"
"You didn't complain at the time." He chided gently.
"What else did you learn?" she asked, rolling her neck to the side so that he could massage the trapezius.
"That you really enjoyed sitting on my lap." He grinned, pulling her mouth to his.
THE END