Disclaimer: I don't own any aspect of Golden Sun. Or Xenia. And if either saw this story, they'd probably kill me.
Author's note: If you're the sensitive type, leave. Like, now.
If you're the type that doesn't find this funny, leave. Like, now
If you feel like flaming this story, now one made you read it, so leave. Like, now.
Otherwise, enjoy the show.
But wouldn't you like to buy some confection from our snack bar?
They're quite chocolaty and delicious.
C'mon, you all know the words!
Let's all go to the Snack bar, let's all go to the Snack bar, let's all go to the Snack bar, and buy ourselves a snack!
And now for our feature presentation.
(A/N: cracne, pronounced cr ACNE is acne of the butt crack, but is also used to identify acne of the butt in general.)
"I'm back!" Ivan said, dropping a pile of scrawny weeds at Isaac's feet.
Isaac sifted through the pile with the tip of his blade. He bent down, plucking one of the stalks between his gloved fingers, studying the plant with the utmost scrutiny. He sniffed the roots, once, twice, then angrily sent the plan earth-bound. "I swear to the gods, Ivan, we should eat you one of these days! Garret, why in the bloody FUCK haven't we eaten him yet?!" Isaac roared, shaking Ivan's shoulder furiously.
"Did he bring the firewood?" Garret mumbled, still half-asleep.
"No, he didn't! What the bloody fuck is this filth!? Where's the fucking firewood!?" exclaimed Isaac, shaking one of the plants in question in Ivan's face.
"Oh, well, I got as much firewood as I could get, and I met this old guy in the woods, and I was all like, 'Hello!' and he was all like, using, like, big words and shit. And I traded the wood for this pile of weeds," Ivan replied, scratching his ass nonchalantly.
"Well, that's a lovely story, but I'm afraid that we can't do anything with these damn weeds, save wipe our asses with them, but they'd probably just give us cracne!" Isaac bellowed.
"So what do we do with the weeds?" Garret said, standing up as he made some adjustments down south.
"First, you get your hand out of your pants. And for the love of Christ, don't smell it! Now, Ivan, you see all these plants here?" Isaac asked. Ivan nodded furiously as a huge grind crept over his features. Isaac continued. "You're going to eat all these weeds. Every fucking one. Chop chop!"
That was enough for Ivan, who promptly started shoving the vegetation into his gullet. After twenty minutes, the pile was no more, save a green stain on Ivan's face.
"Are you sure he should've eaten those? They might've been, y'know, like, poisoned or something," Garret commented.
"Do I pay you to criticize me, ass goblin?" Isaac asked, itching for a reason to kill someone. He laid his hand on the hilt of his blade, preparing to draw.
Garret looked confused. "You don't pay me at all!" he said, adjusting himself through his pants.
"THAT'S IT! None of this crap ever happened when Mia was here! We need to get her back!" Isaac declared to the group.
"She told us she wasn't coming back, remember? She joined that weird commune or whatever," Garret replied, continuing to adjust herself.
Three days previously
The group found them at a fork in the road. Both continued forward into the dusty plains, one gradually sloping left and the abruptly turning right. The shattered remains of a sign lay on the roads, making it impossible to determine which path turned where.
"Well, which way do we go?" Isaac asked.
"Where do the signs point to?" Garret asked.
"They don't say, retard. They're, like, broken and stuff," Ivan said.
"Shut up, Ivan!" Garret and Isaac said in unison, taking a moment to high-five each other.
"Well, if they're paths, they must lead somewhere. Let's just pick one and follow it," Mia suggested calmly.
"Fine, that's probably the only option anyways. All in favor of going right?" Isaac asked.
"Why don't we do a secret ballot?" Ivan asked
"SHUT UP, IVAN!" Garret and Isaac yelled in unison, high-fiving each other again.
"I pick the right," Mia said, stepping between the three.
"I say right too!" Ivan added, blowing a raspberry at Garret and Isaac.
"That means Garret and I choose left. And left we go!" Isaac said, continuing down the path.
"Wait! It was a tie, stupid!" Mia shouted.
"No it wasn't. It was a two toâ two to" Garret stuttered, counting on his fingers. "Oh yeah a two to one vote!"
"No it wasn't! Both Ivan and I voted right!" Mia retorted.
Ivan giggled. "Ok, Mia very funny. Now let's go," he said, trotting after Isaac
Mia stood firm. "It was a TIE! Can't any of you count!?" She chided the boys.
"It's the Middle Ages! Most of us can't even bloody read!" Isaac explained.
Mia looked shocked. Almost too shocked for words, but she soon launched on a massive tirade. "I was with you every step of the way! I killed monsters, helped solve puddles in those stupid dungeons, and acted as a capable member of this team!"
"Ok, that's great Mia, but seriously, we all know women can't vote," Isaac said, grinning sheepishly.
"Well, neither can you! Like you said, it's the Middles Ages! Only free male landowners can vote!" Mia shot back.
Garret and Ivan looked at Isaac questioningly. "Well, I'm a free maleâ and I did inherit my father's estate once he diedâ I guess I'm the only one who can vote here!" Isaac said, happy for himself.
"Dude, you're lucky! I wish my dad was dead" Garret said, kicking the dirt.
"That's it- I'M LEAVING! I'll find some other group that acknowledges me as a person and respects my decision! You'd better change your points of view, you three. Someday women will rise up and will be seen as equals! Then pigs like you are out of luck!" Mia shrieked, walking in the opposite direction.
"Women as equals? What's next, voting for kings?" Ivan asked.
"You know, Ivan, now that's Mia's gone, someone has to become the woman of the group until she comes back" Isaac said.
"I CAN STILL HEAR YOU! AND I'M NOT COMING BACK, GODDAMMIT!" Mia yelled over the distance.
"THAT'S NICE, SWEETY! MAYBE WHE YOU GET BACK YOU CAN MAKE US SOME DINNER!" Garret shouted back.
"Since I'm now in charge, I declare Ivan temporary group bitch until we reclaim Mia," Isaac declared, striking a pose.
"I second the motion!" Garret added.
"Not that you can vote, but your sentiment is appreciated," Isaac replied.
"Aww phooey," Ivan said, head hanging low.
"Buck up, woman!" Garret said, slapping Ivan on the back. "Now we can do more man stuff!"
"He's right! COME, COMRADES, TO THE NEAREST BROTHEL! Isaac said, taking off down the path, pursued by his two friends.
Needless to say, they couldn't find the brothel.
Our heroes trudged through mud and root, down the path weaving through the valley. Ivan hadn't spoken for at least an hour after eating the pile of roots, but now, two hours later, he couldn't shut up.
"Dude! Isaac! Dude! Isaac! Dude! Isaac! Dude! Isaac! Dude! Isaac! Dude! Isaac! Dude! Isaac! Dude!" Ivan chirped, jumping around Isaac and staring at him with his abnormally dilated pupils.
"WHAT! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, IVAN!? IT'S ALWAYS 'DUDE, HEY ISAAC, DUDE, ISAAC, LOOK HOW I CAN MAKE IT BIGGER IF I RUB IT, HEY ISAAC, DUDE'!," Isaac roared, his neck veins nigh popping.
"No, seriously, Dude. Dude Isaac- I am the walrus," Ivan replied, suddenly deciding he would live out his life as a squirrel, then changing his mind five seconds later.
"Hey Garret, you see this rock?" Ivan asked, holding a pebble up to Garret's nose.
"Yea. It's a rock," Garret replied, struggling on.
"No, man. You're just SEEING it. You don't really get it, man. But, dude, look at it," Ivan said.
"I'm looking at it. Yea. It's still a rock," Garret retorted.
"No, man! You're not getting it!" Ivan screamed. Garret did not respond, preferring to snatch the rock from Ivan and throwing it away.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Ivan screamed. Then he passed out from yelling 'no' for a whole paragraph.
"Dude, Ivan's passed out" Garret said. "We might want to like, you know, help him and stuff."
"Bloody fuck. He obviously lacks the stamina to be group bitch. How passed out is he?" Isaac asked, still walking ahead.
Garret glanced at Ivan, who was lying face down in a puddle of mud. The stream of bubbles was becoming alarmingly thin.
"I think he's pretty passed out. He's, like, drowning and stuff," Garret replied.
"Well, let's drag him to the nearest town. If he's still passed out, we can sell his organs to an apothecary, shack up at the brothel and let the powers of alchemy consume the known world as we know it, because fuck the world, I just want some god-damned poon tang," Isaac declared, grabbing Ivan's feet. Garret grabbed Ivan's arms, and away they went.
"Sweet Gods, another fifty feet and we kiss the saving the world thing goodbye and say hello to the smelly old whores!" Garret said, eyeing the town gates. "No more monsters, confusing dungeons, dealing with Mia's 'heavy flow' days, or awkward angsty soliloquies!"
"Yea, that's gonna be great!" Ivan replied, springing awake.
Isaac immediately dropped Ivan's feet, drawing his sword. "You two are witness to the fact that I, Isaac, have had enough of this futile attempt at existence and henceforth decide that killing myself is the only sensible thing to do. Now, if you'll excuse me," Isaac announced, preparing to fall on his sword.
"ISAAC, NO!" Ivan roared. "If you kill yourself, you'll go to hell and be constantly raped by the devil!"
Isaac considered this. "Well, it certainly can't be any worse than anything I've experienced in the past week," Isaac replied.
"Wait dude! If you kill yourself, you'll die a virgin!" Garret yelled.
Isaac considered this too. Eyes cast towards the sky, he slowly sheathed his sword. "I MUST LIVE!!!" He cried, shaking a contemptuous fist at The Powers That Be. "Wait, how'd you know I was a virgin?" Isaac asked, turning towards his red-headed companion.
"You don't wanna know, dude. Trust me," Garret replied, walking into town.
"That sounds pretty hot!" Ivan chirped.
"SHUT UP, BITCH!" Isaac and Garret yelled, punching Ivan into submission.
Suddenly, a trio of bandits appeared!
"Give us your gold!" They cried, brandishing their daggars.
"Can we give you Ivan instead?" Garret asked.
"No one can give away the group bitch 'cept me!" Isaac yelled, hitting Garret. "Now, answer his question," He added, turning to the thieves.
"He's your group bitch? I thought all RPG group bitches were supposed to be healer class tacit whiners, or healer class overcompensating lesbian tomboys," One thief chirped.
"NOT ANY MORE!" Called a voice. Out from the forest (which conveniently hasn't been mentioned until now, when the plot had use of one) rode a shrouded duo.
"Hey dude, it's Mia! And she's with Xenia, Warrior princess!" Garret yelled.
"That's it. This story is too fucked up for me to care anymore," Isaac said, dragging his sword as he walked away.
"You sure dude? I mean, lesbians were just incorporated into the plot" Garret said. Suddenly, he was stabbed in the back by Xenia. "Correction. ANGRY lesbians were just incorporated into the plot."
"Check it! More of those weird weeds from this morning!" Ivan, immediately stuffing his face. Unfortunately, this particular strain of narcotic weeds were 99 times more narcotic and 99 times less weeds. The net result being that Ivan would spend the rest of his life listening Strawberry Alarm Clock, and considering that Strawberry Alarm Clock doesn't exist in a storyline anywhere NEAR to the Golden Sun universe, it was obvious how stoned Ivan really was.
By the by, Mia and Xenia (who doesn't exist in a storyline anywhere NEAR to the Golden Sun universe) overthrew the rampant sex discrimination and classicism of the medieval world, establishing a utopian society where men and women were equal and you couldn't really tell who was what gender, save for sexual organs. Like fucking birds.
THE END
(Oh, and by the by the by, Isaac killed himself, like, five seconds after he walked away.
Just kidding! Believe in Jesus!
Wait, it's probably safer if you believe in something a little less confrontational. Like Taoism.)
(That's not to say I endorse Christianity, or the Catholic Church. Let's face it; dogma isn't the greatest thing that happened to faith, so you might wanna pick one o' thems Asian thinking faiths. You know, with all the incense and peppermints.)