Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion belongs to Gainax. I make no profit by writing this fiction. All ideas in this story are my own; similarities with other fictions are purely coincidental.
Author's note: I'm very delighted with the response I got from my other serious one-shot. So I guess I'll try it again and hopefully all of you will like it. (smiles)
Midnight Horizon
It was quiet.
All too quiet for the apartment that was housing the three most unlikely roommates.
Of course, the purple haired guardian and her red haired surrogate daughter were spit-spatting again. But none of what they said was audible, at least not in Shinji's heart. He didn't understand why. The dreadful feelings inside him were unbearable.
Why…why did he feel this way? He didn't want to feel this way because it was wrong. But the lump inside him was getting worse as time passed by. And it had been this way for the past few days.
Maybe because this was their last dinner together. Maybe because by midnight, one would leave…
And three would cry. Shinji was quite sure of it. Three would cry by midnight.
He hated to admit it. He didn't want to feel it again, not after what he had achieved, not after what he had gone through…but in the end, he couldn't deny…Asuka was part of his story…
Asuka was part of their story. The same story that they all would remember for the rest of their lives. And this was what made their last gathering so sad…so empty…
"Hah! Luckily we have the Baka cooking tonight, or else my farewell party would've been ruined!"
"Why you little brat! My cooking is not that awful!"
"It is god damn awful! Not even that stupid little penguin would eat it!"
"Not true! Just ask Shinji! Shinji, say something! My cooking is not as bad as she said, right?"
The thin boy just got up from the table, grabbed some juice from the fridge and sat down again without saying a word. He took a few more bites before speaking to the two girls.
"Let's not ruin the good mood, shall we?"
He finished his sentence with a smile. After hearing that, the two loggerheads sat down and all three of them ate in silence. But where was the good mood? There was no such thing at a time like this.
When you know your family is breaking up, how can there still be good mood?
Or maybe Shinji should have let them continue their quarrel, because the silence was getting thick and soon he was finding it hard to keep his eyes from getting blurred.
No…he had to be strong, it was their final moment, and he wanted to leave a positive impression on her. He wanted no tears. He wanted it all to be happy.
The three of them finished dinner and Shinji began washing the dishes. The sense of longing had not left him. He felt as if something was missing, that something was being pulled away from him. He tried to keep a hold on it, but the pull was too strong and he knew in the end he would lose it. He didn't want to let go, but what could he do? After all, he had never admitted the one secret he kept in his heart, because he wanted to be her friend, at the very least.
Although it probably wouldn't matter anymore, for the meaning of the secret he kept was no longer as significant as it had used to be.
While he was deep with his thought, a pair of hands suddenly grabbed a plate from the sink and started wiping it with the soap. Shinji was surprised; no one had ever helped him clean the dishes before.
"A-Asuka?"
"Yes?"
"Why are you helping me?"
"I've never helped you before, have I?
She smiled. It was breathtakingly beautiful. But no matter how attractive she was, Shinji could still feel something leaving him. He couldn't bring himself to smile back. He would admit he was not as strong as Asuka, but then again, maybe Asuka didn't feel anything for him at all. And maybe that was why she had wanted to go back to Germany.
"That's all right. I can handle it."
"No…let me help."
"Asuka?"
"There won't be another chance again."
"……"
"……"
Being so close to her was mind numbing. She always had the air of superiority, and that was why Shinji felt timid when he was close to her. That was why he had never admitted. But tonight, for the first time, he felt that there was a link between his heart and hers. He felt an unfamiliar urge to tell her what he had been thinking, as he knew Asuka couldn't have been more right about what she had just said.
There won't be another chance again.
With his voice shaking, Shinji opened his mouth to speak those words buried inside him for so long…
"Asuka…I…I…"
She stopped what she was doing and stared at him curiously from the side. Shinji continued to stutter…
"H-have you…I mean…have you ever wondered…how…how I feel…felt…"
"Hmm? Shinji, what are you trying to say?"
It didn't occur to the brown haired boy that his fiery roommate didn't call him a Baka. It could have been a right push from the back. To him, she was like a goddess. But his words died…just like so many times in the past. Another chance slipped…
They finished their tasks quietly and the rest of the night was spent uneventfully. Shinji and Misato helped Asuka checked her luggage for the final time. No words were exchanged apart from the usual "did you pack that yet" and "is everything ready". All were still in the apartment, but inside his heart, there was a chill wind.
What exactly was he missing? He had already found his jewel, or so he thought, but then why was he feeling this way? Was it…was it love? A romantic affection towards the girl who would be leaving tonight? No…it was most likely something else…a very special bond perhaps…
Time passed rather quickly and soon it was time for them to go to the airport.
The ride to the airport was another quiet one. There was not tension between the three passengers. And none of them wanted the ride to end. They would have liked it to remain that way as long as possible, just being close to each other. After all, though none had actually said it, they were a family.
But the breaking was unavoidable. All angels were finally eliminated. The Eva mass production series were all defeated by one pilot. She did it single-handedly, and when the news of the invasion broke to the world, Asuka finally got what she had wished.
She became famous. She became the people's champion.
And now, with her affairs in Tokyo-3 over, she was heading back to Germany. Shinji didn't like it. Misato didn't like it. But Asuka insisted that she wanted to go back to her home country. For the past few days, she had not spoken much to Shinji. And when they actually talked, the conversation was always brief and awkward.
This is the fateful day. It pains me to know you're leaving tonight.
You can take away the dear memories, but do you understand the treasure you are leaving behind?
But the inevitable must come in the end. Their car stopped in front of the airport. Misato and Shinji were helping her carry her luggage to the check in counter. They had purposely booked a midnight flight so that there wouldn't be any media paparazzi bothering her when she board the plane.
All the while they were doing the check in procedure, Shinji was casting a side glance at Asuka. He had always been intrigued by her beauty, but for some reasons she seemed to be glowing tonight. The moonlight that reflected off her perfect skin showed Shinji a side of her that he had never noticed. For the first time, he realized that behind the mask his fellow pilot put up, she could be very vulnerable on the inside. And the glistening light inside her eyes proved it.
(Is that…is that tears? Oh my god…Is that because she's leaving me? No…it can't be, she has always looked down on me. Dream on Shinji! Asuka is just sad because she is leaving Misato and me behind. She would never have any special feelings for you. She would never understand that special bond.)
(But…please Asuka…don't let the tears fall…you know I won't be able to take it…)
With the midnight bell ringing in my heart, I feel that I'm losing. It hurts.
I'm losing something which means a lot. But my words were drowned by the silence we share.
Misato finally spoke up when she couldn't handle the silence anymore. She tried to lighten the mood with her usual silly jokes. Asuka understood what she was trying to do, so she laughed along with her guardian, even though she could hardly find any humour in them. Shinji was just being quiet, but he occasionally would force a smile.
He glanced at Asuka from the side again, only to find that she was looking back at him. However, she turned her head away instantly once their eyes made contact. It had been like this all day. The two of them just tried to avoid each other as much as possible.
Soon, they reached the gateway. And this was where the final hug would be shared, and the final goodbye would be said.
"Ok little brat, I guess this is it. Have you got everything ready?"
"Yes you old hag. Yes for the millionth time!"
"Shut up! I'm just concerned about you. Have you got your passport?"
"Yes, madam."
"Your ticket?"
"Yes, madam."
"The in-flight candies Shinji prepared?"
"Yes…yes I have got everything. Now quit nagging would you?!"
Instead of snapping back at the red-head like she always did, Misato gave a warm smile. She then pulled Asuka into a big bear hug.
"I can't believe how much you've grown, Asuka. When you're in Germany, remember to call back or write me letters. Because…because I'm going to miss you."
"Misato…"
"Ok, now you go and have your private moment with Shinji. I'm sure he has a lot to say. I'll be waiting outside by the car when you finished."
The last part of that sentence was directed towards Shinji. She then turned around, gave Asuka another hug and whispered into her ears.
"Don't get lovey-dovey with him, you hear? He has a girlfriend now."
"Misato!!!"
"All right all right, I'll leave you two now. Asuka, I wish you the best of luck in the future."
With that, she walked away. But before she reached out of sight, both children could see her lifting up her hand to wipe her eyes.
Sometimes, you try not to cry, but you can't succeed. At certain times, it's all right to cry, because when your tears are shed for someone you love, then you don't have to be ashamed of it.
That was what Shinji was trying to convince himself, because he didn't know how much longer he could hold back those stinging fluid behind his eyes.
This is the fateful day. But when we reached our final moment, silence is all we said to each other.
So much could be said, but maybe there is a bridge between our hearts, and we know how each other are feeling tonight.
"So…how's everything going between you and Wondergirl?"
"We're getting along well."
"You really love her, don't you?"
"Yeah…but Misato said we couldn't get married until we reached legal age."
"Don't forget to invite me to your wedding."
Asuka flashed him a warm and sincere smile. It made Shinji blush.
"Of course, I won't forget you…"
He would surely invite Asuka to his wedding. After all the hardships they shared, he had come to regard her as a sister, and perhaps even more. But deep down, he knew Asuka's place in his heart could never be replaced. He would forever remember her, for there had been a time when she was all he ever wanted.
That statement had held true for a very long period of time, until the other girl came and voiced her feelings. It was then he understood where his heart might really belong, and maybe even Asuka's place in him could be topped. Being replaced and being topped were two very different meanings. He didn't want to hurt Rei's love, so he had told her how he had felt about Asuka. Shinji had been very grateful for Rei's understanding nature, and he wanted to reach a truth with his feelings once and for all.
The past needed to be buried, Rei had told him. Be honest with your feelings, Rei had advised him. Be happy of whatever path you choose, Rei had asked him. Sort out your feelings and talk with Asuka, Rei had encouraged him. And there were certain feelings that he felt he had to voice. Asuka had the right to know, and he wouldn't care what her answer would be. After all, she would not even be in the same city come sunrise.
(Whatever I choose to do, I will gain a jewel and lose another…but at least my soul will be freed.)
And he didn't want to regret anything.
"Asuka…there is something I've been wanting to tell you…"
"Yes? What is it?"
"I…I…"
The red haired beauty had ditched her bossy self since a few days ago. And now she was smiling warmly at Shinji. It gave Shinji hope, whether it was a false hope or not, there was only one way to find out.
"Do you remember the time when we had to synchronise?"
"Yes of course. It was…it was a nice experience…"
"Yeah…I just wanted to tell you…"
There was a long silence.
"What do you want to tell me?"
"I…I've grown attached to you I guess…"
"Yeah…me too."
"……"
"By the way, thanks for saving me from the lava."
"Oh that…yeah…you're welcome."
Right at that moment, the last call of the flight departure to Germany rang through the sound system. The robotic and emotionless voice stung both the children's heart. This was the dreaded moment. It was time to say farewell.
"So…I guess this is it. They are calling for me now."
"Asuka I lo…I…"
"What is it, Shinji?"
Her voice was so gentle. It was a totally different side of her. It was as if she was waiting for something to be said. But the words, once again, died in his mouth before he could speak them.
"I…I'm going to miss you…"
"Shinji…"
"……"
He was not going to say the words. Maybe it was not meant to be, but there was still one last thing that could be done.
"Shinji…could I…could you kiss me one more time?"
It struck him like soft thunder. Exactly how a thunder could be soft, he did not know. All he knew was his heart was brightened and a sense of warmth flowed through his body, threatening to overpower his senses. However, unlike the first time, Shinji was not afraid anymore, and maybe after this kiss, he could finally find the truth within his heart.
He took a huge gulp and slowly, he leaned towards her.
Both had their eyes closed, and this time she didn't have to pinch his nose. Their breathings were nervous, but soft and smooth at the same time. It seemed like the most natural thing to do. Closer and closer their bodies drew and the noise outside their intimate world was completely blocked.
Amidst the gentle moonlight shining from outside the window, the lips of two children met and for once, time froze as an eternal bond was made. It was wonderful, soft, soothing, gentle and beautiful all flexed into a single kiss. It was a moment of truth. Neither was willing to part, but again, the inevitable must come in the end.
Both the children's eyes were now teary, but none let the tears fall. Inside, they could feel the same regrets and sorrows.
In this very moment, we share the untold truth. What you mean to me, and what I mean to you.
But maybe it is too late. It hurts to see you leave. Can you feel the angst in my heart? Only your hand can sooth the pain I'm feeling. But would you touch it?
"Well then…I have to go now…"
"I know…"
"Thanks for the kiss, Shinji. You did well this time."
With that, she flashed him another smile as she picked up her bag and turned towards the gateway. Seeing her having her hand luggage inspected by the security officers, Shinji started thinking. He knew he had no time left. If he was going to say it, he had to say it right there and then, or regret for the rest of his life.
"Asuka!!!"
She turned around, with her soft hair swinging gracefully. Her eyes were curious, but they also betrayed rays of hope.
"Asuka…"
"Yes? Shinji?"
"…I…I…goodbye…and good luck…"
Asuka smiled again. If only he could see the massive disappointment hidden behind that beautiful smile she put on.
"Thanks, Shinji. Goodbye…till the next time we meet…"
She left…Shinji stood there with the words playing in his head over and over again…she left…and he didn't tell her…but he knew in the end, it still wouldn't make any difference. All this time, everything he thought he felt was just a wonderful illusion…an illusion that he would come to forget one day…hopefully…
I know…you have a thousand words inside your heart…but you do not want to bring yourself down to speak them…
And you know…that deep inside I'm devastated and broken to see you go…but I dare not say it…
The days of laughter; the days of teasing; the days of piloting; the days of combating; the days when they walked together along the line between life and death; the days when someone would call him Baka and made him feel at home; the days of love and glory…were now a part of their history…
When I saw you pick up your bags and leave the glorious days behind, I could only let the tears fall into my heart…
The only thing left I could do, was to wave my hands as hard as I could, and try to put on the bravest smile…
Bon voyage…from deep inside my heart, I wish you luck…
Fly along the wind, live and be free…
Watching Asuka disappear from sight would go down as one of the most painful memories of Shinji. He felt dejected. For some reasons, the tears had dried away. The sadness and longing he felt were now replaced by a terrible emptiness. Slowly, with his heart aching, he walked back to Misato's car.
Shinji knew that somewhere in Tokyo-3, a certain blue haired girl would probably be flipping around on her bed, unable to go to sleep and afraid of what Shinji would decide in the end. He brought up a sad smile to his lips. He loved her very much. But the truth could not be denied. Shinji had lost something which meant a lot to him, and now the void could never be replaced.
When he reached Misato, she signalled for him to enter the car. He followed her instructions without saying a single word, but the expression on his face told Misato everything about how he felt deep inside. She started the engine and the car moved.
Shinji was still drowning himself in regrets and sorrows. His mind kept reminding him what could have been. But now he would never find out what would have happened had he said those words. He had been so sure that he was ready. That instant she walked away, he had been so confident that he would finally say what he had been feeling ever since he met her. But the words died and it was his fault.
But his fault was a right one. Had he said the words, it would hurt all three of them. Rei…Asuka…and himself. Asuka meant as much to him as Rei did, but maybe deep inside there was a slight preference of one over the other. But exactly who it was, Shinji could never know.
He snapped out of his thoughts when he realised that instead of going back to the apartment, Misato had brought him to a large field at the foot of a small hill.
"What are we doing here?"
"Don't ask. Just come with me, and I'll show you."
Shinji didn't have the mood to argue. Reluctantly, he followed his guardian out of the car and up the small hill. It was an easy climb, and when they reached the top, Shinji understood why Misato had brought him here.
He could see thousands and thousands of stars sparkling in the sea of black up in the cloudless sky. They were…simply gorgeous…magnificent…
"Don't you want to see Asuka take off?"
"I don't know…but why?"
"We can see her plane fly across the sky from here. I thought it would be nice."
"It's…it's only going to bring more tears…"
"Shinji…can you see the stars?"
"What about them?"
"Tonight is a beautiful night. Sometimes, you just have to let things go. I know how you feel, because I felt the same way before. Certain things cannot be changed, Shinji."
"What do you mean?"
"Sometimes, fate could be playing a cruel joke on you. It played a cruel joke on me before. And that's when I learnt that, lovers do not end up as couples all the time. Sometimes, you have to accept that love can be star-crossed. When it happens, you just have to swallow the pill. But remember, star-crossed lovers is still a beautiful name."
"What's the point of it being beautiful?"
"Because even though she may no longer be around, the memories still live in you…"
"The…the memories…?"
"Yes…treasure the beautiful memories you have with her…let it live…and be happy…"
It wasn't long before they saw the plane fly across the midnight sky, across the many stars, with each of them representing a piece of memory they share…sparkling and will never be forgotten…
When you board the plane and walked your lonely journey, remember that a piece of my soul would always belong to you…
But right now, the only thing I could do, is to wish you luck from the deepest within my heart…
My dearest friend, fly along the wind, live and be free…
Not long afterwards, at a place where the wind blows and the sea roars…
The plane carrying the famous Second Child cruised across the dark sky above the Pacific Ocean. She was enjoying watching the in-flight movies and couldn't wait to arrive in Germany where she would be given a hero's welcome by her fellow countrymen.
"Miss? Miss?"
"Hmm? What is it?"
"Excuse me, Miss. But would you like some ice cream?"
"Oh thanks!"
She received the cold chocolate dessert from the air hostess and start licking it, savouring the brilliant taste. Maybe she was hungry, or maybe she was in good mood. She finished it rather quickly, but she felt she needed more. She didn't know why. Asuka just felt that her mouth was itching and if she didn't eat more, she would go crazy. Too lazy and too shy to ask for another ice cream, she reminded herself that she had packed a bag full of candy and brought it along with her.
Well…actually it was Shinji who packed it, but who cares right?
So she picked up her bag and zipped it open. True enough, there were all sorts of sweets and snacks wrapped in colourful papers. Asuka digged her hand in and grabbed some of her favourite ones out. As she put them in her mouth and taste the sweetness, something familiar came back to haunt her.
These were the candies he prepared for her…he had always been so thoughtful…so sweet…
Subconsciously, her hand digged in again and caressed the candies…Was she missing the little idiot already? No, it couldn't be. She had a lot to look forward to in Germany! But her heart skipped a beat when her hand felt something flat and smooth in the bag. She grabbed it and pulled it out. It was an envelope.
(What…what could it be…it wouldn't be…it couldn't be from him…could it?)
There was a mixed feeling in her heart. Anxious, nervous, curious, fear, hope, regret, joy all blend into a powerful emotion and nailed itself in her soul. With her hands slightly shaking, she tore open the envelope to reveal a letter written in a familiar, and yet so delicate hand writings…
Dear Asuka,
When you read this, I'm sure you're already on the plane. Exactly how you are feeling, I do not know. I am not sure myself, because I still wonder if I would have the guts to tell you how I feel in the end. There are too many chances that I've missed. Whenever I see you, the words just got stuck and couldn't come out. And finally I have come to realise that the only way I could tell you is by writing.
I'm sorry Asuka, but I think I love you. It has always been true right from the start. There is just something in you that make me feel. And I want to be a part of your life. But I was scared, as I always am. I'm scared of losing what I already have, afraid that we would cease to be even friends if I admitted my feelings. I was too worried of rejection, and now I fear I have also let our final chance slip, for I do not believe I had told you of my affection back in the airport, had I?
No, I didn't think so. I just want you to know that even though you and I may be half a world apart, a piece of my heart still belongs to you. It doesn't matter what comes in the future, your place in my heart would never be replaced. I guess the void you left me would always be there.
At last, I guess we're not meant to be, eh? You probably would be fuming and shouting Bakas at me now, wouldn't you? Haha…But to be honest Asuka, I will miss you calling me Baka. I really really will. Right now, I can only wish you best of luck in the future, and hope that you will not forget the wonderful time that we shared.
Yours truly,
Shinji
Asuka read it again…and again…and again…until the old lady sitting beside her, and the man sitting in front of her, and the boy sitting at the back, all turned to look at her curiously.
She sobbed uncontrollably. Although she never admitted, she did have some feelings deep inside which she would only feel for a special boy. The letter had hammered her heart into pieces, and with each pieces carried a shattered hope. Her tears fell, but she was not ashamed anymore. She only felt regrets.
If only she had put down her pride and confessed her feelings.
If only she had been willing to risk being humiliated and told him how she felt.
If only she had one more chance to start it all over again.
But now it was too late, she won the glory, but lost her most precious jewel…
And so she cried…
Sometimes, you try not to cry, but you can't succeed. At certain times, it's all right to cry, because when your tears are shed for someone you love, then you don't have to be ashamed of it.
And Asuka was not alone, for sometime ago, somewhere in the corner of this world, someone had cried for the same reason.
Misato had embraced him and rubbed his back gently, trying to ease the pain he felt inside. It wasn't long before he stopped crying and spoke his true words at last.
"Misato…I guess I understand now…"
"What?"
"Love…as long as her place in my heart remains, as long as the memories we shared continue to live…then there is no regrets…"
"Shinji…are you sure of what you just said?"
"Yes…Asuka and Rei…and you too, mean a lot to me, more than I can ever imagine."
"I'm glad to hear that, Shinji."
"But I think I know who means the most."
"It's probably not me, is it? Haha…"
"You're like a mother to me, Misato, just like how Asuka is like a sister to me."
"Shinji?"
"Rei put me ahead of herself all the time, and she is willing to put herself down so that I can be happy. But Asuka had always put me down and bullied me, and I guess my relationship with Asuka could be described as a bond between siblings."
"Shinji, I'm happy for you, but I hope you're being honest with yourself."
The brown haired boy wiped off the tears on his face and put on the most sincere smile his guardian had ever seen.
"I didn't make a choice, Misato. Fate made the choice for me. And I feel blessed of the choice it made, for it couldn't have been any better."
His hand reached for his neck and grabbed the pendant he wore. Inside the pendant was a picture which showed Rei, Asuka, Misato and himself, all smiling brilliantly. Shinji's lips curved upwards as a stray tear rolled down his cheek.
My lover, my sister, my mother…I love you all…and thanks for what you've given me…
Misato wrapped her arm around him and together they stared into the midnight horizon.
This is the fateful day. It pains me to know you're leaving tonight.
You can take away the dear memories, but do you understand the treasure you are leaving behind?
With the midnight bell ringing in my heart, I feel that I'm losing. It hurts.
I'm losing something which means a lot. But my words were drowned by the silence we share.
This is the fateful day. But when we reached our final moment, silence is all we said to each other.
So much could be said, but maybe there is a bridge between our hearts, and we know how each other are feeling tonight.
In this very moment, we share the untold truth. What you mean to me, and what I mean to you.
But maybe it is too late. It hurts to see you leave. Can you feel the angst in my heart? Only your hand can sooth the pain I'm feeling. But would you touch it?
I know…you have a thousand words inside your heart…but you do not want to bring yourself down to speak them…
And you know…that deep inside I'm devastated and broken to see you go…but I dare not say it…
When I saw you pick up your bags and leave the glorious days behind, I could only let the tears fall into my heart…
The only thing left I could do, was to wave my hands as hard as I could, and try to put on the bravest smile…
Bon voyage…from deep inside my heart, I wish you luck…
Fly along the wind, live and be free…
When you board the plane and walked your lonely journey, remember that a piece of my soul would always belong to you…
But right now, the only thing I could do, is to wish you luck from the deepest within my heart…
My dearest friend, fly along the wind, live and be free…
Author's note: This story is inspired by a lovely song. Shinji's decision came right at the very end. I honestly didn't have any preference in mind when I wrote it. Well, once again, I hope all of you like it as much as I do. Till next time!
Special thanks to Optimus Magnus for pre-reading. (smiles)
Kindly review please.