Buffy could handle Faith's outbursts without much trouble. After so many years, she knew when to push back and when to let Faith's anger run its course. In fact, Faith's no-nonsense attitude was comforting. Buffy never had to guess what Faith was thinking, never had to play the games she had with others. Their fights were like their lovemaking - loud and explosive, leaving them worn out and wanting nothing more than each other's embrace.
Faith was so alive, vibrant and beautiful in a way that Buffy felt she never was. She never would have thought Faith would be the strong one in the relationship, but she was.
It was when Faith got quiet that Buffy got nervous. There were times when the memories became too much for her to avoid any more and Faith would withdraw into herself. Around the others, Faith could play the part, but there was a stillness about her that was not natural.
Faith would always come out of it eventually, returning to her normal self after a couple of days. But until then, when they were alone in their room, she would become so quieter. She only responded if Buffy asked a question, only moved when she had to. It left Buffy feeling out of place. She never had liked being the strong one.
That night, another of the girls had died. A group of vampires attacked during patrol and they couldn't get to her in time. Faith had gotten the girl's blood all over as she struggled to safe her, her hands and shirt sticky and dark. As Buffy later washed the blood of Faith in their shower, she knew that it wouldn't be long before Faith retreated from her again. The blood on her hands, the girl's cries as she died, the determination on Faith's face as she fought the vamp that killed the girl – from experience, Buffy knew it would only lead to Faith withdrawing into her own world.
As she knew she would, Buffy walked out of the bathroom to find Faith sitting on the bed, staring in front of her. She could only imagine the memories that were playing in Faith's mind right now.
"Do you want bed?" she asked softly.
A blank look greeted her. "Faith? Do you want to go to sleep?"
"Okay." The meekness in her voice made Buffy want to shake her, tell her to wake up and be i herself /i again. But she couldn't. She had to be the strong one.
Faith laid on her right side on the bed, waiting for Buffy to turn off the lights and climb in bed with her. Buffy did as she was expected, mechanically turning the knob on the lamp by their bed and laying stiffly next to Faith.
It was torture laying there, wanting to help and knowing that nothing she could do would touch Faith now. Words wouldn't help; they would only make Faith think more about things Buffy wished she could wash from her past. She usually shied away from physical contact, making Buffy feel unwanted and even more helpless.
Nothing would help, but like always, she had to try any way she could. Ignoring the voice in her head telling her that she was only doing this to make herself feel better, Buffy shifted to her right until she was facing Faith's back. Buffy ran her fingers through Faith's dark hair, gently pulling it up and to the side so her neck was bare. Faith tensed as Buffy's left hand gently slid over her bare shoulder but slowly relaxed as it reached the small of her back, drawing soothing circles there.
Buffy slid closer, resting her head against the back of Faith's shoulder. "I know there's nothing I can do or say to make things right," she murmured as she kissed Faith's skin. "But let me hold you tonight, please."
Faith didn't pull away when Buffy's hand ghosted over her hips to rest on her stomach, or when Buffy pulled her body flush with her own. Eventually, she felt Faith's body loosen and her breath deepen in sleep, but Buffy stayed awake until daybreak, vigilant against the nightmares that so often plagued Faith's sleep.