I guess I need a disclaimer. Well, this is it : I don't own anything, especially not Yu-Gi-Oh! Even my grip on my own sanity is questionable.
The premise - Dinner at the Kaibas with some unexpected action. Established S/J. One-shot. Hopefully funny. Let me know what you think.
Bedroom Acoustics
Mokuba stopped his pacing in the living room when he heard the gate intercom buzzing.
"Jou, it's us! Let us in!"
"Yeah! It's cold out here!"
"Shut up, Honda. And get your elbow out of my face!"
Mokuba could make out the beginnings of a scuffle, and hurried to press the button that opened the gate electronically. Less than a minute later, the group stormed up the front walkway and rang the doorbell. Mokuba walked to the front door, opened it, and promptly returned to the living room - peering briefly up the stairs that went from the foyer to the upstairs floors - so he could pace some more.
"Hi, Mokuba!" Yugi said cheerily, echoed by a sulky looking Anzu. Bakura waved half-heartedly and collapsed on the couch, while Honda went right up to Mokuba.
"Snazzy new intercom system. When'd you guys put that in?"
Mokuba stopped pacing and looked at Honda as though he couldn't for the life of him figure out why he'd be interested in that. "Last Tuesday. Why?"
"I dunno. I was just asking."
"Well, why don't you just shut up? We've had enough of your stupidity this evening. Poor Bakura," she cooed, and went to sit next to him.
"Jeez, I said I was sorry about slapping him in the head!" He didn't really look very sorry, but Bakura still managed a weak "It's okay," before Anzu clutched said injured head roughly to her bosom and began to gently stroke it. Mokuba could see Bakura's wild eyes darting around every time Anzu's hand moved.
"No! Don't accept his apology! He doesn't look very sorry!"
"Of course I'm sorry. I was aiming for you, you cow!"
Anzu gasped, and briefly released Bakura's head. Bakura then took the opportunity to scoot as far away from Anzu as possible, and ended up fetched up against the arm of the couch. Anzu and Honda were glaring daggers at each other again, and he did not want to be caught in the middle of that. Again.
It was at this point that Yugi stepped forward to mediate the impending dispute.
"Okay," he said in a very calming voice, grabbing Honda's arm and leading him to a chair very far away from the couch where Bakura sat looking wounded and Anzu perched lightly, ready to pounce. Yugi could feel Honda making gestures behind his back, but he didn't want to know what they were. Anzu was growling, and that was never a good sign. Ever since Jou moved into the Kaiba mansion, Anzu had had to find a new sparring partner, and Honda didn't seem to mind filling in the position, even though it often caused him bodily harm.
When Honda was safely seated, Yugi walked back to the couch, and sat between Anzu and Bakura, who appeared to have zoned out. Yugi was vaguely worried, but decided that he'd cross over in to full-fledged concern when, and only when, Bakura either started to talk to himself, fainted, or had an epileptic fit. Or all three. He tore his eyes away from Bakura, and patted Anzu on the lap a couple of times, quickly withdrawing his hand lest she capture it in an overly friendly grip.
"So, Mokuba," he said, watching the teen pace back and froth in front of them, "I thought we were going out tonight. How come dinner's at the mansion now?" He felt like he was watching a tennis match, his head panning first left, then right, following Mokuba's steps.
"Jou told me to call and cancel," he said distractedly.
"Why? And why didn't he call?" Yugi looked suitably confused.
"He said it was some kind of emergency," Mokuba said, tripping slightly over a table leg. He glared at the offending piece of furniture, and continued pacing.
"An emergency? What happened?" Honda was alert at once. Was Jou hurt? Was someone trying to get him? Did he have nothing to wear? The first two were legitimate emergencies. He was not sure how he'd react if it were the last one.
"I dunno. He wouldn't say. He made me call Seto for him." All eyes were on Mokuba as he swerved widely around the coffee table and into a chair. He obviously was no longer watching where he was going.
"Maybe you'd better sit down, Mokuba," Yugi offered gently. Since he was already draped over that chair he'd walked into, Mokuba decided to sit there. He righted himself and stared distractedly out at the people in front of him.
"I'm getting kinda worried now," Mokuba said, looking adequately concerned to justify his statement. "This is the fifth 'emergency' he's had in the past two weeks. And he won't tell me what's wrong. He just makes me call Seto for him."
"So Kaiba knows what's wrong?" Yugi asked slowly, trying to piece together this mystery in his head. He was good at puzzles.
"Yeah, but he won't tell me either. He just gets really annoyed when I ask. He also told me not to call him when Jou says, but he always sounds so pained, I can't help it."
"Pained? Pained how?" Honda asked.
"I dunno. He's always rushing up the stairs and yelling from the bedroom. 'Call your brother, I'm dying!' You know, stuff like that."
Honda was impressed. Mokuba did an excellent impression of Jou when he was pained. Honda would know, having inflicted pain on Jou many times before.
"Well, what does Kaiba do when he comes home?" Yugi asked, hell bent on figuring out Jou's mystery emergencies.
"He runs upstairs, and then he comes back down after about half an hour. Then he goes back to work. Or wherever he was before he came home." Mokuba frowned a little. "And then after that, Jou's fine again. I dunno what's wrong. Seems kinda weird, actually, now that I really think about it." His frown deepened.
"Is he here now?" Anzu asked. She only looked mildly concerned, though. She personally thought it was a good thing if Jou experienced a little pain every now and again.
"Yeah. He got here about ten minutes ago."
"And they're both upstairs?" Yugi asked.
"Yup."
Yugi didn't have time to affect his pensive face before Bakura, who had been very quiet before then, spoke up.
"You know," he said, still slouched over, "I think I know what's going on."
As he opened his mouth to continue, Anzu interrupted him. "It's okay, Bakura. You've been hit in the head this evening, I'm not sure you're thinking straight."
"I said I was sorry!" said an exasperated Honda, throwing his hands up in the air. Bakura made a face that could only be interpreted as indignant, and then muttered, 'Fine, then,' under his breath.
"Look, why don't we just call them downstairs and ask them what's up?" Honda asked sensibly. "We can use the new intercom! Lemme push the button!" Honda appeared excited at the prospect. Mokuba shrugged his permission.
"What is it with you and shiny buttons?" Anzu asked disgustedly. "You're always breaking things that way, and then trying to fix them. Don't think I've forgotten my last cell phone!" Honda was just about to explain to her a man's right to tinker, when Bakura piped up again.
"You guys, really. Let's wait for them to come down; I'm sure there's a really good explanation for-"
"Are you okay Bakura? You're looking a bit...piqued," Yugi noted.
"I am not piqued! I am fine!" Bakura was taking their reluctance to heed his advice personally. He pouted. His head was throbbing a bit, though.
"If there's something going on with Jou, I think we should know about it. I mean, he's our friend, and friends are suppo-"
"Okay! I'll go push the button, then!" Honda exclaimed, eager to cut Anzu off before she got in to yet another friendship speech. She looked a bit ruffled, but did not protest.
"Yeah, get them down here. I wanna know what's wrong with the dope now," she said.
"Hey! What happened to friends?" Honda asked.
"You know what I mean," she replied. "Yugi?"
Yugi looked over at Bakura, who was muttering to himself under his breath, and then looked at Mokuba, who was looking very thoughtful. "Umm, sure. I'm sure it's not that bad anyways, whatever it is." He had a funny feeling about whatever it was, but didn't really see any reason to begrudge Honda some button-pushing fun.
"Cool," Honda said, and then bounded over to the array of buttons on the living room wall. He wiggled his fingers around in front of him as he looked for the right button.
"It's the one marked 'Master Bedroom', Honda," Mokuba called out absently.
"Right!" Honda intoned, and stabbed at the wall. "Hello?" he spoke in to the wall. Anzu rolled her eyes and Mokuba shook his head. Yugi smiled cheerily. There was no answer, and Honda looked back at them, shrugging.
"Well, try again," Anzu suggested.
"Jou, are you up there?" Honda asked, again holding down the button. "Nope, nothing. Maybe we should-"
"Hello? I'm sure I heard something just now..." Jou's disembodied voice filled the living room. He sounded rather breathless. Honda immediately stabbed the button again.
"Jou?" he said, just as Mokuba said, "No! You have to wait for him to let go!"
"What?" Honda asked, still holding down the button.
"Let go, Honda!" Mokuba looked a tad frustrated.
"Oh!" said Honda, just as sparks erupted from the intercom, singeing his finger. "Crap!" he exclaimed, backing away.
"Oh man! Seto's gonna kill me! He told me never to let you play with his stuff!" Honda looked offended, Anzu was amused, and Yugi was torn between concern and laughter. Bakura looked thoroughly disinterested in the entire affair. He was just about to convince them to leave well enough alone, when Seto's annoyed voice rumbled through the room.
"Could we hurry this up, please? We have reservations at the Golden Koi tonight."
"No, I made Mokuba cancel. They're coming here instead."
An irritated sigh. "Then they'll be here any minute. Either way, let's just get this done quickly."
Those in the living room looked at each other confusedly. Well, Honda looked more guilty than confused as he continued poking the button, hoping it would shut off, and Bakura's glare from the bottom of the couch clearly said 'I told you so.'
"Maybe his hand is still on it," Mokuba volunteered uncertainly. The others looked as unconvinced as he sounded.
"-just relax? You're always in such a hurry." Jou finished saying. He sounded slightly hurt.
"Well, time is money," Seto said blandly.
"So you want me to pay you? Like a common prostitute?" Jou sounded amused. There was no response.
Those listening downstairs were slowly forming their own conclusions about what was going on upstairs, and all their ideas were pretty much similar.
"Let's do it here," Jou said. Mokuba's eyes widened.
"On the wall? I think it would go better on the bed." Seto did not sound impressed with Jou's suggestion.
"It's different – it might be good."
"I don't want different, I want to get this over with." It sounded as though he were talking through gritted teeth.
"Come on, it might be quicker. Come on!"
"No, don't come on! Back away from the wall!" a terrified Mokuba exclaimed. He ran up to the intercom. "Don't do it!" he yelled. He looked back at the others when there was no response. "They can't hear us!" He again faced the intercom in terror.
"Ugh. Fine." Seto's aggravated voice said.
"Oh God, no," breathed Mokuba. He then ran from the room. The others mostly seemed as traumatised as he was. They were all shocked, but transfixed, as if watching some horrible accident. Or, in this case, hearing. Honda was staring at the intercom in disgust, Yugi's smile was seriously cracking, and Anzu...well, Anzu wasn't looking traumatised so much as very interested. Bakura was just staring at a spot on the wall directly opposite him.
There was a rustling to be heard over the intercom, and then Jou asked if he should take his clothes off.
"No."
"Just my pants, then?"
"I said no. I'll be done in a minute." Seto sounded very business like, and the dejection shone on Anzu's face.
"Lift my leg up higher," Jou grunted.
"Shut up. I know what I'm doing."
There was much more rustling, and then the pair began to breathe very hard.
"To the left," Jou ground out. "The left!" Then a deep sigh. And more rustling. And then more instructions.
"Harder!"
"Faster!"
"Right there!"
"Slap it!"
At that, the rustling stopped, and Seto panted, "I am not slapping anything. And would you please stop yelling? Why the hell do you have to be so loud?"
"Why do you have to be so good?"
Jou's tone was entirely too flirtatious for the disturbed parties downstairs in the living room. Mokuba - who had run from the living room to the kitchen and the downstairs bedroom and the drawing room, and then back again after discovering that the voices were broadcast in every room – shuddered violently.
Honda was pretending not to notice the noise and flipped desperately through magazine after magazine, entirely too fast to be convincing. Yugi's smile had completely faded, and he was sitting back against the couch expressionlessly. Bakura raised his eyes heavenward every now and again, as if to ask 'Why me, God?' but for the most part, he remained quite unaffected.
Anzu had sunk in to her end of the couch, and was looking rather flushed. She had been avidly listening, and was finding it hard to breathe. She fanned herself with her hand a little.
"Umm, is there a volume knob on that thing?" she asked weakly.
"Yes! There's a mute button! Why didn't I think of that?!" Mokuba rushed to the intercom and poked furiously at a button, ignoring Anzu's disappointed expression. She had not meant to turn it off at all. "Why won't it stop?!" Mokuba all but yelled, pounding on the wall.
"It's okay, little guy," Honda soothed, having to pull Mokuba away from the wall and sit him down. Honda returned to his own seat, determined to ignore the sounds leaking from the walls.
"Don't they know what they're doing to me? I am scarred for life! Scarred!"
The sound of heavy breathing and Jou's moaning and grunting washed over them, and Yugi couldn't help but wonder what time dinner was. This had been going on for at least ten minutes, and it showed no signs of stopping soon. He didn't think he could ask anyone though, because Mokuba looked ready to murder someone, Honda was living in his own magazine world, he didn't want to get anywhere near Anzu right now, and Bakura had clearly left them all a long time ago. He instead wondered to himself.
"Oh yeah, that's good. Higher. To the right. More. More," Jou commanded.
"No. You know for a fact you don't bend that way, Katsuya." Seto was sounding rather tired of all Jou's directing.
"I'm telling you it'll work! Do it! Yeah...OW!"
There was an audible crack followed by a string of curses, and everyone downstairs winced.
"Oh God, I think I broke my-"
"Now will you just let me do this? Katsuya, I think what you said before about the prostitute was right."
"What?" Jou sounded suitably distracted. "You want me to get a prostitute?"
"No. I mean that you should really let a professional take care of this. I can't just drop everything I'm doing to run home and pull your insert a pained sounding gasp from Jou here for a half an hour every day. I'm serious – you need professional help. You're insatiable, and I can't keep doing this."
"I thought you liked it – God knows I do. Besides, no one does it like you it."
"Thank you for the compliment. And I don't mind it on occasion. But you want it all the time lately, and I have other things to do. Anyway, you're obviously the one having all the fun here. I do all the work."
"It's hardly fun when – oh my. That was nice...we have to try that again sometime when-"
"Focus, Katsuya!" There was the sound of snapping fingers.
"Alright! I think we're almost done here." He sounded almost disappointed. Anzu surely looked it.
"Very good. Tell me when."
There was at least another two minutes of loud grunting and panting and rustling, and then Jou told Seto that it was okay to stop.
"Finally. We need a bath and a change of clothes. They should be here already." Then there was a pause, in which Jou moaned his agreement. "Thank God these walls are soundproof. I can only imagine what would happen if anyone heard all that noise you were making."
"Oh come on, I wasn't that loud. I can't help it, anyways."
There was another pause, in which there was the unmistakeable resounding smack of kissing. Mokuba all but retched; Honda just stared harder at a page he had been staring at for two full minutes already; Yugi was happy it was finally dinnertime, and Anzu looked dazed and glassy eyed. Yugi did not know what would have happened to him if she had been holding his hand. He decided not to think about it too much, or he would not be able to eat much. Bakura sniffed noncommittally, and gingerly patted the side of his head where Honda had slapped him.
"I said I was sorry!" Honda bellowed from across the room.
The sound of conversation floated further and further away as the couple upstairs approached the bathroom, and Mokuba felt as though he could finally breathe normally again. He thanked every god he'd ever heard of that it was over.
"Okay," Yugi said cheerfully. "Dinner time!"
Honda and Mokuba looked at him disparagingly. Their eyes met, and they mentally agreed that he'd psychologically tripped in the last fifteen minutes.
"Anyway," Honda said, eyes moving away from Yugi, "I don't think we should tell them we heard them – you know."
"Why not? I wanna let them know that they scarred me!" Mokuba said angrily.
"Right. For life," Honda said. "I just think it would be better for all parties involved if they didn't find out that we'd heard them. That's all."
"Is this because you broke the intercom?" Mokuba asked heatedly.
"Yes. This is because I broke the intercom."
There was a pause in which Mokuba seethed (with anger), Yugi wondered what they were having for dinner, Anzu regained her composure and Bakura seemed to rouse himself slightly.
"Well, that, and it would just be freaking uncomfortable to talk about it," Honda hastened to add.
"Agreed," said Yugi. "And we will never, ever talk about this. Never," he finished darkly.
The others looked at him as he frowned deeply, glaring at some invisible monster in front of him. Honda cleared his throat.
"So? Are we all agreed, Anzu?"
Anzu nodded reluctantly, and Bakura rankled because no one had asked him if he agreed with anything. "Listen! They were just-"he started, intent on finishing one sentence before the evening was over.
"I know what they were just! They were defiling my innocence! They have peed on my childhood, and it has shrivelled and died! Died!" Mokuba's eyes glinted in a way that was altogether scary.
"Oh, come on Mokuba, you must have known about the birds and the bees!" Honda said, disturbed by Mokuba's outburst, and his choice of imagery.
"To know is one thing. I mean, I'm not stupid. I know they must have been having sex. But I didn't need to hear it!" Mokuba almost gagged again, and again he thanked every god he'd ever heard of, this time because he didn't see anything. If he had seen anything, he suspected he would have had to poke his own eyes out. With some kind of pointy instrument, perhaps his chopsticks.
"Yeah. Who knew Jou was so bossy?" Honda asked. "And who knew Kaiba had a stamina problem?"
"My brother does not have a stamina problem!" Mokuba countered hotly. "He can go all night!"
"How would you know that?" Honda asked, bewildered, just as Anzu asked, very interestedly, "He can?"
"I – I don't know," Mokuba said, obviously distressed. "It's just a reflex action to deny all his shortcomings. Oh God..." He put his head in his hands.
"Shh!" said Honda suddenly. "I think I hear them coming. Are we all agreed?" Everyone except Bakura nodded as the sound of faint conversation and a door opening and closing echoed through the room.
"Good. Hey, what are we having for dinner?" Yugi finally felt it was the right time to ask this type of question.
"I don't know. Everything's cold now." Mokuba looked rather despondent.
"Well, shouldn't you, I don't know, warm something up?" Yugi asked hopefully.
"I am not warming anything up!" Mokuba said angrily.
"That's fine," said Anzu airily. "Can I get some cold water or something?"
Mokuba was just about to tell her where she could get some cold water and what she could do with it once she had it, when they heard footsteps descending the stairs.
"Now everyone act natural!" Honda hissed, as he crossed his legs and focused on the upside-down magazine in his hands. Mokuba glared angrily at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for the pair to make their appearance. Anzu also looked at the bottom of the stairs, but she seemed more eager than upset. Yugi fixed a smile on his face and stared at the coffee table.
"Why is it when someone says act natural, everyone ends up looking like complete retards?" Bakura mused out loud, now looking like he had jelly for bones, slumped on the arm of the couch. He was immediately smacked in the head with a magazine that had flown across the room at him. Honda didn't even have a chance to say he was sorry before the couple appeared at the foot of the stairs.
They hadn't noticed the others in the living room yet, and Jou had his back slightly turned to them. He said something that they couldn't hear to Seto, who rolled his eyes and shook his head humourlessly, and Jou nudged him with his shoulder.
"Stop your dirty talk!" Mokuba said hysterically. Both heads swivelled around to the living room.
"Dirty talk? What do you mean, Mokuba?" Jou asked, stepping away from Seto slightly. He was very confused, as he had just told Seto a very funny joke (although Seto didn't seem to think so) about a man, an onion and a pair of roller skates. He also wondered why everyone was looking so weird. Anzu was looking rather excited, Honda was avoiding his eyes, Yugi was smiling a little too brightly, and Mokuba was glowering at them for all he was worth. Bakura was slouched over the far arm of the couch and was flipping nonchalantly through a magazine.
"Uh, hi guys," he said uncertainly, looking back at Seto briefly. "Is everything okay?"
"Yes! Why wouldn't it be?" Yugi asked a little too cheerfully.
"Yes, why?" asked Mokuba accusingly.
"I'm sorry about cancelling our reservations – I had something to take care of," Jou continued, raising an eyebrow at Mokuba, who looked very upset. Mokuba had noticed that Jou was limping a little.
"That's okay, buddy!" Honda said in Jou's general direction, just as Anzu said, "I bet you did."
"Umm, can we eat?" Yugi asked smilingly.
"Sure. Why not," Jou said, peering closely at Bakura.
"Hey, Bakura, you don't look so hot," he said concernedly.
At this, Bakura cracked.
"Look, just because a guy gets hit in the head a couple of times every week, it does not mean that he is somehow mentally deficient, okay? I am fine, thanyouverymuch! And I would appreciate if you would all stop – picking – on - me!" his voice became shrill near the end of his rant, and when he was done, he closed the magazine he was still holding and neatly set it on the coffee table. He brushed his somewhat untidy white hair from his face, stopping when he noticed the others watching him.
"I thought we were having dinner," he snapped testily. The others mumbled their apologies (except Seto – he didn't apologise to crazy people; or anyone, for that matter) and all moved off at once toward the dining room.
In the mad rush to the dining room, Mokuba ended up behind Jou and Seto. He felt queasy as Seto put his hand to the small of Jou's back, guiding him along. Of course, Jou didn't need it, but it was a very boyfriendly thing to do. And it made Mokuba sick.
"Stop your groping!" he spat out at them.
Seto turned to look down at his little brother. "What is wrong with you tonight?" he asked, sounding as much concerned as suspicious.
"What's wrong with you?" Mokuba countered fiercely, and then stormed off to the kitchen to get the cold food. He watched Mokuba stomp away, and thought that he was really spending too much time with the nerd herd that was Jou's friends.
As they all took their seats around the table, Seto saw fit to caution them.
"The next time you people come to the mansion, could you please check your neuroses at home? They are affecting my brother."
"First of all, I am not neurotic. Second, it's got nothing to do with neuroses," Bakura said from the bottom of the table. He had somehow ended up furthest away from them. "We were just-"
"Hey! Food!" Yugi chirped a little too excitedly, just as Mokuba came in with a trolley of assorted dishes.
"The cook dropped this off a while ago," Mokuba said expressionlessly. He was clearly trying to reign in his emotions.
"That's fine," Seto said benignly. He was monitoring his brother very carefully. He was certainly unloading the cart with more vehemence than was necessary, he noted. The boy was smashing plates onto the table left right and centre. And he might actually have shuddered as he slid in to his seat next to Jou.
"Okay, what's going on here?" Seto asked, aware that something had happened to make the others act so weird. Not that they were even remotely normal usually, but they were extra-odd today.
"Nothing! Just eat the stupid food," Mokuba said angrily. He added "Before I go insane," under his breath.
Jou did not need to be told twice, and fixed himself a plate. Yugi did the same, and was given many stares because he had piled his plate with vast amounts of food he could never finish. The stares were intensified when he began to shovel food into his mouth with barely any pause for chewing.
Honda had also fixed himself a plate, but was eating at a much more sedate pace. Anzu picked at the food she had before her, looking a bit flushed, and Mokuba was not eating at all, staring at his empty plate. Seto ignored his own plate and instead studied his brother.
"This food is kinda cold," Jou said; the only person to complain.
"Yeah? Well that's just too bad, then, isn't it?" snapped Mokuba. "I said stop your groping!" he added, when he saw Jou's hand accidentally touch Seto's and linger a little longer than necessary. Jou looked very taken aback and snatched his hand away.
"I wasn't groping, I was just-"
"I know what you were just! You were-"
"Why didn't you buzz us down earlier, Mokuba?" Seto asked. The others were glad Mokuba was interrupted just then, but they lost all comfort after understanding the question. Seto's eyes were narrowed.
"We were playing a game," Yugi said immediately, despite a full mouth.
"And what game would that be?" Seto asked.
"I dunno, but I lost most of my innocence today," Mokuba said to no one in particular.
"What?" bellowed Seto. He did not like the sound of that at all. "Someone tell me what the hell is going on right now!"
Mokuba started yelling before Honda could lob a roll at his head.
"We heard you!"
"You heard me what?"
"Not just you! Him too!" Mokuba pointed accusingly at Jou. "Well, mostly him."
"Mokuba!" Honda said warningly. He was sad. He thought they'd had an agreement.
"No! You can't shut me up! Honda broke the intercom and we heard you!"
"I knew I heard something on the intercom," Jou muttered.
"Yes! That was the sound of my virtue being perverted! You dirty, nasty dominatrix man!" Mokuba again shuddered, and shook his head disapprovingly in Seto's direction. Seto looked back at Mokuba, put out that people thought that Jou was the dominatrix in their relationship.
"Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa! I think that this is all just a big misunderstanding, you guys!" Jou said. "A really big misunderstanding!"
"There's no mistaking the sound of passion," Anzu said dreamily. Jou looked at her, slightly revolted. "No, really, guys!" he said looking to Seto for support. "We were just-"
"I know what you were just!" Mokuba said, fed up with their measly excuses.
"How's your leg, Jou?" Bakura asked from the end of the table.
"It's been better," he replied, distracted by Mokuba's glare and the way Yugi was inhaling his food.
"Oh, don't be gross, Bakura! I don't wanna know about his leg when we heard – we heard – blecch!"
"Would everyone just shut up?" Seto yelled. "You are all retards. And you," he said, looking at Honda, "are a retard who keeps breaking my things."
Honda had the grace to look adequately ashamed, but couldn't help offering a little advice to Seto.
"You know Kaiba, you shouldn't take it out on me if you've got a problem with, you know...In the bedroom," he mock-whispered in an attempt for semi-authentic confidentially. "I know some things that could help you out a lot. Ginseng really works if you-"
"Just what the hell are you suggesting?" Seto asked indignantly. He knew (and Jou knew) for a fact that Honda was mistaken, but he still felt the need to defend his awesome libido and sexual prowess.
"I mean, we heard you guys. You just don't seem up to the task of-"He couldn't finish his sentence. He didn't really want to think about Jou like that. That, and Seto's eyes were so narrow they were like angry slits of steel.
"Did you try that liniment I gave you?" Bakura asked again from the end of the table.
"A couple of times. Doesn't really do much for me," Jou replied.
"Wait a minute," Honda said, eyeing Bakura. "You knew what these little 'emergencies' were about all the time? And you didn't tell us?"
"I kept trying to tell you! But you wouldn't listen!" Bakura was understandably huffy. He looked up the table where Jou was looking troubled and Seto had his head in his hands. He saw Mokuba looking confused again, and Anzu looking like she was having a hard time following. Yugi had slowed his pace, and was looking around the table as he chewed slowly.
"You guys, all it is, is that Seto was helping me with a little problem, that's all. I swear we weren't having sex!" said Jou, eager to calm his friends. 'Although, I don't know why it would be anyone's concern if we were,' Seto thought resentfully.
"Then what were you doing?" Anzu asked, clearly interested.
"I – don't make a big deal out of it, please. It's just – there's something wrong with my leg." Jou paused dramatically, sniffing bravely.
"What do you mean, there's something wrong with your leg?" Mokuba asked, nonplussed.
"I mean that ever since Honda kicked me in the leg two weeks ago, it's been acting up," Jou said matter-of-factly.
"I – I'm sorry?" Honda said, unsure whether or not this was the time for him to apologise.
"Yeah, whatever, dickhead," Jou waved him off. "Anyways, since then it's been really stiff, and sometimes it's kinda hard to walk and stuff. It really hurts." He sounded a little pathetic, and Seto rolled his eyes.
"That's it?" Mokuba deadpanned. "That's your big emergency?" He looked disgusted.
"Well, yeah," Jou said, saddened that the others seemed less than impressed.
"What's your leg got to do with Kaiba, then?" Yugi asked, finally participating in the conversation. He seemed reluctant to stop eating, though, and held his chopsticks poised above his plate.
"Well, he helps me work it out," Jou said, sensing that Seto refused to dignify this conversation with any response.
"Work it out? I've heard how you guys 'work it out,'" Mokuba said disbelievingly.
"No! I swear! It's like, some serious chiropractor stuff!"
"Then why the hell don't you just go to a freaking chiropractor?!" Honda asked, grasping that this evening's suffering was avoidable.
"You know I hate doctors! Ever since that time you broke my finger and I had to get it fixed, I've never liked doctors!"
"Am I always the bad guy?!" Honda asked exasperatedly. Jou ignored him.
"The point is, Seto's got, like, magic hands or something," he said, ignoring Mokuba's gagging. "I'm sure its better than any chiropractor anyways. Why would I want a stranger rubbing all over me?"
"Rubbing?" Mokuba asked, sickened.
"You know what I mean!" Jou said, resolving to try to be careful with his words. Mokuba looked ready to kill someone.
"Jeez, Kaiba can do everything," Honda noted, a bit annoyed.
"And don't you forget it," the millionaire stated, sounding muffled behind his hands.
"So, there was no sex?" Anzu asked, wanting to make sure she had all her facts straight.
"Not just then, no," Seto said.
"Oh," she said in a small voice, disheartened. Jou wondered if he should be disturbed by Anzu's apparent interest in his love life, but decided that he'd had enough disturbing things to deal with this evening.
"Wow. I feel kinda silly now," Honda said awkwardly. He wondered how soon he could leave.
"Yeah, me too. I'm gonna be sick." Yugi rushed to the bathroom to throw up everything he'd shoved down his face in the last few minutes.
Bakura calmly finished eating. He was enjoying being the sane one, especially since everyone else was convinced that he was mentally impaired every now and again.
"I don't feel silly. I still feel violated," Mokuba said dully. "The atrocities I heard over the intercom have forced me to accept the real, sexual nature of your relationship. I cannot look at either of you in the same way I did when I was still somewhat pure. And because my view of who you are has changed, and one judges oneself by one's relationship with those close to them, I am now unsure of who I am. You have destroyed my sense of self! I am dead inside," he finished mournfully.
"Ooookaaay," Jou said, obviously overwhelmed. "No more psychology books for you."
"Agreed," Seto said. "Maybe we should have a talk later," he said seriously.
"No! No more sex talks!" Mokuba said hastily. "The first one was scary enough."
"Scary?" Seto seemed affronted.
"Yes! You used computing terms!"
"I thought it would have been easier for you to grasp that way!"
"I was eight! Do you know how long it took me to figure out what the input and output was supposed to be?"
Seto harrumphed crankily, and left well enough alone. Jou was already snickering, and Honda looked as if he was trying to figure out the secrets of input and output.
"I think this evening was a catastrophe," he said seriously.
"Me too," said Yugi, staggering back from the bathroom. "I think we'd better call it a night."
The others were quick to agree, and the table was abandoned as everyone rushed to the front door.
"Let's agree never to talk about this again," Seto suggested. Or rather, commanded. "Today's events have obviously been very traumatic for us all, some more than others," he said as he looked at Mokuba. "Let's pretend as though this evening never happened, alright?"
"Forgetting," Honda said quickly, and Yugi made a gesture of agreement. Anzu said nothing, resolving to recreate her own version of events when she was safely at home. Bakura honestly didn't see what the big deal was about. He'd had worse days than this before, and some of them didn't even begin with him getting whacked in the head.
"If only it were so easy to stop thinking about it," Mokuba said flatly.
"You'll get over it, little guy," Honda said kindly. He wasn't sure if it was true or not, but he felt it was the right thing to say. He himself was already over it. He had tucked away the evening in a box in his head marked 'Never to be thought of again;' a box which included the time he saw Anzu naked, every joke Jou had ever told him, and that time he saw Grandpa Mutou naked, which was a long story he was not willing to rehash.
As he watched the others disappear home to clean themselves with scalding water or stab their ears out, or whatever the violated do when they get home, Jou put a hand on Mokuba's shoulder.
"Don't worry. You're rich. If you don't get over it, you can have all the therapy you need."
"Is that supposed to comfort me?" Mokuba asked incredulously. They were being very insensitive to his frail emotional state.
Jou shrugged helplessly, Seto patted his head affectionately, and Mokuba stomped up the stairs, muttering about unfeeling bastards.
"You know," Seto said, turning to Jou after Mokuba had disappeared, "after all that talk about sex, I'm kind of in the mood."
"Mreow," Jou purred, leading the way to anywhere that wasn't the master bedroom.
"And please try to be quiet this time. See how much trouble you caused?"
"I told you, I can't help it. You're so just good..." Jou trailed off seductively, and was just about to do something very interesting with Seto's ear, when Mokuba yelled out.
"The halls aren't soundproof, you know!"
"Damn!" Jou whispered fiercely. "Sorry!" he called out. "Let's go find somewhere soundproof," he said, grabbing the front of Seto's shirt and leading him off. "I plan on making a lot of noise tonight." He felt Seto give into him.
"Whatever makes you happy, Katsuya. Whatever makes you happy."
Well, that's it. To review, or not to review, now that's the question! Shout out to Shakti!