Disclaimer: I do not own Metal Gear Solid. If I did, why would I be writing fanfiction that makes the characters look like morons? Then again, Konami did make The Twin Snakes... jk.
The Nuclear Submarine Discovery drifted lazily through the waters of the Bering Sea. It had a special cargo, one which was now just learning why the hell it was in the brig of an Ohio-class nuclear submarine in the first place, where he was going, and especially why he had no clothes.
Those answers came in the form of a chubby old man in a beret. Colonel Roy Campbell, ex- commander of Fox-Hound, a government organization that was the badassest of the badasses. He had pressing issues to discuss with his "friend". "It's been a long time, Snake." The Colonel said, slowly, trying not to piss off one of the greatest Black Ops killers in the history of Black Ops killing.
"Colonel, I should have known you were behind this!" Solid Snake hissed. He also wondered how long it took the author to think of combining the words "Snake" and "hissed".
"That's no way to treat an old war buddy Snake." Campbell said again.
"War Buddy! Last time I remember you were giving me advice over radio while I was fighting the giant robots and assorted freaks, lardass!".
"Uh, speaking of that, I invited you here so we could have a little talk.".
"Really, a talk! Then why is the fact that I have no pants being recorded on a camera?" Snake always knew the Colonel was a little bit odd, but this was too much.
"Hello there, governor." Said a woman next to Colonel Campbell. Like all supporting women in a Japanese video game, she was more attractive than 90 of the women you'd meet in real life.
Well, at least there's two things for me to feel good about, Snake thought. Turning on his charm, he said "And you are?".
"Uh, Snake, my face is up here." The woman said, and then Campbell introduced her as Doctor Naomi Hunter, c.b. (Crazy Bitch). And Snake's attempt to be charming had no effect on her. Mainly because she didn't find patricidal, brother-killing, cigarette-smoking, drunken, beer- swilling, dense, oversexed mercenaries suitable dating material.
"Really, I knew a person named Jaeger once, and Jaeger is German for 'Hunter'. Remarkable coincidence. He was my friend. I killed him.".
"Ooooookay" Naomi said, slowly backing away from the idiot. Then she remembered what she was there to do. She pulled out a needle, grabbed Snake's arm, and said "Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit.". She then jabbed the needle into his arm.
Apparently, Naomi's definition of "not hurting a bit" actually meant "provoking the injectee to swear loudly and colorfully for several minutes". When Snake finally calmed down, he finally asked why he was here.
"Well, it seems that a group of "absolutely loyal" soldiers in the U.S. armed forces have seized control of a Nuclear Weapons disposal site and ransoming us for the corpse of your father, the legendary supersoldier, the greatest warrior to ever live, the man whom nobody can match, the amazing, the stupendous, the colossal–.".
"Yeah, Big Boss. I get it." Snake cut him off. "Why the Hell do they want his corpse?".
"You see, Snake," Naomi began "In real life, training doesn't matter. How badass you are doesn't depend on how much you practice, it's all do to a random combination of chromosomes that we don't fully understand. It's an unbreakable chain.".
Naomi's rambling on about how D.N.A. is what actually determines if you're cut out to be a ruthless assassin was cut short by the snoring of both Snake and Campbell, both of whom were tired of her pontifications about genes after only one tirade. They hoped she'd get the hint and never bring it up again. Unfortunately, she'd bring it up again. And again. And again.
Changing the subject, Campbell decided to tell Snake who his opponents would be. "Okay, first up is the Next Generation Special Forces, a group of genetically enhanced soldiers who really can't see anything beyond ten feet in front of them. But the kicker is that they're being led by Fox-Hound. After I left, some genius decided to give command of the group to a crazy evil British guy. He promptly decided to turn Fox-Hound into a force that could beat the SuperFriends.".
"So, instead of being just really skilled soldiers, they've all got some kind of gimmicky power, like all the other terrorists I've wasted over the course of my life?".
"Yup. The first is Psycho Mantis, the anorexic bald psychic freak with no knowledge that PlayStations have two controller ports. Then there's Decoy Octopus, who has no fighting ability. He's just able to disguise himself. Then there is Sniper Wolf, who, aside from being a suicidal junkie who lives to kill, also loves animals. Bonus, she has a large rack. Then there's Vulcan Raven, a guy who talks with birds. Next up is Revolver Ocelot, the winner of the Colonel Sanders Lookalike contest. Finally, there is their leader, Liquid Snake here is a picture of him.".
The soldier looked at that photo, and burst out laughing. "Look at that ugly mug! And that stupid long blonde hair. He looks like he should be an eighties rockstar...".
"Yep, not only does he have the same codename as you, he also looks exactly like you." Campbell said.
"Oh, crap. Uh, what am I supposed to do?".
"First, rescue the obligatory distractions--er, I mean hostages. Then, find out if they actually can launch, and stop them...".
Naomi spoke up "And spread a horrible death virus that I've injected into you so I can get revenge for my brother.".
"What was that, Naomi?" Snake asked.
"Uh, I said good luck.".
"Okay then. Colonel, how do I get there?".
"We were planning on strapping you to a dolphin and having him drag you out there, but Greenpeace complained. So, we're just going to shove you in a torpedo tube and let you swim.".
"Anything else?".
"My niece is being held hostage. She's a brash, cocky, headstrong woman whom will be as much a hindrance as a help to you. Seeing as we've dragged you out here against you're will, forced you to accept this mission, have decided against giving you any weapons in this endeavor, and pumped you full of a bunch of chemicals, I'm going to ask you to save her.".
"Does she have a nice butt?"
"She's my goddam niece, you sick bastard! I can't judge.".
"I'll take that as a yes. Just let me have a haircut, and then I'm ready to go.".
A few minutes later, and Snake was under the sea, swimming to a heavily armed terrorist stronghold. As he surfaced, he heard a trademark British voice.
"Stay alert. He'll be through here. I know it.".
"Uh, boss, if he's going to come here, then why do you have two inept guards posted? I mean, me and Jim can beat up hobos and the elderly, but that's about it.".
"Shut up! I have a conspiracy to enact, and don't need to be questioned by Faceless Guard number one.".
"Actually sir, I'm faceless guard number two. FG One is Jim. He's over there.".
"Sorry. Oh well, when he kills you, try to act like you didn't expect his arrival, okay!".
"Can do, boss.".
With that, the evil British guy departed via elevator. Too bad no one heard Faceless Guard number one's pleas for help, nor the audible snap of his neck breaking. Then Snake stepped into a puddle. Within an instant, FG Two turned, walked over, and said "What was that sound?". When he spotted the guy in grey body armor dragging FG One's corpse towards a conveniently placed wood chipper.
Faceless Two immediately started firing. Unfortunately, Snake managed to run five feet away. Faceless Two immediately began to ask, to nobody, "Where'd he go?". He continued his pursuit, and Snake found it fun to run within his visual range, then dart back out right after he was spotted. But, eventually it got boring, so Snake punch-punch-kicked FG2 until he was out cold.
Leaving faceless guard two lying unconscious, Snake headed over to the elevator. After 3 minutes of waiting, finally, the elevator began to descend, with warning Klaxons loud enough to alert even the densest of Black Ops agents that yes, the elevator was coming down. So Snake hid behind a crate and waited.
Faceless Guard number 3, upon exiting the elevator immediately began to wonder where his comrades were. The trail of blood, the spent shell casings, it all could only mean one thing. "They must've been killed by Giant Rats!". Obviously, the NSGF wasn't going to be outdone in the "total idiot" category, even by Solid Snake.
"Oh man, my head hurts." The moaning emanated from around the corner. Immediately, FG three sprung out, and emptied his assault rifle... into FG2. Immediately, Faceless Guard 3 could only think of one thing. Oh shit. Paperwork's gonna be a bitch for this one. Maybe I can blame it on some legendary soldier, or a manatee, or something.
Solid Snake, safely out of view twenty feet straight ahead of FG3, turned over a question in his mind as well.The question was Do I kill him, or do I just head up the elevator? This question was interrupted when FG3 decided to continue his patrol. With that, Snake decided to take pity on one of the few beings with less common sense then himself, and headed up to the elevator. So far, the mission had gone pretty good. He predicted that nothing strange or stupid would happen. Clearly, the man was an ass.