Chapter 3
Falling asleep was never a challenge for Rei. Her monotonic lifestyle had trained her in performing efficiently even in very unremarkable tasks. Under any normal circumstances, she would just lay down on her bed, close her eyes and darkness would take over before she knew it. Not even cold weather gave her too much difficulty. Rei's experience with Eva had given her a high level of endurance despite her tiny frame.
But tonight was different.
The pale girl couldn't keep her eyes shut. Her body was stiff and rigid. The cold sweat had dampened the limp mattress. Her shirt felt heavy on her clammy skin. She was scared, but she didn't understand why. Rei kept her body as still as possible, seemingly afraid that even a single insignificant move would trigger changes that she didn't want to experience.
But by then, changes were already inevitable…
Her hand reached up to rub her eyes every so often, each time expecting to find tears flowing from her two red orbs. Never once did she feel the salty fluid again that night. The tears had dried up. Her eyes had become inflamed and painful from all the rubbings she was giving them. Rei tried hard not to cry, because it would mean changes. She hated changes.
But she had cried. Rei was changing and she knew it.
The girl didn't sleep at all that night. Each time she closed her eyes, she saw the commander standing there, towering over her with shadows. Rei felt scared. The room felt unusually empty and cold. She held on tightly to her pillow, pressing it against her chest. Something was missing, but she didn't understand. The girl had never felt this way before.
Hours passed by, and finally the warm orange light of sunrise flowed into her room. Rei stood up and walked onto the cold hard floor. As usual, she went into her washroom first and looked into the mirror. Her hair was untidy, but it felt soft and comfortable. Her eyes, on the other hand, looked inflamed and tired from the lack of rest.
Nevertheless, she completed her morning routine, which included cleaning herself, dressing into her uniform, eating breakfast and swallowing a pill. All was normal, but her heart was pounding restlessly inside her chest. Somehow, she felt that this wouldn't be a normal day.
Things were beginning to change.
The sun shone cheerfully in the sky. It was a nice change from the weather of the past few days. Rei had always liked the sun, but today she couldn't feel any warmth. Everything felt so cold. While she was walking quietly to her school, something seemed to be stirring inside her stomach. It was as if she was waiting for something to happen.
Something nice…like Ikari-kun…
Nevertheless, the major's car didn't manage to find her this morning, so she reached her school by foot. Rei half expected herself to be welcomed by another wave of gossip and teasing, but her schoolmates seemed relatively quiet today. However, she didn't miss the strange looks they were casting at her.
The girl couldn't concentrate in the class the entire day. Her mind kept flashing her images of the commander, and the fear inside her grew larger with each flash. Suddenly, she was silently wishing that she never had to see him again, although she was still having difficulty understanding the abrupt series of changes. Her thoughts were interrupted by a message popping up on her screen.
Ayanami, are you alright?
It was from Shinji. For reasons unknown to Rei, her heart became light as she saw his message, but she didn't know why Shinji was asking her such a question.
Rei: Yes, I am fine.
Shinji: Are you sure? If you need help, don't hesitate to ask me.
Rei: Why are you asking me this?
Shinji: Well, I'm just concerned that you're crying.
His answer surprised Rei. The girl didn't know what was happening. Her shaky hand reached out to touch her face. Shinji was right, there were trails of tears. Why didn't she feel it? Why didn't she feel the tears? Why didn't she know she was crying? Uncertainties filled her chest as she started to feel scared again.
Rei: Can we meet after school?
Shinji: Yes of course. Where should we meet?
Rei: In the library.
Shinji: Alright, I'll see you there.
The rest of the class went on as usual, but Rei didn't even notice when school ended. She was too confused with her own feelings. Something terrible was happening. Rei could feel it, but she couldn't point out exactly what was wrong. It had something to do with the commander and how he was treating her.
She went straight to the library after the bell rang. There were a few studious students inside the building, but overall it was very quiet and was the ideal place to meet Shinji. Rei picked the corner furthest away from everyone else. The girl didn't feel comfortable with other people. She wanted herself to be isolated with the boy she was going to meet.
It didn't take long for Shinji to show up. He spotted the blue haired girl quickly and walked hastily towards her. Once the boy reached her, he picked a chair and sat down beside the girl. Shinji had a worried look on his face.
"Ayanami, what happened? Why were you crying?"
At first, Rei felt herself being warmed up. It was a pleasant feeling, to have the boy so close to her. She felt that, right then, Shinji was the only one she could trust, even though they hardly knew each other. Rei struggled to come out with an answer, and it took her nearly a whole minute before she decided to speak.
"Ikari-kun, something is happening to me, and I do not understand."
"What's wrong? What happened?"
Once again, Rei could find no suitable words to answer Shinji. She didn't even know what had triggered the unfamiliar feelings inside her. Some of them felt really nice, especially when Shinji was close to her, or talking to her; others felt horrifyingly disturbing, like the nights she had spent with the commander. The two children sat there in silence until Shinji suddenly spoke up in an even more concerned voice.
"Ayanami? Ayanami what's wrong? Tell me what happened? Why are you crying?"
Upon hearing him, Rei raised her hand to touch her face, and once again, there were trails of tears. Her red eyes stared at the fluid on her hand. The pale girl started to tremble.
"I do not understand, Ikari-kun. What is happening to me?" She sobbed.
"Did someone hurt you? Was it Miaka? Did she hurt you again?"
"No…it's not her…it's…" Rei couldn't finish her sentence, but deep inside her mind, she knew who it was. It was the commander. Before Shinji could say anything further, Rei added, "Ikari-kun, could you…could you stay here with me? I do not wish to be alone."
"O-Of course." Shinji replied, blinking several times.
Together, the two of them stayed there in silence. Rei had stopped crying after a while. She liked being so close to Shinji, and she began to wonder why she felt this way. Perhaps he was the only person who could make her feel being cared. Shinji was simply sitting quietly beside her. He kept his eyes fixed on the table. Rei did not mind. She felt assured, knowing that she wasn't alone, and that she had a friend in him.
None of them said another word, until the sun began to set. The library was closing, and it was time for them to leave. The boy stood up first.
"The library is closing, Ayanami. We have to go now."
The girl simply nodded her head, she was grateful that Shinji was willing to spend time with her. She followed him out of the building.
"How are you feeling?" Shinji asked.
"I feel much better now." Rei lied.
"That's good. Ayanami, I just want you to know that, I will always be here to help you, if you need any…"
"Thank you, Ikari-kun." With that, she did something which she had never done before, and her hand reached forward and touched Shinji's hand. The boy was slightly taken aback at first, but then he smiled and gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.
"I'll talk to you again tomorrow, Ayanami. Goodbye."
Rei watched as Shinji jogged off before disappearing into the horizon. The fear was still there, but it didn't feel as terrible as before anymore, for in Shinji, Rei had found someone who truly cared for her. Rei had finally found someone who she could call a friend.
The quiet girl turned and walked away in the opposite direction. Shinji said he would talk to her again the next day. It somehow calmed the waves of emotions inside her, and this time Rei believed she understood why. She had found something to look forward to.
The street lamps had lit up as the city night life begun. Shops were decorated with brilliant neon lights; cars were bustling on the roads. Rei passed by a garden where she saw a few couple strolling in the park, whispering and smiling to each other. Some teenagers were still playing football on the field. Rei didn't understand why she had come here instead of returning to her apartment.
Perhaps she was afraid of going back.
She chose a spot by the fountain and sat down, listening to the water splashing. Her hand reached out to touch the cool water. Rei found it relaxing, as she waved her hand back and forth inside the pool. It was then she heard a few familiar voices.
"Wow, I didn't know she actually took drugs."
"Yeah, her step father gave it to her. It was sick."
"I agree. The way he used the drug to force her into submission…that's just sick."
"I tell you, if I were the judge, I would order the man to be skinned alive."
"Aw stop that Asuka! The man got what he deserved. Justice was served. Let's not talk about it anymore."
Rei's ears perked at the mention of the crime. For some reasons, she found it very familiar. The blue haired girl wanted to know more, so she stood up and walked towards the other two girls.
"I swear, Hikari, all men are perverts."
"Well, not all of them…there are a few exceptions…"
"What are you-" Asuka stopped mid-sentence when she noticed Rei standing in front of her and her friend. So instead, she turned her attention towards the quiet girl and asked, "What are you doing here?"
"I wish to know more about it."
"About what?"
"The girl and her step father."
"Oh that," Hikari replied as she handed Rei a copy of newspaper, "Here, take this. You can read about the news on the front page."
Rei grabbed the newspaper and quickly started reading.
The headline spelt: Rapist Sentenced to Life in Jail
It was spread across the front page, but Rei stopped reading as soon as she finished the first few lines. Her heart started pounding furiously as those few sentences replayed themselves over and over again inside her head. Sweats started to form. Her red eyes widened in shock and fear. Her hand quickly reached up and touched her cheeks to see if she was crying, but found that she wasn't.
"Disgusting, isn't it?" Hikari spoke when she saw Rei's reaction.
"May I have the newspaper?" Rei asked.
"Sure. I've finished reading it."
"Thank you." Rei said before walking away hastily, but she didn't miss what Asuka said from her back.
"You know, Hikari, that's the second time I've seen her acting weird this week. Either my eyes are playing tricks on me, or Wonder Girl is finally getting a life."
"Asuka that's rude!"
"What? What did I do?"
Their voices faded away as Rei exited the garden, the copy of the newspaper tightly gripped between her delicate fingers. She had a burning desire to understand herself. Changes were already inevitable. Rei knew this, and she wanted to reach a conclusion as soon as she could. The article had shown her a direction. What the commander had been doing to her was of the same nature.
The only thing she needed to decide was whether it was acceptable for it to happen again. She had little doubt of what her mind was telling her, that the commander was betraying her trust all this time, but she wanted more understanding of the matter, because her decision could bring changes to her life.
Days passed, followed by weeks. Things were beginning to become obvious. The world, from Rei's perspective, had altered. She sensed it everywhere. Rei was now more aware of her surroundings than she had ever been. When she breathed, she smelt the air; when she ate, she tasted the food. New interests began to surface and make their ways into her once simple life. As she learnt to comprehend why things were the way they were, or how things had been done the way they had, Rei started to dwell into historic and real stories to help her understand further, something which she had never been bothered with in the past. Nevertheless, she took the changes step by step, not allowing them to overwhelm her as they had done initially.
Although the experience proved to be attractive and rewarding in certain ways, it also inflicted more and more pain on her life. She was afraid of the dark, of the nights, and of what she expected to be hidden within. It was the commander. It was his orders and her obligations. The ability to feel had come with a heavy price, as more and more often, Rei found herself weeping in the darkness of her apartment.
Rei tried her best not to let her weakness show, especially to the commander and his son. She didn't want to lose what she had worked so hard to gain. In silence, she began to wonder if things would ever get better. Then again, she also wondered if she would be strong enough to take a chance when it arrived.
And arrived it did, two months after she had first learnt to appreciate Shinji's kind acts.
It was a breezy evening, with the sun comfortably veiled by the cloudy sky. School had just ended, and Rei was resting on the rooftop, reflecting on her life as she had done quite frequently in the past few weeks. She leaned against the metal rails, gazing at the horizon and bathing in the gentle caress of wind, paying no attention to the students buzzing below.
Suddenly, a voice broke her trance from behind.
"Hello," It was Shinji.
"Hello." She greeted in return, briefly nodding her head.
"We haven't spoken to each other lately, have we?"
"No…we haven't."
"So…how have you been?"
"The same as always," Rei answered. Oddly, it didn't come as a surprise when Shinji came to stand beside her, with only a few mere inches separating them.
"I suppose that's a good thing," He said, wearing a small smile on his face.
"That would depend on how you see it."
Her reply was followed by a lengthy silence. Neither of them spoke another word, and yet there wasn't any tension. Rei sighed. It was very subtle, but Shinji caught it.
"Is there something on your mind?" He asked.
"Ikari, do you believe in fate?"
"Why are you asking?" The boy sounded slightly surprised.
"I just want to understand."
"Oh…well…I don't know…," Shinji said, "But I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my own life."
Rei turned to face him, "Why is that so?"
"I don't know…" He shrugged, "Maybe something to do with free will…or…maybe not…Sorry, that was probably a lousy answer to your question."
Rei nodded, but she continued, "To you, piloting has always been a heavy burden, hasn't it?"
At this, the boy laughed softly, "I guess I'm not as strong as either you or Asuka."
"You were given a choice when the 14th Angel attacked," Rei said, returning her gaze to the horizon, "The commander gave you permission to leave, which you did, only to return immediately after. Was it fate, or did you make a decision to come back yourself?"
"It was a decision I made," Shinji replied, the pleasant smile on his face replaced by a serious, though gloomy expression, "A selfish one, but one that I made myself."
"Then I guess my next question is, if piloting was so painful, why have you chosen to return when you could've walked away so easily?"
"Because seeing the ones I care about fall down one by one was even more painful…" His eyes became wet and his voice trembled, as if he was reliving the horrible experience, "Like I said, it was a selfish decision."
Rei had not expected such an answer. For reasons unknown, it pained her seeing him like this. She wanted to offer comfort, like he had done for her so many times before, but she was unsure how. In the end, she only managed a warm smile, though it seemed to have worked when she saw him smiling back.
"A selfish decision it may be, but a brave one it remains." The girl added, "I admire you, Ikari, for I do not know if I could've done that myself."
"What do you mean? Of course you could!"
Rei tried hard not to let her sadness show, but she didn't succeed, "I am…perhaps not as resolved as you may think."
"I'm glad." Once again, Shinji's reply came as a surprise to her, and even more so when he took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Her cheeks went pink.
"You are?" She asked.
"Yeah…someone once told me a long time ago, that you would only willingly show your weaknesses to someone you really trust," He said, looking straight at her, "I guess…I guess I'm just happy that we can be like this…talking to each other comfortably."
"So am I…" Rei replied, her smile returned but then faded instantly, "But I'm afraid it might not last forever."
If Shinji had any doubts about her last comment, he certainly did not let it show. In any case, Rei gave him no chance to ask any further questions, for she did not want to answer them. She quickly slipped her hand off Shinji's and walked away, afraid that she would lose control of her emotions if she stayed any longer. Rei never looked back as she left the rooftop.
The following morning was a gloomy one, with the sky heavily blanketed by dark, greyish clouds. It was already nine when she woke up, but to Rei it felt more like early dawn. The chilly wind made its way through her windows, making the curtains rise and fall to an unnerving rhythm. Thunder could be heard in the distance. It would probably start raining soon, but days like this were no longer foreign to the city. Storms had become frequent. The final days were approaching…
Rei lay on her bed, contemplating what Shinji had told her the previous day. Fate, so it seemed, was simply another word equivalent to choice. It was the source of excuses, the reason for illogical beliefs, or in her case, a delusion to those who had been misled. Her brows furrowed. Could she steer the course of her life, or was she destined only for the purpose the commander had told her? It wasn't a difficult choice, not after what she had gone through.
She walked to the study table, her eyes fixed on the empty bottle that once stored her medicine. For a moment, she wanted to smash it onto the wall, break it into pieces and vent the anger she was feeling inside. For another, there was fear within her, of what the commander would do if he found out how she had changed. His abusive actions had made her both hate and fear him, and she hated this weak side of hers.
It was then her thoughts were broken off by a piercing alarm. Her heart pounded as the inflaming red alert sounded through the city. The fifteenth Angel had finally arrived.
Rei left her apartment immediately. A black car was already waiting for her at the foot of the building. She hesitated, an image of the commander flashing through her mind when she saw the NERV agents, but they quickly took her into the car and sped off to the NERV complex.
It was the first attack in months, but NERV employees were well-trained. When she arrived, the command centre was already in battle mode. There were a few technicians still running around, preparing for the launch, but none was panicking. They all looked ready, but as Rei had learnt from past experience, good preparation alone was often not enough to guarantee smooth operation when facing the Angels.
"The Angel is orbiting at a fixed point," Misato spoke in the briefing, "At the moment we cannot be sure if it is capable of landing, nor can we be certain of its means of attack. Unit-00 and Unit-02 will be equipped with electric powered launchers and sniper rifles."
"What about Shinji?" Asuka cut in.
"The commander has decided that, at this point, Unit-01 is not ready for combat yet."
"Lucky you," Asuka sneered at Shinji, "Looks like you get to relax while we work our socks off. Not that I care, mind you."
Like Rei, the boy wore no expression on his face. Misato spared them a look, before she continued, "Nevertheless, Shinji, you will need to be ready as well." She then turned to Asuka and Rei, "Now go get inside your Evas. Both of you are to remain in an observing state until I give further orders."
And with that, the three pilots were left to proceed to the hangars. Since the command crew did not intend to launch Unit-01, Shinji had to take a different route from his fellow pilots. He took a separate lift, thus leaving Rei and Asuka having to share the remaining elevator.
The two girls stood side by side. No words were exchanged, but Rei, despite trying to stay focused, couldn't help but notice the uncharacteristically rigid expression on Asuka's face as she struggled to maintain a calm exterior. It seemed that the confidence of the Second Child's early career was no longer present. She was no longer excited by the prospect of facing Angels. Instead, Asuka appeared nervous and perhaps even scared, with sweat running down her sideburns as she helplessly tried to keep her hands from trembling.
Rei briefly recalled how Asuka had sided with her when she was being bullied, so she decided that she had the obligation to return the favour. After some quick contemplation, she finally reached the conclusion that perhaps some form of reassurance would help the Second Child feel better.
"Your Eva will move if you keep your mind open," She opened the conversation.
To her surprise, Asuka looked quite offended, "What do you mean? Are you saying that my mind is closed?"
"Yes, there is a mind inside Eva."
"So you're telling me that they can actually think? Can there be anything more ridiculous?" The Second Child began to laugh hysterically, though her laughter sounded forced and Rei understood that she was trying to mask her uncertainties.
"You're supposed to know that."
"And this coming from you? I wonder what next?" Asuka replied with a sarcastic tone, "Snow tomorrow?"
Rei kept quiet. Her kind attempt had ended in failure, and she could see no reason why she should continue the dialogue. However, her red haired colleague seemed to be even more incensed by her choosing not to say anything.
"What?" She raised her voice, "Does it make you happy that I can't pilot Eva? Hah! So now not only Shinji, but the mechanical puppet also feels sorry for me…I'm really turning out dull, eh?"
Rei drew her eyebrows together. So it seemed that Shinji had also spoken to Asuka about the same thing, and apparently it hadn't worked either. Nevertheless, that wasn't her main concern. Her main concern would be the insult Asuka had just thrown at her.
"I am not a puppet." She replied indifferently, despite anger already flaring inside her chest.
"Shut up!" The Second Child screamed, "You only do what people tell you to do and if the commander told you to go kill yourself, you'd probably do it too!"
And then it snapped. What Asuka said might have been true a long time ago, but Rei had experienced some radical changes ever since. She shot Asuka a glare, which the Second Child returned with equal ferocity. Both stood silent for a few tense seconds before Rei finally managed to recompose herself, "As I said, I am not a puppet."
Asuka drew a sharp breath, her eyes widened and her nostrils flaring. She raised her hand, ready to strike hard, but stopped when Rei refused to back down. They then remained there in a silent stalemate, with one hesitating and the other standing defiantly.
Soon afterwards, a bell was heard and the door to the elevator opened. Rei was the first to step outside, leaving Asuka trailing behind. Neither spoke another word, nor did they spare each other another glance. They parted ways shortly after that, with Rei proceeding to her Eva and Asuka to hers. Once they were ready, the Evas were launched to the surface without any further delay.
As Rei had expected, it was already raining heavily outside, a bad omen to the superstitious. To add to the anxiety, this would be the first time she went into combat under such weather. Rei tried to stay calm, but she remembered how she was so easily defeated by the previous two Angels. The fifteenth Angel was unlikely to be any easier, and to make things worse, Unit-01 was not with them this time around.
"Alright, Rei, pick up the launcher. You will be engaging the enemy directly," Misato could be heard speaking from the radio, "Asuka, take the sniper rifle. Unit-02 will act as back up."
"What? Is this a joke? Me acting as backup to her?" Asuka was heard shouting angrily, "I'm not here to fool around! Unit-02 will engage in a direct assault!"
"Asuka, this is an order!"
"I'm not listening!"
"Asuka! Asuka? Asuka what are you doing? Respond immediately!"
"She cut off the radio, major," Rei heard one of the technicians speak.
"Damn it…"
"Nevermind…just let her be…" This time, it was the distasteful, yet familiar voice of Doctor Akagi.
"What? She could get killed out there!"
"I know, but her synch rate has been dropping, and I believe only a victory can pull her back."
"Aren't you worried about her safety at all?" The major asked in disbelief.
"She wouldn't have wanted to live if she couldn't pilot," Came the cold reply.
Before Rei could listen any further, her radio connection was also severed. The girl felt dismayed, for she found herself impressed by Misato's caring attitude and she wanted to hear more from her. Nevertheless, she shook it off and returned her attention to the Angel. By then, Asuka had taken the launcher. The Second Child stood ready at her post in the middle of the city. Rei chose a spot near the outskirt. She aimed her sniper at the orbiting Angel and observed.
The fifteenth Angel was a circulating blue light with numerous wings. Its core seemed to be veiled, but Rei was convinced that it was located somewhere in the middle, where the wings crossed and the light appeared brightest. She pointed her sniper at the spot, having decided that it was where she should fire if her fellow pilot failed.
Suddenly, without warning, a beam of light was emitted from the Angel. It struck Unit-02 directly, which immediately spiralled out of control. The Eva fired a few blank shots into the sky, before dropping the launcher and clutching its head as if in severe pain. Its body twisted and turned violently, radiating a dreaded horror and totally defenceless against the invasion.
Rei did not wait for the orders to initiate attack. She pulled the trigger, sending a ray of laser towards the Angel. The targeting had been perfect, as it duly connected with the enemy. However, it was not powerful enough to penetrate the AT-Field, and the laser became a wasted shot when it was effortlessly deflected off to another direction.
Not willing to succumb so easily, Rei reloaded her sniper, and was about to fire another shot when her radio reconnected and she heard the commander's voice.
"Rei, conventional weapons will not work. The Lance is our only option. Go and retrieve it. You have my permission."
Rei nodded, but gave no verbal response. She put away the sniper and set off for Terminal Dogma.
It didn't take her long to locate Lilith and recover the Lance of Longinuss. The white Angel was still being kept firmly nailed to a gigantic red cross, but Rei didn't miss the rapid emergence of its legs when she pulled the Lance from its body.
When Rei returned to the surface, Unit-02 was already silent, with its head awkwardly hung and its limbs flaccid. Asuka never left the spot. Her Eva was still showered in the light coming from the Angel, as if in glorious defeat.
Rei took a careful aim at the Angel, and then with full force, she speared the Lance towards her enemy. It pierced through the core, and the fifteenth Angel was left spiralling into nothingness. Silence followed. Then came the announcement from the technician that the Angel was dead, and the operation successful.
The city had become silent.
The clouds had cleared, and the rain stopped.
Both Unit-00 and Unit-02 were safely brought back to the hangars after the battle. There had been no physical damage done, and even Tokoy-3 was left unscathed, but instead of celebrating, the mood inside the NERV complex was a depressing one. Rei could already sense it once she stepped out of her Eva and saw the gloomy look on the technicians' faces.
However, she paid no heed. The girl proceeded to the showers and cleaned herself. Then, she set off to find Shinji. Rei didn't know why she wanted to find him. To her, it just seemed the natural thing to do.
She checked Central Dogma to see if Shinji was there, only to find that Misato had cancelled the post-operation briefing.
"Do you know where I can find Ikari?" Rei asked.
"Why? Is something wrong? Maybe I can help." Misato said. Rei didn't miss the look on her face. Apparently, the major was trying to hide something from her.
"No, it is alright." Rei replied, turning away. There was no point in forcing Misato. If the major didn't want to tell her, she would just have to find Shinji herself. Rei was about to leave when Misato stopped her.
"I don't feel that I should be telling you this, but you know the hill beside the entrance? The one overlooking the lake?"
Rei nodded.
"You may be able to find him there, but I wouldn't go there if I were you."
"Why is that so?"
"I think he just needs some time alone…with Asuka…but hey, you don't have to follow what I said. It's not an order."
"I know," Rei nodded again, "Thank you, major."
With that, she left the command centre, her mind struggling to make a decision as she proceeded to the front gate. Rei took the major's words into careful consideration. On one hand, she desired to be with Shinji; on the other, what Misato said was right. Asuka probably needed him more than her. Besides, as Rei figured, she wouldn't be able to speak freely with Shinji if the Second Child was present.
It wasn't the first time her feelings and logic had clashed, but this time, Rei found herself choosing the later of the two. The right choice was often the difficult one.
She decided to return home after that. On her way back, she cast a quick glance at the hill Misato had talked about, and briefly wondered what Shinji and Asuka were doing up there. A bitter taste made its way into her heart. Rei clutched her chest, absorbing the dull sensation. Deep inside, she began to understand why she had grown so attached to Shinji. Rei had to fight hard to suppress it, for she knew fully well…
…the feeling was a forbidden one…
However, once she reached her apartment, Rei could think of nothing else. She found herself unusually exhausted, and her uniform was soon damp with cold sweat. Feeling ill, Rei went to her bed and lay down. She forced her eyes shut. There, the girl remained still for hours.
The afternoon passed without her knowing. It wasn't till the evening that she was woke up by her cell phone ringing. Rei picked it up.
"Hello. Ayanami speaking."
"Hello Ayanami," A familiar voice spoke. "It's Shinji here. Misato said you were looking for me. Is that true?"
"Yes," Rei replied, somehow feeling flattered that Shinji was considerate enough to call her.
"Oh…so…is there anything I can help with?"
"No, everything is fine," She said, sitting back on her bed, "I just…felt like speaking to you…"
"I see… I… I don't think I can talk for too long though…" The boy sounded guilty, "…Sorry…"
"It's alright. I understand." Rei nodded, even though she knew Shinji couldn't see her, "How is she doing?"
This was followed by a brief silence. Rei could hear herself breathing as she waited patiently for a reply. It came a few seconds later.
"…She is…very upset…"
"You must go to her then."
"I will."
Despite herself, Rei felt saddened that Shinji wanted to return to Asuka. Then again, she only had herself to blame, for although Shinji had previously advised her to call for help whenever she needed them, Rei had never worked up the courage to reveal the dark secret that had plagued her for so long.
"…Your father will be coming for dinner tonight…I thought you might want to know that too…" It was already too late when Rei realised what she had just said. She hadn't intended to word it that way. Shinji's tone changed immediately afterwards.
"Oh…have fun then…" He said, trying to sound indifferent but failing, "Goodbye…"
"…Goodbye…"
It was all Rei could say, her tears already forming, and her heart deeply pierced by the boy's ironic reply. The phone clicked. All was silent once more.
As anticipated, the commander arrived a short while later. Rei could find no strength to reject him. Lusty breaths filled the room once more. The air was treachery. No one could hear her sorrow, nor feel her pain, nor lift the shadows that clouded her eyes. The cold, hard walls veiled her crying whispers deep into the night.
He left as soon as he was done, leaving a new bottle on the table without saying another word.Rei found herself laying on the bed, naked, alone, her eyes inflamed, her body beaten, and her dignity bruised. Why had she suddenly felt so humiliated? After all, it was just another session, and there had been many of those before this. Why?
Had she fallen in love?
Yet love would only bring more suffering. It could not save her from him. Only one person could…the person who made her medicine…
Her only way of escaping…
She would have to confront the doctor…
Try as she might, Rei could not hold back the tears. No longer was the crystal fluid innocent, for she understood and still let it happen. Rei rubbed her eyes dry. The right choice…so it seemed…was often the difficult one…
Author's note:
Well, I guess most of you pretty much know where this is going. It has been nearly a year since I last update this fic. I got some pretty heavy, but truthful criticisms along the way. It seems that this series is one which you either hate or love. Anyway, for those who don't already know, this fic was started because I wasn't happy with red tears and wanted to remedy the OOCness. So far I think I've done ok, but having spoken to the pre-reader, I realise a bigger problem is emerging. It seems that the stories are diverging.
I'll see what I can do to tackle that. You'll probably see two, or at the most three chapters before the end. Special thanks to brindani for pre-reading.