No! No more breaks! We must keep the fire burning, you beast!
Beast?! I told you, he didn't mean for it to go out! ...did you, Jack?
Jack shakes his head. "Nope."
See? Besides, even if the fire keeps burning, they'll die without meat.
"Yeah!" Jack sticks his tongue out at Ralph. "We were also protecting all of you from the beast!" Simon looks up.
"But there isn't a beast!"
He's been waiting to say that for the longest time, hasn't he?
Shut up! I don't interrupt your favorite choirboy!
Ralph blinks a little. "Did you guys here anything?" Jack cocks his head slightly.
"No."
"Hm. Must've been the wind." Simon frowns.
"No! You see, the best is only a--"
"There it is again!" Ralph cries. "Weird, man."
Jesus wouldn't try to give away the ending either, Simon.
Simon scowls. "I wasn't giving away the ending. I was... foreshadowing."
Yeah! Leave him alone! Besides, they won't die without meat. At least Jack won't. Not with all the cookies you're slipping him.
...but... but...
The narrator scowls and slips Jack a cookie.
...shut up.
Jack pops the cookie in his mouth. "Yeah."
Damn it! Would you stop babying that poor boy? He won't last a minute in the real world!
Piggy blinks a little. "This is as real as it gets." After shooting the pudgy boy a glare, the narrator giggles.
Because it's just so fun to baby him! Besides, it's even more fun to see that little vein pop out in your head when you yell at me.
Jack nods. "It bulges. Kinda interesting, really." Shooting Racheal a sideways glance, the narrator whispers quickly to Jack.
Sh. She'll beat you down, Jack. Don't anger her.
Damn straight I'll beat him down! ...there's just one problem. I could beat this boy black and blue, but he'll keep on comin' back. I don't understand it. He's like the Energizer bunny.
The narrator scowls, stepping in front of Jack.
That means he's got spunk.
Ralph snickers. "Spunk." Jack goes all red.
"Shut up, Ralph."
Spunk? There's no spunk in that boy! He's just spoiled!
He's got spunk! He's got a plethera of spunk!
Everyone blinks.
"Plethera?" echoes everyone on the beach. The narrator blushes.
It sounded good in my head.
For God's sake! Benedicite to all who have to listen to this crap! That means "God Bless You" in Latin, but I'm sure Jack knows that. Wait-- he doesn't speak 3 languages, does he? No! I do! I speak English, French, and Latin! Beat that, choir boy! In your face! BOO YA!
Jack blinks. Piggy blinks. Ralph blinks. Everyone blinks.
Woah, Racheal. Calm down. It's all right.
Piggy leans over to Ralph. "Did she just have a nervous breakdown?"
'Fraid so, Piggy my boy.
...I'm all right. Really.
Jack snickers.
...don't you EVEN start with me.
He shuts up.
And you-- narrator-- stop helping the Merridew boy!
The narrator stops mid-sentence, having been leaning over to whisper in Jack's ear.
I'm not helping him!
She loses her balance and falls flat on her face.
Aow.
Haah! You fell! See? For every evil thing you do, it will come back and haunt you!
The narrator blinks.
Who, Jack? Or me?
Jack tries to look innocent.
"Me? Evil?"
Oh, give it up, hon.
After yawning, the narrator glances around.
Let's get back to the story. Where were we?
Piggy looks up, scratching his head. "Idunno. I forgot."
No one knows where we were?
Looking a bit panicky, she flips through the book.
This is very not good.
She pauses, shrugs, and tosses the book over her shoulder.
Eh, forget it. Who wants to go out for pizza?
The entire beach raises its hand.
We all know what kind of pizza the narrator wants-- Jack's pizza! Just call 1-800-I-Want-You-Jack!
The narrator's eyes nearly pop out of her head.
RACHEAL!!
Piggy pipes up. "Don't argue. Less talk, more pizza." Ralph frowns.
"One problem. We're stuck in the middle of the bloody ocean." Jack, having been looking rather excited, scowls.
"Oh, yeah." Then he perks. "But the narrator's not!"
No, worse-- second hour, English 1.
Everyone screams.
Well, there's a payphone outside the cafeteria. You could use that!
...I don't think my Biology teacher would approve a Domino's guy arriving during a thrilling lesson on genetics.
Piggy is near tears. "No pizza?"
No pizza. We have a lizard, though.
Ralph sticks his tongue out. "I've had quite enough of those, thank you." Roger pipes up in the background.
"Who wants a leg?" A loud chop is heard. Jack glances around nervously.
"Whose bright idea was it to give him something sharp?"
How about McDonald's?
Great! I love Mickey D's! ...but they don't deliver.
Piggy sobs. "No food! No food! It's so cruel!" Ralph rolls his eyes.
"Oh, pipe down. We'll just steal Jack's cookies." Jack's eyes widen as he looks up from his bag of Thin Mints.
"She gave them to me! They're MINE!" He stuffs a few in his mouth for emphasis. Racheal rolls her eyes.
Jack, why don't you go hunting if they're hungry? You're chief hunter, aren't you? Get off your lazy butt and go, go, go!
Jack frowns. "Not a bad idea. I feel like a little narrator's-friend-on-a-stick."
Hah, hah, smart ass. I could spear you with a toothpick right now if I wanted to.
Jack scowls and kicks the ground, muttering darkly. "Shut up." The narrator wrings her hands worriedly.
Don't fight, you two! Give peace a chance!
Peace has no chance when you're talking to his kind. Didn't your mother ever teach you not to speak against your elders...? Oh, wait. The narrator's your mom and she has no manners either.
I'm NOT his mom and I DO have manners!!
Ralph blinks. "His mom and his girlfriend at the same time? ...that's SO Ricki Lake."
Quiet, you!
Hey, leave me alone! Haven't you ever heard of sarcasticness?
The narrator coughs.
Sarcasm.
Sorry, mom. Thanks for correcting me.
Oh, be quiet.
Piggy, who is so upset due to the lack of food, begins gnawing on the conch-- ah, kazoo. Ralph snatches it away, frowning.
"Stop. You'll survive." Piggy sobs.
"No... I... WON'T!!" Racheal sighs.
Cranky, cranky, craaaaanky! What's everyone's problem? Do they all have PMS?
You have NO idea.
Jack squirms uncomfortably. "I'm pretty sure I don't have PMS."
"I don't know about that," snickers Ralph.
And... one more flick in the head should do it.
"OW!"
Much better.
Anyway, let's get back to the story, people. Oh, wait. I forgot. Einstein here threw the book away. Way to go, dummy.
Wow, Racheal. 3rd grade insults. How charming.
The narrator grins and pulls a book out.
Besides, I got this copy from the library. It'll do.
The narrator clears her throat.
Ahem. Here we are.
The beast has gotten closer and closer, making the kids scarder and scarder.
Is scarder a word?
SH! The story!
The narrator goes on.
So Jack, Ralph, and Roger go up the mountain to find the beast. Ralph creeps along behind Jack while Roger lags behind.
"Where are we going?"
"Sh. To kill the beast."
"All RIGHT!" The dark figures in front whirl and hiss "SH!" at Roger. He quiets.
"Sorry." They slink a little closer. Jack readies his spear to throw, and then--
"AIE!! THE BEAST!" All three boys scream like little girls and run down the mountain frantically.
WAAH HAAH HAAH!! Look at them!! Just like little girls!!
The narrator scowls.
There's a beast up there! You'd scream and run too!
Anyway, the boys run all the way back to camp. Ralph tumbles into Piggy, followed closely by Roger and Jack.
"What HAPPENED?!" cries Piggy. Racheal, still laughing, wipes tears from her eyes.
Oh... oh, it was rich... they ran... and they screamed... do it again, it's great!
Jack frowns, rubbing his head awkwardly.
"Maybe I did scream like a girl, but it's just because-- ah-- I can sing really high."
That's right, Jack. You tell her! Besides, high singing is sexy.
The narrator makes cute little eyebrow waggling motions. Racheal, however, is not amused.
Maybe to a cat in heat.
The narrator sputters mid-waggle.
WHAT?! ...that's... that was uncalled for!!
Jack's gone very red.
"I'm not a cat in heat," he mutters, rubbing at his cheeks to stop the blushing. Ralph nearly falls over laughing.
"WAH HAH HAH! That's rich... a cat in heat... WAH HAH HAH!!" Jack looks to the narrator for help.
"Make him stop!"
The narrator flicks Ralph in the head, but to no avail.
I can't! I think we've lost him!
Racheal smirks.
You must remember, Jack-- the truth hurts sometimes.
WHAT?!
Jack scowls, his face as red as his hair now. Ralph keeps laughing. Not just little giggles of amusement, but all-out in your face, bust-a-gut donkey laughter. Jack, unable to take it anymore, lets out a yell.
"THAT'S IT!!" He jumps on the laughing Ralph and starts-- well, beating the crap out of him.
Jack, no! Bad, bad!
Damn you little brat! Get off him NOW!!
Jack doesn't seem to be in a listening mood. He and Ralph roll around on the ground, beating the bloody hell out of each other.
The narrator covers her mouth nervously.
Stop you, two! That's not-- well, this is kind of romantic, if you think about it... two young men fighting for my honor...
Ralph looks up from the fight.
"Your honor, my ass!" Jack takes this opportunity to put Ralph in a headlock and push his face into the sand.
That's it. I can't bear to look at this any more.
Racheal joins in the fight. Making little sounds of nervousness, the narrator pulls down a handy little shade-thing over the story.
Perhaps you should come back later. I'll get this figured out. We've replaced this scene of the story with footage of two '40s gangsters playing cards. Have a nice day!
The sounds of a fight fade out as Vinnie and Frankie the gangsters come into view.
"Got any sixes?"
"Go fish."
"You're lyin'."
"What?"
"You're lyin'. You got a six."
"You callin' me a liar?"
"I just said you were lyin'. Twice."
"Why, I oughta--"
The narrator jumps in and pulls a screen over this scene as well.
What are you all waiting around for, huh? Shoo, shoo!