- Autumn Leaves
by Camilla Sandman
Disclaimer: If I owed them, I'd give 'em to Carly to play with!! *g*
Author's Note: Sometimes a story demands to be written. This is such a story.
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Time is a strange thing. It's infinite, yet we always seem to run out of it when we don't want to. And when we want time to pass.. it seems to freeze. Seconds become hours, and hours become days.
My time is almost up.
I have spent my life looking for home. Home, I envisioned, was Earth, and as soon as we got back, my life would fall into place. If anything, it is more complicated, and I no longer have the escape of saying "when we get home.." We are home. But home had changed, and so had we.
Voyager had become our home.. and now they are probing and poking inside the ship to learn all that we have learned on the long journey through space. The ship is dying, and so am I.
I'm old now. 25 years it took us to get home, and I might feel older than I am.. but I have reached the final stages of my life. Not because I'm necessarily that old.. there are many older than me on the ship.. but because I feel old. Old in heart, old in soul, old in body, old in mind. The Great Purpose that had us all going, is no more. We are home. But home had changed, and we lost our one true home. Voyager.
I feel tired. Day and night, someone is there, asking about the Borg, or the Kazon, the Delta Quadrant, Kes.. I tell them again and again, but they never grew tired, always with new questions. So finally I snook out, into the cold September morning.
We had reached home in July, in summer, but now autumn had come, and the air was cold. I walked slowly through the garden, seeing how the once green now was dying. And yet it was beautiful to watch, warm colors defying the coming cold. So beautiful..
"Kathryn?" A warm voice greeted me, and I looked up to see my second-in-command.. my former second-in-command walk towards me.
"Chakotay," I muttered, realizing I had hardly seen him since we got back. He too had many questions to answer, but still.. I had always managed to keep him at a comfortable distance using reasonable excuses such as protocol and concerns for the crew.
What happens when an excuse is no more?
He fell into a slow pace walking beside me, and for a while we said nothing. He looked peaceful, at ease, as if all concerns had been taken from him. I had a feeling they had come to me instead.
"I miss Voyager," he suddenly said, and I jumped at the sound of his voice so close to me.
"I miss it too," I said, biting my lower lip. Thousands of un-cried tears suddenly threatened to spill, and I had to fight to keep an even face. He sensed my reaction nevertheless, gently taking my hand.
"Kathryn.. you promised to get us home. And you did it. You got us home.."
"No.. this doesn't feel like home," I whispered.
"Home is where you make it," he answered simply, looking up at the sky, "we made Voyager our home. Now we must make this our home again."
"I'm tired, Chakotay. I feel old."
"You aren't old," he said with a smile, stroking my chin.
"I am," I answered simply, "it's like.." I looked at him, trying to find the words to explain to him what I meat, and I was struck my the intensity of his gaze. It felt warm, loving.. This man had never stopped loving me, despite it all. And suddenly I realized.. neither had I.
"I've had my spring and my summer, Chakotay," I finally said, taking his other hand. We stood under the trees, and he just looked at me, waiting for me to speak.
"I think this is autumn, and the winter awaits us." He nodded slowly, knowing the unspoken meaning of winter. Death.
"Winter is death," I added nevertheless, "but autumn.. autumn is the most beautiful season of them all." He stared at me, his dark eyes a mirror of confusion.
"It's like.. it knows death is coming, and so it lives even more. Just look at the leaves, once green, now flashes yellow, red and orange and.. they are so beautiful, Chakotay." I paused, lowering my head. It was cold, I could feel the wind rush right through me. Crisp air. Autumn had truly come.
"Autumn leaves," he said, and I looked up, astonished. He had understood.
"Autumn leaves," he said again, a small smile forming on his lips.
My time is almost up. What remains can still be used to the fullest
"Yes," I muttered, leaning towards him, "autumn leaves."
Fini
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