Part 4 - The Next Morning
I can't move. I've never been this sore in my life. My head is killing me, my neck aches, even my legs hurt. I know it's daylight, I can feel the sun, but I can't open my eyes, and I can't seem to move. I try to stretch, but I simply…can't. My whole body is in pain; I feel like I'm shoved inside the trunk of a car. Have I been kidnapped by the mob? Maybe I just need more sleep.
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My head, I have to take some aspirin. I have to open my eyes. The room is spinning. Where am I? This isn't home. This is…I'm not sure, but it's not home. I need to sit up. I need to find out where I am. I need to find out who's underneath me. I need to find out what time it is. Should I be in the office today? What day is it? Maybe a few more minutes…
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I have to get out of bed. I feel like I'm dying. I have to get to the kitchen where my aspirin is. I hope I had a very odd dream last night. I'm sure I didn't do the things I remember doing. Maybe I'll take a quick nap.
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Something is one top of me. I'm not sure what it is, but it's very soft. I think it's a person. I should open my eyes and see who it is. It's probably Amy. No, she's heavier than this. If it is her, maybe she'd get me some aspirin; probably not. I think I'm dying. I think I need more sleep.
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I very carefully sit up. Things are somewhat out of focus, so I lean my head back and close my eyes for a few more minutes. Finally I lift my head and look around. I'm at CJ's. Well, that's ok, I guess. There's Josh on the couch; he's snoring a little. Someone's on top of him. I know who it is, but I'm denial right now. I wonder if they…they wouldn't. Would they? No, not with me right here. I need a little more sleep. I'll just lean back and close my eyes.
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Help. I'm not going to make it. I would feel better if someone would simply cut my head off; I'm sure of it. I open one eye. That's all I can do for now. I see what looks to be blonde hair on my chest. Not only that, but my hand is in it and it's very soft. I'm no idiot; I know its Donna on top of me. I should wake her and sit up, but I'd rather lie here and pretend to be asleep so I can keep my hand in her hair and my other hand on her back. Maybe I'll just rest some more.
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I open my eyes, which takes several minutes. I'm at CJ's, but where is she? I look at my watch. It hurts to concentrate. It's 8:15. There's what looks to be an empty bottle of wine and four glasses on the coffee table. Did we get drunk here last night? I don't remember that. I remember going to Mac's with CJ. I look down and am not all that surprised to see that I'm on top of Josh. He has one hand in my hair and one on my back. It feels nice. Well, as nice as anything can feel right now. I think I'll stay this way a little longer. I'll just close my eyes and put my hand on his chest. He's all warm…
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I know where it is. It's on top of the microwave in the kitchen. It's a big bottle and it's calling my name. CJ, come take me. I'll make you feel better. I sit up. It's not easy to do with the room moving around me so quickly. I look at the clock. It says 9:30. It's Sunday, right? I'll just sleep a little longer.
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"Donna."
"Who's there?" She hasn't opened her eyes.
"It's Josh."
"You're warm." She's croaking. I don't think she'd appreciate me telling her that she sounds like a frog, so I'm not gonna mention it.
"What time is it?"
She looks at her watch. "10:05. Do we have to go in the office?"
"No. It's Sunday."
I can tell she's willing herself to move her head to look at me. When she finally does, she smiles. Her breath is vile, but she's beautiful. I haven't moved my hands from her hair or her back, and she hasn't moved her hand from my chest. "Then let's go back to sleep for a little while."
"Ok. Do you remember last night?"
"A little. You?"
"Some."
"Did Amy really throw your cell phone in something she was cooking?"
"Yes, go to sleep."
"Ok."
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I pick my head up from the back of whatever I'm sitting on and look over at Josh and Donna. Josh's eyes are open and he's looking at her like she's a figment of his imagination. "I'm never drinking whiskey again, and I'm blaming all of this on you."
"How many did we have?"
"I have no idea. I'm sore."
He turns his head towards me. "Where did you sleep?"
"Here."
"On that?"
"Yeah, why."
"It's small." I look at what I'm sitting on. It's a loveseat, kind of. It's very small, really more like an oversized chair.
"No wonder I'm so sore."
"I need aspirin."
"Me too, but I can't move."
"Me either."
"Did you kill Mike Casper last night?"
"I don't think so."
"Oh, that's good. I think I need more sleep."
"Me too."
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Maybe if I call 9-1-1, they'll bring me aspirin. I think someone's here; I can hear whispering out in the living room. Someone must be robbing me. I should defend myself, but I can't move. Did I blackmail Amy last night? Why do they call it blackmail? It's not black, and it's not mail. Maybe I'll just close my eyes and get a little rest.
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"Josh, I need aspirin," I whisper as I rub circles on his chest. I know he's awake, because he's doing the same to my back. I really like it.
"Me too."
I snuggle into him some more and put on my innocent voice. "Could you go get us some?" He tries to sit up and can't.
"I can't get up," he mumbles. "Where are we?"
"CJ's."
"Where's she?"
"Don't know."
"Does she even have aspirin?"
"Don't know."
"You have to let me up."
"But I'm comfortable."
"Me too. You're soft."
"Sam, are you awake?" I turn my head and look in his direction. He opens his eyes carefully and looks at me.
"What do you want?"
"Aspirin."
He hauls himself off the loveseat, sways for a few seconds and then stands still. Once he's stable, he says, "I'll go." He stumbles his way into the kitchen and I can hear him looking through cupboards. A minute later, I hear the water from the sink and then he stumbles back into the living room with a bottle of Tylenol and a glass of water. He hands the bottle of pills to me and I open it, take out a few and hand them to Josh. He takes them with a drink of the water, then hands me the glass. I take a few and hand them back to Sam. "Thanks Sam."
"Welcome. What time is it?"
"10:45. Go back to sleep."
"Ok. Can I ask you something?" I look at him and raise my eyebrows. "Did you hit on Amy last night?"
"I don't remember. I guess I might have hit her, but I'm sure I didn't hit on her."
"Ok. I'm gonna sleep now."
"Ok."
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"Donna. Donna, are you awake?" I have to ask her something.
"Hmm."
"Donna?"
"What Josh?"
"Do you really lose all your inhibitions once you get in the bedroom?"
"What?"
"Never mind; I don't really know what I'm talking about."
"Did I call you from Mac's and tell you I was going to blackmail Amy."
"Yeah."
"And did I tell you not to tell you?"
"Yeah."
"I think I poisoned CJ's plant."
"Ok."
"Yes."
"Yes, what?"
"Yes, I lose all my inhibitions in the bedroom."
"Oh, ok."
"Go back to sleep."
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"I'm so uncomfortable." I can't get comfortable. I can't get up. I'm doomed to die on this fucking loveseat.
"Shh. Donna's sleeping."
"This is too small."
"Lay on the floor."
"No, it's too hard."
"Suck it up, Sam."
"Can I ask you something?"
"No, I didn't kill Mike Casper."
"Ok, first, you're not sure about that are you?"
"No, but I'm pretty sure."
"Second, that's not what I was going to ask."
"Oh. What?"
"Did you fondle me in a bar last night?"
"That's what you were going to ask. First, you ask if I killed someone, then you ask if I fondled you?"
"Ok, I'm just asking."
"Is there something you want to tell me?"
"You're really sick, you know that?"
"Yes."
"I'm going back to sleep."
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"Where are you going?"
"I'm going to look for CJ. Be quiet. Sam's asleep."
"But, you're warm. You're like a blanket."
"I'll be back." I look at my watch again. It's 11:30.
"Ok."
"Did you tell me I have beautiful hair last night?"
"Probably."
"Ok. Just checking." I push myself off Josh and stand for a second, trying to get my bearings. It's harder to keep my eyes open while I'm standing, so I close them and head for her room. I take the half empty glass of water and the Tylenol with me. I feel the need to keep them both close. I stumble through the living room, tripping over someone's shoes and then walking into the wall. I finally find her room and open my eyes. She's in her bed. I flop down on the other side.
"CJ?"
"Don't take the stereo."
"CJ, it's Donna."
"Donna?"
"Yes."
"Donna, I'm going to die if I don't take some aspirin."
"I have Tylenol. Will that work?"
"You're an angel. Sent to me from God."
"I even have water."
"An angel." She sits halfway up and takes a few Tylenol.
"CJ. Did I try to kill Amy Gardner last night?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Did I rig Amy Gardner's car last night?"
"I don't think so."
"So, she's ok then?"
"As far as I know."
"Ok, I'm going to sleep for a while now."
"Ok. Me too."
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"She left me Sam." I'm still lying very still. If she comes back, I want her to lie back down with me. If I'm sitting up, she'll just sit next to me. I must be feeling better, I'm beginning to formulate thoughts.
"She didn't leave you."
"Sam, did we threaten Amy last night?"
"We're not in the mob."
"Ok. But Amy and I did break-up. Right?"
"Several times. I think you got her apartment."
"Just checking. I need more sleep."
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"Donna, wake-up. Someone's here."
"Sam and Josh are asleep in the living room."
"Oh, so they did come over."
"Yes."
"And we called Amy?"
"I don't know."
"Have you ever noticed that she doesn't move her mouth when she talks?"
"I hate her. If there's something bad about her, believe me, I've noticed it."
"Well, I think I told her that to her face."
"Was she here?"
"On the phone."
"Oh. Well I'm glad someone finally pointed it out to her."
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"You told Donna you love her."
"I did?"
"Yes."
"Did she tell me back?"
"Yes. Kind of."
"Kind of?"
"I think we made a list. We should look for it when we get up."
"A list?"
"Reasons you should break-up with Amy."
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"I told him?"
"Yes. And you sat on his lap most of the night."
"I slept with him too."
"You did? Oh…yuck!"
"CJ! I didn't sleep with him, sleep with him. I just slept with him. On the couch. Fully clothed."
"Oh, good. So, what happens now?"
"I don't know; I'm too hung over to think about it. Any way, there's still the Amy factor."
"Didn't they break-up last night?"
"I really have no idea."
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"So who pegged the name Satan?"
"I think you or I did at Mac's. It grew through the night."
"It's very good. I think I called her that on the phone."
"So did I."
"You talked to her too?"
"Yes. So did CJ. Donna too, I think."
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"A sword?"
"I distinctly remember something about a sword."
"How else?"
"Well, the car thing."
"Anything else?"
"There was something about the FBI. We were going to call Mike Casper."
"Really?"
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"She said she was coming back."
"She went to find CJ?"
"Yes. What if she and I dated?"
"Donna, right. Not CJ."
"Sam, are you still drunk?"
"No, I just wanted to make sure."
"Yes, Donna. What if she and I dated?"
"Well, Leo might kill you."
"Not to mention CJ."
"She'd definitely kill you."
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"You know, it wouldn't be the end of the world if you two dated."
"It would hurt his career."
"No it wouldn't. It's been too long."
"Too long?"
"Men don't have tawdry affairs with someone they've known for almost 5 years. They have affairs with women they pick up in bars."
"Or their assistants, who just happen to be 12 years younger than them."
"I think I can spin it."
"Really?"
"I'm pretty amazing."
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"You're going to have to call her."
"I know."
"It was spineless."
"I know. I have to apologize."
"Me too."
"You?"
"I think I read her the list."
"I don't remember this list you keep talking about."
"Hmm…maybe it was a dream."
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"I don't even know if he'd want to."
"Of course he wants to."
"He's dating Amy."
"I think they broke-up last night."
"Because of the mouth thing?"
"Something about her not bathing too."
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"Donna!"
"Don't yell. What time is it?"
"I don't know. Donna has a watch on. Donna! Come back to me!"
"Well that just sounded desperate."
"It did, didn't it?"
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"Prince Charming'is calling for you."
"I told him I'd come back."
"I'll come too. Just give me one minute."
"We're coming Josh! Hold on a sec!"
"That was really loud."
"So, you think he heard me?"
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"I'm going to stand now."
"Not me."
"Why?"
"I want Donna to lay with me again when she gets back."
"You mean lay on you?"
"Well, yeah."
"Ok. Oh shit."
"What?"
"I found the list."
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"Are you ready to move?"
"Yes."
"Ok, let's go. We'll take it slow."
"Ok."
"I should tell you something now, before we go out there."
"What?"
"I might have poisoned your plant."
"Sebastian?"
"You named your plant?"
"Well, I don't have any pets or, you know, kids. It's the only thing I'm responsible to keep alive."
"What about Gail?"
"I'm gonna tell you something I've never told anyone else."
"What?"
"I've had 3 Gail's."
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"Josh, sit up."
"Why?"
"The list."
"What about the list?"
"I found it."
"Just hand it to me."
"That's not going to be possible."
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"We're back. I see you haven't moved," says Donna as she walks in the room and looks at Josh.
"I was pretty comfortable before, I thought maybe…" he waves his arms between the two of them and she can't help but smile.
"Sit up." He pouts for a second and then sits up, giving her room to sit next to him.
"What's wrong Sam?" asks CJ as she walks into the room.
"CJ! Nothing. Nothing's wrong. Go back to bed."
"Why?" She follows his gaze to the wall. "What the…what the hell…Satan?"
"That's our new name for Amy," Sam says weekly. Donna and Josh look over at him and then notice the wall as well.
"So we wrote it in huge letters across my wall?" She says and sits down next to Sam on the loveseat.
"Well, actually, I think it's Donna's handwriting."
"Sam!" Donna yells.
"Sorry. I don't want CJ to hit me."
CJ reaches over and smacks him in the back of the head. "Your plan didn't really work too well, did it Spanky?"
"Not so much, no."
"So, Satan…"
"Yeah, Josh and I came up with it in the bar."
"Hmm… fits pretty well," she laughs.
"That's the list you've been talking about?" asks Josh as he reads over the wall. "The one we'd have to look for?"
"That's the list."
They all look over the list for a few minutes. CJ is the first to speak. "I think number 7 is mine."
Sam nods. "Number 9 is mine. Josh, is number 6 true?"
"No, but number 8 is very true."
"Donna," Sam asks. "Which one is yours?"
"Number 4," she says quietly, staring directly at the wall, refusing to look at Josh.
"Oh…right. Josh?"
Josh takes Donna's hand in his. "Number 3."
"I need to spin, don't I?" asks CJ.
"Yeah," they both answer, still looking at the wall.
AMY GARDNER: SATAN
1. Josh is dating Amy
2. Josh hates Amy
3. Josh loves Donna
4. Donna loves Josh
5. Amy's voice is monotone
6. Amy doesn't bathe
7. Amy doesn't open her mouth when she talks
8. Amy can't cook
9. Amy destroyed government property