o n c e · u p o n · a · t i m e
c h a p t e r · xiii : h e a d · o v e r · h e e l s
Sakura struggled to get to her feet. She knew this was stupid. She shouldn't have been up and about already. She should've been lying on her stomach on her pallet, resting. Her back was covered with weeping wounds, and her dressings needed time to set. But still she forced herself to stand. She swayed a little and sat down quickly, head in hands.
She needed to think.
It was past midday. Sonomi and Meiling had gone somewhere. Tomoyo was occupied with the sewing upstairs in her chamber. Meiling's room would be deserted and empty. She could lift a gown from there...
She had to see Syaoran. She had to tell him the truth. Enough was enough, she decided vehemently. I can't keep this up. Sooner or later he's bound to find out. Might as well cut his losses and tell him now...
Who cared if it felt like a dagger to the heart, twisting and twisting away? Who cared if it meant that by being honest, Sakura was throwing away the one thing in her life that gave her true joy?
He's the crown prince, she reminded herself. What chance did I ever have? It was all a lie, all of it. And after I tell him the truth, he'll hate me. Maybe even marry Meiling.
Just the thought of it caused her eyes to prickle dangerously. She rubbed them aggressively. No more crying. She'd done enough for one day. And for what reason? This stupid, fickle, airy obsession she'd developed for the prince. One happy night. That was all she had. And if that was enough to cause her so much pain...
I'm better off without it, Sakura told herself firmly. There's no way that I can be – in love with the prince. I have to tell him that. I have to end this before I lose my mind...
She made her way slowly down the sharp slope of the ravine, just bordering the Daidouji estate. She had taken the liberty of borrowing one of Meiling's gowns, deciding that the demure maroon hue would be sufficient to mask the scars on her back. Her feet, hidden from view, were clad in her own sturdy work shoes. No one would see them...
She could see the ruins, just a little further down. An ancient building had once stood here, and its remains were scattered hither and thither. Faint outcrops of browning stone were slowly consumed by furry green mosses and creeping fronded weeds. The trees grew tall, the grass and wildflowers thick and savage. The whole place was wild and untamed. But Sakura admired it all the same.
She had never been down here. Not since her father died. Before – it had been a favourite hiding spot of hers, a recluse when Suki chased her with a mop for dirtying her shoes or fist-fighting with Yamazaki. She would race down the slope, quick as lightning, and scurry up her favourite tree. She'd hide in its branches, maybe with a book for company and lunching on the sweet fruit the tree bore...
Sakura smiled wistfully as she laid a palm on her old favourite tree, a sturdy apple tree in the midst of cedars and poplars. It had grown so tall, she wondered if she could still climb it. Then, her back gave a warning twinge, and she remembered why she was here. Her stomach curled into a knot.
I'll wait there for you all day...
He was here, somewhere. Sakura tried to imagine a younger Syaoran, maybe thirteen years of age, maybe practicing martial arts somewhere by the stony walls, or dangling upside down off a branch, or swimming in the lake...
She wondered when he had started to use these ruins as a recluse. Had he been there when she was younger? Maybe watching her scurry up a tree, nimble as a squirrel as he hid in the reeds? Had they unknowingly shared their childhood with the same trees, the same grass, the same worn out stony ruins...?
There was a slight crunch a slight distance behind her. Sakura turned around slowly.
He was standing there, as though he had been there the whole time. His serious amber eyes watched her, as though she was the only thing that existed in the world. His chestnut hair was windswept, as always. He was dressed simply, the soles of his shoes coated with mud. There was a small smile on his lips.
"Hello," he said simply.
Sakura blushed, the memory of the last night flooding her overwhelmingly.
"Hello," she returned, clasping her hands in front of herself.
"I was worried that you wouldn't come," he said, taking a step forward. "Are you well?"
Sakura nodded, words abandoning her. Her mind was screaming at her to tell him the truth immediately, but her heart, her stupid foolish oaf of a heart, was melting with joy at the mere sight of him. And with that look on his face – it made her ache even more inside, knowing that he had waited for her because he loved her. And at the same time, he only loved her because he thought she was Countess Nadeshiko Amamiya. Not Sakura. And how it hurt, to know that he would never love Sakura, never wait all day in an overgrown ravine for Sakura, never kiss Sakura the way he had kissed Nadeshiko...
Then, without warning, her mouth found words which she blurted out before her mind could process them.
"I am not myself today," she confessed.
Syaoran took another step forward, chuckling lightly. The sound of his deep laughter echoed in the base of Sakura's skull, numbing her all over. It felt as though her senses had been replaced by foaming, spritzing ale. It was a most curious, wonderful and unsettling feeling.
"It's such a feeling, isn't it?" he said with a sigh, taking yet another leisurely step forward. "I feel as though my skin is the only thing keeping me from going everywhere at once. So restless, so anxious...but at the same time, so calm."
He was barely two steps away from her.
Say it, Sakura's mind urged. Say it before it's too late.
"S – Syaoran," she stuttered, feeling herself grow tongue-tied as his intense amber gaze swept over her. "There's something I have to tell you."
"And I you," he answered, surprising her. He closed the distance between them and took her hand in his.
Physical contact was the last thing Sakura needed at the moment. The instant his hand touched hers, a thousand different sensations erupted, from the tips of her fingers to where Syaoran's hand carefully held her own. She was losing control. She was losing herself...
"I cannot stay long," she broke out. "I don't have much time."
"Time?" Syaoran asked gently. "Time waits for no one. It is up to you, to choose to scurry after it, panting like a fool, or measure your life by your own choices. What may seem a short while can actually be a whole life to live."
He pressed his lips to her fingers, his actions still governed by gentlemanly restraint.
"But I no longer imagine living it alone," he said softly. Amber met green, and hearts raced faster. Sakura was dizzy. Her head was no longer attached to her body -
Control! Her mind shouted. You're losing your chance! Tell him now!
"You're not making this easy," she said weakly, thinking of all she still had to say to him. Wishing with all her heart that she had never taken up the disguise of Countess Amamiya, or had ever met him, or had ever gone through that long day and that long night with him... It would have been easier for her if she had just told him the truth in the beginning. That way, she wouldn't be feeling this pain, this guilt -
"I had a revelation last night," Syaoran spoke softly. "It's more a project, inspired by you. Your passion, your ideals..."
He wasn't listening to her. He had fallen in too deep.
"I used to think that if I started to care about one thing, I'd have to care about everything," he continued. "But after meeting you...seeing you...knowing you...I've begun to believe that I can. I'm not just some lost boy in the woods anymore. I've found my purpose and I feel the – most – wonderful – freedom."
Tears sprung to Sakura's eyes. There was no way she could – she couldn't tell him – she should – but she couldn't be that cruel.
"It wasn't me," she whispered, as his hands moved up her arms to rest on her shoulders. He leaned in close, resting his forehead against hers. Savouring the feeling of their bodies pressed close together, the feel of her dewy skin against his cheek, her breath tickling his neck, her heart beating against his...
"Nadeshiko," he said, and Sakura felt her heart break, longing for him to say her name and knowing that he never would, "you are the singularly most amazing woman I have ever met. And tonight, at the ball, I'll make it known to the world."
Sakura fought a sob, pressing her face into his neck. Help me...she thought desperately. There's no way out! Even the truth can't save me now...
"Why...?" she fought for her voice, gasping for breath, "Why did you have to be so wonderful?"
Why? Why couldn't he have been like any other prince? Cold and conceited and selfish and superficial... Why did he have to be a perfect match for her, in every single way?
Syaoran shook his head, smiling, and wiped the tears off of her face.
"Now," he said gently, cupping her face with his hands, "what was it you wanted to tell me?"
Tell him, Sakura's mind urged. This is your last chance. Tell him that this is all a lie -
She couldn't do it. She was brave and strong, but not nearly enough to look into the loving, hopeful eyes of Prince Syaoran and shatter the bright world of aspirations she had made for him. There was no way she could bring herself to destroy him like that. And she was afraid. So afraid. Of his anger and his sheer hopelessness and she didn't want to give him up. But she had to tell him. She had to -
"Just that," she choked, hating herself more and more as each second passed, "that night – was the happiest night of my life."
There. She had sealed her doom and his happiness. They were in head over heels, and they couldn't stop -
Syaoran leaned in closer, pulling her tightly against him and touching his lips to hers.
Sakura saw stars dancing in front of her eyes as he kissed her. She couldn't resist, but she knew she should. She hated herself for enjoying this, hated herself for yielding to him. Hated herself as she parted her lips and allowed him access to the inside of her mouth. She despised herself as she wrapped her arms around his neck and felt his arms encircle her waist tight, as though he would never let go. Her fingers toyed with his unruly hair, her body was melting into his as his mouth worked hers into a kiss that was making her insides shudder with pleasure and want. His hands began to wander, from her waist back up to her shoulders and then down -
"Ah!"
Sakura let out a gasp of pain as his hands brushed her bandaged, beaten back. Breaking away from him suddenly, she stood stock still, breathing heavily. Regaining her surroundings. Trying to tell up from down, and blinking the stars out of her eyes.
Her guilt intensified as she saw him standing there, so close to her, his eyes suddenly filled with concern and pain and so much love. She couldn't keep doing this to him. To herself. To both of them.
"I have to go," she said, averting her eyes and turning away from him. It didn't matter where she went. Just as long as it was away from him.
Syaoran glanced at her, confused. Was she...running away?
"Wait!" he called, dashing after her. "Wait!"
Sakura felt tears slide down her face as she sped up her pace. She could hear his footsteps drawing nearer and nearer.
"Nadeshiko!" he cried, just behind her.
Sakura froze and whipped around. Unable to take the hurt anymore.
"No," she said, tears falling harder and faster down her face. Not Nadeshiko. Sakura.
Syaoran froze, trying to understand the myriad of emotions he saw running in Nadeshiko's tear-filled eyes. What was it she wanted to tell him? What secret was causing her so much pain? There was something unsettling in her giant green eyes as she stared at him, conveying so much and saying absolutely nothing at all -
The words were on her lips, ready to form off the tip of her tongue.
And then she saw hurt in his eyes. He was hurt. She had hurt him before even saying a word.
"Nadeshiko..." he repeated, almost pleadingly.
And it was to this Sakura's resolve finally surrendered to. She shook her head, turning on her heel and dashed away as fast as she could, leaving the prince far behind.
A sob escaped her lips. She slowed down gradually, her run turning into strides, which then turned into aimless, disconnected steps. Looking around to make sure she was alone, she seated herself on an overturned tree trunk and buried her head in her hands, crying softly.
Not Nadeshiko. Sakura.
How could she ever tell him now?
D i s c l a i m e r : I own nothing familiar. Even most of the dialogue came from the movie this time around. -sigh-
A / N : There we go. An entire chapter devoted to Sakura and Syaoran's little dilemma. And sorry to my readers: I give you a supremely depressing chapter 12, make you wait for over a month, and then give you a supremely depressing chapter 13. I'm horrible!
Well, actually, warning in advance, the next few chapters are going to get quite angsty. Because we're nearing the climax of the story. I anticipate that within the next three chapters, the truth will be out:O
I'm aiming to finish this story by the end of August. Let's hope I can make it! (Then again, this chapter was supposed to be longer, but then I just decided to leave it SxS-centred. If I introduced Sonomi in here, I'd be slitting my wrists by the end of the chapter. And no one wants that :D )
Thank you to my lovely reviewers! As always, you make my day so much brighter when you review. Bear with me however: I'm working like crazy trying to repost Undercover back to its original fourteen-chaptered length (I believe?) and trying to finish the final instalment of BLACK, which has been in the working for over two years right now. Plus, I'm starting a couple of new fics, which I won't release until after I finish this and BLACK.
Information about updates and chapter status is always posted on my profile, as well as snippets of forthcoming chapters and ficcies. Exciting? Check there for update information - I usually update it more often than I do my fics :3
R.S.V.P! (Review, S'Il Vous Plait!)
-Celestiana