((A/N: Another attempt at a Shounen-Ai/Yaoi fic. It's probably gonna not be so good, but I really wanna write it. Well, I really just wanna write a CloudxZack fic. I love that couple.... they're so adorable...anyways I'll write now! Please Read an' Review))

Another night alone.

How often was it this same old hurt, resting in the pit of Cloud Strife's stomach? How often did he feel alone and rejected? And for the simple fact that the one he loved was a First Class SOLDIER.

He knew, in his heart of hearts, Zack never asked for the assignments. He knew that First Class SOLDIERs, especially ones like Zack, were hard to find and needed more than the rest. Yet it still hurt. Every night he went to the apartment and found the usual array of hastily discarded civilian clothes and missing uniform a familar pain settled in.

He pulled the overstuffed down comforter around himself, longing for a warmth deeper than it would provide. He had no idea when Zack would return, and in the back of his mind even if. Cloud knew the danger of some missions... every mission with the AVALANCHE terrorist group at large now.

He shuddered at the mere thought as reached for the remote control and clicked on the small color television a few feet in front of him. Some old black and white Christmas special was showing - The kind everyone had seen a hundred times at least and recognized at once. A new chill set in his stomach.

The holidays were supposed to be a time for being together with the ones you love. Or at least that's what Cloud took the as. Perhaps he was wrong, and they really were just another ploy by big business and marketing to get his money.

Well... it was successful.

Cloud had dished out close to two thousand gil on gifts for Zack. Pretty much every thing he could find that would remotely interest his slightly older lover : A few books, some movies, and the special materia orb that cost most of his money.

As far as he knew, it had no real use. But in that way, it was completely unique. An old peddler in Kalm town was selling it for 1200 gil, and something about it called out to Cloud. The perfect, endless black of the orb was mesmorizing, and he knew it was something Zack would like.

"Stupid fucking Christmas." Cloud murmered under his breath as he switched through the channels. It was Christmas eve... every channel would have its host of Christmas specials. Tears burned at his eyes, a whole new wave if disappointment setting over him. He missed Zack more than on any other night. He'd braced himself for the paint he knew he would feel, but it still hurt just as much.

It hurt even more. He couldn't help but hurt, even as he willed the pain to go away. He begged the invisible tormenter, which he named as his cold, breaking heart. Why was it breaking? Zack had no control over when he would be called away. He kept reminding himself this, but a part of him screamed at him.

A hurt, rejected part of his heart told him that he was only being used. That Zack was spending the night with another... someone he truely loved. Perhaps Sephiroth.

Sephiroth. The very name caused Cloud to cringe. He knew vaugely of the relationship he'd once shared with the man he now called his love. Zack never went into details, but was sure Sephiroth had simply discarded him for a time, and would eventually call him back.

Maybe Sephiroth was lonely too.

Maybe the one that seemed to be such a heartless demon actually had a soul, feelings, a heart like the rest of them. Maybe he was hurting and needed Zack at his side. But more than Cloud did right now? He doubted it.

But now his mind was sure that Zack was there, spending the night with the Silver-haired General. The one who could kill a man with a flick of his wrist. He was sure that this was the one Zack desired... not some scrawny recruit who couldn't take down even a marlboro if his life depended on it.

The tears fell.

Burning hot and one at a time they trickled down his cheeks. Cloud felt they were singing a trail, they burnt so white-hot. Why was he always the one left behind? The one who would always be rejected, discarded, left alone to deal with his pain? Why was it always him?

Outside he heard a stomping of boots approaching from the far end of the hall. His heart raced in unwanted anticipation, and Cloud willed it back, turning up the TV until he could no longer hear it. It would just be someone else, home for the holiday with their own loved ones, going into their own home with a smile on their face.

More tears came as the footsteps became louder. The volume went up again. Hope started rising and falling again. Zack wouldn't be home. Why was he even hoping it? Just setting himself up for another disapointment.

Why did he bother hoping?

The thought scared him. He'd once heard, though he couldn't recall where, that if one lost hope all else would soon follow.

What was wrong with him? When had he started feeling like this?

The sound was approaching again and he finally turned off the television, succumbing to the flow of boiling tears. The steps pounded in his head, haunting him. He urged them to reach their home so he would no longer be cursed with the sound of them, stomping along without consideration for anyone else.

They did.

Cloud's heart stopped as he heard the doorknob turning and the door creaking open. There was always that little squeak as opened. Zack was there. Cloud was sitting there, sobbing into a big blanket like a little girl. He'd probably turn and leave.

"Cloud" the familiar voice called, "You here?" Cloud huddled in the blanket, somehow thinking that if he did this Zack wouldn't notice him... wouldn't see how weak he really was.

"Y-yeah..." his voice cracked a little as he spoke and his cheeks went violent shades of red. Soon Zack would be by his side, like whenever he came home. He'd shed his shoes and probably his shirt, then join him on the couch.

Zack frowned as he did just as Cloud had predicted. His snow-covered boots had been shed near the front door, and he was now tossing his jacket and shirt across the room into a corner already piled with two or three of the same.

"What's up?" he asked, a bit of concern in his face. Cloud's head peeked out of the blanket, and he instantly recognized the the pink in his eyes and the half-dried rivers on his cheeks.

"Nothing..." Cloud said a little to quickly, looking away in some last hope that Zack wouldn't notice the tears.

"You were crying." He stated simply, taking his usual seat next to Cloud and turning the boy to face him. He wiped away the remaining wet streaks with his thumb, a deeper concern in his eyes now.

"My eyes were just watering.... I think I must be coming down with a cold or something." his cheeks flushed as they always did when he lied - something Zack had long since learned.

"Try again, babe." his voice was soft and kind and he made no moves to run out. Why had Cloud even thought he would do something like that? Maybe it's what he would've done if he was stronger... if Zack was the needy and weak one. He hated himself for being this way, even if it was only in his thoughts.
"I just.... thought you wouldn't be here." he whispered, looking down. There was more to it than this, but it wasn't important that he said this. He didn't need to sound any worse than he already did, crying just over Zack not being home for Christmas. It was just some stupid holiday... it really didn't mean anything at all. Then why did it hurt so much more than usual?

"That's it?" Zack asked skeptically. He'd known, and loved, Cloud for close to a year now, and never before had him being called away had such an effect on him. Or had it? Had he just never seen it before? Had Cloud been crying alone every time he had to leave?

"It's Christmas Eve." Cloud said with a shrug, "And you promised we'd spend the day together. I know it's stupid... it's not like you have any control over when they call you or something. I'm just being stupid." he grumbled, inwardly kicking himself. Why did he have to break down like that? Zack would never intentionally hurt him, and now he would have to go through that very lecture. He'd been upset by him before, and it was always the same 'I didn't ask to have to go' talk. He felt like a child whenever he heard it, and perhaps that's all Zack saw him for because of it.

"I'm sorry." It was the first time Zack had apologized to Cloud, though he thought now that he should have long ago. One night couldn't have sparked this by itself. "I asked for the day off, but it's only a formality. You know that. They don't give a damn if you're off or on..." he sighed, "But I shouldn't have gone. I could've taken a few points... done some overtime later on...." it wasn't entirely true. He would probably endure quite a punishment for refusing a mission, but it wasn't as if they would kick him out for one stupid thing.

"It doesn't matter." Cloud flashed him a smile. It mattered. God, how it mattered. But that wasn't important right now. He didn't want Zack to feel guilty about something he couldn't change, "You're still here now, so it's not like you were gone for Christmas itself or something." It didn't cheer Zack up, though. What was close to a year of idocy on his part was catching up to him. There was no way he'd be able to make it up to him. No way he could make things right after this. He was constantly hurting him, and it dug hard into his heart.

"It does matter. And I know it's not just today... it's every time it's happened since we've been together. Don't think I don't know it's not just tonight. I'm an asshole for making promises. I know from the start there's no way I can actually keep them.... I don't think I'm fit for this relationship." he finally muttered, this truth hitting him hard. He couldn't give Cloud what he needed, no matter how hard he tried. Just loving the boy wasn't gonna do shit for him. He needed support - and that he was unfit to provide.

"No." Cloud whispered, a sudden pain ravaging his heart. Zack was leaving him... he was right. Every seemingly unfound fear was right. Zack was leaving him, "No..." he repeated, the tears coming back. They burnt down his cheeks, white hot again. He would be alone again... he couldn't take it. He knew he couldn't.

"It's for your own good, Cloud." Zack whispered, pain in his eyes as he stood. Cloud's body trembled as he stood. This was his que to leave, of course. Christmas Eve, and Zack had dumped him. Left him alone for Christmas.

"You have no idea what's good for me, then." Cloud whispered, stumbling out of the apartment. He left his coat, the gifts, even his boots there. His feet were bare other than a pair of socks, but it didn't occur to him even as he reached the lobby and after that the square.

The cold would've been shocking and the pain on in his bare limbs unbarable had he not found himself completely numb. The Shinra dorms were on the opposite side of the square, and snow clung eagerly to Cloud's tight T shirt and jeans, melting when they touched his skin.

It took a full ten minutes to even reach the building, and another five to get up to his dorm. He walked in and collapsed onto his bed, not even bothering to shed the wet clothes. He drifted into a state of unconciousness within moments, his door wide open.

((A/N: Of course there will be another chapter, but I doubt there will be any more beyond that. This is just a little ficlet thingy that I decided I'd do since I'm dying of boredom and lack of peoplage.))