6H:Hey guys! I came up with this as I was eating dinner!

Anaretsu: Must be all the salt you put on your rice...

6H:It's a humor fic!

Anaretsu: Dear god, no...

6H:Ansem gets his own show!!! What chaos will ensue? I don't know! READ!!!

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It's Ansem's Show!!!

By The Six of Hearts

Chapter 1-Let's start!!

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The door to the recording room opened slowly as he walked in-an imposing figure with long silver hair and tanned skin. He had a whole stack of letters from people seeking advice from him. Yes it's true-Ansem had his own talk show about trying to help people with their troubles. Strange as it was, he felt he needed to make improvments in his life, like getting his damn coffee maker to work right...

"Guardian, come out here!" he called to the dark corner. And there came out his guardian that had frustrated many a warrior. "Guardian, if there is a letter I do not like, I want you to eat it! That is your new task." he told the shadow. It looked at him kind of weird, but then nodded. Ansem sat down in the swivel chair and put on the headphones, ready to start his show. He got the ready light from his crew and heard the intro music.

"Hello everyone and welcome to my show. Today I have many letters that you've been sending me over the past few days. Let's start with this one..." he pulled one out of the box. It was in a slightly crumpled envelope with sloppy handwritting.He opened it up and pulled out the letter. "Alright...

"Dear Ansem,

There is this guy I've known all my life who is really great. He protects me like I was his sister, and we get along really well. however, he is really depressed that he couldn't stop his world from beng destroyed, so he changed his name and sulks all the time. I really like him alot and want to help him out.What should I do?

Signed, A Helpful Ninja."

He was painfully aware of who had sent the letter, but just didn't say anything. "Well, Ninja, it appears that this person has lots of guilt, and there is really nothing you can do to stop that. However, if you give him time and stop crowding him and leave him alone for a damn mintue, he will somehow come around and start using the right name. Our next letter..." he reached into his magic box and pulled out a new letter. It was on ratty paper that seemed like it had been carried around for awhile and come from a far away place.

"Dear Ansem,

I am the almighty keyblade master!!! (Yeah!!!) I not only have great pals but a wonderful girlfriend. However, my girlfriend is stuck on my home island and I am stuck in a neverending field that only leads me to a castle where all my memories disappear. To stop the aching pain of missing her, I decided to try and pick up other girls. There are very few girls to be had here, and the ones I do find are always scared off by my two pals. Now, these guys have stayed by me no matter what, but they're kind of old and out of style. How should I tell these guys that they're my friends, but they're cramping my style?

Signed, the Almighty Keyblade Master."

'Great...'Ansem thought, thinking about his past enemy and arch rival. He sighed and decided to just stay calm and stick with the program. "Well, master, it seems that you have quite a problem. First of all, you shouldn't be cheating on your girlfriend, even if it is just because you miss her. So if you can, please stop trying to pick up girls. And about your friends, it's better to tell the truth then having it come out later after a bunch of lies. Believe me, I know. I lied to a whole WORLD of people, and then sent them all into oblivion for it. Heh heh...I mean, anyway, you should tell them that even though they're your friends, they are worthless sleezebags that can't do anything right and you'd be better off without them!" He crumpled up the paper and threw it to his guardian in the back of the room. It looked at it, poked it, and then, hesitantly, chewed it up and swallowed it, the nastly taste of paper sticking in his throat.

"Dear Ansem,

GIVE BACK BELLE. NOW!!!!!!!!!" Ansem rolled his eyes and threw the letter to his guardian again. "Moving on to our next troublesome, pathetic-I mean, aching soul....

"Dear Ansem,

I am an angsty teen who had a strong desire to leave my island to see other worlds. A man came, claiming to help me, so I opened myself to darkness and caused my world to disappear. However, this man did not help me at all. Instead, he put me in clothes that resembled skirts and dresses, gave me a horrible sounding voice and made me sound like a maniac who could talk about nothing but darkness. Although I am somewhat cured from this tragic event in my life, I have a MAJOR problem. I am afraid of anyone in a skirt or dress. This is having a huge impact on my love life. Please help me.

Signed, A Boy who Does NOT wear dresses."

'Oh damn...I knew taking over the boy was NOT a good idea...' he thought, rubbing his forehead. "Well, Ri-I mean boy...perhaps you are not cut out to date at all. Or maybe you can only like guys. The fanfiction authors certainly think so...However, I don't think this man you talk about is all that bad. He certainly did NOT put you in dresses. I think it was your overactive imagination playing tricks on you. Please think before you act next time..." he threw the letter to his guardian, who was nearly gagging from eating the gross paper.

"Well that is all the time I have for today. Please tune in tomorrow and send me your letters." he shut down the recording machine and looked back at his guardian, who was nearly barfing. "If you're going to do that, at least do it outside, guardian! Or I will ramble on and on about darkness!" The guradian looked frightened and disappear, going to vomit in the first flowerbed he saw. Ansem sighed and leaned back in his chair, only to have it fall backwards. He stayed sitting in his fallen chair, annoyed.

"Damn it...." he growled.

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6H:Did you like it?

Anaretsu: No.

6H:Anyway, I suppose you can guess who sent which letter, but in case you couldn't...

1-Yuffie

2-Sora

3-The Beast

4-Riku

6H:Next chapter-Sephiroth and Cloud need some help, and Kairi has a crisis!