Chapter 1

For the dimmer among you who have not realized from the clues given by the title and summary of this story that this is a Mary Sue PARODY, not some actual MS, let me say that I feel very, very sorry for you, you being stuck with your pitiful grasshopper brain and all. Its okay, we all thought like you when we were…um…about two.

Disclaimer: And the Lord said to Moses, let this disclaimer apply to any and all chapters Quicksilver Foxx writes. And Moses said to the Lord, "Fine. Wanna beer?"

If I owned Harry Potter, he would currently be handcuffed to my bed wearing a black silk thong and excessive amounts of body oil.

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Quicksilver is back again! This story came to be when I was researching the heinous subject of 's local population of Mary sues for material to send to Sassy Q so she could make her Mary Sue parody. Then, I thought to myself, Wow, this place is like, completely plighted by 1000 Mary sues! (direct quote, by the way.) So, then I realized that that would be a funny story and I decided to…

(Quicksilver rambles on about many things, including cheese, sex, England's prime minister, and limousines).

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Okay, I'll shut up now and go on with the story. Feh.

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Prologue

They were happily chatting in their private train compartment on the Hogwarts express, oblivious to the rainy grey world rushing past. Their peaceful banter was snapped when a large groan of distress tore through the conversation.

"What the hell, Harry! You burned off my eyebrows!"

Harry playfully smacked the grieving Ron's shoulder, and bit into an available cauldron cake. "That's what you get when you challenge the master of Exploding Snap!"

The compartment burst into giggles. "Pity, you were just growing them back from the last time you challenged him," Hermione said icily, annoyed by the constant chatting flowing around her as she tried to read 'Hogwarts, A History."

"Oh, come on, 'Mione, that's like the twentieth time you've read that book! How many times do you need to go over that eternal phrase…what was it?"

"YOU CAN'T APPARATE OR DISSAPARATE OUT OF HOGWARTS!" the group chanted in a false monotone, and burst into giggles again.

Hermione sighed and grumbled, but couldn't block out the teasing. Finally, she pulled out her wand, and muttered, "ebullio caput!" and a large, periwinkle bubble appeared over her head, thankfully blocking out all the unwanted chatter. She could read in peace.

"Wow, it's so cool to be going back again," Luna murmured dreamily, gazing out the window into the maelstrom of sleet outside. "I think I left my Crumpled Horn Snorkak tracker in my dorm over the summer…maybe that's why we didn't catch any…" She yawned widely and continued to read "Witch Weekly" upside down.

"Maybe you didn't catch any crumply horned pancakes because they don't EXIST!" Ginny snarled.

The phrase made a slight whizzzzz-pink! noise as it swooshed over Luna's head and hit the window above her.

"…Right…" Neville shrugged. "Ginny, you wanna play some chess?"

However, their setting up of the chessboard, assisted by Crookshanks who batted at the pieces, was interrupted when the glass door dramatically smashed into an ice storm of thousands of little crystals that went spraying everywhere. A dark figure loomed in the broken frame. It toppled through, revealing the face of…Draco Malfoy.

The shocked silence was broken by Hermione waving her wand and restoring the door. "Um, Draco?" Harry piqued up. "What the bloody hell are you doing in our compartment?"

"I dunno." He shrugged. "Crabbe and Goyle were making out in ours, so I had to leave or have my tender eyes burned out of my head."

Neville winced, and rubbed the scar he had on his head from the first year fistfight under the bleachers. "We see your point."

Harry was of a less understanding and forgiving nature. "Go away."

"No."

"Go away."

"No."

"Go away."

"No."

"Fine."

Draco gingerly sat on an available seat, next to Ginny. "So, what's up, Weasel? Found any knuts in the sewer lately?"

"No, but I found your mother, giving a rat a blowjob, Ferret."

"My mother? It was your sister! AUGH!"

At that comment, Ginny's eyes turned yellow and catlike. Her ruddy hair, with a big swoosh, shot straight up into the air, like a bushy flame, and she gave a high pitched whistle like a teapot. She began madly clawing at the air in front of Draco's face with the distinct attitude of a rabid raccoon.

All the color evaporated out of Draco's face. "Um, hehehe? Sorry? It was a joke! A good ole' joke between friends! No harm done, right? Waugh! Help!" He began babbling like a five year old.

Ron was the only one in the compartment who looked calm, and even slightly amused. "Oh, don't fret so much, ferret. She's just having a psychic prediction. It runs through the Weasly bloodline."

Hermione smirked. "We've never seen you turn into a mop headed badger before. Not that you already aren't, but…"

He turned red. "It goes through the females. You should see mom when she has them. Once, we were peacefully eating macaroni and cheese…"

Neville shook his arm and hissed. "Shut up! She's saying something!"

Ginny opened her mouth and gasped. "Evil…"

Instantly, the mood in the compartment turned from light to wary. "Hn? She's never had one like this before…mostly it's about the weather…" Ron looked puzzled.

"Beware, mortals, evil is here…something so horrible, the devil spat it back out…it is coming for you…it wants the Boy Who Lived…"

Harry was just as puzzled. "But we killed Voldemort last year! What else is there that wants to rip out my guts?" Suddenly, his face turned ashen. "Oh no," he breathed.

"What!? Tell us!"

"It can't be…not her!" He groaned and put his face in his hands.

"Who? WHO!?" his friends screamed at him.

"Jane…my muggle girlfriend. I broke up with her last week. She said she was going to give me such a blowjob, she'd chew my thingie off. I just couldn't deal with the horror anymore."

Hermione bashed him over the head with her twenty pound book. "Get a grip, will you? You're safe from muggles for the rest of the year!"

"Who else could it be?" he asked with much trepidation.

"It's close…it's coming closer…it wants you…it wants the boy who lived…"

"Gah! It's a monster!"

"No, it's a Death eater!"

"It's McGonagall! I knew she would be mad about that homework I forgot to turn in!"

"We're all gonna die!"

"It's CLOSER…"

"It's the giant squid!"

"It's CLOSER…"

"Nooo! Not Jane!"

"It's CLOSER!!!!!"

"Help! Mommy! I don't wanna die a virgin!"

"You're a virgin?"

"IT'S HERE!!!!!!!"

There was a silence. Ginny's eyes diluted back to normal, and her hair settled around her shoulders. She was asleep, and her head lolled over and rested against Draco's. The compartment watched her, terse, fearful.

There was a knock on the glass door.

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A collective breath was drawn, and the experienced Dark Arts fighters all drew out their wands, except for Draco, who was whimpering in his seat, curled up in the fetal position.

Ever so excruciatingly slowly, the door slid open. A hand from the other side crawled into view. The hand paused, and Harry saw a glimpse of French manicured nails. Time stopped, and his heart seemed to beat in slow motion.

With a sudden movement, the figure yanked the door open.

Ron and Luna shrieked, and Neville wet his pants. He quickly dried them though.

The figure of terror was not tall and dark, nor covered in ugly warts and scales or having a pair of black bat wings coming out of its back. It was not neon green or a slimy alien brain with cockroach minions.

A smiling girl bounced into the room. "Hi guys! My name is Indigo Ice Crystal Moon, and I just transferred to Hogwarts from America! Because of my superpowers, I'm in the same grade as you guys! You can call me Mary Sue for short."

Blinking, the friends put their wands back in their robes. "She doesn't look so evil," Neville muttered under his breath to Ron. "You never know," Ron replied darkly.

Mary Sue was lithe and thin, with a fully filled out figure, larger-than-average breasts, and creamy, blemish-free skin. She was wearing dark blue jeans and a light blue sparkly top, as well as black stiletto heels.

Her cloak was black satin, and looked as silky as her long hair, that was the color of midnight and ravens. The tips of her hair were blonde. Her lips were full and the color of crushed raspberries.

But her most stunning feature was her eyes. They were large and shiny, and the color of amethyst. They were as violet as grapes. They were as beautiful as the full moon. They were…

Okay, I'll shut up now.

She stood there smiling at Harry for around a minute. Getting uncomfortable, Neville muttered that she should take a seat, and she did, at the conveniently empty one next to Harry.

"So you're Harry Potter!" she exclaimed, looking at his scar. "I've heard a lot about you! We have a lot in common! I actually happen to be best friends with your log lost twin sister! We helped defeat Voldemort's uncle over in America. Well, that's one of the times I helped save the world. I know this really cool girl named Buffy who has a thing with vampires…I helped her out of a little spot, once or twice…" she laughed self consciously. "Well, maybe not a little spot, but you know what I mean, being a superhero and all…"

Draco looked a bit bewildered. "Um…Harry's not a superhero. Is he?" He looked puzzled.

Mary Sue turned to look at Draco for the first time. "You wouldn't know, ferret boy," she spat venomously. "Don't be so jealous of Harry and go kiss somebody else's ass."

There was a long, shocked, silence.

"Well, I've got to head over to the Head Girl's compartment," she said cheerfully. "You know how McGonagall gets. See you soon, Harry!" With that, she bounced off.

"Wow, she really seems not to like me for some reason," Draco stated the obvious miserably. "Too bad she's the only attractive girl in this dump…"

Luna was looking out the window again, and Hermione passed off the comment with a small snort.

"She was kind of creepy for some reason…" Neville said timidly, shuddering. "She was just so…so…I can't describe it."

Ron tried to help. "Gorgeous?"

"No…"

"Well mannered?"

"No… She didn't have much of a personality…"

Ron shrugged. "Ah well. As long as they're hot, they're good. She really seemed to like you Harry," he said, elbowing his friend in the head.

Harry was looking out the window at the approaching castle. "Yeah…"

At that moment, Ginny woke up. "Hey guys! What? Did I miss something? What happened to my hair? It's all tangled! Um, Draco? What? What's going on?"

This was going to be an interesting year.

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By the way, ebullio caput literally means 'bubble head' in latin. I think.

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