Title: To Be Loved.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and mutant enemy and Fox. I'm not making money off them and all that jazz.

Pairings: (MAIN) Spike/Cordy, Spike & Dawn, Tara, Willow, & L.A. Crew friendship. (Hints at) Xander/Anya, Willow/Tara, and a few surprises.

Spoilers: Post-Gift

A/N: This is a Christmas present for Hieiko. Everything that happened on Buffy season five and Angel season two happened, it just goes AU after The Gift.

Chapter One

'Ugh this weeks been hell.' Cordelia thought 'First Buffy dies, which Yeah! That's sad and all, even though we weren't close I never wanted her to croak. But then Angel lay's the broodiness down thick, and he's about to leave. THANK GOD! Then Whistler, apparently the worse dressed demon ever, I mean I thought Lorne clashed. Anyway this Whistler guy says, Angel's road to redemption is back in SunnyDale. I mean I was a Princess like a week ago, HELLO! I sooo don't need to go back to that one star bucks town.' Cordelia shook her head lightly and looked over at Angel, currently driving. His intense stare looking straight ahead, checking every few minutes to see if Gunn's truck is still following him. 'I can't believe I'm having all these thoughts while he's in such pain. Remember Cordelia Chase, you changed you're a better person, no more of this Queen C stuff.' Cordelia thought. The two cars were just exiting L.A. and Cordelia saw the sign "Now leaving L.A." She looks at the sign sadly and thinks, 'Goodbye shoes.'

After learning that Angel's road to redemption once again was SunnyDale, the rest of Angel Investigations decided they would follow their fearless leader, and help make a difference on the Mouth of Hell. Even Lorne decided to tag along, claiming that Summer was always slow for Caritas, and he'll stay with them till Summers up. After that, Lorne's going to have to return and run his business in L.A. Angel said they could all live in the mansion that he use to own, he had the power and water turned back on a couple days ago. But their first stop wasn't the mansion; no it was to Buffy's house.

Same time, Casa de Summers…

The house was quiet, yet filled with activity. In the dinning room Willow and Giles were planning for their new arrivals, and plotting new patrol routes.

Xander and Anya were in the kitchen, they were supposed to be making sandwiches, but instead they were just sitting at the table holding hands. The loss of Joyce, soon followed by Buffy's own death made them realize that just to soak in each other's presence was a gift. They stopped just being just lovers and started taking time to be more.

In the living room Dawn was laying on the couch asleep with her head in Spike's lap. He was calmly stroking her hair with a soft caress, staring ahead with this dead stare that unnerved the others. Occasionally he would look down at Dawn with fatherly affection, making sure her nightmares of towers and portals were being kept away. Soon Tara came walking in with a mug of blood.

"Here, Spike." She murmured quietly, while handing him the mug.

"Thanks, Glenda." Spike said in a tired hollow voice. Tara smiled at Spike affectionately and patted his arm, before going to sit in the chair next to the couch. 'At least he's saying two words at a time now.' Tara thought.

Only Tara, Willow, and Dawn were allowed to talk to or touch Spike. Xander learned that the hard way six days ago. Dawn was screaming in her sleep and nobody could do anything to calm her down, till Spike got out of the chair he was in and held her. Soon he started singing an old song no one recognized, it seemed to calm her down almost instantly. After the event was over and they all went down stairs, Xander was furious that only Spike could calm her down. He told Spike that they didn't need him and he should leave the house immediately, that his being there was only insulting Buffy's life. Spike vamped out, growled, and threw Xander into the wall. His body flinched in pain, but instead of screaming he only growled louder. The truly disturbing thing was that even though his face was vamped out, his eyes stayed blue, as if whatever humanity was left in him was using the demon not the other way around. One touch on his arm by Tara made him stop growling, Tara nodded her head to Willow to do the same. When Willow touched and held Spike's other arm his face melted back to its human state.

Tara later explained that herself, Willow, and Dawn all for different reasons, calmed his demon. Tara said that her lack of hostility towards him was the reason he calmed around her. Although the truth was a bit different, after her family came to "visit" and Spike saved her in his own way, she went to visit his crypt to thank him. When she asked him why, he danced around the reasoning for a bit. Saying things like "I just wanted to hit something." But eventually Tara stared him down and he said that she reminded him of Joyce and his own Mum, and a little bit of his little sister that died a few years before his turning. He shifted on his feet a little and murmured, "How could I not help you?" Before going off to the basement floor of the crypt. Ever since then they had a secret friendship, much like his and Dawns.

She then went on to explain that every time he was in deep emotional pain over Drusilla, Willow seemed to be there to comfort him, albeit uncomfortably even he'll admit, but she didn't have to care. To Spike it meant a lot, caring for him even though he was the enemy, and it's something he won't forget. Everyone accepted those answers, and didn't even question why Dawn calmed him down. Even Xander and Giles could see the tender care and love Spike had for Dawn. They didn't like it, or him but after what he did, they wouldn't deny it or forbid it. Anya was as always indifferent to the situation not really caring unless it directly involved herself or Xander.

Two hours later, four blocks from Casa de Summers…

The car ride was silent; no one spoke a word since they've started the car and took off. Angel's hands were griped on the wheel tight, so tight that even his pale knuckles got whiter. His face entirely solemn, the last two years of Cordelia's efforts to bring a little laughter to his soul collapsed with one death.

Lorne and a fidgeting Fred were in the back of the Angel-mobile. Fred liked being around Angel, Cordelia, and Lorne the most. Angel was the man who saved her, her knight in shining armor, he makes her feel safe, and that's something that hasn't happened in a long time. She liked being around Cordelia because she's never had a girl-pal before, or maybe she did, it's hard to remember what her life used to be like. Fred really liked being around Lorne; he was so different from the rest of the Pyleans, he's sweet and talks to her like she's a Princess. Of course he talks to everyone like their special, but it's still a nice change, especially since every other Pylean treated her like a slave.

Cordelia turned her head around and saw Fred fidgeting, and asked "Are you okay, Fred?"

"Yup, I'm dandy, just a little nervous. I mean I know you said these are good people, and I trust you a lot but what if their not good people and they try to throw me through or portal or what if they just don't like me because I'm too shy or maybe everything's to bright and I can't handle it and I embarrass you OH and what if theirs no tacos!" Fred finished her babble.

Cordelia's eyes where wide as turned and looked at Lorne. "Was their one period in that sentence?"

Lorne then replies, "Yes there was one, but only one." Lorne chuckled and then turned to look at Fred, "You've got quite a motor don't you, Freddikins? Don't you need to breath?"

Fred blushes furiously.

"Don't mind him, Fred, there's nothing wrong with a little babbling. A matter a fact they like babblers, one of their inner circle babbles all the time. None of them will throw you into a portal, and I'm sure they'll like you just find. And every town has at least one taco stand so you'll be fine." Cordelia said matter-of-factly. She then flashed Fred a brilliant smile, which made Fred calm down and give a small one in return.

The car comes to a halt and Angel says in an emotionless voice, "We're here." He then gets out of the car, followed by the others. They all walked up to the door, but stood back a bit just before getting there. All of them nervous for there own reasons.

After a bit of time passed and Angel still didn't try to knock on the door, Cordelia huffed and knocked on it her self. A few seconds later a tired looking Willow opened the door.

"Cordy." She said with a sad and tired smile.

"Hey Wills." Cordelia replied with the same smile and a small hug. After the small hug Cordelia went into the living room, not wanting to deal with Angel's reunion and the introduction to the gang. When she went into the living room she got the shock of her life. Spike was sitting on the couch stroking Dawn's hair; now that's not what shocked her. Willow informed her of all the new things happing and one of them was Spike's friendship with Dawn, she even got a call from Willow before they came down, telling her to tell Angel that Spike and Dawn were close and they would have to deal. No the shocking thing was seeing Spike the way he is. She's never had too many one on one's with Spike before, but she did remember that he looked more alive then any living person. But this Spike was so…dead, his eyes, which use to hold such a glee for violence and rebellious attitude towards the world, were now hollow and dry. Cordelia figured that for the first time in 120 years, Spike looked dead. Cordelia wanted to be mean, she wanted Spike to say something cocky and have her roll her eyes at him, she'd reply with a sarcastic retort and then maybe they would team up and make fun of Xander. But how can you do that? How can you be mean and snipe at someone when pain rolls off in waves, the others don't feel because then in just as much pain, but Cordelia feels it, violent waves of pain hitting the shore, and she's the shore.

So instead of sniping, instead of vocal jabs she tentatively asks, "Hey Spike."

Tara instantly tensed upon hearing Cordelia utter those words; she then looked at Spike to see how he'll react. Will he growl? Will he ignore her? Will he throw her into a wall? To her surprise she saw Spike look up at Cordeila, contemplating how to react, because it seemed even to himself that he wasn't sure how to treat her. Spike gazed into her eyes for moments, letting time shift through his brain and help him decide.

Spike finally answered to Tara's surprise.

"Hello, Pet." It wasn't cocky or filled with bravado at all. It was hollow and it was drained, but it was more then he gave most people.

Cordelia almost shuttered at the lack of anything in his voice and soon sat by Tara.

"Your lucky." Tara whispered while keeping thoughtful eyes on Spike.

Cordelia's brow scrunched in confusion. "Why?"

"The last person who tried to talk to Spike, that wasn't me, Willow, or Dawn, got thrown into a wall."

Cordelia's eyebrows shot up, "Who was that?" She asked curiously.

"Xander." Tara replied simply.

Cordelia's face broke out into a brilliant smile, "I think I'm beginning to like Spike."

Soon Gunn, Wesley, Fred, and Lorne walked into the living room, while Angel went into the kitchen to discuss things with Willow and Giles. Spike stilled as the new guest entered the living room and he looked up to study the new guests in the house. The L.A. team started to squirm a bit under Spike's intense eyes. He studied ever facet of them with his eyes, looking at their posture, feeling what emotions he could feel rolling off of them. Fred had fear coming off of her, while the rest were cool and calm, and a little bit tense. Once Spike was satisfied he started stroking Dawns hair again, his eyes returning to their lifeless state.

"Wow." Lorne said in a pained voice to himself.

Gunn looked over at Lorne a bit concerned, "What's up, man?"

"Blondie bear's aura is screaming in pain. So much it actually hurts me to be near him. I thought Angelcakes was mourning, but wow…or maybe I should say ow." He finished with a pained expression.

Wesley spoke up, "You must be mistaken, Lorne. Soulless vampires can't feel human emotions."

"Well, Honey, this one can and I'm drowning in agony." Lorne shook his solemnly, "I need a sea breeze." Lorne got up abruptly and went into the kitchen; about half a second later Lorne came back out. "Lordy, Lordy I trapped by two walls of despair." Hr said dramatically.

A faint smirk graced Spike's face. 'Interesting.' Thought Tara. 'This is the first time since Buffy's death that he even looked like his old self.'

Spike's jaw instantly twitched and tightened as a muffled argument from the kitchen was heard. Muffled to all except Spike, who's vampire hearing made the words crystal clear. Spike slid out from underneath Dawn's head, and soon stood up. His faced takes on a determined look, and although only Tara and Lorne can see it, his aura quickly went from agony, pain, and despair, too anger.

Spike strolled over to the kitchen the words of his sire becoming louder and louder.

He's just a soulless monster.

He doesn't deserve to be here.

He's disrespecting Buffy's life just by being here!

The familiar words only enraged Spike more, he quietly opened the kitchen door and before anyone could blink, Angel's back was pressed to the table, a stake held tight against his heart and a forearm across his throat. Spike's face was vamped out, but his eyes remained blue.

Angel's eyes widened, "Your eyes." He gasped.

"Shut up, Angelus." Spike said, his voice clipped. "I don't want to here how you're better then me just because you have a soul! I didn't see your soul doing anything when you had those lawyers killed!"

Angel looked stunned, as well as Willow, Giles, and Xander.

"How did you know?"

Spike smiled a cruel little smile; "Drusilla came down, tried to bring me back into the family. She told me a few of your little secrets. It wasn't nice of you to set your own childe on fire. Shame, looks like your losing it, Gramps."

"Yeah, well at least I didn't let Buffy die!" Angel sneered.

Spike looked mortified for a second, but that soon turn to blind hatred. He raised the stake and was about to plunge when all of a sudden, Cordelia yelled.

"No!"

Spike turned to see Cordelia in the doorway of the kitchen, Spike returned his to Angel.

"We've played this game before." Spike said, his voice choked with sobs. He gave a humorless chuckle, "Always the bloody martyr huh, sire?" Spike shakes his head sadly, "If I have to live with it then so do you."

Loud sobs could be heard from the living room. Spike slowly released Angel and raced into the living room with Angel and Cordelia following closely behind. What they found was a crying and thrashing Dawn, trying to be comforted by Tara. Quickly Spike took the girl into his arms and tried to sooth her soft words. When that didn't work he began to sing.

"Early one morning,
Just as the sun was rising,
I heard a maid sing,
In the valley below.

O, don't deceive me,
O, never leave me,
How could you use
A poor maiden so?

Remember the vows,
That you made to your Mary,
Remember the bower,
Where you vowed to be true,

O, don't deceive me,
O, never leave me,
How could you use
A poor maiden so?

Thus sang the poor maiden,
Her sorrows bewailing,
Thus sang the poor maid,
In the valley below.

O, don't deceive me,
O, never leave me,
How could you use
A poor maiden so?"

His rough yet melodic voice floated through the air, calming Dawn and allowing her to fall once again into dreamless sleep.

"It's a song my mother use to sing to me." Spike reveals quietly, although it was loud enough for everyone to hear. "Helps her calm down, keeps the nightmares away. On nights like this I can't even leave her alone before they come back. Other nights…are better, not much, but better." Still stroking her hair, he looked down at her with affection. "She'll be fine for the rest of the night." He looked at Tara, "I'm going to go tuck her in, and then I'm off to bed myself." Tara only nodded. Spike picked up Dawn and took her upstairs.

Gunn leaned over to Wesley and quietly asked, "I thought you said he had no soul?"

Before Wesley can reply, Lorne answers Gunn, "Oh he doesn't have a soul, but he has a heart. A big heart wallowing in pain and failure."

"Failure?" Willow asked sharply. She still finds it hard to believe that she jumps to Spike's protection. A year ago she wouldn't of cared one way or the other. However certain events made her see Spike in a new light. Starting with when he punched Tara to prove she was human, ok she'll admit it wasn't exactly a shining moment, but it meant a lot to them. Next being tortured by Glory and never giving up Dawn's Identity, just because he didn't want Buffy to be hurt. After that when Tara burned his hand and she got upset, he soothed her with soft words, he tried to make sure she didn't feel bad. And the thing that broke it all was when Buffy died and he cried, he just sat there and cried and was about to let the sun take him, until he heard Dawn sobbing as well. Spike quickly wrapped his arms around Dawn and took command of the situation. It was new to them, seeing Spike the way he was that day. He wasn't sarcastic or gleeful for violence, he was clam, cool and collected, and when anyone tried to contradict him that day, he made them all feel like children talking back to their father, even Giles was affected that way. It was that moment they realized Spike truly is a master vampire, he's 120 years old, and he's seen empires fall, wars destroy countries, and he's seen the world change completely, yet he adapts and changes right along with it.

Lorne put up his hands in mock surrender, "Hey now, Cupcake. I'm not saying he failed, I'm just saying that's how he feels." Lorne shakes his head sadly, "Spikeikins here has a big destiny ahead of him."

Cordelia snorted, "What kind of destiny? Is he going torture us all with hot pokers? Or maybe raise blue smurfs who burn you to death." She then sighed, "Look I know he's in pain, you've got the blind not to see it, but last time I checked, he's the bad guy."

"Last time you checked he was. He's not anymore." Tara said quietly.

Cordelia looked at Tara for a second then looked up the dark stairs where Spike disappeared, a thoughtful look on her face.

A few hours later…

The rest of the L.A. gang went to the mansion, while Cordelia decided to stay at Casa de Summers. Cordelia tossed and turned on the couch, 'God, could this couch be more lumpy? Maybe if I had my head in Spike's lap everything would be…hey! No need to think about bleach boy like that, he's a vampire that tortures your friends with hot pokers…and protects little girls from Hell-Gods. He's irritating! He's Sensitive! He..he has too much bleach in his hair I mean HELLO Billy Idol much? He's sexy! WOHA there little voice that's sounds just like me. I must be possessed, that's it I'm possessed! Cheek bones! Shut up! Blue eyes! Shut up! Hey remember what Anya said about Spike's a-'

"Don't even finish that thought, missy!" Cordelia whispered to herself. "Water! Yeah a big glass of water and every thing will be fine." Cordelia whispered to her self as she got up from her makeshift bed. "And a hammer to hit yourself in the head with over and over, then everything will be fine." When Cordelia walked into the kitchen she heard muffled sobs coming from the basement. Curiously, Cordelia walked over to the Basement door and opened it silently. She walked down the steps quietly as possible and saw Spike, sitting in his cot with his head in his hands sobbing. Cordelia slowly walked over to Spike's sobbing form and gently laid a hand on his back. Spike tensed and sharply looked up, just to see Cordelia with a look between caution and concern on her face. When Spike didn't say anything, Cordelia sat down next him, and for a bit wasn't sure what to do. Cordelia finally pulled Spike's head down into her lap and start running her fingers through his hair, similar to what he doing with Dawn earlier that night.

"No one does this for you, do they?" Cordelia asked.

Spike only shook his in the affirmative.

"I will." She continued on. "You know we got to get you better, buster, because brooding? SO not your thing."

A faint and muffled "I don't brood, I sulk." Could be heard. Cordelia rolled her eyes and smiled a little.

"Well whatever it is, it doesn't suit you. We need to get you back to sexy smirks and suggestive leers. Then maybe when you're feeling better, we'll make fun of Xander together."

To this, Spike only smiled.

TBC…

Next chapter: Cordelia starts to slowly fix Spike. And Spike finds a new patrolling partner in Gunn. PLUS flying monkeys!

Their might be flying monkey's.

Maybe.