The Account of Nituna and Her Human, Part Two
Darlene Angelette Fieldflower regarded her lover with her multi-coloured eyes. Yes, her eyes really were multicoloured. The right was green closest to the pupil, a green which faded into dark blue the closer to the white you got. The left eye was a deep, mesmerizing red, and the pink, squiggly lines that wreathed her pupil made it look like a miniature sun. And these eyes, these beautiful orbs of enchantment and hidden power, were fixed on him, and him alone.
"Oh baby," she purred and leaned her head against his broad chest. "You didn't have to do this for little old me..."
Her lover looked at her adoringly. "Darlene, my love, for you I would do anything! This is only a small token of my love for you. The Dark Lord would surely never have won anyway, and it was my pleasure to turn myself over to the Ministry of Magic and tell them everything I knew! Anything to make you happy, my sweet, my beloved, my..."
She waved a hand. "Yes, that is enough. Just be quiet and kiss me!"
He leaned in to obey... and there was a knock on the door.
"Mistress Darlene?" said the maid's voice from outside. "There are people here to see you, miss."
Darlene looked momentarily confused. "I have not sent for anyone."
"They say it is very important, miss. A matter of life and death."
Darlene never paid any attention to her servants. Had she done that, she might have noticed that the maid's otherwise dull and monotone voice sounded... eager. The witch sighed and gently pushed her lover aside.
"Very well," she muttered sulkily. "I shall come. Darling, stay behind me. It might be dangerous, and I don't want you to get hurt."
His eyes flashed with hatred for a brief second, but then the spell was cast over him again, and he nodded humbly. "Whatever you say, my dear."
He followed her down the stairs like a puppy, not even looking up to admire the spectacular artefacts and paintings that were everywhere in the apartment. He had no interest in anything beautiful but her and wished nothing but staring at his love all day long, if only she let him.
Finally they arrived to the Slytherin salon, which was his favourite room in the entire residence, not counting her bedroom. On the green couch sat two female strangers clad in black. They looked at him in surprise as he entered.
"Mr. Malfoy?" asked the taller of the two. "Are you... where's Narcissa?"
Darlene's face twitched with loathing, and she looked at him expectantly.
"Narcissa is a bitch," said Lucius Malfoy calmly, reciting dutifully what she had taught him. "She is a filthy whore of Death Eaters, and I want nothing to do with her anymore. I have started a new life with my darling Darlene, far away from the Dark side." He smiled tenderly at his beloved while his eyes screamed for help.
"I... see," said the shorter stranger. "And what about your son, Draco? Is he here?"
"My son is at the Burrow with his friends Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. Lovely children. Brave, honest and loyal to each other. Just as I want my son to be." Lucius smiled brightly.
"Good boy," purred Darlene.
The strangers stared at them for a moment in disbelief before the oldest cleared her throat.
"Well..." she said slowly. "All right. Well. Yes. This is a problem, no doubt."
"There is no problem here," said Darlene calmly. "Who are you? What are you doing here?"
"We come bearing news on your cat."
Darlene perked up right away. "You do?" she exclaimed and clapped her hands together. "Have you found her?" When the two strangers nodded she laughed in relief. "Oh, how wonderful! Is she okay?"
"For now," muttered the younger. "She won't be very soon."
Darlene glared at her. "What? Why are you saying that? Who are you two, anyway?"
"Oh, I'm glad you asked!" The brunette pointed at herself with one thumb. "I'm Ekwy, and this," she nodded towards her companion "is my sister: Gecka."
"Gecka?" repeated Darlene and snorted. "That's not a name; that's a lizard!"
"That's 'Gecko'," muttered Gecka, and a low growl escaped her. "Why does everybody keep thinking that my parents named me after a bloody lizard?"
Ekwy took this into consideration. "Well, you do remove pests on occasion... And I suppose the whole 'being able to alter your appearance' thing counts as changing colour to fit the environment..."
"I was not asking for you to back her up!"
"Oh." Ekwy paused, and then she turned towards Darlene. "Anyway... we have some business with you as well, miss Fieldflower." She got up a piece of paper and cleared her throat. "Darlene Angelette Fieldflower, you are being charged with all the following crimes against canon: Making a character fall head over heals in love with you and therefore abandon his canonical spouse and force his poor son to spend time with the people he hates more than anything..."
"My Draco adores staying at the Burrow!" interrupted Lucius. "He has fallen in love with young Virginia Weasley..."
"Her name is Ginevra!" hissed Ekwy. "Not Virginia. Get it right, will you?" She ignored his indignant huffs and continued. "Having a ridiculous eye-colour that clashes terribly with your natural pink hair; making Lucius act hideously out of character; owning a talking, Suvian pet and annoying me and my sister a whole lot. You are condemned to death. Nice to have inhumed you."
And she, with a lofty and slightly absent smile, calmly ran the shocked Darlene through with her toasting fork. The Sue blinked in surprise a couple of times before realizing that she had been injured, and then she fell to the floor like a sack of potatoes. She didn't move again.
"Well, that's that, then," said Ekwy and pulled out her weapon with a wet, squishy sound. "Piece of cake."
"We do have the main Sue left," pointed out Gecka. "And then, of course, there is the small matter of him." She nodded towards Lucius Malfoy, who had slowly come to life after the Suvian spell wore off.
"Good afternoon, sir," said Ekwy and bowed her head politely. "I suppose you do have some questions for us?"
"What? Oh. Yes." The Death Eater stood up straight, immediately reverting into his default mode: being a bigoted, sarcastic bastard. "Was I, by any chance, in love with that wretched creature?"
He looked at Darlene's corpse with distaste.
"I'm afraid so, sir," said Gecka as she and her sister calmly put on their sunglasses. "But don't worry, though. We'll make sure it... never happened. Look this way, please."
Flash.
Lucius stood blinking.
"This has been an extremely uncomfortable experience for you, and you'll blame it on Halfbloods and Muggleborns," said Ekwy with a small smile. "As soon as you have walked through the portal back to the Ministry of Magic, you shall send a carriage for your son at the Burrow. Once he is back safe and sound at your manor, you shall Obliviate him to make sure he forgets this entire incident. And then you shall forget it yourself. That all clear?"
Lucius nodded dazedly.
"Peachy! Now pass through here..."
The portal closed behind the Death Eater, and the two Agents sighed in unison.
"Two things out of three," said Gecka. "Let's get back to the junkyard. Our revolting couple must have gotten to dessert by now." She made a face.
Ekwy, who was looking around absentmindedly, nodded. "Oh yes... There is just one more thing that I'd like to do before we leave this place."
"Sure, break whatever you want." Gecka shrugged. "I don't care."
"It's not that." Ekwy smiled. "Miss maid? Are you still around?"
The maid walked out of the shadows. Suddenly she seemed more real. Her hair, which had earlier been an undescript grey was now a soft golden brown, pulled up in a neat bun and arranged underneath a hairnet. The maid's face was as before calm and stoic, but some of the dullness had been shaken off, and they could clearly see that she was somewhat intimidated by the whole situation.
"Hello dear," said Ekwy kindly. "Don't worry, we're not going to hurt you. What's your name?"
"Sybil Dickinson, miss," answered the maid with barely a tremor in her voice.
Both Agents were very impressed. The number of people they knew that could look into an Assassin's eyes without trembling could easily be counted on one hand's fingers.
"Worked here long?" asked Gecka conversationally. She had started to see her sister's plan.
Sybil shook her head. "A week or two, miss."
"And before that?"
The maid opened her mouth to answer, but then she closed it again and frowned. "I... I don't really remember, miss. I don't think I existed then."
"Oh, she's clever," grinned Gecka. "I like her." She turned towards Sybil. "Well Sybil, what would you say if we told you that you can stay in this apartment? To live here, as if it was your own?"
Sybil's brown eyes widened. "Oh, I would not like it much at all! I mean, not that I don't appreciate it an' all, but to tell you the truth..." she lowered her voice, afraid that Darlene might hear her, even though said mistress lay dead on the floor, "me mistress had a truly awful taste, if you don't mind me saying so. I don't think I'd like it even a little bit to sleep in her room."
"Understandable." Ekwy nodded and scratched her chin. "Well then, would you like a new job, with a new family?"
"If it's all possible, miss."
"Oh I think we might... scare up some employment for you, Sybil." Ekwy smiled. "I really think we do."
Knock, knock.
"Yes? May I help you ladies?"
"Yes hello, Mr... Jones. We are with the Health Department. We're here to check for possible gas leaks in the area. Would you mind awfully if we took a look in your apartment? No? That's very kind of you, sir, it will only take a few minutes of your precious time. Gecka, you may check it out."
"Seems clear to me. Not a Sue in sight, and there's even a spare room! You live here alone, sir?"
"Yes..."
"Smashing. What do you do?"
"Write..."
"Well, then wouldn't you just like a nice maid to keep order on things? Perhaps bring you a nice cup of tea after dinner? What do you say?"
"Y... yes?"
"Marvellous! Well, then..."
Flash.
"This is Sybil Dickinson, your new maid. She will keep your home very clean indeed, she can cook, and she is not terrible to look at either. She'll make an excellent maid. You're very pleased with her. She deserves a raise. She has lived here for two months already, doing a fantastic job. Go on in dear, go on!"
"Thank you... Who are you, anyway?"
"Oh, we're not very special at all. Take care now, Sybil. Who knows, we might see you one day."
"Bye bye, Sybil!"
A door slammed. Mr. Jones stood blinking in the hallway for a moment, and then he smiled absentmindedly.
"Well then, Miss Dickinson," he said. "Would you mind fetching me a cup of tea? I don't know why, but suddenly I felt extremely thirsty..."
Miss Dickinson curtseyed neatly. "Right away, Mr. Jones."
Mr. Jones smiled again. "Please dear, call me Ned."
"That was sweet," said Ekwy, who was grinning from ear to ear. "You think we can check on them from time to time?"
"Our bosses won't like that. They're already Not Pleased because we live on OFUC campus instead of over at HQ. It is probably not a good idea to venture into the realms of BadFic more than usual, and especially not only to check up on a bit character and the neuralyzed neighbour."
"The Bit Character and the Neuralyzed Neighbour... Sounds like a children's book to me."
"If so, you were a very strange child."
"You know I was." Ekwy grinned even wider. "Let's go now. We still have a Sue to kill."
"Right."
This is the night, it's a beautiful night
And we call it Bella Notte
Look at the skies, they have stars in their eyes
On this lovely Bella Notte...
The two Italian chefs/singers closed their eyes and felt the music as the lovely smell of spaghetti and meatballs rose into the night.
At the table with the finest red and white tablecloth sat two cats, one a rather normal looking grey tabby with something dazed in his eyes, the other a freaky pink and purple queen who was smiling evilly when nobody was watching.
"So tell me again," she purred, "why she left you?"
Munkustrap sighed dramatically. "Well... I don't know what I did wrong, really. I only looked at Bombalurina for a little while, and suddenly my fair Demeter was screaming at me that I was a lying, cheating tom-whore, and that she had never loved me in the first place. Next I knew, she was gone, leaving me with my misery and pain."
"Oh darling," cooed Nituna and nuzzled him. "Forget about your pain now. I am here with you, and the night is so beautiful. Let's not waste it on a foolish queen like Demeter. Tonight is about us." Her eyes gleamed mesmerizingly.
Munkustrap smiled. "Of course, my beautiful Nituna. Oh, that I lived for such a long time without you!"
"Munksie! I love you!"
"And I love you! Oh, how I love you!"
"I think I might be sick," said Gecka and staggered out of the shadows, pale in the cat-face she was once again wearing. "This is, without a doubt, the most revolting thing I have ever seen. And I have seen some revolting things, believe you me."
Nituna stared at her for a moment, and then her purple eyes flashed. "You're trespassing! You shouldn't be here!"
"Oh, if it isn't the pot calling the kettle black!" grinned Ekwy and joined her sister. "Okay Sue, let's go and leave the nice Jellicle alone, shall we? We all know you don't belong here."
The Sue growled, showing two lines of sharp and perfectly white teeth. "I suggest you leave now, or I shall show you just how powerful I am."
Munkustrap sighed in admiration. "Not only is she a creature of exquisite beauty, but she is also a magical cat! She has powers neither of you could dream of! She'll kill you!"
"Don't need a life." Gecka unsheathed her weapon. "Got a knife. Stay back, would you, please?"
Nituna growled again and attacked. It came as a surprise to Gecka, who stumbled backwards as the Sue fell on top of her, scratching and biting everywhere she could reach.
"Ekwy!"
Ekwy cursed in Swedish and gave Munkustrap a gentle push so that he'd keep out of the way before she sprang to her sister's aid. Her first blow with the toasting fork hit the Sue on the side of the head, and the force of it made her fall to her side, hissing violently and clutching her head. It gave Gecka time to stand up, but the Agents barely had the time to catch their breaths before Nituna attacked again.
She was vicious. She was furious. And she was, as it turned out, quite a skilled fighter. Not skilled in the sense of fighting with the grace of a martial arts expert, but like a street urchin, who's had to fight to get food. Nituna did not fight fair, because she knew that those who do always lose. She pulled hair and bit and spat and cursed, and as she did, she began to lose grip of Munkustrap's mind.
Out of the corner of her eye, Ekwy saw the grey tabby blink dazedly and shake his head, as if ridding himself of a bad dream. She saw his mouth form a question, and then how his eyes filled with hatred. He glared at Nituna and unsheathed his claws. Ekwy smiled.
'This is the Munkustrap who went up against Macavity,' she thought as she ducked a slap from Nituna. 'This might actually be fun...'
She nodded at Gecka and gestured towards Munkustrap to make her sister see. Gecka was hurt. Nituna's well-manicured claws had torn up the Agent's right cheek; three deep cuts that dripped blood down on the ground and Gecka's black fur. Though she was injured, Gecka aimed blow after blow at the Sue, her face grim with determination.
As it turned out, she didn't have to. Munkustrap threw himself at Nituna and nailed her to the ground. His ears lay flat on his head and his eyes flashed.
"Where's Demeter?" he growled. "Answer me!"
Nituna, who had looked pleasantly surprised at first when she noticed her handsome new tom-toy laying on top of her, pouted prettily.
"What do you mean, Munksie?" she asked and batted her eyelashes. "Demeter is just a bitch, and you don't really love he..."
Munkustrap hissed and raised a paw. Both Agents, who stood and watched the scene with smug faces, thought that he'd hit her, but he merely gave her a light slap. It couldn't have hurt much, but Nituna whimpered all the same.
"I do not hit queens," he said and glared at her. "But I will bend my principles just for you in this case. Where is Demeter?"
"Fine!" Nituna harrumphed. "She's with Macavity, where she belongs. That cheating, ugly whore! She doesn't deserve you, really, Munksie, I could..."
Munkustrap slapped her again, harder this time. "You have no right to speak of her that way," he growled. "You have no right to even say her name. I should..."
"Munkustrap?" asked Gecka softly.
He turned towards her. "What!"
"Look at the pretty red light, please."
Flash.
The Agents helped to get the tabby onto his feet as he looked around in confusion.
"You're such a good kitty, Munkustrap," said Ekwy and smiled. "Now. Nothing of this has happened. You came out into this alley because you thought Macavity's henchcats were lurking in the shadows, but they aren't. When you go back to the junkyard you will find that Demeter is missing. She'll be at Macavity's, ready to get rescued whenever you please. Off you go now!"
She watched as the tabby blinked a few times, and then as he shrugged and began to walk back to the junkyard. Before she lost sight of him, he broke into a run. Ekwy turned to her sister.
"You okay?"
Gecka nodded grimly. "'Tis but a scratch."
"Deep cuts. We'll have to go to Jennyanydots to get them stitched up when we get back to OFUC."
"Yeah, I figured that one out myself, thank you very much. Can we just get this mission over and done with?" When her sister nodded, Gecka turned to Nituna. "Nituna of Great Sue-ness, you are being charged with all the following crimes against canon: turning Munkustrap OOC and Demeter into a bitch; breaking up the canon relationship Munkustrap/Demeter so that you can get your paws on Munkustrap; causing a character to act like a lovestruck fool over you; having naturally purple fur with a pink tail..."
"It's lavender!"
"We don't care. It's friggin' purple. Onward, you're being charged with: having an actual cute human friend who you can talk to and who is a Sue in her own right; turning Mistoffelees into a matchmaker for yourself and Munkustrap; ripping off the romantic scene from The Lady and the Tramp; being a huge fricken' Mary-Sue, and annoying us both."
Gecka paused. "Ekwy, don't you think this list really should be longer?"
Ekwy took a peek at the list. "Oh yes. There were a lot of badness going on in this story, but we have enough charges here to kill at least three Sues." She looked at Nituna. "Do you have any last words, by any chance?"
"You won't..."
"Don't you dare say that we won't get away with this! We already did, you twit! Geez, when you only get a precious few last words, then why in Heaviside do you waste them on such a goddamn cliché?"
Ekwy sighed in frustration and gestured at Gecka to finish the Sue off. Gecka smiled, raised her knife... and very neatly cut off Nituna's head. It fell to the ground with a thud.
The world creaked as canon was stabilized.
"Nicely done," said Ekwy and nodded approvingly. "What do you say we skin her? We could use a rug in our room..."
Gecka, who had produced a tissue seemingly out of thin air to wipe the blood off her face, looked thoughtful for a moment. "We'll bring her back to campus first. I'll get my scratches looked at, we remove everything we want from the body, and then the minis gets a special treat. Those darlings are so useful for disposal of the bodies!"
Ekwy hoisted up the body of Nituna on her shoulders and grinned. "I agree. Could you open up the portal? I'm sort of preoccupied at the moment."
The Agents left. No one of them remembered that they had left the body of Darlene Angelette Fieldflower behind.
Sybil Dickinson watched the apartment burn. Her mind was devoid of all emotions of pity or grief for the fate of her former mistress, and she only felt a strange satisfaction. She threw the packet of matches into the fire.
She hadn't even been real. Mistress had not been real, and she had treated Sybil as if she wasn't real either. Not a person. Just a servant there to please. Sybil's hands formed fists automatically as she watched the fire creep closer to Darlene's body. Soon the stench of burning flesh would be unbearable. Then she would have to leave and call the fire station. They would of course be there too late to save poor mistress Darlene, who had so tragically perished in the flames. No one had to know that Darlene had been dead before the fire started. That was going to be Sybil's little secret.
The maid smiled as Darlene's pink hair burst into flames, and then she made a face as the strong smell of burning hair reached her nostrils. That was it, then. She would have to leave now.
Sybil calmly shut the door behind her as she left. She felt... good. As if she had succeeded in something important. As if she had won a great battle. She smiled.
Now she would call the fire station. And then she would make Ned some tea. He really liked her tea.
Answer to Review:
Holmes is my lust object: You asked if it was sane to lust after a character in a musical about cats. Well. There are two answers to that. One is: No. But no one said PPC Agents were sane. And the other one is: Dude, have you seen the show? If you had taken one look at the glorious arse of the Rum Tum Tugger, you wouldn't wonder at all. ;)
Eponine: Well the REAL Gecka isn't interested in fanfiction. But the CHARACTER Gecka is. There's a big difference between the two.
Roman de la Croix: Yes, I write them myself. And I know I'll probably regret this, but: Why do you ask?
Jemima-luvah: Yes, every fic these Agents drop into contains a Mary-Sue. That's how this works. If it hadn't been a Mary-Sue, then they wouldn't have gotten the alarm in the first place. Before the alarms goes off, saying that there is a Sue in the fandom, the fic in question has passed through the Department of Intellligence back at PPC Headquarters. Those people look through it to see if it deserves an assassination, and if it doesn't they put it under surveillance or file it away for future reference.
And NO, an author can NOT become a Sue at OFUC campus. Magical wards have been set up to warn the faculty when there are Sues on the premises, to make sure that people like Maritza Chin Smaragde won't pass through again. A new chapter of OFUC is in the works.